As a kid growing up in the 1980’s I was a fan of pro wrestling’s number one hero, Hulk Hogan. I enjoyed his work in “Rocky 3”, “No Holds Barred”, and even “Gremlins 2”. Not so much the film where he wears a tutu for George Jefferson. Anyway, I always thought that Hulk would have been great in a variety of other roles that were given to *cough* real actors. Well now I’m going to rectify that for all of you. You can thank me later with money. Check out these four roles Hulk would have been great at.
Bull Durham
“Well Hulkamaniacs, I believe in the prayers, the vitamins, the WWF title brother, the big boot, the leg drop, slamming the 700 pound Andre, that the words of the Warrior are self-indulgent, overrated crap dude! I believe Sgt. Slaughter acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Earl Hebner and his twin brother, brother! I believe in No Holds Barred, both the match and the movie brother, my friend to the end brother Bruti, defending your title on Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days dude! “
The Godfather
Hulkbrother: Vince, Vince, what have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully dude? If you’d come to me in friendship, this scum who ruined your daughter would be suffering this very day brother. And if by some chance an honest man like yourself made enemies they would become my enemies. And then, you would have the power of the Hulkamaniacs!
Vince: Be my friend… Hulkster.
[the Hulk at first shrugs, but upon hearing the words, he lifts his hand, and cups his ear with it]
Hulkbrother: Good.
[He rips his shirt off in a paternal gesture]
Hulkbrother: Some day, and like that day may never come Mean Gene, I will call upon you to do a job for me. But until that day, consider a gift CD of my daughter’s singing.
[a gratified Vince offers his thanks and swaggers out]
Hulkbrother[to Bischoff] Give this job to Knobbs dude. I want reliable people, people who aren’t going to be carried away. I mean, we’re not jabroni’s, in spite of what Vinnie Mac thinks.
Grease
“Attention hulkamaniacs. Before all you dudes and dudettes graduate , I hope that your years with us here at the WWF have prepared you for the challenges you face. Who knows? Among you there may be a future Macho Man or a JYD, and among you , there may be a King Kong Bundy, a President Tunney, or even a Weasel Heenan. But you will always the glorious memories of the WWF. WWF forever brothers! Bon voyage dudes. ”
Reservoir Dogs
Mr. Hulk: Let me tell you what ‘Like a Virgin’ is all about brother! It’s all about a girl who digs this hulkamaniac with a big dick. The entire song. It’s a metaphor for big dicks dude.
Mr. Beefcake: No, no. It’s about a girl who is very vulnerable. She’s been fucked over a few times. Then she meets some guy who’s a cuttin and a struttin…
Mr. Hulk: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa… Time out Brother Bruti. Tell that fucking caa caa to the Warriors.
Heenan: Toby… Who the fuck is Toby? Toby…
Mr. Hulk: ‘Like a Virgin’ is not about this sensitive girl who meets a nice fella. That’s what “True Blue” is about, now, granted, no shooting about that brothers.
Mr. Snake: Which one is ‘True Blue’?
Warrior: ‘True Blue’ was the heart and soul of all the little Madonnas. I don’t even follow the path that this woman has taken, and I’ve at least heard of “True Blue”.
Mr. Snake: Look, asshole, I didn’t say I ain’t heard of it. All I asked was how does it go? Excuse me for not being the world’s biggest Madonna fan.
Mr. Beefcake: Personally, she can use a haircut.
Mr. Animal: I like her early stuff. You know, ‘Lucky Star’, ‘Borderline’ – but once she got into her ‘Papa Don’t Preach’ phase, I don’t know, I tuned out. Ate a turnbuckle.
Mr. Hulk: Hey, you dudes are making me lose my… train of thought here brothers. I was saying something, what was it?
Heenan: Oh, Toby was this Chinese girl, what was her last name?
Monsoon: What’s that?
Heenan: I found this old address book in a jacket I ain’t worn in a coon’s age. What was that name?
Mr. Hulk: What the fuck was I talking about dudes?
Mr. Beefcake: You said ‘True Blue’ was about a nice girl, a sensitive girl who meets a nice guy, and that ‘Like a Virgin’ was a metaphor for big dicks.
Mr. Hulk: Lemme tell you what ‘Like a Virgin’ is about dudes. It’s all about this harlot who’s a regular scary sherri, I’m talking morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick.
Mr. Snake: How many dicks is that?
Warrior: It is a greart many sums of dicks that she has consumed in her short lifespan *snarl*
Mr. Hulk: Then one day she meets this 2Cold Scorpio motherfucker and it’s like, whoa brother, I mean this cat is like Tiny Lister in No Holds Barred, he’s destroying bathrooms. Now, she’s gettin’ the serious dick action and she’s feeling something she ain’t felt since forever. Pain brother, pain.
Heenan: Chew? Toby Chew?
Monsoon: Will you stop!?
Mr. Hulk: It hurts her, dudes. It shouldn’t hurt her, you know, her pay window should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this hulkamaniac fucks her it hurts. It hurts just like it did the first time brothers. You see the pain is reminding a scary sherri what it once was like to be a virgin brothers. Hence, ‘Like a Virgin’.