“Imagine a remake of The Matrix scripted by a five-year-old boy and edited by a chimpanzee.”
Shame on BBC’s film critic Nicholas Barber for that quote! For that quote makes “Assassin’s Creed” sound like an amazing concoction, akin to the wonderment of “Axe Cop.” That was a webcomic drawn by Ethan Nicholle and written by his five-year-old brother, Malachai (during his off season as leader of the “Children of the Corn”). It is as random as you’d expect, with the titular cop fighting crime 23.98/7 (he sleeps for only two minutes), brandishing a fireman’s axe he found lying around. He encounters characters such as Uni-Baby (a baby with a unicorn horn that grants wishes), Sockarang (a friend with socks for arms that can be used as boomerangs), and Flute Cop (a shapeshifting cop who…well, the name says it all). It is without a doubt one of the most joyous comics I’ve ever had the pleasure of reading; a nonstop thrill ride of imagination! It even received an entertaining animated series!
To use the dignity of a five-year-old’s writing abilities in a review, there best be good reason for it. In Nicholas Barber’s case, it is misleading. “Assassin’s Creed” couldn’t have come from the mind of a five-year-old boy, as it’s not as bombastic and winsome as that child’s imagination. It has a concept that could easily come from his mind, but the execution is not of his volition. It is too bland and derivative to come from his creative mind.
Callum Lynch (Michael Fassbender) reacts to a revolutionary technology, administered by the mysterious Sofia (Marion Cotillard). Photo Credit: Kerry Brown.
“Assassin’s Creed” actually comes from the mind of Patrice Désilets, as it is based on his game of the same name published by Ubisoft. I have not played the game (or in any in the series), for I have become the boring adult I mocked as a child, but I know of its premise. The protagonist is used as a lab rat for Animus, a high-tech machine that can translate the genetic memories of his ancestors into a simulated reality. This allows the player to play as that ancestor, an assassin during the Third Crusade. The assassin is in search of the “Apple of Eden,” a relic possessing god-like powers. The game utilizes stealth and intricate combat, which the player must master. By honing their skills, they learn more of the assassin’s past, acting as a unique form of self-discovery.
While the basics translate over, the film loses the magic. The ramifications of the Animus and its purpose come across poorly. The screenplay (credited to Michael Lesslie, Adam Cooper, & Bill Collage) is all over the place, jumping back and forth between Abstergo Industries’ goal, the troubled past of convicted criminal Callum Lynch (Michael Fassbender), and the treachery surrounding the “Apple of Eden” during the Spanish Inquisition. Lynch is recruited by the organization to translate the genetic memories of his assassin ancestor, though those unfamiliar with the concept will possibly be confused. It is framed as such that he is manifested back in olden times, busting out stellar moves and being an all-around badass. He is sent back to the Spanish Inquisition as the “Apple of Eden” is believed to be there, the hope that he can extract information on its whereabouts. It’s about time someone expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Through a revolutionary technology that unlocks his genetic memories, Callum Lynch (Michael Fassbender) experiences the adventures of his ancestor, Aguilar, in 15th Century Spain with Maria (Ariane Labed). Photo Credit: Kerry Brown.
It is supposed to be a surprise that Abstergo Industries is corrupt, but is so blatantly obvious from the second that its owner, Rikkin (Jeremy Irons), steps into frame. He gives that icy stare that only Irons is capable of, informing those watching that he is not to be trusted. His daughter, Sofia (Marion Cotillard), is much more wholesome, truly wanting to give the test subjects a second chance at life and do well by the “Apple of Eden.” I have my suspicions, though. She works with Lynch
Why the magic doesn’t translate from game to cinema is because the film lacks interactivity. In the game, one is ironing their skills via trial and error, investing them emotionally in the character. The better they get, the more revelations are unraveled. The insight into the protagonist’s past is palpable, enhancing the story. Here, Lynch’s troubled past comes across as trite. His father killed his mother in cold blood, most obviously an assassin warped by Abstergo. He has grown up with a grudge against his father, turning him to a life of crime. He’s a loose cannon that can’t be tamed…except when he is. He’ll never forgive his father…except when he does, rather quickly. He’ll never be a good…ah, you see where this is going.
Through a revolutionary technology that unlocks his genetic memories, Callum Lynch (Michael Fassbender) experiences the adventures of his ancestor, Aguilar, in 15th Century Spain. Photo Credit: Kerry Brown.
Lynch’s plight isn’t engaging, nor is the inner workings of Abstergo, due to a muddled script. Hammy dialogue plagues the production, with the disinterested actors caring not to elevate it. Fassbender is chewing up the scenery, cheekily demanding that he’s hungry whenever confronted with the severity of his situation. At one point, he comically starts singing “Crazy” by Patsy Cline…you know, because he’s crazy. There’s being on the nose and then there’s being the nose. Cotillard & Irons aren’t much better, sleepwalking through their performances. Brendan Gleeson phones it in as Lynch’s father, Joseph.
This is all excusable in return for jaw-dropping action. Unfortunately, there’s not much of it. Seventy-five percent of the film takes place in Abstergo headquarters, a complaint of some of the games. Even when the focus changes to 1492 Spain, the editing constantly cuts back to present time to show Lynch synchronizing with his ancestor. This means we see him strapped to a giant claw, being flailed about as holograms prance around him. All the while, his fellow guinea pigs stage a revolt, one so underdeveloped I almost forgot to mention it.
Through a revolutionary technology that unlocks his genetic memories, Callum Lynch (Michael Fassbender) experiences the adventures of his ancestor, Aguilar, in 15th Century Spain. Callum discovers he is descended from a mysterious secret society, the Assassins, and amasses incredible knowledge and skills to take on the oppressive and powerful Templar organization in the present day. ASSASSIN’S CREED opens in theaters worldwide on December 21st, 2016. Photo Credit: Kerry Brown.
To the film’s credit, the fight scenes are incredibly well-staged! The stealth aspect is barely a blip on the radar, but the stunning acrobatics are on full display. The assassins move about briskly, dispensing of foes with ease. It is stunning to watch the smooth choreography…when director Justin Kurzel decides to frame it well. On top of erratic editing, the film utilizes quick cuts to questionably conceal the fights. I have no idea why, as the stunt-work seemed impeccable. Why hide it? This is what audiences are paying to see, after all. It’s the best thing this film’s got going for it and it’s the victim of chintzy editing.
When the fights do get their time to shine, the film is entertaining. The set design for Spain is lavish and intoxicating! In contrast, Abstergo headquarters is ugly and dreary, one of few good stylistic flourishes. The concept as a whole is engaging enough to never lose the viewer’s attention, but its murky execution challenges that. Exposition and explanations are lost within the booming soundtrack, a loud and obnoxious score conducted specifically to give the surround a workout. My ears are still ringing.
Callum Lynch (Michael Fassbender) tries to make sense of his incredible experiences. Photo Credit: Courtesy Twentieth Century Fox.
“Assassin’s Creed” is a lousy adaptation of the popular game, but not a miserable one. Most of it is boring, but there are fleeting moments of inspiration. Maybe it would’ve been better had a five-year-old boy wrote it. As for the chimpanzee, he’d be more sophisticated with the editing software.
Final Rating: C-