What does Ben Affleck have against Christmas? Between this and “Reindeer Games” (which I recently reviewed on the Action Attraction podcast), it seems he hates the holiday so much that he’ll make horrible movies centered around it! To make it even worse, their initial releases weren’t even around Christmas. “Reindeer Games” was released in February 2000 (a good two months after Christmas) and “Surviving Christmas” was released in October of 2004 (two months before Christmas). The latter may be closer to the date without going over, but this isn’t “The Price is Right”.
An episode of “The Price is Right” would garner more holiday cheer than this turkey. It wouldn’t even need a lousy script (written by four people!) to attempt to force sympathy on the audience. How anybody would sympathize with the douche bag known as Drew Latham (Ben Affleck) is beyond me! Don’t feed me the troubled childhood card. That wasn’t revealed until the back end and felt forced. Troubled childhood or not, that’s no reason to be as smarmy and self-centered as Drew is.
I guess I should explain who Drew is. He’s a successful ad executive living in Chicago (which Mike Mitchell presents as a jolly place, the first of many lies in this film). His girlfriend dumps him a few days before Christmas because he thinks going to Fiji is a better celebration than spending time with family. This somehow strikes a chord with him and he goes back to his childhood home (which, if his troubled youth is to be believed, his family never would’ve been able to afford) to repent his grievances.
Not taking kindly to strangers burning paper in his yard (not the type of burning paper you’re thinking of; that was probably used during the filming to get everybody through), Tom Valco (James Gandolfini) cracks him in the skull with a shovel. This is the one moment of the film where the audience rejoices. When Drew awakens, he offers the Valco family twenty-five thousand dollars to allow him to stay with them and recreate his magical Christmas. Tom graciously accepts.
Here’s where the film starts to fall apart. This isn’t a drama. It’s a cheap comedy manufactured to steal money from people looking for some laughs and holiday cheer. I say it’s stolen from them since they don’t get what they came for. “Surviving Christmas” isn’t funny and it’s far from heartwarming! The “tearful” revelations that transpire are forced and would only work in a drama that was crafted by a skilled director. This is not that movie, no matter how hard I wish it was!
This is a comedy that wants us to believe that Tom would accept the twenty-five thousand dollar offer, then complain the next morning when Drew is eating the last of his salami. He’s giving you twenty five grand to spend a few days with you. Let him eat your fucking salami! I can understand the rest of the family being peeved, as Tom went behind their back and made this deal, but not the man responsible himself. I even struggle to sympathize with the rest of the family. Sure, it sucks they have to put up with a douche bag Christmas, but they’re at least getting a lot of money out of it. Audiences paid to watch this douche bag prance around on screen and got nothing in return.
Let’s dissect the rest of the family. You have the mother, Christine (Catherine O’Hara), who’s having marital problems and is feeling unattractive. Drew tries to show some kindness and pays for a makeover for her, which results in a revealing photoshoot (done by Udo Kier, of all people) that winds up online. This is discovered by her son, Brian (Josh Zuckerman), who is an average fifteen year old spending his free time watching porn. Well, not anymore after this traumatizing experience. Then there’s Alicia (Christina Applegate), the eldest sister who came home for the holidays.
This agitates Drew, as he never had a sister. According to his revelation later on, he didn’t have a happy home life either, but whatever. He tries to con her into being a maid (calling her Consuela, proving he’s not just a douche bag, but a racist one too), then slowly falls in love with her. If that’s a spoiler for you, I apologize. You must not have watched many films.
There are two things wrong with this scenario. The first being that we’re supposed to believe that somebody would be angry to have Christina Applegate come to their Christmas gathering (that would be a present for me). The second being that the two have no chemistry. Hell, they don’t have much time to develop any! They go from hating each other one second and falling in love the next. There was no sign, outside of a gaudy act on Drew’s part that was initially spat on, that these two cared for each other. The only reason they do is because this is a clichéd comedy that has to follow the blue prints.
If one were to argue which was a worse Ben Affleck Christmas movie, this would beat “Reindeer Games” any day of the week! At least the John Frankenheimer action film is so bad it’s good. “Surviving Christmas” is so bad it’s excruciating! An occasional chuckle here and there doesn’t make up for an hour and a half of cheap humor and forced melodrama. Especially when it’s in the company of a dick like Drew Latham!
Final Rating: D