Armageddon
December 12th, 1999
LIVE from the National Car Rental Center in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida
Attendance: 17,054
What a wild ride this year has been. From the great stuff to the horrible stuff to the stuff that’s just plain mediocre, the 1999 PPV’s have been fascinating to watch for someone who’s never seen them before. I hope my readers have enjoyed taking the ride with me. Alas, every great adventure must end and with that, we come to the last PPV of the year, Armageddon. This was actually the first Armageddon PPV and was headlined by HHH taking on Vince McMahon in a No Holds Barred match. In addition to that, Big Show defends both the WWF Championship and his dead father’s honor against the Big Bossman. For the last time, let’s take it back to 99 motherfuckers.
– The month’s hype video focuses on HHH and Vince’s feud. Not much else to say about it other than it’s really well done.
Match #1
16 Man Battle Royal for #1 Contendership to WWF Tag Team Championships
Participants: The Dudleys, Christian and Edge, The Headbangers, The Hardys, The Mean Street Posse, The Acolytes, Too Cool, and Mark Henry & The Godfather
– Before the match, Bubba cuts a promo saying that tonight, everyone will learn the number one commandment. “Thou shalt not mess with the Duh-duh-duh-duh-Dudleys!” This gimmick still sucks.
– Bubba tries to talk some trash about E&C because they had attacked them in the build to this show but the two blonds hit the ring and begin brawling with the former ECW stars. The Dudleys quickly bail from the ring (through the middle rope so no elimination) as refs break up the fight and force both teams to settle down.
– The Hardys are more over on this show than I think they’ve been on any other PPV this year. Not surprising, they have been working their asses off on these shows. The Acolytes also get a good reaction. I think they were transitioning into the APA gimmick around this time. In less than a month’s time, Too Cool seems to be a fairly popular act after coming out to silence at Survivor Series. Amazing moment where the camera focuses on the Acolytes, who are like “WTF?” at these two goofballs.
– The Godfather may have received the biggest pop out of all the competitors as he came out with his precious hoes, including his main hoe Mark Henry. Not a big fan of these particular hoes but whatever. It’s a total flustercluck as everyone is just hitting the person closest to them. What in the world are the Headbangers wearing? One of them (can’t tell which one) and Edge begin brawling on the outside after going through the ropes. Meanwhile, one of the Mean Street Posse geeks get eliminated. While the refs are busy dealing with the fight on the other side of the ring, the third Posse member (Joey Abs, if you care) runs down to replace him as the one that got eliminated goes under the ring. That’s actually kind of a clever spot but at the same time, what if he actually makes it to the final four or something? Wouldn’t he be kicked out as soon as the refs realize “hey, this dude isn’t supposed in here” when the ring isn’t full of bodies? Thinking too hard, I know.
– Abs quickly gets eliminated by Edge (talk about being soft like Charmin Ultra) and is replaced by the Posse geek that got eliminated before. It’s Posse Magic! And wow, that last sentence was two letters away from being really dirty. Turns out all of that was…wait for it…totally useless! The Posse ends up being the first team eliminated.
– Mosh is the next man eliminated meaning that the Headbangers are out. Not long after that, Sexual Chocolate is eliminated. Godfather is gone as well by association. Some dicking around ensues before Christian and Scotty 2 Hotty end up fighting on the apron. They trade blows for a bit before Christian ends up low-bridging an incoming Sexay out of the ring while Edge simultaneously knocks Scotty off the apron. Good elimination. There are only four teams left now as the action slows down. E&C do battle with the Dudleys in one corner in the ring while the Hardys fight their old rivals the Acolytes in another corner. Eventually, Edge ends up getting eliminated after being yanked off the apron by D-Von, who had tumbled out of the ring through the ropes.
– After Bubba points to his head in the universal sign for “I’m dumb as shit but I want you to think I’m smart”, the two heel teams end up isolating the Hardys with each man getting double-teamed. Bubba hits a whacky looking Fisherman Suplex before Bradshaw randomly starts brawling with D-Von. He’s not a racist guys, his best friend is black. Either way, he pays for it by taking a Diving Headbutt to the nutus sackus from the Dudleys. After murking Jeff with a Reverse 3D, D-Von takes some time to flex for the gram as Matt sneaks up behind him and eliminates him!
