Womens Extreme Wrestling #2
As you no doubt have heard by now, one of professional wrestling’s legends has passed on as the “Macho Man” Randy Savage suffered a heart attack while driving this past Friday morning. Of course, I would like to dedicate this article to the memory of Randy Savage but, come on, Macho Man deserves much more than a mention during an article about dirty strippers fake fighting in a glorified bingo hall. So really, I can’t really say much else that hasn’t been said already. To me, Macho Man Randy Savage will always be “The Man”. But, I must address something before I continue: the whole rumor between Macho Man and Stephanie McMahon that I alluded to in the intro of my last article. I always took it as nothing more than that: a “rumor”. I’ve never taken it seriously, just like I don’t really take professional wrestling as seriously as some of the die-hard fans out there. It is entertainment (though I don’t believe that term should ever completely replace “professional wrestling” like Vince McMahon does) and should be treated as such. Even when it’s bad entertainment, I believe you can still laugh at it and it’ll make you appreciate the good aspects that much more. And when you really think about it, the fact that one of my childhood heroes wore neon cowboy hats, party streamers and peddled beef jerky by-products, yet still shaped me to become the person I am today, I believe that has to be commended.
So my hat, although it isn’t of the neon cowboy sort, is off to the Macho Man Randy Savage. And as a small token of my appreciation, I will change the rating system to be measured in Slim Jims for one night only. DIG IT! And on that note, let’s get started with Episode 2 of Women’s Extreme Wrestling.
The show starts off with Barroom Barbie being led to the ring by “The Nice Guys”, a trio of Mafioso-types. The commentators, this time being Eric Gargiulo and someone who’s not Joel Gertner, allude that she may possibly owe a debt or something, but considering the last time we saw her was in an “Old School Bra and Thong Match”, it leads me to believe that we may have missed a show or two in-between. That or their booking is REALLY that bad. Yay continuity! Oh yeah, and the following match is going to be a “Sicilian-Style Tag Match”, which the commentators don’t even know the rules of, much like last time’s “Old School Bra and Thong Match”. So really, it’s just a “Regular Match With Stupid Gimmick Name” Match.
Match 1
“Regular Match With Stupid Gimmick Name” Match
Barroom Barbie and Carmine Nice vs Tai Killer Weed and “Dirty Deeds” Darren Wise
OK, considering last episode Tai Killer Weed issued a challenge to the Maes to a tag match, we DEFINITELY skipped an episode or two. And just to get it out of the way, I don’t know who Carmine Nice or “Dirty Deeds” Darren Wise are, nor do I care. And I must say, this match isn’t even a match as it’s cut down to pieces. Sad to say, the “highlight” of this match is when Dirty Deeds goes for a Coast-To-Coast (presumably) off of two tables and fails miserably.
Yeah, that's TOTALLY gonna work.
And I guess that’s the end of the match as they just cut to something else. Whatever. That botch, whether it was intentional or not, still deserves at least 1 Slim Jim.
Slim Jim Count: 1 out of 4
The “something else” they cut to is a Paul Heyman lookalike, Psycho Bitch and a random schoolgirl in the ring amongst pre-destroyed table debris with everyone else in the previous match gone. I’m sure you can complain whenever the TNA camera crew misses filming a spot, but at least they don’t plain edit them out! The Paul E. lookalike claims to be his son and then does an unfunny skit on a cellphone pretending to pass a bad check that the crowd doesn’t even notice because they’re too busy looking at the hot schoolgirl shaking her ass at them. He announces himself as “Bald E. Dangerously” and he has the services of Psycho Bitch and Missy The Schoolgirl. Yay? And then we abruptly cut to…
Match 2
Tai Killer Weed and Psycho Bitch vs Papa Mae and Dawn Mae
So, we get this match…NOW? Ugh, my head hurts. I don’t even know what’s real anymore. And Joel Gertner is back on commentary! So far that’s definitely an improvement, even as he spends the bulk of the match making fun of the grotesque wart on Papa Mae’s back. The highlight of this match? The reveal that this DVD has been transferred from VHS.
