Any wrestling fan who has spent a substantial amount of time on the Internet has surely heard their fair share of rumors about the seedy underbelly of this business. Stuff like the “Macho Man” Randy Savage having his way with a 14-year-old Stephanie McMahon, the various sexual dalliances of Lita or Sabu owning a piece of drug paraphernalia made out of a human skull. Of course, such stories are nothing but allegations and urban legends and thus will probably never be proven correct. However, how about the things in wrestling that are so blatantly sleazy that they can’t be ignored? I’m talking about people like Missy Hyatt or New Jack or anything put together by the likes of Rob Black or Ian Rotten? Have you ever attended a wrestling event and felt like you’d get an airborne STD on contact? Have you ever watched an “underground” wrestling DVD and couldn’t stop itching, whether it be from hives or crabs? That’s what I’m going to be focusing on. Ladies and germs…er, gentlemen, I present to you: Wrestling With Extra Sleaze.
So here I am, it’s Mother’s Day and I’m talking about Women’s Extreme Wrestling. For those of you that don’t know, WEW is a promotion where female wrestlers and scuzzy pornstars and local strippers from Philly do battle, usually in the ring, but sometimes in a kiddy pool full of baby oil or whipped cream. Sorry, Mom. I’ve decided to watch these shows and rate the matches. How? Well, it would be only fitting if I rated WEW matches with Boners. Of course, I’m not going to use actual erect phalli, that’s just poor taste. Instead I’m going to use images of the late, great Boner Stabone from Growing Pains, because I’m sure that’s what he would have wanted. Taking into account every aspect of the match being rated; mostly the wrestling content, entertainment value and, of course T&A, I’ll rate the match on a scale of 1 to 4 Boners. Why 4? Funny you should ask, by coincidence, that’s how many inches my wiener is. Of course, it’s 4 and change but I decided to be humble and round down. And if there’s no redeeming value to the match at all (and since it’s WEW, it’ll surely happen quite a bit), Paul London and Brian Kendrick will appear with their jaws agape and proclaim “Boner’s Dead”.
We start Volume 1 off with a Japanese school girl walking around the ECW Arena looking for G.I. Ho. I don’t know who this is. No intro, no name, no nothing. She asks a couple skanks where she is and they say she’s with “Rebecca”. Cut immediately to the Japanese school girl having a catfight with “Rebecca” as aforementioned skanks pull them apart, all the while G.I. Ho is just standing in the background, possibly laughing to herself. Now, keep in mind, this is how the entire WEW series on DVD begins. If you’ve never seen any of these women before, you don’t know who they are at all. All you really know is “Rebecca”, because she’s the random chick getting attacked, and maybe G.I. Ho, just because she was the only name mentioned but you probably missed that because she was just some random chick in the background. As you’ll come to find out in future volumes, G.I. Ho is pretty much WEW’s centerpiece, their figurehead, their John Cena-esque character if you will.
Never give up.
After that, we get the standard intro which shows us what’s in store for us. Namely titties and ass. I fast-forward through this because WEW’s cheap-ass rap-rock theme song is grating and horrible. And also because it mentions the alternate name for the promotion: Dangerous Women of Wrestling (or DWoW aka that hot chick from Jersey Shore’s sister) instead of Women’s Extreme Wrestling.
First promo of the night comes from Alexis Laree, who is now better known to most of you as Mickie James. Yes, cue the fat jokes from all the nerds that don’t know any better. I will admit though, if you compare her physique today to her physique here, you may have a point. But she’s still not fat. Anyway, she’s got Amanda Storm in a match tonight and proclaims that “Dynamite comes in small packages” and that Storm is “in for the explosion of a lifetime”. If I said that to a girl, I’d get ridiculed AND smacked across the face.
I kinda want her to bring back this look
Match 1
Amanda Storm w/The Smoke vs Alexis Laree
Referee: “Bootylicous” BJ
Before the match, WEW Commissioner “The Smoke” cuts a promo. Guess who he’s supposed to be impersonating…
Can you smell the gimmick infringement?
Anyway, to get things started, it’s worth mentioning that tonight’s commentary is brought to you by Eric Gargiulo (formerly of CZW) and “The Quintessential Studmuffin” Joel Gertner, who Garguilo lovingly refers to as “Muffin” for short. Alexis Laree shuts The Smoke up with a Johnny Cage split-punch to the gonads…as if I didn’t already love this woman enough. The best way to describe her opponent, Amanda Storm, would be if Bruiser Brody and Sheamus had a lovechild and was raised by a pack of trailer homes. I remember seeing her years ago on MTV’s True Life special on wrestling and I don’t remember her being this…off. In fact, she seemed quite nice. Anyways, the match itself is pretty decent, aside from a botched attempt at being thrown outside the ring.
