(editor’s note: The following edition of Wrestling with Extra Sleaze may come across a bit strong for some tastes. Please realize the context of the review; a wrestling promotion that promotes how sleazy the workers are. The following is not a general or stereotypical statement towards women, just towards the characters as they are purposely presented. Thank you, and tip your waiter.)
I know I alluded to picking out some random episode for my next article, but I figured I’d be fair and continue to go in order…for now. I mean, there’s gonna be a Battle Royale to crown the first WWE Champion! That’s gotta be important…I mean, right? So, yeah, no flowery introductions this time. Let’s just dust off the Boner System and get right to Episode 3: Revenge of the STDs. (And by that logic, that would’ve made Episode 2 “Attack of the Whores” and Episode 1, I don’t know, “The Vaginal Menace”?)
As “Head Nurse Mimi” makes her way out to the ring (aka Random Skank In A Nurse-Themed See-Through Negligee), we actually get an intro by Eric Garguilo and color commentator Jeffery James. So maybe we’ll actually get a continuous coherent episode this time? I like the fact that they actually try to get Mimi over as a real nurse. But then again, I know so many people that went to nursing school that I swear over half of the female population actually are nurses. Man, am I glad women don’t read my material.
But before we go into any in-ring action, we get a bunch of backstage skits. First of all, The Smoke (aka Not Rock) tries to get into the ECW Arena but security won’t let him through without credentials. It’s interesting to note that his main catchphrase is “If you don’t know, now you know!” Kinda sad that Christian cribbed his TNA catchphrase from WEW. Meanwhile, Tai Killer Weed is yelling at Psycho Bitch trying to find her stash, but Psycho Bitch screams back since that’s her only form of communication. Treating Psycho Bitch like Lassie, Tai puts together that her two screams means she’s trying to warn her. I’m gonna admit, that was actually funny, if a bit stupid.
“What’s that, Psycho Bitch? Timmy’s trapped down a well?”
Also, in some black and white footage, a group of four women get off a plane and into a limo. You can tell one of them (who I actually recognize as adult star Angelica Sin) is wearing a pWo shirt. So this is the infamous pWo? A random bunch of porn stars? Back in the ring, The Smoke has somehow made his way into the arena. And to get a glimpse into the target demographic, there’s an obviously drunk man in his 40’s crotch-chopping during The Smoke’s entrance and a particular homosexual slur chant erupts during his promo. The Smoke trashes The Mae Family which brings the entire inbred clan out. A match between The Maes and Crazy Inc. (aka Tai Killer Weed and Psycho Bitch) is booked, which causes Tai to come out and accuse Papa Mae of stealing her stash. Suddenly Amanda Storm and Lady Storm (no relation) come out to the ring to attack The Maes by putting Lil’ Davey Mae through a table and laying out Tai. The Smoke reveals his allegiance with the Stormseseses until they’re chased off by a chair-wielding Psycho Bitch. In the end, all is well as Tai is revived by Head Nurse Mimi via a lesbian makeout session. Because that’s how medicine really works.
Meanwhile, the pWo limousine pulls into the parking lot of the ECW Arena and harrass a poor broom-pusher. Back inside, Amanda Storm cuts a promo on G.I. Ho where she threatens to rip off her arms and beat her to death with them. You know, I’d actually like to see that happen. Then Amanda threatens to rip off Ho’s legs and give her a DP. She said it a little more graphically than that but still, I don’t know if I wanna see that. To cap things off, she calls herself a “fuckin’ Nazi queen” and starts goosestepping. No joke. The pWo walk up and argue that G.I. Ho’s pussy probably tastes better than Amanda’s, because…that’s a deciding factor when it comes to battling inside the squared circle? I don’t know.
Match 1
Hardcore Undergarments Match
Tara vs Candie
13 minutes in and we finally get our first match. Still, it’s better than the average episode of Impact. Before the match, Tara gets on the mic and says she’s not going to be stripped down to her bra and panties, which probably means she’s going to be stripped down to her bra and panties. And when Candie makes her way to the ring, Tara blinds her with…Silly String? Really? And I thought powder was a weak weapon. This makes a bag of popcorn look dangerous.
Yes, this actually happened. In a match.