Production Values!
After plenty of edits, the finish comes when Tai goes to pin Papa Mae, only for the referee to feign injury before counting the three…even though the bell still rings anyways. And since everyone is confused as hell, Dawn Mae pins Tai and the ref does a fast count to end the match. So, yeah, the finish went just about as smoothly as your typical WEW match. Afterward, the referee claims to be the senior official of WEW but Isis comes out and clarifies that she is…like it really matters. The ref slaps Isis (quite hard, might I add) only to take the weakest looking Spear ever from her and a chairshot from Psycho Bitch. I’m not gonna bother giving this one any Slim Jims. If it were Boners, I wouldn’t be giving them one considering the person with the biggest boobs in this match was Papa Mae. And even though he is beefy and probably juicy, that’s not the sort of thing I go for.
Slim Jim Count: 0 out of 4
Match 3
Alexis Laree vs Valentina…Laree
As I mentioned last time, Alexis Laree is Mickie James but her opponent in this match is none other than Wrestling Society X’s Lizzy Valentine. And apparently they’re sisters even though Valentina is obviously Latina and Alexis obviously isn’t. You’d think this match would be decent and they do certainly try to put something together, but they botch everything left and right. Even when Alexis tries to roll Valentina up, Eric Garguilo comments that the move was a “Retarded Schoolgirl” pin. Classy. You really could have just went with “Modified” because if Excalibur from PWG has taught us anything “Modified” = “Screwed up”. Classier still, the crowd starts a “Take her shirt off!” chant once they notice she’s a tad bit chilly.
It's so cold in the D.
Alexis gets the win with a sunset flip pin when the ref BJ kicks Valentina’s hands off the ropes…only that’s apparently not the planned finish even though BJ counts to three. Valentina gets all up in BJ’s grill but Alexis puts her down for good with a Twist of Fate. You know, they could have just left it at the sunset flip. That way we wouldn’t have been able to tell if they screwed up or not. Of course we get the prerequisite “Good sister helps up the bad sister only for the bad sister to turn on her” finish, only with a heartwarming “Show your tits!” chant in the background. But as she is thrown out of the ring, you can almost make out Alexis yelling at a fan and clearly calling him a jerkoff for not appreciating the wrestling match. Good for her. I’m willing to give them 2 Slim Jims. Yeah, the match wasn’t perfect but they tried and they’re both easy on the eyes, which I haven’t been able to say about many other people on this show until now.
Slim Jim Count: 2 out of 4
Promo time from The Maes. Little Davey Mae (think Spike Dudley only with chromosomes missing due to inbreeding) is hyping up his match with Prime Time Amy Lee, thinking he’s gonna kick her ass. Considering she’s the size of about 3 Davey Maes, I don’t think that’s gonna happen. Oh yeah, and Tara cuts a promo on her boobs, revealing that they’re real. You know, that’s probably the most important thing that’s happened on this show…
Exciting promos!
Missy The Schoolgirl comes out for an in-ring dance as Eric Garguilo and random color commentator Jeffery James or whatever his name is wonder about Brittney The Schoolgirl, asking “Remember what happened last month between Brittney and the pWo?” NO, I DON’T BECAUSE I’VE NEVER SEEN IT! Missy goes to take off her shirt but the referee, who they begin to insinuate is gay but later call him a straight up f-word, prevents it from happening and sends her to the back. Once again, classy.
Match 4
Prime Time Amy Lee vs Davey Mae
Gargiulo: “Hey remember last month, Davey Mae’s match with Barroom Barbie?” DAMMIT ERIC, NO I DON’T! Stop referencing stuff that I haven’t seen yet. Anyway, this match is your typical David vs Goliath match, only with a small man as David and a big-boned biker chick as Goliath. I’m not a fan of either of these wrestlers but the match did what it was supposed to do, even if it did run on a bit long. The match ends when Davey Mae takes a stinkface from Papa Mae that was intended for Amy Lee and then a powerbomb. As disgusting as it was, I kinda bought that particular Stinkface as lethal considering he practically sat on Davey’s head. And no, I’m not gonna screencap it. You can thank me later. I’m feeling generous so I’ll throw a Slim Jim their way.