– It’s down to the Hardys and the Acolytes as Jeff knows he can get all his shit in now as he hits a Springboard Moonsault to a big pop. While Jeff’s choking Farooq with his shirt, Matt and Bradshaw end up eliminating each other meaning that neither team can actually be eliminated. Bradshaw don’t care about none of that as he just goes back in the ring anyway so him and Farooq can double team Jeff. The remaining Hardy actually manages to eliminate Farooq but the ref was distracted leaving the dastardly heel free to just hop back in the ring. Matt comes back in to help his brother as the Hardys actually connect with Poetry in Motion! I’ve seen that like one other time this year, lol.
– Bradshaw ends up on the apron before taking a Dropkick off the top from Jeff. Surprisingly, the tough Texan manages to hang on to the ropes and not allow his feet to touch the floor. Jeff gets killed by a Spinebuster before Matt gets sent over the top rope. He somehow manages to hang onto the ropes before Jeff ends up getting tossed out of the ring after trying to attack Farooq, giving the Acolytes the win!. Just like always, Jeff screws it up for his brother.
– I usually don’t like battle royals but I enjoyed this one. It was short but sweet. Fun opener to get the show started.
– Backstage with Lilian Garcia, Kurt Angle cuts a promo. Despite the fact that him and Steve Blackman lost a match on Smackdown, he insists that he’s still undefeated since Blackman was the one that got pinned. Decent, goofball heel promo.
Match #2
Kurt Angle vs. Steve “Hater of the” Blackman
– Angle is in full on smarmy douchebag mode as he shakes the hands of fans as he comes down to the ring. Angle tries to cut a promo in the ring about his 3 I’s but Steve is like “nah, I’m straight brah” and runs down to the ring to start the match! Blackman is in control early on before missing a headbutt off the top rope. Angle’s strikes are still horrible as he works over Blackman. We get a foreshadowing of washed up King Angle in TNA as he misses a Moonsault, allowing the martial arts expert to lock Kurt in a Modified Bow & Arrow submission.
– After some dicking around, Kurt connects with a DDT on Black man. The fans chant “boring” (in their defense, this match is pretty boring) as Kurt almost gets pinned off a Sunset Flip. Steve gets some boring offense in. I’m sorry guys, there’s really not much to talk about here. I’m just as bored as you are right now.
– Mercifully, the match is over quickly as Angle wins with a Bridging German Suplex. Well, that finish came outta nowhere. Pissed off at getting pinned clean like a complete geek, Stevie murks Angle with his nunchucks after the match to the biggest pop of the match. What a douche Blackman is, lol. Dookie match, about the same quality as Kurt’s match last month. A disjointed mess with no flow or direction. Just like a Kurt Angle match in 2015.
– Backstage, breasts! No really, we see a silhouette of a presumably hot chick changing. Her name is B.B. I had no idea who that was so I just wiki’ed her and saw that, in storyline, she was an EMT that was attacked by Ivory so she just became a wrestler. So basically, Generic Blonde with Big Boobs #57. Anyway, Cole comes to interview her but cuts it short once he sees how hot she looks, presumably to give himself the Five Knuckle Shuffle.
Match #3
WWF Women’s Championship
Special Refs: Mae Young and Fabulous Moolah (because why not?)
Four Corners Evening Gown Pool Match
Miss Kitty vs. Jacqueline vs. B.B. vs. Ivory
– The last woman to still have her gown on wins the match. Miss Kitty gets the biggest reaction but Ivory, surprisingly, gets a decent reaction as well. Once all four women are in the pool, we get some horrible action as feminism gets set back by 30 years. B.B. and Miss Kitty are literally just splashing each other with water. A “Let’s Go Puppies!” chant gets started and I can think of few moments where I’ve felt more embarrassed to be a wrestling fan than right now as I’m watching this.
– Turns out the pool is segregated as all the white girls gang up on the one black girl and take off Jacqueline’s gown. Miss Kitty has no idea what she’s supposed to be doing as B.B. and Ivory grapple with each other. Ivory shows why she’s a savage by trying to drown the busty blonde. Kitty seemingly realizes “hey, I should probably be doing something right now” and tries to help Ivory drown their opponent. For some reason, B.B. is still able to just push her head above the water despite having two full grown women pushing her down. JR implies that B.B.’s tits can be used as a floating device just as she gets her gown yanked off. It’s down to Ivory and Miss Kitty. …Yay?
– Ivory isn’t satisfied with just taking B.B’s gown off and tries to take her bra off (making her to the biggest babyface on the show to every hetro man in the crowd). The thirst is real for Lawler as he cheers Ivory on but unfortunately, like an awkward high school kid getting to second base for the first time, she struggles with unhooking the bra. JR says that the reason why it’s taking so long is because B.B.’s tits are so big, the bra has extra latches just to support them. That’s not what he actually said but he might as well have. You can tell he’s having fun commentating on this absurd match.
