by WillTheFighter
LLLLLLLADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
My name is Will, and I will give you a column unlike you’ve ever seen before. Why? Because I can.
In this life, my passion is wrestling, and there’s nothing I like discussing, analyzing, complaining about and enjoying more than professional wrestling. A side effect of this passion is that I am completely numb to the sight of shirtless men, and miraculously, still 100% heterosexual (except when concerning John Morrison). So, as I am now your party host for this sweet science, allow me to elongate my introduction to myself, in the form of a way-back pay-per-(re)view.
Today, we’re talking about what is one of my favourite pay-per-views of all time, and perhaps even my most favourite. We’re talking about Wrestlemania XX.
Now, before I start this in earnest, let me get one thing out of the way:
1) Chris Benoit is my favourite wrestler. This event features Chris Benoit, and as such, I will not only be talking about Chris Benoit, but praising Chris Benoit. If this bothers you, I understand completely and you are entitled to your feelings; however, let me re-emphasize that Chris Benoit is my favourite WRESTLER, and by no means my favourite person. Therefore, the man I will be praising is the man who I saw in the ring until his death, NOT the man who destroyed two lives and his own.
Now then, let’s go back, to where it all began again.
Wrestlemania XX
The Story So Far
March 2004. I was actually less than a year into my wrestling fandom, and hadn’t yet been completely smartened up to the business. I was perfectly content to enjoy Goldberg un-ironically (sorry), begrudgingly like Chris Jericho after hating his damn guts (I’m sorry), and enjoying watching the Shane/Kane feud (I’m so sorry). I had just begun to troll (in the wandering sense, not the lulz sense) wrestling websites for NEWZ (Lesnar vs. Goldberg for the WWE Title at Mania? Dream match!), but was still prone to being surprised, such as when Benoit won the Rumble, or when Eddie Guerrero won the WWE Title (forever ruining the prospect of a high-stakes Lesnar/Goldberg match, dammit). This was my first Wrestlemania as a fan, and I was excited, but also poor, so I had to settle for seeing the big show in poor quality on the Internet months later. Thankfully, the magic of that translated completely. Let’s do this like Brutus (Beefcake).
The Event
We start off with the Boys Choir of Harlem singing “America The Beautiful”, an event once deemed tedious by international viewers that benefits greatly from the skip scene function of DVDs. Next…wait, what the hell? I skip scenes, and it’s after the first match?! Who programmed this? Well, now I have to use the fast-forward button like a common animal. And now I went too far ahead! Aaaaow, this is the worst Wrestlemania ever!
The opening video highlights the most memorable moments of the past 19 Wrestlemanias, though conspicuously missing the bloody Vince McMahon face from XIX.
After these, various wrestlers give voice-overs to the importance of Wrestlemania; very well-done, and gives that Wrestlemania vibe. Granted, Big Show sounded like he was breathing heavy saying his lines, but otherwise a great video. I always loved the shot at the end with Vince, Shane, and Shane’s baby son. He’s gonna puke!
We get the usual fireworks (Wrestlemania-sized) and intro from both announce teams and the Spanish team. Note here that everyone’s favourite Michael Troll is seen here in pre-douche mode (a mere baby douche) and Taz(z) is dressing up tonight as a competent commentator (not for nothin’, huh huh)
WWE United States Championship Match
Big Show (c) vs. John Cena
Cena out first, in a Patrick Ewing jersey for the easy hometown pop, to add to his rising popularity at the time. Don’t judge us, we didn’t know better. He cuts a rap beforehand, accusing Big Show of “smuggling plums” in his singlet, and further associates him with a penis. See, guys? Cena was never too classy to go low-brow. This is Big Show’s first title defense at a Wrestlemania, says Cole, and unfortunately not his last, says me. Show straight-up overpowers Cena at the start, catching him off a cross body and power slamming him. Tazz states that Cena has a chance to win, but he thinks he won’t. Show continues to dominate Cena with various power moves; Big Show is Marmaduke-ing his way to a win here (as in; fuck, that dog is big). He is, so far, taking all of this match; something I am not used to seeing for a Cena match. The Hog Lock (seriously, what?) gets 2; Cena gets a sleeper, but is quickly shut down. Show gets a cobra clutch (sans backbreaker, unfortunately), but Cena comes back with punches; literally, the only move Cena has done in this match. Cena rallies back with an FUAA (seriously, Attitude Adjustment, fuck u), but Cena gets 2. This surprises Cena; I don’t know why, that is the only wrestling hold he’s done in the whole damn match. Cena teases using his steel chain necklace, managing to distract Jimmy Korderas (fellow Canadian!) in order to use his Word Life (*wistful sigh*) knucks to nail Show, enabling another FUAA for the win.
Winner and NEW US Champion: John Cena
(Fine opener, but it really bugs me that Show did all, and The Rock means ALL, the work in the match. Granted, lifting a 500-pound dude on your shoulders twice is no easy feat, but go watch the match and count the different moves Cena does. Never mind, I’ll do it for you: 1) Punch, 2) Basement dropkick to knee, 3) FUAA. OH YEAH, it’s that bad. Okay match.)
