Now that Movienalia has graduated from High School, it’s time to get a job. Brothers Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez have lent us a hand and got us a gig as garbage men. Does this sound like a good time to you? It certainly wasn’t for me!
Kick back, relax, finish “The Roast of Charlie Sheen” and hope they made many “Men at Work” jokes. If not, then they were lucky to have not seen this. I did and here’s my take.
*Author’s Note: By no means am I insulting those in the garbage industry. If you are a garbage man, do not take offense to any jokes or insults I make in the upcoming article. It’s all in good fun (unlike this movie) and was more and less aimed at Sheen and Estevez, not those in the profession.*
-“Epic Productions” I highly doubt this movie is going to be epic.
-Emilio Estevez is the only person I know who can direct a movie about garbage men and the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy.
-I can’t tell if this toxic waste has been dumped into the ocean or Charlie Sheen’s pool.
-“In two days, we move our disposal operation north.” American’s dumping it’s trash into Canada?
-“I think you’re smarter than that, Jack.” You thought wrong.
-A politician who cares about the people and not himself? This movie isn’t going to be realistic, I’ll tell you that.
-Garbage men get laid with bombshells on the beach? Once again, this movie isn’t going to be realistic.
-“Can you leave your board?” “My surfboard?” No, your ironing board. She wants the homeless version of surfing.
-Not only did Emilio direct this, but he wrote it, too. That’s right, one day he thought to himself, “You know what would be a good movie? A comedy about garbage men involved in a government scandal.” I guess he had a drug problem before Charlie did.
-A garbage man with a gun. This won’t end well.
-Carl is a peeping tom. I guess Charlie wanted a role that was close to home.
-Who the hell dances with their blow-up doll?!?
-A “Rear Window” reference in a movie about garbage men. Now I’ve seen everything.
-If you’re trying to avoid being stared at by a peeping tom, why would you open your windows?
-“Mango. I should have known!” Apparently, a woman eating a mango is a problem. The next time I see a woman eating one, I’ll make sure to save her from it’s evil power. Thanks for the heads up, Carl!
-“Your friendly efficient garbage experts.” What’s there to be an expert about? I didn’t know it was hard to detect what’s trash and what’s not. If it looks like Courtney Love, it’s trash. If not, it isn’t.
-Technically, everybody’s on a time clock.
-That one henchman looks like Robert Pattinson mixed with Al Franken. I wonder if he sparkles.
-“I don’t have time for that.” But, you do have time to stand around twiddling your thumbs? Fine, so this politician is kind of realistic.
-“She couldn’t see herself with a garbage man the rest of her life.” She’s more of a bug exterminator type of gal.
-“Her father never liked you.” “Yeah, what does he know?” Taste, that’s for sure.
-“This is the last year we throw trash.” Chuck Lorre said the same thing when he fired Charlie Sheen.
-I wonder if they’ll find the script in the trash.
-Biker cops may be the butt of all jokes, but so are garbage men. Trying to insult one another is like trying to say you’re a better comedian than Andrew Dice Clay.
-“My ass is going to be there to make the bust.” MUST. AVOID. JOKE!
-I will say the garbage men have the edge over the biker cops. At least they don’t ride bicycles with kiddy horns on them.
-All of these garbage cans and no Al Snow to hit them with.
-Why would you keep a stranger’s break-up letter?
-“You have no heart!” Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, Charlie.
-“The air is just right for drinking.” There are guidelines to drinking?
-When did James steal Dude Love’s glasses?
-“Sometimes, you are completely hopeless!” Emilio would tell his brother this in real life in a few years.
-You don’t understand the word hopeless? And the bank is giving you a loan to open a surf shop. *Facepalm*
-“I just never thought it would go this far.” Darrell Larson breaks the fourth wall and explains why he took this role.
-“What is this, some kind of joke?” The movie producers asked Emilio the same thing when he pitched this movie.
-“Let’s do the nasty!” Emilio telling Charlie this is extremely creepy, given they’re brothers.
-“Hey, boys!” Where’s your originality?” Are they talking to Friedberg and Seltzer?
-“You can’t say we haven’t been a lot of laughs.” Yes I can!
-“Me, personally, I like you boys.” Why?
-You don’t know the word hopeless, but do know what a phrenologist is. How high were you when you wrote this script?
-“I hate shitheads who bully their women!” Ironic that Charlie Sheen says this.
-If you’re going to murder someone, close the curtains.
-Hitmen fighting over the radio isn’t funny (unless it tells them everything they know).