What is this I don't even...
Alexis takes out The Smoke and Amanda Storm with a top rope dive to the outside with, in Gargiulo’s words, “one fall schwoop” and finishes Storm off with an Inverted DDT for the win. Wrestling-wise, it was watchable but if you’re looking to get aroused from this match, that’s a difficult task. On the one hand, you have Alexis Laree, who is smokin’ hot. But on the other hand, you have Amanda Storm, who is an insta-bonerkill. I’m gonna split the difference and give this 2 boners out of a possible 4. If you’re dextrous enough, you can just use the “thumb rule” to block out Amanda Storm.
Boner Count: 2 out of 4
Earlier tonight, some random blonde goes into the men’s restroom and demands that The Smoke kick “Ice Cold” Billy Austin’s ass for some reason. Gee, wonder who he’s impersonating… The Smoke makes a match with him and random blonde against Austin and Heather Lynn (a pornstar referenced in commentary) just for the PPV which The Smoke proclaims is “live…not even live, NATIONAL!” Wait, what? They leave but, OH NO, Billy Austin was taking a dump and heard the entire thing!
Huh?
Also, another random blonde sits in a dark room, smoking a cigarette and looking into a lighter. Hooray for character exposition…except I don’t know who the hell this is!
Match 2
Brittney The Schoolgirl vs Barroom Barbie
Referee: Isis
Before the match, Eric Garguilo tells us that this match is an “Old School Bra and Thong Match”, which he has no idea what that means. I wonder if Vince Russo is behind this. Garguilo also talks about the referee Isis, who dances in the ring before the match, remarking that “if you lose your way home, you can look on the back of Isis’ thighs for directions”. It’s funny ’cause it’s true because she has a bit of cottage cheese ass going, but Gargiulo tries to make it sound like a good thing for some reason. For the record, Barroom Barbie is Bobcat, who reached her peak of exposure as one of The Godfather’s hos who once won the WWF Hardcore title. And Brittney The Schoolgirl is a random fake blonde who would be super-hot if not for her massive five-head. Seriously, you could screen a double feature of Two Thousand Maniacs and The Gore-Gore Girls on that thing.
I'm willing to upgrade that to a six-head.
Apparently, the rules to an “Old School Bra and Thong Match” is that you take off your clothes…and that’s it? Garguilo gets in the most awkard Britney Spears reference ever, remarking that Britney “definitely isn’t a girl but looks just like a woman”. Nice, you just called her a Transvestite. Barbie goes to take off her clothes but Dawn Mae and Papa Mae (Their gimmick: being really fat and wearing overalls) attack them both, culminating in a big splash from Papa Mae, who has to be a legit 400 pounds minimum. Papa Mae cuts a promo but it’s hard to understand with him with all that fat in his vocal chords. They’re run off by Tai “Killer” Weed and Psycho Bitch, brandishing chairs. Their motive? Tai thinks the Maes took her stash of munchies and now she can’t get properly high. Seriously. Well, that’s what I think I got from it between all the profanity. So she challenges them to a tag match. And like it matters, the match has been ruled a No Contest. All in all, we got to see Brittney in her bra and panties and…that’s it. No one else. No wrestling. That’s all. I’ll give this 1 Boner because Brittney has some pretty awesome fake boobs that are almost as big as her forehead.
Boner Count: 1 out of 4
Backstage, we get Smoking Blonde (not because she’s smoking hot, but because she’s smoking cigarettes) again, this time looking at a strand of barbed wire. Yup.
Match 3
Tara Titanium vs Kristy Kiss
Referee: BJ
Tara Titanium brings out a trashcan full’a PLUNDAH and a whip. And since she’s wearing a red latex bodysuit, I assume that she’s some sort of dominatrix. Kristy Kiss is the blonde who’s been smoking cigarettes and holding barbed wire in the back so I guess her “training” is gonna pay off in this Weapons Match. Garguilo with the awkardness again as he refers to knife-edge chops as “breast-edge chops”. Wait, I know she’s hitting her boobs but the chops are supposed to feel like the edge of a knife, not the edge of another boob. Yeah, I know I’m overthinking this but I need something else to do during this match. It’s boring and neither of the competitors are all that attractive (though Tara Titanium does have the psycho “Do me or I’ll stab you”-look going for her). I will give props where it’s due though, as Kristy Kiss bleeds quite a bit after a pretty harsh chairshot. Tara wins after Kristy passes out in a Boston Crab. As weird as it sounds, I’m willing to give this match 1 Boner out of respect but I’m not one of those pervs that gets off on blood.