Backstage, Coach walks by The Girls Who Didn’t Win (Disney’s Recess reference), or the people not important enough to be on the card. Such names include Dr. Tom Pritchard, Johnny “The Bull” Stamboli, Teddy Long (heel at this point), and Johnny MANS (Morrison Ace Nitro Spade). Coach is put with the task of finding The Undertaker in the arena by Easy E Eric Bischoff, because rumour has it….HE’S IN THE BUILDING. Uh, yeah…and? Were we expecting him to be dead after all, and the last two months to have been an elaborate hoax? That would be a horribly anticlimactic, and yet ballsy as hell, decision to make.
We get an elongated Evolution promo led by the Legend Killer himself, Randy Orton (*Orton pose*), about the times Evolution has kicked the ass out of Mick Foley over the past year: Five times, including the birth of the Punt years before its time (sending Foley down a flight of stairs), Orton hocking a Grade-A loogie onto Foley’s ruggedly-handsome mug, and various other beatings (plus the legit hard-to-watch instance where Orton potatoed Foley in-ring, with Foley’s blessing). Great promo from a way-young Orton, very strong leading into the match.
WWE World Tag Team Championship Match
La Resistance vs. Garrison Cade & Mark Jindrak vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. Booker T and Rob Van Dam (c)
Nothing much to note about the entrances, other than the hometown pop for the Dudleys, and Booker’s atrocious tune from WWE Originals being featured. This is one sucka that can’t dig it (couldn’t resist). Dupree and Van Dam start, with Van Dam getting the shoulder charges/monkey flip combo. Tag to Booker, who hits a superkick off of a catapult for an early near-fall. Booker dumps Conway, and Bubba blind-tags in, getting a neckbreaker for 2. Flip, flop and fly is not dug by Booker, who hits a high kick, but D-Von comes in to hit his finisher (The Saving Grace) to no reaction, and Van Dam hits a top-rope kick on D-Von. Jindrak tags in and dominates Booker with Cade for a bit, before Dupree and Conway tag back in to dominate. My God, Conway got heat! It wasn’t much, but it was more than D-Von’s finisher! Conway with the surfboard stump puller (never knew which one was more correct) and Conway is still getting a mild heat (we’re talking Canadian summer mild). Other than the surprising inversion of the Conway pop, the crowd could not give less of a shit about this. Spinebuster by Booker, who tags out to Van Dam who cleans house on the heels and gets shots in on the Dudleys. Tease for the 5-Star, but Van Dam crashes to the outside. Brawl inside the ring to 2006 Conway heat (see: none), but a tease of the 3D wakes the crowd up, though it is only a tease. Booker gets the scissors kick on Conway followed by the 5-Star by Van Dam for the win. I’m unsure if Conway is legal, or if I care to check. I like how Van Dam has the presence of mind to do his pointing taunt, but not enough to keep his belt in his hands doing it. Whoops.
Winners, and STILL World Tag Team Champions: Booker T & Rob Van Dam
(Hey, at least they got paid. Mediocre.)
Coach hears “freakish noises” coming from a closet backstage, which is seen to be “Mean” Gene Okerlund and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan having wild animal sex with Mae Young and Fabulous Moolah (in the same room at the same time? EWWWWW!). Heenan is funny as hell off-the-cuff (“Mae, please! I haven’t been well!”), and it’s not the worst backstage skit I’ve seen in my life.
A promo is played for Chris Jericho vs. Christian, which is mega-awkward because of the Jericho/Trish kissing scenes. It was cool at the time, but watching Jericho moping over any broad doesn’t seem right. Thankfully, this didn’t last. Also, my God, Christian is the most perfect asshole I’ve ever seen. His early 2000s character was a master-class in rat bastardry. I mean, look at him.
LOOK AT HIM.
