Sex, Swerves, and Stunners: Armageddon (Part 2)

Armageddon Part 2

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– We get a hype video for the upcoming rematch between Chris Jericho and Chyna for the IC title. The main focus is highlights from their Survivor Series match. Not much else to say about it other than it’s fine. These two had a real good match last month so here’s to hoping they can pull it off again.

Match #7

WWF Intercontinental Championship

Chris Jericho vs. Chyna (w/ Miss Kitty) ©

– Because he’s soft like Charmin Ultra, Jericho attacks Chyna from behind to start the match. The Ninth Wonder of the World quickly gains the upper hand though as she stomps away at the challenger in the corner. The action soon spills to the outside as Chyna does a Clothesline onto Jericho.

– Eventually, Jericho ends up Suplexing Chyna boob-first on the announce table. Apparently going “screw the rules, I’m Y2J, he tries to whack the champ with a chair in plain view of the ref but Chyna narrowly avoids the shot. After a brief distraction from Miss Kitty, he tries to go after Chyna again but gets the chair kicked into his face via a Dropkick. A loud “Chyna!” chant gets started but is quickly stopped by Jericho throwing her into the steps.

– After kissing Miss Kitty again (ew, cooties), Jericho tries to do a dive onto Chyna in the ring but ends up getting low blowed just as Kitty distracts the ref. Chyna hits her awful Cartwheel Elbow in the corner before planting Jericho with a DDT.

– The champ’s momentum is stopped dead as she ends up tied up in the ropes after taking a Spin Wheel Kick. Jericho, being the dastardly heel he is, decides to take advantage of it by working over Chyna’s thumb. Jericho broke Chyna’s thumb in the build to this match so I guess that’s gonna be the main focal point of this match. “I’ve never said that before. A Drop-Kick to the thumb!”- JR.

– Chyna gets a nearfall after countering a Powerbomb with a Hurricarana but Jericho soon starts getting the heat on the champ. The challenger rips off the padding on one of the turnbuckles before going back to beating on Chyna. She makes brief comebacks here and there but Jericho cuts her off every time. After some hip gyrating (Val Venis ain’t the only one that can say hello to the ladies), Jericho goes for a Lionsault but only hits knees as Chyna counters!

– After almost screwing up a Catapult (not joking), Chyna goes for her bae’s move, the Pedigree, but Jericho counters with a Backslide Pin. 1-2-NO! Jericho tries to follow up on his momentum with a Back Suplex off the top but Chyna counters it into a Crossbody for another nearfall. They wrestle for another 30 seconds or so before Jericho locks in the Walls of Jericho! Chyna managed to crawl to the ropes during their last match, can she do the same here? Just like last month, the crowd cheers Jericho on as he yanks the champ back to the middle of the ring when she’s almost got the ropes. The Ninth Wonder of the World fights with all she has but in the end, she has to tap out awarding Jericho the clean victory! NEW CHAMPION, BABY!!!!

– Another good match. Not as good as last month but I still liked this one. The clean victory caught me off-guard considering how strongly Chyna has been booked. Looking back on it though, the thumb really didn’t play much of a factor.

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– It’s post-victory promo time for the new Intercontinental Champion as he’s backstage with Michael Cole. Calling Cole “Mitchell”, Jericho says that the IC title is gonna be elevated back to the level where it should be thanks to him holding it. Suddenly, a wild Chyna appears as she tells Jericho that while she was the better wrestler last month, Y2J was clearly the better wrestler this month. She extends her hand and Jericho, still unbelieving that Chyna is sincere and challenging her to a fight all the way, cautiously shakes it. Good angle. LOL, the announcers are BAFFLED that someone showed good sportsmanship in the WWF.

Match #8

WWF Tag Team Championship

The Rock N’ Sock Connection vs. The New Age Outlaws(c)

– The Rock probably gets the biggest reaction of the night so far as the crowd absolutely loses it for the Great One. Road Dogg doesn’t even bother with a Rah-Rah promo this time around as him and Mankind are chosen to start the match. They lock up for a bit before Foley gains the upper hand, slapping on a sleeper hold on the tag champ. Mr. Ass gets tagged in and he dicks around with Foley for a couple of seconds before Rock gets tagged in for a big pop. Uh-oh, the last time these two were in the ring together on a PPV, Mr. Ass ended up with a faceful of buttcrack. Hopefully, things work out better for him this time around.

