WILL DOOM CONQUER THE FANTASTIC FOUR? WILL THEY SURVIVE THE ONSLAUGHT OF THE ROTTEN TOMATOES? WILL MILES TELLER FIRE HIS AGENT?
The only way to find out is to read on True Believers! The latest Fantastic Four is out this very week, and it’s possible that in addition to having to explain to the people going with you that these are Marvel characters but no, this isn’t a Marvel movie on the way in, you might also have to explain why you dragged them to something so rubbish on the way out.
Critics were not shown the film until last night and keeping critics from seeing a film that late is usually a red flag. But the actual stars of the film hadn’t seen the finished product yet either before the premiere, which as red flags go is like one of those really big flags you see hundreds of fans holding above themselves in stadiums. Miles Teller, with a customary eagerness to know how his blockbuster stories are going , was asked by BBC’s Newsbeat if the cast were ready to prove critics wrong, only to tell them “we haven’t seen the film either”
“Rarely are films of this size critically well received,” he said. “This is not a movie we’re going to go on Rotten Tomatoes and it’s going to be at 80 or 90 per cent.”, which is…is that even damning with faint praise? They should put that on the poster.
Fantastic Four is out now, has poor early reviews and is directed by Josh Trank, the guy who definitely wasn’t fired from directing a Star Wars spin-off because of this movie.
CLAIRE REDFIELD TO RETURN IN LATEST CHAPTER OF EXPENSIVE FANFICTION
Everybody knows that the Resident Evil movies are terrible, but they’re also kind of sweet. Paul WS Anderson is just that enamoured of his wife Milla Jovovich that he just keeps coming up with Resident Evil movies for her to be a cool badass in, the latest of which is the upcoming Resident Evil: The Final Chapter. The lack of quality almost part of the charm, since at this point Resident Evil movies are like dopey husband Paul bringing his wife breakfast in bed.
Joining the slightly burnt toast and eggs-that-aren’t-how-she-actually-likes-them-but-at-least-he’s-trying is Ali Larter, who according Deadline is returning as Claire Redfield for the latest film. And yes, it is impressive that these movies manage to make characters like Claire Redfield even more two-dimensional than the hackneyed writing of the actual games, but hey, good for Ali Larter. She’s got bills to pay just like the rest of us and is no doubt happy to get Paul out of the doghouse for forgetting his and Milla’s anniversary (probably). The film starts shooting in South Africa this September, and you can look forward to seeing Larter standing off to the side while Milla Jovovich does something really rad soon.
COMPREHENDING HOW MUCH MONEY DISNEY HAS IS A DESCENT INTO MADNESS
Disney own Marvel. They own Star Wars. Disney have Pixar and Frozen. They’ve got those surprisingly lucrative live action remakes of their animated back catalogue. If it’s from the last few years and its a pop culture juggernaut, odds are pretty high Disney own it, or are planning on owning it. Disney has so much money you guys.
Disney had their quarterly report last Tuesday and the results are up on Variety and impossible to comprehend. As a result of owning literally all of the most popular things in the world, Disney’s revenue pushed upward to $13.10 billion, beating last year’s figure of $12.47 billion by 5% and exceeding their own expectations for the 11th quarter in a row. And with Star Wars Episode VII out this December, that streak is probably going to continue. If things continue as they are, expect Disney to purchase the Minions some time in 2017, and then to turn their attention to building robots with Artificial Intelligence, robots that want to buy things, robots that only want to buy things, rendering us, the consumers, obsolete. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!