The things I do for Spike TV
Tuesday 9pm
Well since Dracula decided to be a little bitch and have some hopping midget cut my cable off, I’m at his giant castle about to give him the talking-to of his life. Man this gate is tall.
9:13pm
Tore a big hole in my pants, but finally made it over the gate. Found a better whip in a flaming pedestal. Who puts weapons in flaming pedestal? What is Dracula, a drug lord? Geez.
9:30pm
Well thought I had showed Dracula who’s boss, but turned out to be some stupid giant bat. I had just gotten a booty call when this happened. No turning back now I guess. Damn it.
9:55pm
Hey look flying ugly lady heads, I’m sure glad that you know how to live without a body. And yes, it is quite impressive that you have somehow mastered the art of flying…but could you please do me a favor and stop knocking me off the damn platform? My knees are all skinned up and I’m getting a bit winded. Thanks.
Staring contest....GO!
10:23pm
So I whipped some of the candles and a giant heart came out. What the hell am I supposed to do with this? I’d put it in my pocket, but it’s sticky and I swear I saw it still beating. I’m not touching that damn thing. This place sucks.
10:47pm
So had to beat up Frankenstein and some midget…I think it was his agent. I didn’t really want to, because I loved his work at Universal, but he told me times were tough and a job’s a job. Before I destroyed him, I did get him to sign my Young Frankenstein DVD. He signed it “Puttin’ on the Ritz! Frankie”. What a pro.
11:16pm
I was starting to get pretty damn hungry when I whipped the wall out of frustration. Imagine my surprise when the wall broke and a giant turkey leg was inside! I know I’m going to regret this later, but I’m so hungry I almost ate one of those giant hearts. Yuck.
What...no appetizer!?
11:32pm
Stuck here while a skeleton throws bones at me. Seeing as he only has 206 of them, I’ll wait it out.
11:51pm
Just beat up two mummies. Seeing as mummies aren’t usually seen around here, I’m guessing Dracula imported them. All they did was bump into the walls and each other. Great investment there asshole.
12:03am
Had to take a monster crap. Knew that turkey leg was a bad idea.
12:34am
HOLY SHIT! IT’S DEATH! How the hell did Dracula get Death!? Isn’t that a bit extreme!? “Oh hey, can’t really afford to fix Simon’s cable, but let’s hire fucking DEATH to float around my den for a while!” What a douchebag.
1:00am
Does a home really need this many hallways?! I’ve been walking for miles fighting fish fuckers, bird bastards, and whore heads and I’m still not there yet!
1:25am
I wonder how long it takes for Dracula to get to the kitchen?
1:59am
FINALLY!! I find that bastard Dracula sitting in an admittedly sweet leather sofa watching TV. I get my whip out ready to put a hurting on his big bald dome when he turns to me and says “Dude, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure’s coming on! I got chips.” Fuck it, I’m tired and that movie rules. You win this round Drac…now pass the chips.
"Tell me about your big 'but', Dracula"
Academy Award Viewer Dan Lashley is a filmmaker, screenwriter, and on the weekends the best damn rodeo clown this side of Tulsa. He can also be found at www.mymomthinksimfunny.com where he’s been trapped in a broom closet (with time off for good behavior) since 2010.