– Both men stare each other down, the Rock milking the crowd’s chants for all they are worth, before Rocky strikes first, laying into Mr. Ass with punches as he tries to pull his shirt over his head. Mankind soon gets tagged back in and is quickly put on the backfoot by the Outlaws before catching Road Dogg with the Mandible Claw outta nowhere! Gunn quickly breaks it up as the match breaks down and all four men are brawling at ringside.

– Rocky starts layin’ the Smackdown on Mr. Candy Ass before the action goes back into the ring where the Outlaws cut the ring in half and isolate Rocky from his partner. Billy Gunn randomly hits a Diamond Cutter (a shitty one at that) because he felt like it, I guess. In typical tag match fashion, the heels work Rocky over, double-teaming him at every possible chance. Finally, after getting beat on for a long while, the Rock finally manages to snap off a DDT before tagging in Mankind!

– Foley is a House En Fuego as he hits both Outlaws with Running Knee Strikes in the corner. He tries to hit Road Dogg with his signature punch combo but ends up nailing the ref instead, causing him to take a bump. Mankind gets a visual pin on the champ after a vicious Piledriver but duh, no ref.

– As Rock and Gunn are brawling on the outside, Mankind calls for Mr. Socko after planting Dogg with a Double Arm DDT. Wait, here comes…Al Snow? Looks like he’s salty about Foley choosing the Rock as his partner instead of him so he nails Mankind with Head. Nobody in the crowd cared, lol. Dogg drapes an arm over Mankind for a pin just as the ref recovers but Rocky saves the day by pulling the ref out before three.

– The Rock must have went to the future, heard Snow’s commentary on TNA Impact, and knew he had to check this Jabroni into the Smackdown Hotel as he runs up the ramp and starts beating on Snow who was just…hanging around, I guess. Back in the ring, Mankind gets blasted in the head with the ring bell by the Outlaws allowing Dogg to  cover him for one, two, thr-WHAT!? How did Foley kick out of that!? Must be all that testicular fortitude.

– The Rock takes a break from whooping Snow’s ass to hop on the apron just as Foley kicks out of a Piledriver from Gunn. The champs are very frustrated by this point and try to go for the Spike Piledriver that beat Foley last month. Foley counters it, however, and soon crawls over to make the hot tag to the Rock! The Great One blasts both champs with punches before hitting a Samoan Drop on Mr. Ass. A Spinebuster on Road Dogg soon follows before Gunn joins his partner on the canvas thanks to a Rock Bottom! Rock goes for the cover but here comes bitch-ass Al Snow to run in for the DQ! BOOOOOOO!!! (AJ)

– After the match, Foley brawls with his former partner Snow on the outside as Rocky hits a Rock Bottom on Road Dogg. Snow slides in the ring for his obligatory Rock Bottom before getting hit with the Most Electrifying Move in Sports Entertainment, the People’s Elbow. Even though they didn’t win the tag titles, the babyfaces celebrate after clearing the ring as the Rock’s theme music plays. Even with the DQ finish, great match. After the mess that was last month’s tag title match, this was a breath of fresh air. It told a good, simple story and that’s really all you need sometimes.

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Match #9

WWF Championship

The Big Show vs. The Big Bossman (w/ Prince Albert)

– Basically, the story here is that Bossman is the most evil son of a bitch ever and has been mocking Show’s dead dad, even going as far to get his mom to admit that Show is “a nasty bastard.” Also, Bossman beat The Rock to get this shot. Granted, it was due to interference from Prince Albert but still. I think most people remember the infamous angle where Bossman drove away with the casket of Show’s father while Show was on it but you don’t hear many people talking about the angle where Bossman and Albert apparently used tear gas on Show. Pro-wrestling goofiness at it’s finest.