-Please tell me this isn’t going to turn into “Weekend at Bernie’s”.
-“What do you know about anything?” I’m sure Charlie Sheen has been asked that a lot in his life.
-“My name is James.” That’s what mother called me.
-When Charlie Sheen is the voice of reason, you know you have problems.
-I know people refer to politicians as trash, but finding them there is stretching it.
-What kind of an idiot thinks a pellet gun shot in the ass would kill someone?!?
-Nowadays, killing someone doesn’t get you death row. A lifetime of watching “The View” reruns, maybe…
-“I’m not going to rot in prison alone.” I’m sure a man named Bubba will keep you company.
-I swear this was originally called “Weekend at Bernie’s III: Garbage Day”.
-“Another fine day in the dumps.” This takes place in New Jersey?
-These cops are about as intimidating as Steve Guttenberg.
-The trash cans are taking a beating in this movie.
-Why would you wear a sweater at a beach?
-How many stiff jokes are we going to get? I don’t think they’re going to get a rise out of me.
-How did nobody notice those two standing there?
-That’s twice now we’ve seen the “crap exploding on idiots” joke. It has yet to be funny. Here’s hoping I don’t see it another twenty times.
-Now, this has become “Stakeout”. I guess Emilio wanted to remind himself what it was like to be in a good movie.
-“She hardly looks like a cold-blooded killer.” More like a hot-blooded killer.
-“If anything funny happens, don’t be too shy to scream.” That’s what she said!
-“What am I doing?” Ruining your career by starring in this tripe.
-I’d scream too if Charlie Sheen was at my door.
-Why is that ice pack shaped like a bra?
-“I could really use a drink.” Charlie Sheen lives by these words.
-I’ve seen sewer rats with more sexual tension than these two.
-“Carl spends the night with a beautiful woman and I’m stuck with a lunatic and a corpse.” Sounds like a “Psycho” sequel.
-Who hasn’t thrown Dean Cameron through a wall at least once in their life?
-“Have you completely lost your mind?” Another question the producers asked when this movie was pitched.
-“Do you always look in people’s trash?” I once looked in Tom Arnold’s trash. I found his career there.
-“Let’s whack this broad and get the tape.” This is how the director of a porno calls, “Action!”
-I’ve seen better car chases between the Amish.
-The biker cop also drives a police car?
-“I know what you’re thinking.” So do I. He’s thinking, “I wish I was in a better movie.” That or, “I’m a tumor! I’m a tumor! I’m a tumor!”
-“I thrive on misery!” Are you related to Nancy Grace?
-“You will swing for this!” What kind of a threat is that?!?
-“Feels like we’re driving in circles.” Stop driving in circles and it won’t feel like that.
-Where the hell did you buy a tazer on sale?!?
-Random explosion for no reason. Did Michael Bay walk onto the set?
-Keep slapping Charlie Sheen! It’s the most entertaining thing so far.
-I’m sure nothing bad will come of stealing a police car.
-“I’m back!” When did you leave?
-Who the hell reads “California” magazine?
-“This is too much!” You can say that again.
-There’s a big difference between covering someone in feces and cutting their brakes. One is a disgusting prank, the other is murder.
-“How do you live with yourself?” I just pretend I’m successful and feign happiness. Oh, you weren’t asking me. My bad!
-“I’m not some kind of comic book superhero. I’m a pizza man!” Coming soon to comic book stores: Pizza Man!
-“We can’t lose them!” I hope you’re not referring to the audience, as you lost them awhile ago.
-A movie about rent-a-cops would have been better than this.
-“She let me feel the bumps on her head.” How romantic.
-That rent-a-cop looks like David Otunga.
-“I didn’t think of anything yet.” The truth about the script process has been revealed.
-If hitting people with a bat is saving the environment, then Sting is a world hero!
-BIG BACK BODY DROP!
-Charlie Sheen is used to looking for women in toxic waste by now.
-Weren’t you just trying to sabotage them, pizza man? Why are you helping them?
-I’ve seen episodes of “Captain Planet” that handled this topic better.
-Why did you save the dead guy from the car?
-Who the hell threw that doll?!?
-When did this become a “Looney Tunes” cartoon?
-He killed a few people. You made him wet. Way to go!
-Did we need to end the film with the biker cops being pissed on by a dog?
That’s “Men at Work”, a blemish on the careers of all those involved. The next time you watch a film written and directed by Emilio Estevez, remember that he made this film. The next time you watch a film with Charlie Sheen in it, think of porn stars. That way, you know what was running through his head whilst filming.
See you next time, folks!