In retrospect, it seems I was a bit hard on the Ol’ Hulkster in last week’s edition of Wrestling With Extra Sleaze. That’s understandable, but you have to see where I’m coming from on this. I grew up during the epoch of Hulkamania so of course I was a lil’ Hulkamaniac, mostly by default. With the presence of a superhero and the image of a cartoon character come to life, Hulk Hogan was the exact thing every gullible little kid wanted to look up to. So imagine my dismay when I started my journey of becoming a so-called “smark” in my teenage years and finding out that my childhood hero was politicking to keep his spot that he should have handed over to someone else. And now that we’re at the point where he’s basically bleeding Impact Wrestling dry because of alimony, it’s more sad than anything else. To go off on a bit of a tangent, my dislike of Hulk Hogan is exactly the reason why I like John Cena. Say what you want about his talent (or lack thereof), but he basically is this generation’s Hulk Hogan, like it or not. Imagine you’re a young member of the WWE Universe and you’re a fan of John Cena. Now imagine 10 years later when you find out he gains his strength by biting the heads off of newborn kittens. Worse yet, imagine 20 years later when he hangs out around orphanages wearing nothing but a trenchcoat and shady sunglasses. Of course you’d be let down. But provided nothing goes wrong, I can’t imagine John Cena doing things like that since he seems like such a genuine classy human being…at least until an over-the-hill Randy Orton goes on YouTube v.7.5 and accuses him of doing such deeds.
Anyways, tangent over. This is about making peace with Hulk Hogan, not burying him further. So this is my 24 inch olive branch to the Hulkster: I’m going to try to give a favorable review to his infamous album “Hulk Rules” along with the so-called Wrestling Boot Band. I realize that plenty of other sites, wrestling related or not, have already looked back at this album, but…well…uhh…I’m funnier than all of them combined, so there! (Note – Validity of funniness not guaranteed.) Plus, I’ve also owned WWE Originals, so this can’t be THAT bad, can it? Guys?
Here it is in my hands.
Before I dive into the review, I must talk about how I got this album into my possession. I actually just bought this a couple days ago for $2.50 at a used record store in town. But it wasn’t originally this album that caught my eye on the rack but instead “Skin The Living” by Jungle Rot. Being a metalhead and all (I was wearing a Pig Destroyer shirt at the time), I was all like “Ooooh, Jungle Rot!” But then I looked one CD up and found “Hulk Rules”. The absurdity of it all completely made up for what was then a kinda-crappy week. Despite my love of extreme metal, my combined love of wrestling and all things shitty won out It wasn’t a complete wash though as I did get a copy of Coalesce’s “0:12 Revolution In Just Listening” as well. Oh, also I’m currently listening to a stream of Exhumed’s new album “All Guts, No Glory” as I’m writing this. OK, I’ll stop my random namedropping of metal bands now, I figured some metalheads would get a kick out of that story. Anyways, here we go with “Hulk Rules” by Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band.
Track 1 – Hulkster’s In The House (2:29)
Since this album came out in 1995, there’s going to be a ton of out-of-date slang used throughout this album, much like saying something is “in the house”. Supposedly, all the cool kids today say “in the heezy” or something like that. I don’t know, I’m neither cool nor a kid. But when I heard that Hulkster was in the house in the first verse and the suddenly he was in the room on verse two, I had a brilliant idea. Maybe Hulk wasn’t just trying to sound cool, maybe he’s the killer from a slasher movie. You know, whenever they call the girl that’s babysitting and then when she *69’s them, they reveal “OMG The call is coming from inside the house!” So I imagined that Hulk was in the house, then in the room, then killed someone, preferably with a Big Boot followed by an Atomic Leg Drop. That made this song 100x better.
Track 2 – American Made (3:37)
You know this song as Hulk’s WCW theme, a song I like to refer to as “Not Real American”. There’s not really much I can say about this track that hasn’t been said already. But I do want to hear a mash-up between “American Made” and the American Males theme song. Get on it, YouTube masher-uppers! I will comment about the particular lyric “He’s got to be inspected, He’s US Grade” confirming my theory that Hulk Hogan is in fact an animal with leathery hide.
Track 3 – Hulkster’s Back (2:19)
Interesting story about this song: Since I got this from a used record store, it’s not exactly in the best shape. In fact, starting at the end of American Made and throughout this song, the CD started skipping like crazy in my car (and won’t even play in my computer right now). Oddly enough, this made the song skip certain beats, but actually made it MORE listenable. Sure, you couldn’t understand a word that was said but if you dropped some thumping bass, you could’ve had a decent techno track. And then, like magic, the skipping stopped after this song. It’s almost like it was meant to be.
Track 4 – Wrestling Boot Traveling Band (2:56)
A boring song about traveling the road with the band sung by Jimmy Hart. I understand they’re trying to go for a Jimmy Buffett feel on this track but with the synthesized calypso track, it sounds more like a song or two from the Scarface soundtrack, a movie made 10 years prior to this.