Chris Jericho vs. Christian
I wonder how many times King is going to reference Christian’s by-word of “tough love”. Both men jack jaws, and Jericho gets the better of Christian in the early going. King has said “tough love” 5 times. Jericho taunts Christian with the ol’ CLB moniker, and back drops him to the outside. I dig the reference by JR that Jericho’s father, Ted Irvine, played for The Rangers. Jericho hits a running elbow off the apron (C-Down and hold A), and goes for the Walls early inside, but Christian weasels out. Christian back suplexes Jericho outside in an impressive spot, and King has said “tough love” 7 times. Christian is in control, and gets the standing chin lock. Crowd is decently into this match, but are still relatively quiet so far. Best not to burn them out too quickly, a big temptation for Wrestlemania (at least they don’t have to follow Money In The Bank). Jericho goes for the Walls, but Christian hits a spinning heel kick; King suggests Christian release a country song, “She Broke My Heart, So I Broke Her Jaw”. That’s funny and true, though Jericho’s probably singing the same tune nowadays (hi-yoooo!). Both guys konk heads in the corner, and Jericho mounts a comeback with the “full head of steam” running crotch to the ropes and the not-yet-finisher-status running enziguiri for 2. Both exchange roll-up attempts, and Jericho gets a Northern lights suplex for 2, which Christian (slowly) bridges out of. Jericho hits the bulldog, but the Lionsault is blocked. Y2J blocks the Unprettier, but Christian hits the Diving Reverse DDT for 2. Has Christian EVER won a match with ANY kind of reverse DDT? I mean, even Edge won at least one match with the Edge-O-Matic. Jericho hits the Flashback sleeper slam, Christian comes back with a backbreaker and blocks a superplex, but his crossbody is reversed for a near-fall. Christian then locks in a Texas Clover Leaf to a bigger pop than you’d think, and I’m sad this was never made a regular part of his moveset. Jericho gets the Walls again, and manages to take it to the floor (shades of his match with HBK). Jericho hits a butterfly suplex off the top for 2. Trish runs to the ring (a shame it’s not farther away, knowwhatahmean?), as Christian hits a Gangrel-esque Implant DDT for a close near-fall. Trish and Christian struggle, Jericho knocks Christian outside, but he’s accidentally elbowed by Trish and Christian gets a flash roll-up for the win. Trish and Jericho’s dismayed reactions are priceless, Jericho looks like he’s legit about to cry (ACTING!). Christian comes back and (surprise!) Trish gives Jericho a couple of stiff slaps, followed by the Unprettier from Christian. I swear, Trish can turn on the face-to-heel look like a lightbulb; I mean, she looks like a whore immediately after the slap. It’s a talent, I…guess. Trish and Christian walk away, and share a lip-eating kiss that is somehow less awkward than any of Trish and Jericho’s encounters.
Winner: Christian
(Technically sound match, a little dull due to lack of heat, but still pretty good. King said “tough love” approximately 8 times.)
Backstage, Lillian interviews Foley, wearing an FDNY t-shirt. A typical Foley promo is interrupted by The Rock, who does his whole shtick to a big reaction. This is immediately more entertaining than Wrestlemania 27. Yeah, all of it. Rock highlights more scene-missing stars such as The Hurricane and Rosey (who looks a lot like Silent Bob, naga-nooch!), and the “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka and Don Muraco. Basically, a Rock Mad Libs promo, but still entertaining as all shit.
The Rock n’ Sock Connection vs. Evolution
Batista looks amped to be here, jumping around like a little kid at Christmas. JR wishes Happy Birthday to the then-one-year-old Huey, and I remember that Mick named his kids after Donald Duck’s nephews. That’s…awesome? Big donnybrook to start with Rock n’ Sock cleaning house. Flair and Rock stare down, and I feel like this should have more heat than it does. Rock mocks the strut after a shoulder tackle, but Flair appears to be as over, if not more, than the Brahma Bull. Rock gets the back drop (natch), and again on the floor, followed by a surprise Cactus Jack elbow. Foley is noticeably slimmer, below 300 pounds and looking every bit of it. Orton tags in, as does Foley, but Orton bails. Foley beats him up a little, then gets a duo of elbow drops inside for 2. Rock punches Randy in the dick, because he’s The Rock. King: “Rock’s walking tall, Orton’s walking funny”. Rock hitting a lot of punches (we’re talking Cena level), but the numbers game weakens him and Orton takes control. Batista is in, and overpowers Rock before tagging Flair in. Audience is “WOO”ing big time, Flair is great as usual. Rock clotheslines Flair mid-strut to audible boos, and denies Flair his top-rope move. Batista tags in, and shoulder charges Rock a few times, but Foley tags back in and (surprisingly) gets the better of Batista for a bit. Batista responds by casually murdering Foley with a lariat, and he is beaten up by Flair and Orton outside. Foley does his knee-to-the-stairs bump, and my own knees numb up in sympathy. Orton is legal (oh, baby), but quickly tags Flair, who gets an uninterrupted strut. Flair smartly holds on to the ankle of Foley while tagging out to Orton, who fish-hooks Foley’s mouth. Batista’s in, and tires Foley out with a pair of clotheslines before getting caught by the Mandible Claw, which is eventually broken up by a running Orton boot. Flair in, and both trade shots. Batista in, but Foley hits a swinging neckbreaker. Flair back in, but Foley finally tags Rock, who hits a DDT on Orton, and cleans house for a bit until being hit by a BAW-TEE-STAH (JR’s old pronouncing of his name) spinebuster, but Flair goes for the NATURE BOY ELBOW! It’s as magnificent as it sounds, or it would be, had Rock not interrupted (to sizeable boos). Rock sets up, and hits, the People’s Elbow for 2, and people are still a little upset over being cheated what could have potentially been the best thing ever. Orton in, Rock blocks the RKO and hits the Rock Bottom. Flair goes for a chair, effectively distracting the referee long enough for Batista to hit a Batista Bomb, which is but a near-fall to the Great One. Foley back in, and once again cleans house of Evolution. Double Arm DDT to Orton, but Foley knows that’s always a false finish, so he gears up Socko for the Mandible Claw. However, Orton pops up with the RKO for the victory. Foley is immediately back up to react, which is a little problematic since he was just hit with the finish, but whatever. Afterward, Rock and a distraught Foley pander to the crowd a little before leaving.