Boner Count: 1 out of 4
Yikes.
Match 4
Fujiko Kano vs Rebecca Wilde
Referee: BJ
Apparently, Fujiko Kano is the Japanese schoolgirl from earlier, only this time she’s dressed like a waitress as a high-end sushi restaurant, and we get about 30 racist jokes about wasabi and massage parlors during her entrance. But the funniest part to me is when she’s smiling at a fan for a picture, then suddenly waggles her tongue trying to be sexy but instead looking like she’s going to eat their brains.
HAWT
Her opponent for the match is the aforementioned “Rebecca” (actually Rebecca Wild, infamous 90s-era porn star) who comes out wielding a Singapore Cane. Maybe she’s supposed to be WEW’s Sandman but if I were in charge of booking, I would’ve tagged her with a partner, made a team called The Nasty Girls and named her “Jerri Saggs” because her fake boobs are almost halfway down her stomach.
Oh, and the stips for this match: Winner Gets G.I. Ho. I’m still trying to figure out if that’s more offensive than G.I. Bro. And the commentators are trying to hype up the severity of the situation, remarking that G.I. Ho is hetero but Fujiko is “full-on lesbo”. But that’s debunked when G.I. Ho starts making out with Rebecca before the match, which draws out Ho’s boyfriend. Fujiko takes offense and hits him with a high kick (because all Asians know how to do that) and they spend the “match” beating him up. During the melee, Rebecca takes a nasty spill out of the ring and her comedy boobs spill out and are censored. Normally, I’d be bummed about the censoring of boobs but I’m OK with this case. Some fan gets “lucky” during the beatdown when Rebecca gets thrown into the crowd and onto some morbidly obese guy, who blatantly cops a feel on her Jell-O sacks. I’m sure she’d be offended, but since she shows her boobs to the crowd while G.I. Ho helps her boyfriend to the back, I somehow doubt that. Whatever. This was somehow less of a match than the “Old School Bra and Thong Match” and there was nothing appealing about it. I’m giving it the lowest rating possible.
Boner Count: Boner’s Dead
Match 5
Candie vs Tara
Referee: BJ
For the record, this Tara isn’t the same as Tara Titanium from earlier. Both of these girls are from Maryland Championship Wrestling and are quite good…and hot to boot. Some dipshit in the crowd tries to start a “You are saggy” chant in Tara’s direction…did he not see the previous match? Yes, Tara’s breasts are quite big but they’re pretty sweet and the fact that she can actually wrestle with them makes it even better. Damnit Gargiulo, stop saying “breast-edge chop”! Tara gets the win with a cookie sheet shot to the head behind the ref’s back. Not a perfect match, but compared to the past couple matches, I feel like I’ve watched a wrestling clinic. Of course, the fans poop on it because they didn’t get naked but Candie gets some revenge (and pops) for tearing off Tara’s shirt post-match. I’d post a screencap but, to my surprise, I found that there was a bit of a nipslip that went uncensored and since I don’t know what the policy is here, I’m gonna play it safe. I was kinda hesitant on whether to go for 3 Boners for this match, knowing that they’ll have even better matches further down the line. But after discovering that nipslip (and the wretchedness of just about everything else before it), I’m willing to go 3 Boners on this one.
Boner Count: 3 out of 4
And that’s it for Volume 1. With a Final Boner Tally of just 7 out of a possible 20, that’s not very good. Whether you’re watching for wrestling, hot chicks or a combination of both, you’re going to get pretty disappointed on every level. Really, the only selling point for Volume 1 is seeing Mickie James before she made it big and one other decent match. Unless you REALLY want to see some saggy-boobed pornstars and the potential for a viral outbreak in the middle of South Philly, I can’t recommend watching this. And just think, if I do this for another three volumes, then I’ll finally have gotten through the first disc set…out of 8…not counting the single disc releases…
What did I get myself into?
Ryan Dickman (yup, real name) can be found at your friendly neighborhood Taco Bell, possibly asleep. Random musings, podcasts, whatevs, can be found at his blog Sarcasmatron. Also, stay in school.