– Before the match, Bossman cuts a promo mocking Show for not knowing who his dad but says that he will be his daddy once he wins the WWF World title. Filled with rage that only a nasty bastard can have, Show runs wild on Bossman to start the match. After a big Biel Toss from Show, Albert attacks Show right in front of the ref. Of course it’s not a DQ. Show goes “lol” and quickly murks Albert with a Chokeslam through the Spanish Announce Table. This gives Bossman the chance to nail Show in the head with the steel steps. LMAO, how is that not a DQ!? You can’t get more blatant with weapon use than just straight up smashing a guy’s head in with the steel steps.

– Show basically no-sells it before getting sent face-first into the ring post. Show appears to be out this time giving Bossman the problem of having to lift all this dead weight in the ring so he can win the title. He struggles and struggles before finally tossing him into the ring. He goes for a cover but Show powers out! Show does a Kip-Up (don’t expect me to call him a ‘Sexy Boy’ any time soon) before hitting a Chokeslam. That’s enough to put this one to bed.

– Match was fine, just super short. Although, it’s probably for the best that they kept it this short.

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Match #10

No Holds Barred

HHH vs. Vince McMahon

– Basically, as revenge for Vince essentially costing him the title at Survivor Series, HHH and the rest of DX have targeted Vince’s family including, you guessed it, drugging Stephanie and marrying her. The hype video makes this seem like some Jay-Z/Nas-level beef. Also, Shane took an INSANE bump off the stage on the go-home Smackdown.

– The stips here are that if Vince wins, the marriage between Steph and HHH gets annulled. If HHH wins, he gets his rematch for the WWF title.

– Stephanie is sitting at ringside for this one. HHH doesn’t even try to be subtle and brings his signature Sledgehammer out with him. Might as well, why would you not bring it with you in this kind of match? Ahaha, I just realized, HHH is wearing a wedding ring. That’s a great little touch. In order to let Vince get in the ring, HHH agrees to drop the Sledgehammer…until Vince is entering the ring when he grabs his hammer and tries to get in the first shot. Vince is ready with some pocket sand, however, and blinds the Game as the ref calls for the bell to start the match.

– Vince starts hammering away on the Game, beating him like he owes Steph child support payments. His strikes are pretty  bad but oh well. After taking HHH down with some bitch slaps, Vince does his best to ruin any future grandchildren by low-blowing his opponent. The CEO remains in control as the action spills to the outside and over the barricade. JUST LIKE EVERY PPV MAIN EVENT THIS YEAR. Seriously, I think every single 99’ PPV main event had crowd brawling.

– Anyway, it looks like the effects of the pocket sand have worn off as HHH takes control of the brawl and beats the crap of the billionaire in front of cheering children. Awesome. A Backdrop from Vince takes the match back to ringside where Vince…is that Mick Foley with a shopping cart full of weapons? Sure enough, like a hardcore ghetto Santa, an unmasked Mankind comes out with some weapons for Vinnie Mac to use.

– Vince grabs a trash-can lid and quickly puts it to good use, smashing it over the Game’s head. Steph appears to be getting off (I know, I know, phrasing) to the ass-whooping that her husband is taking. Remember how she was borderline-orgasmic when HHH was beating the crap out of Daniel Bryan last year? Maybe she just likes violence…

– HHH ends up right in front of Steph after getting sent over the barricade again before getting choked out with a crutch by OG Vince. “Choke him!”, screams Steph. I’m so not used to her voice sounding..sweet and innocent and not raspy. HHH manages to low-blow Vince with the crutch, however, before sending his father-in-law into the shopping cart Foley brought out.

– After HHH smashes his chain-wrapped fist into his skull a few times, Vince gets sent crashing into parts of the set on the stage before HHH gets in another low-blow. HHH literally sandbags Vince by hitting him with a sandbag before ramming the shopping cart into his head. More weapon spots as Vince comes fighting back with some garbage can shots. You know, the idea that a 53 year old man can fight a much younger man that is in his physical peak is absurd but the way they are doing this match makes it somewhat believable. By wrestling logic, anyway.