Winners: Evolution
(Again, fine match, but fell a little flat, all things considered. Should have been much bigger with The Rock and hometown hero Foley, and remains a mostly-forgotten match. Decent.)
JR shoots to the Hall of Fame recap quickly, which is highlighted by Heenan’s heartbreaking line, “I wish Monsoon was here”. Even a relative newbie like me can get teared up by that.
The Fink introduces “Mean” Gene Okerlund (a little redundant, but whatever, it’s a party!), who introduces the Hall of Fame inductees. This is followed by a promo for Cena’s first bare-bones DVD, You Can’t See Me (it’s not that I can’t, I just actively choose not to). Easily skippable.
Playboy Evening Gown Match
Torrie & Sable vs. Miss Jackie & Stacy Keibler
Oh, God…really? I don’t wanna. I mean, make no mistake, Will is a manly man, no joke. But his patience is limited, especially for a non-wrestling match like this farce. Oh Stacy, why? You’re better than this. Torrie and Sable decide to start the match with gowns off. Fantastic. God, this feels so wrong. I came to watch oily men grapple, DAMN YOU. Okay, that’s it, I’m switching to double speed. They’re fighting, they’re fighting…crossbody by Torrie. Sunset flip attempts are a “veiled” attempt for ASS. Torrie rolls up Jackie for the win. Thank heavens.
Winners: Torrie & Sable
Losers: Wrestling fans
(You know what I’m gonna say.)
Promo of international fans in line for Wrestlemania. They all sound like they’re from Ireland.
Eddie Guerrero walking backstage meets more Sirs Not-Appearing-In-This-Wrestlemania on his way to Chris Benoit’s locker room, including Paul London, a glaring Steven Richards, a bald Orlando Jordan (remember that?), Spike Dudley, and Mr. Ass himself Billy Gunn. Try the veal, everyone! Chris is pacing like mad, which Eddie notices. Eddie tries to pump up Benoit, but he’s as tense as he can be. Eddie talks about the dedication of Benoit to wrestling all his life, and says that whether win or lose, he’s proud of him. Benoit takes exception to the “lose” part, and Eddie reiterates that Benoit is facing “H…BK” and Triple H (I think Eddie might have been going to say H H H, but stopped himself. I think it’s funny), and that no one expects him to win, garnering boos from the crowd. Benoit yells “I BELIEVE IN ME!” which gets a pop from the crowd, and that tonight is his night to win the title. Eddie laughs and says that he’s been trying to get that same fire in Benoit kindled, and that’s the Chris he believes in. “I believe, Chris!” I miss Eddie.
Cruiserweight Open for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship
Chavo Guerrero (c) vs. Billy Kidman vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Tajiri vs. Akio vs. Shannon Moore vs. Ultimo Dragon vs. Nunzio vs. Jamie Noble vs. Funaki
Nunzio is awesome. So is Jamie Noble. They cleverly edit out Dragon’s entrance slip on the ramp. Rey Mysterio is dressed as The Flash, much more overt than his easily missable Daredevil attire last year. Dragon and Moore start. They do the typical cruiserweight golf-clap opening, though without the hokey stopping-for-applause part. Moore tries for the Halo, but misses, who quickly hits the Asai DDT for the pin.
Noble in, and pounces on Dragon. Dragon kicks Noble some (after nearly slipping), and goes for a moonsault, which leads Noble to hit a neckbreaker followed by the Paydirt submission.
Funaki’s crossbody gets reversed and he is eliminated. AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
Nunzio in, and tries to get on Noble’s good side by saying they’re related, a fact that no one but me remembers. Small “where’s my pizza?” chant as both men go back-and-forth, with Nunzio getting a sharp missile dropkick for 2. Nunzio thrown outside, and Noble hits a top-rope senton dive on him. Eventually, Nunzio is counted out after taking a humorous fall.
Kidman in, and Nunzio scraps with Noble on the outside. Kidman hits a sloppy/Kidman-esque Shooting Star Press to the outside, nearly hitting his fool head. Noble hits Paydirt (ha ha), but Kidman escapes, hitting an enziguiri. Kidman goes for another Shooting Star Press, but Noble climbs up with him, only to get hit with a top-rope BK Bomb for the elimination.
Mysterio in, and meets Kidman with a seated senton, which is answered with a dropkick. Mysterio kicks Kidman outside, but is hit with a rope jawbreaker by Akio, and is nearly pinned after a Kidman spinebuster. Mysterio and Kidman up top, Mysterio hits a top-rope Code Red powerbomb for the pin.
Tajiri in, and gets the Tarantula almost immediately. Mysterio counters the backflip elbow with a dropkick, and hits the 619. Tajiri tries for the mist, but accidentally hits Akio, and is victory rolled for the elimination. Akio is out, too.