Track 5 – Bad To The Bone (2:40)
Once again, another song that Hulk doesn’t sing. Actually, I don’t even think this song has anything to do about Hulk Hogan. It’s about riding Harleys and listening to music. And yes, I know that Hulk Hogan is a motorcycle enthusiast but still, he couldn’t be bothered to sing this song himself?
Track 6 – I Want To Be A Hulkamaniac (2:56)
I debated about changing this article to “Wrestling With Extra Cheese” for one time only because this may be the cheesiest song I’ve ever heard in my life. It’s so cheesy, people like The Wiggles will listen to it and say “Yo, these muthafucka’s be corny and shit.” It’s important to note that, with the exception of the chorus, this song is basically a note-for-note ripoff of Owen Hart’s theme music. At first, it seems like your random happy song about doing good things and staying positive, but quickly loses steam to the point where Hulk is doling out random advice like swimming with a buddy and saying no to drugs. Here’s a Safety Tip for you kids: If a drug dealer offers you drugs and you turn him down by saying you want to be a Hulkamaniac and have fun with your family and friends, you will be shot and/or stabbed. All I’m saying is that you could watch an After School Special and listen to Owen Hart’s theme music at the same time and you’ll get the same effect.
Track 7 – Beach Patrol (2:12)
If you’ve ever wanted to listen to Hulk Hogan pretend to be cool by using “hip” early-to-mid ’90s lingo (as opposed to the late ’90s lingo he uses now), then listen to Beach Patrol. Or just hang out with your dad. Either works. Seriously, Hulk says “Whoop There It Is”. But looking up the lyrics, Hulk also says “Simon took the baby” a few times. I have no earthly clue what that means. I do want to point out the final verse though:
“When you’re hanging at the beach you can see so much,
Look all you want, but you better not touch.
Take it from me, don’t lose control,
‘Cause you’re gunna have to deal with the beach patrol.”
You know, if it weren’t for the last line, you could easily misconstrue this song about Hulk Hogan’s exploits to the beach where he forces himself upon young nubile women. That’s right, Hulk Hogan fucks random people on the beach. Run with that one, dirtsheets.
Track 8 – Hulk’s The One (2:58)
In this song, a woman professes her love for the Hulkster and proclaims about how he’s the only one for her. The woman in question is his now ex-wife Linda, I presume, since she has her own singing credit on the album and is pictured on the back cover with Hulk, Jimmy Hart and Not Jimmy Hart.
See?
LOL IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THEY’RE DIVORCED NOW! Ok, that’s really all I have to say about that.
Track 9 – Hulkster In Heaven (4:40)
Ah, the infamous track where Hulk sings about a fan of his who died. Apparently, it’s based on an actual fan of his, so I don’t want to make fun of it…so here’s a crudely animated YouTube video to do it for me!
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA GET INTO HEAVEN, HO KOGAN?!? Isn’t one of your so-called Demandments “Covet thy neighbor’s spot”? *Ahem* Sorry, my inner Warrior just unleashed itself there. Anyway, when I think about this song, I can’t help but think about that panel from the WCW comic book where a sick kid wants Sting to make him un-sick again.
Sting doesn't bullshit anyone.
Track 10 – Hulk Rules (2:34)
Eh, this is a song. That’s about all I can say. I wonder if they wrote this as a possible theme for Hogan when he came to WCW but found it to be too generic and came up with “American Made” instead. Basically, it’s just another song about Hulk Hogan kickin’ butt and doin’ stuff.
There you go, “Hulk Rules” in it’s entirety. So, was it as bad as other people have said? Honestly, not really. Don’t get me wrong, it’s bad, but I got some cheesy enjoyment out of it. Let me put it in perspective for you as my final thought. Hulk Hogan has done some great things. He’s no doubt the biggest name in professional wrestling history and the industry would not go on to be as popular if it wasn’t for him. He was also able to reinvent himself as Hollywood Hogan and help form the nWo, one of the greatest angles and stables (at one point) in history, extending his longevity in the business that he sorely needed at that time. But Hulk has also done some crappy things. He’s trying to hold on to his former legacy that has long since passed and, in the process, only dragging a promising Impact Wrestling down with him (although he isn’t the only one doing it). He’s extremely two-faced, trying to spread positivity through Hulkamania when he’s mostly connived and screwed people over to stay on top. And worst of all, he gave us Nick Hogan, whose only positive contribution to society was being parodied by the late and great “Sweet and Sour” Larry Sweeney. “Hulk Rules” is in between. It’s not great but it’s not an atrocity either. It’s kinda like his daughter Brooke. Sure she’s untalented, but at least she’s hot. At least I think so. But then again, I’m weird like that. And apparently, I’m weird enough to probably listen to “Hulk Rules” more than once.
Are you happy now, Brother?