Slim Jim Count: 1 out of 4
Match 5
Cinnamon vs Tara
As per the rules of this particular match, the loser must take their top off after the match. Looking at either of them, I’m definitely not complaining. Slight boner-kill though as the Mae family are out at ringside once again for some odd reason. What, is Papa Mae the spokesperson for WEW all of a sudden? He’s been out here for almost every single match. Papa Mae gets involved then…gets pinned? What? This is some WCW-level booking here, pinning someone not involved in the match. And as per the stipulations, Papa Mae has to take off his top, despite the fact that he’s only wearing overalls as it is. And once again, no, I’m not gonna screencap it. You can thank me later. I was actually considering taking away Slim Jims because of this but Tara saves the show by taking off Cinnamon’s top…but she likes it anyway so it’s not like this stipulation mattered any. Eh, I don’t care if we got to see a hot chick in a bra, I’m not gonna bother giving this any Slim Jims.
Slim Jim Count: 0 out of 4
Match 6
Hardcore Tables Match
Lady Storm w/The Smoke vs G.I. Ho
Think about this: We’re on match number six in the span of an hour. I don’t care if these matches suck or they’re chopped up to hell, that’s still about twice the matches we get in half the time compared to WWE and TNA. Not like you guys care but Lady Storm isn’t Amanda Storm from Episode 1 but instead an African-American Chyna knock-off, which makes being accompanied by The Not-Rock all the more fitting. In the continued stellar quality of production values, half of the time the commentary is muted by either the intro music or the crowd noise. I’m not complaining one bit. But what I will complain about is the shoddy editing as Lady Storm starts out under control and when the match is cut, G.I. Ho is suddenly in control for no reason. Oh, and it’s also worth noting that G.I. Ho is wrestling in a cut-off shirt with no bra. That’s gonna work out well for her, I’m sure. This match is just a straight-up brawl that soon goes out into the crowd, causing the stone Cold Steve Austin knock-off to interfere. I think it’s funny that instead of wearing a leather vest, Not-Austin is obviously wearing a suit vest. That allows G.I. Ho to timidly “jump” off the balcony and put Lady Storm and The Smoke through two tables for the win.
Some hang time, ain't it?
Eh, I’m being kinda mean. I’d probably wuss out and do the same thing, if not cry and curl up into the fetal position. And after that, the show just kinda ends as G.I. Ho goes back up to the balcony and drinks some beer. Eh, I’ll give them a Slim Jim for their effort. They did beat the crap out of each other a little bit.
Slim Jim Count: 1 out of 4
Total Slim Jim Count: 5 out of 24
If you’re keeping score, that’s one less point even though there was an opportunity to score more, meaning this show is actually getting worse somehow. Remember in the intro where I said you can still laugh at bad entertainment? Well screw that. By the time the main event rolled around, I literally had a headache so I laid down and played some Fire Pro Wrestling to remind myself what GOOD wrestling is. It didn’t help. I feel like I’ve been Donkey Punched. WEW fails as a wrestling show AND a shameless display of tits and ass. It’s obvious that this particular episode was just two different episodes cut together, with the fact that the color commentator kept switching between Joel Gertner and that other guy. Plus I forgot to mention that they kept hyping a “Queen of the Ring” battle royale to crown the first WEW Champion…but it never happened. At least not on this episode. So if they obviously don’t care what order they should air their episodes, why should I? I’m almost tempted to just grab the next episode out of random. It’ll probably make just as much sense.
Ugh, I’m gonna go watch some Macho Man matches and pretend I never saw this.