Chavo in, and tries for the win after Mysterio got hit with a Buzzsaw Kick by Tajiri. Rey hits a springboard hurricanrana and takes Chavo Senior off the apron. He goes to dive on ol’ Chavo, but is stopped by L’il Naitch, a problem Mysterio solves by diving over Robinson onto Classic. Back in, Chavo blocks a sunset flip attempt and gets a rana pin, winning the match by grabbing Chavo Senior’s arm.
Winner, and STILL Cruiserweight Champion: Chavo Guerrero Jr.
(Good, solid match, but marred by time constriction. These men had to condense their individual greatnesses into a 10-minute package. Good match.)
A promo is played for Goldberg vs. Lesnar, which would end up being the best thing about what would happen next. At this point, 14-year-old me is practically drooling to see Goldberg beat the piss out of Lesnar. Piss would indeed be involved, mostly in the fact that I needed to take one halfway through. But I’m getting ahead of myself…
Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg; “Stone Cold” Steve Austin as guest referee
Sorry, teenage Will: This is NOT for the WWE Title. Austin arrives first on that fucking awesome ATV to the expected big pop. Lesnar out to sizeable heat, but also gets those cool ring post fireworks. Surprisingly…no, no, unsurprisingly, Austin doesn’t even flinch when they go off. Goldberg out to a mixed reaction, and I get to relive one of my earliest favourites. Sure, he’s clumsy as Goofy and more than a bit of a jackass, but damn it, I like Goldberg. “Gold-Berg” chants a-plenty. Now, let’s get ready for DISAPPOOOOINTMEEEENT! “You Sold Out” chants directed at Lesnar, who would leave for a failed bid at an NFL career. “Na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye” chants. Lesnar and Goldberg dropping clear f-bombs. If you haven’t noticed, they ain’t done shit yet. “Austin” chants, further stalling any action. This is the Matrix Reloaded of this match, the build-up before the disappointment of the rest of the match, the Matrix Revolutions portion (topical, I know). They tie up and push each other for a bit, and that’s it. Boos. “This Match Sucks”. Yeah, I know. Side headlock by Lesnar. They charge into each other a couple times, and that’s it. “We Want Bret”. I want something, anything. Please? Lesnar stomps, and Goldberg gets the gorilla press into “a modified spear”. He misses the Spear and falls outside. Goldberg shoved into the ring post. “Goldberg sucks”. Suplex by Lesnar. They could go slower than this, but not much. Another suplex. Lesnar applies a modified chinlock, AND THAT’S IT. This is literally everything that’s happening. Smattering of “Hogan” chants. Goldberg escapes, but Lesnar gets the chinlock again. Goldberg escapes, and they charge each other down again. Lesnar shoulder charges in the corner. Goldberg hits the snap neckbreaker and follows up with the Spear for a 2-count, much to everyone’s disappointment. Lesnar hits the F5 for a 2-count, much to everyone’s disappointment. Lesnar misses a spear, and gets speared himself followed by the Jackhammer for the win, much to everyone’s elation. AND THAT’S IT! Afterwards, Lesnar flips off the (rightfully) upset audience and Austin, leading to Stone Cold stunning Lesnar “out of a WWE ring!” Subtle, Jim. Goldberg comes back for a beer bash with Austin, but also gets stunned. G’bye Bill, thanks for nothing! Austin celebrates, trying in vain to make up for that travesty.
Winner: Goldberg
Losers: Everyone
(Terrible. Worse than terrible, the disappointing kind of bad match. This could have been awesome, but instead ended up a straight-up abortion. You have to TRY to suck this hard. Blow me.)
Vince McMahon comes out, and personally thanks everyone for making Wrestlemania what it is today. Very classy.
WWE Tag Team Championship Match
The World’s Greatest Tag Team vs. The Bashams vs. APA vs. Scotty 2 Hotty & Rikishi (c)
After that last match, even the APA is enough to wake up these poor people. Wow, nobody gives one FUCK about the Bashams. Woe to those men caught on camera dancing to Rikishi’s music. WOE. Shelton and Bradshaw first, Bradshaw hits Shelton a bunch, natch. Doug Basham tags out Bradshaw, and both he and Danny work over Shelton. Shelton tags Haas, hitting a body slam over Haas’ knee. Danny hits a jawbreaker and Scotty tags in, hitting a back suplex and dancing some. Scotty, in an attempt to skin the cat, gets hit by the WGTT’s Broken Arrow; a real cool spot, plus I love that move. Haas gets a bearhug on S2H, and is tagged out by Doug, who kicks Scotty as he rolls up Haas. Bashams with a double team suplex and nip up, and double the heat. Unfortunately, double zero is still zero. Scotty hits an enziguiri to Doug, and tags to Rikishi who cleans house. Double clothesline to the WGTT, and hits a DDT on Danny for 2. Shelton stupidly goes for a German suplex on Rikishi, and get ass’d out of the ring. Rikishi gets the Stinkface on Haas, and Bradshaw hits the Last Call on Doug over the top rope onto the WGTT, followed by a Clothesline From Hell onto Danny. Rikishi gets a Samoan Drop on Bradshaw, and straight up sits on Danny for the win. Scotty does the W-O-R-M, and they do the dancing routine to put a much-deserved smile on the crowd’s faces.