– Lots of give and take brawling as both men fight their way0 backstage. After HHH slams Vince onto the hood of a pickup truck, he disappears. Vince staggers to his feet wondering where his opponent went. Even the ref has no idea so Vince walks out into the parking lot to go find some ass to beat. Well, this doesn’t seem suspicious at all considering someone got ran over at the last PPV. After searching for a minute, a car tries to run over Vince but he thankfully has the presence of mind to move out of the way!

– Since murder didn’t work, HHH decides he’s just gonna have to win this professional wrestling match as he rains down punches on Vince. He drags the CEO on top of what looks like the predecessor to JBL’s white limo before slamming him down on it. The always respectful WWF fanbase pours down popcorn and stuff on the competitors as they make their way back into the arena. After getting beat on for what feels like ages, Vince gets his hands on a steel pipe, causing HHH to flee in terror and climb up some sort of scaffolding on the stage. The Genetic Jackhammer drops his pipe and gives chase but ends up being sent off the scaffolding thanks to some punches from HHH in a bump very similar to the one he took at St. Valentine’s Day Massacre. This one wasn’t as dangerous though. Still crazy that a rich old man would take a bump like that.

– Steph shows concern for her daddy who is busted wide open after that last bump. HHH whacks him with…something before grabbing a mic and asking Steph “how does it feel, baby?” He asks her how it feels to see her daddy get his ass kicked in front of the world before letting her know that she doesn’t have to worry about calling somebody daddy because “daddy is standing right here in front of ya.” What a heel. Upon seeing Vince, a bloody mess by this point, walking towards him like a zombie, he goes back to work on the old man. Like the biggest asshole villain you’ve ever seen, HHH drags Vince over Steph and tells her to tell her daddy that she loves him one last time before he kills him. I love that kind of stuff.

– HHH has the opportunity to finish Vince off with a pipe but decides that he wants to do it in style and grabs Sledgie. Just when it seems like all is lost, a quick kick to the nuts of HHH from Vince saves him as he grabs the pipe left in the ring and gets in a couple of shots on Hunter. Now that he’s got HHH on the backfoot, Vince grabs the sledgehammer and threatens to finish off HHH but suddenly, Steph hits the ring. Just like always, she wants to take credit for her dad’s work as she begs her father to let her finish off HHH. The crowd is cheering in anticipation as Steph…seemingly has a change of heart? Either way, it costs Vince big time as the hesitation gives HHH the chance to snatch Sledgie from her and hit her old man with it! After one final Sledgie shot to the head, HHH places a single foot on Vince’s chest and picks up the win! You are just the worst, Steph.

– After the match, Steph checks on her wounded father as HHH teases hitting her with the Sledgehammer. She turns around and faces the man that just left her father a beaten and bloodied mess with…a smile? *GASP* You mean…it was all a ruse?! They were in on it together this entire time! HHH and Steph hug and share a sloppy kiss while standing Vince’s fallen body. Steph went from sitting in Vince’s lap to letting him get hit with a Sledgehammer just so she can sit on HHH’s lap. Tragic.

– It may have went too long but all things considered, that was pretty damn good. Both guys brought the hate and the match was put together in a very smart way to work around all of Vince’s limitations. Even knowing fully well what the big twist at the end was, I was still impressed with how well done it was. This whole thing gets two thumbs up.

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And with that, we have officially reached the end of our journey. Armageddon has it’s flaws and the first half or so was kinda sucky. The second half, however, was really good. Good enough to where I can call this an outright good show and one of the better PPVs of the year.

Sex, Swerves, & Stunners was a lot of fun but don’t feel sad that it’s over! I plan on doing an overview of the year (a “Best of & Worst of” type of thing) before moving on to my next project which…well, you’ll see. Thanks to all of you for reading and following along!

Match of the Night: Rock N’ Sock Connection vs. The New Age Outlaws (WWF Tag Team Championship)

Worst Match of the Night: That stupid Evening Gown Match (WWF Women’s Championship)

Match Rankings for Entire Year