The Mutant Bear from PROPHECY
Try to imagine it singing "Bear Necessities" right before it rips your skin off.
My older brother took me to see this film in 1979, when I was a mere three years of age. I think right there you have your answer for “where did it all start to go wrong.” At that tender age, the twisted inside-out rampaging bear in the film scared the living piss out of me. These days, not so much – The Prophecy doesn’t really hold up in that regard as an adult, but there’s still a few nuggets to be found in the film (all I’ll say is “sleeping bag scene”).
The Alien from IT! THE TERROR FROM BEYOND SPACE
"Damn. If I'd waited 20 years, I could have seen Weaver in her panties."
A space crew find they have a stowaway loose on their craft; a very pissed-off stowaway that’s killing the crew off one-by-one. In the end, they finally kill it by opening the hatch door and letting the airless void of space do its thing. Sound familiar? Just another Alien rip-off? Well, maybe if it weren’t made twenty years before Alien. Yep, that snout-nosed creeper up there is one of many, and often pointed to as one o f the most integral, inspirations for Ridley Scott’s sci-fi classic.
The Wendigo from FROSTBITER
Well, if all he eats is frost, no wonder he's so damn skinny.
A mythological figure in some Native American cultures, the Wendigo has appeared in various forms in a few films, starting with Pet Semetary. In this Troma-released “epic,” which is basically just a rehashing in many ways of The Evil Dead, he’s brought to life through stop-motion animation, and while it’s not Harryhausen-level, still a pretty cool visual.
The One-Eyed Octopus from MONSTER FROM THE OCEAN FLOOR
This monster contains at least 14 different sexual metaphors in its design. Be thankful it's blurry.
Decades before he was producing Sharktopus and years before he was directing the classic Poe/Price series, Roger Corman got his directorial start on this little film about a mutant octopus that terrorizes the seaboard. If the image looks fuzzy, that’s because even back then Corman knew he had a craptacular monster on his hands and opted to shoot its scenes blurry on purpose.
The Warbeast from DEATH MACHINE
"No, I don't know what an 'H.R. Giger' is. Please stop asking me that."
Futuristic society, evil corporations, etc. The usual. What makes this one cool is two-fold: First, there’s a mad scientist played by Brad Dourif, and that alone makes it worth a watch. Secondly, Dourif’s character builds this awesome robot of ungodly destruction and while the film itself isn’t any great shakes, the robot monster is definitely a stand-out part of it.
The Giant Mollusk from MONSTER THAT CHALLENGED THE WORLD
"Don't even THINK about grabbing the salt, ma'am."
While this late-1950s gem is essentially yet another rip-off of the now-classic Them!, it remains heads and shoulders (do mollusks have shoulders?) above such fare as Tarantula and The Deadly Mantis by including a really cool, uhm, mollusk-y thing. Seriously, how would you like to pick up something from your yard and find a regular sized version of these crawling about? Yeah, now make it ten-feet tall and you have pure nightmare fuel. Gonna getcha! Gonna getcha!
The Fetus Monster from THE SUCKLING
"Hi, I'm the Suckling. Do you mind if I suckle on your...wait, why are you running?"
Now there’s a face only a mother could love. Well, maybe if she hadn’t aborted it at a brothel where it was flushed down the toilet and got soaked in radioactive gunk, only to come back as Special Needs Pumpkinhead. A completely amateurish film by pretty much all standards, The Suckling’s one grace is a pretty cool monster. Okay, well, sort of cool.
The Frog Man from FROG-G-G
"I'm here to avenge my cousin Frogger, human scum!"
Possibly one of the silliest Creature From the Black Lagoon rip-offs ever (with a lot of Humanoids From the Deep tossed in), the Frog Man is just…just…well, look at the damn thing! What is that suit made out of? Does he double as a professional bobsledder? Okay, yes, it’s a fucking terrible costume, but there are plenty of boobs and lesbians in the film, so that helps. A little. Besides, any movie in which a lesbian rips open her shirt in front of the monster and yells “Fuck me, Frog Man!” in the bitterest rage has to have something going for it.
The Rat Man Monster from THE DARK
Pictured: Co-stars preferred over David Arquette.
Quick, what was Neve Campbell’s first feature film? If you Wikipedia’ed her so you could answer “The Craft,” you’re wrong. Nope, two years before that, Neve was in a little Canadian horror film called The Dark, about a subterranean rat-creature that has been scavenging from cemetaries and may have Jesus-like powers. No, I’m not high. Anyway, Vermin H. Christ here is chased by sheriff’s deputy Neve and others seeking to either stop it, kill it or catch it. Not that bad a film really, so far as direct-to-video 90s horror films go.
The Jellyfish-Man from STING OF DEATH
"Somebody help! I've been smelling myself in here for hours now!"
Fear me! Fear my balloon head with a human head obviously inside! Fear the Jellyfish-Man’s sting! His sting of…oh, that’s the title. Right. People sure took a shitload of drugs while making films in the 1960s. “Hey Bob, we’re gonna paint you green, put some plant vines on your shoulders and cover your head in a trash bag. You’ll look great as the monster! Bob? Hey Bob, what do you mean you can’t breathe? Bob? BOB!?!?!?!”
That’s all for this time! You can find all of these films listed (so far) on DVD somewhere.