Winners, and STILL WWE Tag Team Champions: Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty
In an ironic twist on recent events, an Edge Is Coming vignette is played. Ho ho ho.
Jesse “The Body” Ventura comes out to do an interview with someone at ringside, that someone being Donald Trump. You know, in hindsight, I love that they brought out Jesse, but I kind of wish he got to interview a current Superstar not on the roster and give him a rub; especially since the Trump interview goes nowhere and is just a way for Jesse to plug his nonexistent bid for the White House. Great to see Ventura, but it was so short and so pointless that it’s another highly skippable event.
Lucha de Aspuesta (Hair vs. Title) match for the WWE Women’s Championship
Victoria (c) vs. Molly Holly
The barber’s chair is introduced, and right away, you know that Molly Holly ain’t winning. They wouldn’t not only show the chair, but even bring it out, if they weren’t gonna use it in the first place. Molly Holly is awesome, by the way, and a good sport to go along with losing her hair. Molly gets some good shots in to begin with, and works the left arm before bailing outside. Victoria looks so young here. I think it’s a combo of the eye makeup and the fact that this is 2004 and everything. Molly with a snap suplex and a low dropkick, followed by a neck vice. Crowd is dead, dead, dead; they probably also know that the winner is as easy to guess as who the killer will be in Scream 4 (spoilers: It’s Sidney, lol). Victoria comes back with a jackknife pin and a powerslam for 2. JR and King are inexplicably talking about granny panties. Molly gets a top-rope sunset flip powerbomb (with a bit of a stutter to it) for 2, and goes for either a Canadian backbreaker or the Widow’s Peak, but Victoria reverses with a backslide for the win. Wait, really? Wow, they sure gave up on that fast. However, though the match itself fizzled out, it’s worth it for the aftermath: Molly runs away, but eventually puts Victoria in the chair, managing to shave a few hairs before getting sprayed in the face by…something, and having her head unmercifully shaved. I’m sure somebody gets turned on by the fact that Molly is strapped into the barber’s chair. Molly’s reactions throughout this whole thing are great, she acts the hell out of this part. Funny, and a little heartbreaking once she gets real bald, though the look is actually pretty good on her.
Winner, and still Women’s Champion: Victoria
(This match suffered from next to no time and a dead crowd. Could have been a lot better if those two factors were different. Mediocre.)
A promo is played for Angle/Guerrero. Fantastic build-up, with Kurt as the self-righteous challenger morally against Eddie’s “Lie, Cheat and Steal” ways, and Eddie as the impassioned and enraged champion. A great story will be told here tonight.
WWE Championship Match
Eddie Guerrero (c) vs. Kurt Angle
Angle enters first, with Molly’s haircut still going on. I love how the mini-trons are on the floor of the entrance, and a lot of them tonight have been real cool. Angle’s is an American flag with lights. Eddie comes out in a “low rider”, which is just an orange pick-up truck with hydraulics. “Eddie” chants a-plenty. Angle tries to out-do Eddie with amateur-style takedowns, but Eddie manages to counter well. Brief “Let’s Go, Angle” chant. The story being told here is very good: Angle begins every exchange with dominant amateur holds, but Eddie is holding his own, move-for-move, subtly building frustration in Angle early on. Eddie hits three consecutive shoulder blocks on Angle, forcing Angle out to the floor. Not only is Angle getting frustrated, but Eddie is (as Cole and Tazz note) gaining confidence with every successful exchange. Just brilliant. Kurt is in control with a front face lock, but Eddie eventually slips out and regains control with an armbar. Angle comes back with a kitchen sink knee (No Mercy) and an abdominal stretch, and both men exchange singular versions of their signature suplexes. Kurt goes for an apron German suplex, the Move That Never Hits, but Eddie breaks free and attempts to dive onto Kurt on the outside, but eats some barricade. Back inside, Angle gets a back breaker and corner shoulders, and grapevines his legs around Eddie. Eddie hits a jawbreaker to escape, but is hot-shot gut-first into the top rope for 2. Belly-to-belly by Angle, followed by another for 2. Angle must have taken pointers from Burgess Meridith; he’s workin’ the body, so the head will die. Eddie tries to escape from an Angle submission by gouging the eyes, but eats another belly-to-belly for 2. Angle brings Eddie upstairs, intending for a super b-t-b, but Eddie pushes him off and misses a quick Frog Splash. Angle is in full control and resorts to full-on right hands, reminiscent of the beating he gave Eddie days before. GENIUS! Eddie, however, is firing up and takes more Angle punches, and comes back with a back suplex for 2. Angle comes back with 2/3 Germans, but Eddie counters the third with a victory roll, and is met with a stiff clothesline. Angle Slam is reversed into an arm drag, and Eddie hits a head-scissors takedown. Eddie hits 2/3 Amigos, and Angle reverses numero tres into an Ankle lock, which Eddie escapes. Attempting the Frog Splash, Eddie is hit with a super-belly-to-belly-plex for a close 2. Angle and Eddie are mirroring each other so well, this is a stupendous match. STRAPS DOWN! Angle gets the Ankle Lock, but Eddie counters with a roll-up. Angle straight-up dead lifts Eddie with a German. Eddie turns an Angle Slam attempt into a tornado DDT in a spectacular counter, and follows up with the Frog Splash for a near-fall (shades of Lesnar/Guerrero, another nice touch). Angle gets the Ankle Lock, but is rolled outside by Eddie. I appreciate that Eddie didn’t prolong being in the Ankle Lock like Shawn Michaels would do a year later. Eddie undoes the laces of his left boot; supposedly to lessen the pain, but something’s up. Eddie literally says “Oh, shit” as Angle has a look of fury on his face, and gets the Ankle Lock again. However, it’s on the unlaced boot, and Eddie easily rolls out. Confused, Angle is caught in an inside cradle, and Eddie wins (he even hooked the bottom rope for good measure). Angle is distraught, and Eddie now comically has one boot on.