The crowd starts a “We Want Puppies” match, which reminds me of Jerry “The King Lawler’s worst contribution to professional wrestling. Not the best match in the world, actually it kinda sucks compared to some of their other matches I’ve seen. But hey, they’re hitting each other with foreign objects and trying to take off their clothes. At least they look good doing it. They both get their shirts off and Candie manages to get Tara’s skirt off but thanks to an errant shot with the cookie sheet, the ref is knocked out and she’s able to put it back on without the match ending. But it doesn’t matter as Candie hits her with a Rock Bottom and takes her skirt back off to win the match. Post-match, Candie teases taking off her pants for the fans, rendering the stipulations obsolete, but Tara hits her with a chair instead. I’m willing to give this at least 2 Boners. Honestly, the match sucked but at least they tried to put something together. And we got a decent amount of T&A to boot.
Boner Count: 2 out of 4
Match 2
Trinity w/Steve The Sound Guy vs Valentina
Keep in mind, this is NOT the Trinity we all know from TNA and WWECW but some random chick that kinda looks like Psycho Bitch minus at least 50 pounds. She goes to cut a promo but Steve The Sound Guy (who I think played Bald E. Dangerously in the last episode) cuts her off and calls himself the greatest manager ever, better than Capt. Lou, Jimmy Hart and Bobby Heenan. Yeah. Finally, after at least 5 minutes of rambling and calling out audience members from Steve, Valentina comes out. However, none of her history with her “sister” Alexis Laree is mentioned, leading me to believe that we might still be somewhat out of order on these episodes. I will admit, while this match is nowhere near SHIMMER-standards, it’s actually pretty good. I’d even go so far to say it’s probably one of the best matches in WEW at this point. Well, at least it was until Valentina botches a tilt-a-whirl headscissors. It looked like Trinity had it won with a clothesline off the top rope but Steve breaks up the pin and hits his own client over the head with his guitar. For some reason, Steve isn’t disqualified and Valentina wins with an enzuiguri. Post-match, it looks like Trinity and Steve are gonna come to blows but then, they hug? Wha? He hits her over the head with a guitar, costs her a match and we’re supposed to believe it’s some part of a master plan? Yeah right. Screwy finish and botches aside, the match was decent for what it was so I’ll be nice and give it 2 Boners. But Steve The Sound Guy is a major chode. He’s like a poor man’s Bubba Ray Dudley.
Boner Count: 2 out of 4
Match 3
Davey Mae vs Barroom Barbie
This match came about as Papa Mae issued an open challenge on Davey’s behalf, causing Barroom Barbie to get shoved out to the ring by The Nice Guys. So I think I’m starting to put this together now: this particular show took place in between the cut-together two episodes that made up Episode #2, which means I don’t think we’re going to get the crowning of the first WEW Champion tonight. Dammit, swerved again! Ah well, at least THIS episode is somewhat coherent. And we get some bonus Davey Mae sleep-flexing to boot.
Ruthless Aggression
After some pretty convincing chain-wrestling by the two, Barroom Barbie hits a top-rope splash onto Papa Mae and the match goes all around the arena. You know what I just realized? Throughout these three episodes, the most consistent performer has been Davey Mae. I know that sounds kinda sad but hear me out. I’m not saying that he deserves a look by the talent agents at WWE, TNA, ROH or even any other indy for that matter. But he has fundamentals, plays up his gimmick well and hasn’t botched anything major that I can tell. Although there was a point in the match where he jumped off a ledge and full-on kicked Barbie in the face, causing him to ask if she was OK more than once. Barbie gets the win with a Stunner and then gets shoved to the back by the Nice Guys. You know, I didn’t hate this. It was a solid intergender match with no major flubs. And Bobcat looked pretty good as well. I’m gonna be nice and give this 3 Boners.
Boner Count: 3 out or 4
And apparently that’s it. I figured we wouldn’t get the WEW Championship match but we didn’t even get Amanda Storm vs G.I. Ho? Now that I think about it, Amanda Storm is pretty crazy so maybe that wasn’t a promo to hype the match, she was just legitimately spouting off gibberish. Looking at the final tally, that’s 7 Boners total. That may not sound like much, especially since Episode 1 earned the same total. But this had only 3 matches to work with, not 5. So we’re talking a 58% success rate for this show. Does that mean it was any good? Hell no! But at least I didn’t feel my soul crumbling away like I did last time.
Total Boner Count: 7 out of 12