Winner, and STILL WWE Champion: Eddie Guerrero
(Fantastic match! Even better than the last time I saw it, Angle and Eddie put on the best match yet on the show. This was an instant classic.)
Promo is played for Undertaker/Kane feud #3571, section a. Kane’s not afraid of Undertaker, blah blah blah. I remember when this was going on, Undertaker’s antics against Kane every week was super compelling, because it was my first exposure to the mystical Undertaker. Despite the corniness of the whole thing, Kane’s acting throughout put this over great. It may not have been great, but it was at least entertaining, and sometimes that’s all you can ask for.
The Undertaker vs. Kane
Kane enters first, and the set (made to look like the shape of Manhattan) turns into a burning city. Fucking bad ass! Easily the best mini-tron effect of the night. Kane gives some awesome unimpressed facial expressions in the ring, and the lights go out, to the tune of “OOOOHHHHH YEEEEEEEEES!” Paul Bearer comes out, flanked by druids and a big pop. King is losing his shit at the sight of Bearer, really selling the spookiness of it all. Paul can be heard to shout, “You’re no son of mine!” at Kane. The arena is on pins and needles at this point, and for damn good reason. The gong tolls, and the places goes bananas gorilla. The Undertaker saunters out to an enormous reaction, and walks through the druid’s flame. Even on DVD, this entrance is absolutely scintillating, just as it was 7 years ago. I always liked how this version of Undertaker seemed to combine the ring-gear of the American Bad-Ass, and the pageantry of the Dead Man. Kane is going nuts, screaming, “I BURIED YOU ALIVE!” at the top of his lungs. Kane is many things, but a bad actor he is not. There is a long pause before the fight, in which Kane slowly convinces himself that Undertaker is not real. This gives him confidence enough to go up and touch the “spectre” of The Undertaker, which gets him a veritable hurricane of punches. This was legitimately brilliant, very convincing by Kane. The referee attempts to stop Undertaker, but he just looks at him and the ref bails outside. YES. Kane attempts a comeback outside, but is shut down by Taker, who delivers the ol’ apron leg drop. Undertaker corner charges Kane twice as Bearer berates his son (sorry, I mean Kane. I forget if he fathered Undertaker. Oy…). Kane grounds and pounds Undertaker, but Undertaker switches and does the same. Kane hits the sidewalk slam followed by the Big Red Lariat off the top for 2. The crowd is surprisingly silent, most likely because they know that Undertaker sure as hell ain’t losing and they await his comeback. Undertaker hits the running boot and a leg drop. Crowd on their feet for Old School, but Kane counters with a Chokeslam attempt. Undertaker grasps Kane’s throat back, but Kane eventually gets the Chokeslam From Hell. Undertaker predictably sits up, much to the awesome reaction of Kane, and goes into full-on no sell mode. Leaping lariats precedes the Undertaker choke slam, and the crowd wants the Tombstone. Undertaker happily obliges for the win. Undertaker does the usual blue-light-kneeling-pose routine to end.
Winner: The Undertaker
(Match wasn’t much in terms of technique, but the psychology and story were excellent. I had so much fun watching this again. Great match.)
Promo is played for the triple threat match. It does a good job condensing a three-month story between three guys into 3-4 minutes. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the suspect validity of Shawn Michaels signing the un-open contract for the title match intended for Benoit, but I guess that kind of power is in his contract or something. Great build-up; I think the editing for the part including “Step Up” by Drowning Pool is fantastic, it just fits the story so well.
World Heavyweight Championship Match
Triple H (c) vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Benoit
Shawn out first with…ribbons from the ceiling? Arright, I guess every year can’t be Wrestlemania 12. Benoit out next, with a good reaction; I’d say he and HBK are almost equal in that regard. HHH out last, with that weird pseudo-pop that he’d always get during this time, which would always bother me because not only is he supposed to be a heel, but this is when everyone, smark and mark alike, hated Hunter’s stupid guts. Never made sense to me, but maybe it’s the sheer metalness of the entrance, which I guess is reason enough to cheer. Kind of wish this match got the post-entrance ring introductions, but a minor nit-pick. “Let’s Go, Benoit” says the audience. HBK and Benoit tussle as to who gets to whale on HHH, and Benoit goes for the Crossface early on HBK. Both exchange chops, and Benoit whips HBK into HHH, sending the latter to the floor. Benoit (barely) bridges out of an HBK pin, and hits a Northern lights suplex. HHH back in and corks HBK with a clothesline. HBK skins the cat back into the ring, and Benoit gets dumped outside. Back drop to HHH by HBK, but Hunter comes back with a high knee. Outside, HHH rams Benoit back-first into the ring, which Benoit sells very well. HBK climbs the top rope and hits a picture-perfect moonsault onto both men. H’s BK and Triple tussle back inside, but Benoit comes back and throws HBK shoulder-first into the post. Benoit hits the snap suplex and audible chops to Hunter, but gets hung up in the tree of woe (right after taking the Bret Hart chest-to-turnbuckle whip, I might add). Hunter whips Shawn into Benoit, but is in turn hit by the upside-down Benoit’s boot. HBK with the patented forearm nip up, but Benoit disposes of him to the outside, and goes for the Hat Trick on Hunter, which he eventually gets completely. Benoit climbs for the diving headbutt, but is crotched by HBK, who eats a DDT from Hunter. HHH (eventually) gets a superplex, and JR poses a mathematical query: “Does one superplex equal three Germans?” I’m an English major, so fuck if I know. Crowd behind Benoit, as King is behind Hunter. Pedigree attempt is blocked and turned into the Crippler Crossface, but HBK makes the save. Shawn attempts his own Hat Trick, but Benoit’s all “Fuck that shit, Pabst Blue Ribbon”, and hits his own Hat Trick. Benoit signals for and hits the diving headbutt (which, I swear, was once called the Wolverine Slam by Tazz). Shawn recycles the forearm nip up combo, and follows up with the inverted atomic drop/clothesline(s)/body slam combo, leading into (you guessed it) the elbow drop, which connects. His Spirit meter full, Shawn shifts the joystick by the ropes (ie. tunes up the band) and scores with Sweet Chin Music on Hunter, but Benoit makes the save by pulling Hunter out. Shawn does the Flair/Michaels flip-over spot in the corner; Benoit attempts the Sharpshooter, but changes to a catapult to the corner, and Shawn blades in remarkably swift fashion. Benoit attempts the Crossface and gets it, but as Michaels attempts to tap, Hunter (in genius fashion) stops Shawn’s hand from hitting the ground. Benoit is whipped into the stairs, and is bleeding from above the eye, but that shit’s hard-way. HHH clears the Smackdown announce table, and Benoit responds by clearing the Spanish announce table next to it. Both men attempt their moves, but Shawn comes in for he and Hunter to deliver a double suplex to the Smackdown announce table. “Holy shit!” chants, and rightfully so. The bloody HBK and HHH face off, and exchange blows, before Hunter is whipped to the outside spectacularly, hitting a cameraman. HHH is busted open; I didn’t see him expressly hit his head, so I’ll assume he got it from thinking too hard. Hunter hits the Pedigree, but is too weakened to take advantage in time, and Benoit makes a surprise return to break up the pin. Benoit gets a second wind with chops, and blocks the Pedigree and turns it into the Sharpshooter. HHH is whippin’ his fair back and forth (real good), and JR is hoarse by this point. HBK slides back in with Sweet Chin Music to Benoit, shades of 5 minutes ago. Michaels wisely covers Benoit, but gets el zilcho (is it too late to change my name?). HBK tunes up the band again, but is dumped outside by Benoit. Benoit counters the Pedigree into one of the longest Crossface spots you’ll ever see; HHH even rolls over, but Benoit holds on like the proverbial wolverine, and eventually manages to make The Game submit, for his first (and only) World title (in WWE). The crowd is on their feet, as they should be. Benoit is crying profusely, as JR is going above and beyond to put over Benoit’s years of wrestling and sacrifice to get to this point (“Finally! Finally! My God, finally!”). Eddie Guerrero is in the ring, applauding and hugging his best friend as confetti showers down, and Benoit does that “YES! YES” thing that he did. This moment would be one of the best Wrestlemania moments for the years to come, and is now one of the best ways to depress the shit out of you at a moment’s notice.
Winner, and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Chris Benoit
(Excellent match from beginning-to-end, and one of the all-time best of any Wrestlemania.)
A promo is played recapping the show, to the songs “Touche” by Godsmack, and the theme of Wrestlemania XX, “Step Up” by Drowning Pool.
In Conclusion
I stand by my stance that this is one of my favourite Wrestlemanias ever, and that it is one of the best, but it has quite a few blemishes all the same: Shortened matches, a distinct lack of heat at points, and even a few stinkers on the card. However, the last three matches were all tremendous in their own ways, and possibly saved the show from the dregs. All in all, this is still a highly enjoyable event that everyone should see; and personally, it remains a definitive testament to the in-ring greatness of Chris Benoit, The Wrestler.
Thank you for your reading. I hope I’ve entertained you, and if not, I still had fun writing this.
This is Will. Goodbye, and keep fighting.