– Taking advantage of the distracted champ, Miss Kitty drags Ivory back in the pool and begins choking her with B.B.’s a gown. There’s actually a false finish in this match as Kitty teases taking off Ivory’s gown but the champ manages to stop her before she can finish. Seconds later, Kitty just takes off her gown anyway, lol. New Champion but who could possibly care?
– We get a post-victory promo from the new champ where she says she knows the crowd just wants to see her naked. She’s totally down with that but lets the fans know in a disappointed tone, “they made me wear underwear!” She parades around in the pool in her underwear before yanking her bra off. Of course, this gets the biggest pop of the night before Sgt. Slaughter comes in with a towel to cover up the champ’s private parts. Then, Mae Young takes her clothes off for some reason before she’s also covered up and taken to the back.
Wait, why is everybody x’ing out of the article now?
– Negative star match. Seriously, I can think of two matches (Goldust/Bluedust & Sable/Tori) on PPV this year that were worse than this “match.” In a way, it was the perfect match to do on the last PPV of the year because it perfectly sums up what the women’s division was about during this year. Puppies! It’s kinda amazing just how blatant and unashamed they are about it.
– Backstage, looking softer than a bowl of melting ice cream, Kevin Kelly is standing by with Rikishi. Swear to god, his first words are “hickory dickery dock. Riskihi finally talks!” He’d only been on TV for a week or two by this point. Kish says he’s fighting for all the fat “healthy” people in the world and plans on beating the Holly Cousins. He also tells his partner Viscera to be ready to put in some work. Not a bad promo.
Match #4
The Holly Cousins vs. Viscera & Rikishi
– I just realized, Crash doesn’t even have his own custom tights. His tights just say “HARDCORE HOLLY” on them. That’s funny. Kishi runs wild on the heels to start off the match as Big Vis stands in the background rubbing his hands together like Birdman. Not joking. Crash stupidly goes for a Sunset Flip on Kish but ends up getting sat on for a nearfall. Kish tries to go for the Bonzai Drop but Hardcore gets in a cheap shot from the apron to stop him.
– Hardcore gets tagged in but doesn’t do much better against the Samoan than his cousin did. Kishi tries to tag out to his partner but Big Vis just mean mugs him. He’s forced to come in anyway when Kish slaps him on the chest and quickly plants Hardcore with a Samoan Drop. Crash comes in illegally but Vis is just like “lol.”
– Vis tries to do a splash on both Hollys but only hits canvas before the cousins put the boots to him. Like a dumbass, Crash soon goes for another Sunset Flip. It fails, of course, but Hardcore tries to save the move by knocking Viscera down. He ends up eating a Backdrop before a wounded Vis makes the tag to Kishi. It’s one of my favorite things in wrestling, “the ice-cold tag”, as the crowd really don’t care about the face running wild on the heels.
– The trademark Samoan head comes into play as Rikish no-sells a DDT. The finish is really dumb as Vis accidentally nails Rikishi with a Spin Kick and just sits there like the biggest goober in the world as his partner is pinned in front of him. Match was fine but the finish takes it down a notch.
– After the match, Kishi gets uppity with his partner for just letting him get pinned. They end up brawling with each other before refs rush in to break it up. Alrighty then.
– The Big Valbowski, Val Venis, is standing by with Lilian Garcia backstage. He basically says that he’s gonna win the European Championship so he has an excuse to go on a boning spree in Europe. He then seduces Lilian by spouting off some Spanish before Lilian takes his arm and they walk off, presumably for some pre-match humping. The Big Valbowski always has time for a quickie!
Match #5
European Championship
Triple Threat Match
D-Lo Brown vs. Val Venis vs. The British Bulldog(c)
– Bulldog initially comes out with the Mean Street Posse but they immediately get sent to the back by ref Teddy Long. Lots o’ brawling to start off as Venis and Bulldog soon find their way to the outside. D-Lo is like, “time for high spots!” so he does a Plancha onto both men. I’m sure Vince was thinking “Excellent move, Mark” while watching the match on a monitor backstage.
– Stuff happens before Venis ends up getting sent into the steps by Bulldog. D-Lo decides to work together with Bulldog to try to take out Val before SWERVE! D-Lo turns on Bulldog and tells him that he sucks. The Brown Man tries to go for a Springboard DDT on Venis but ends up slipping and botching the move. #Struggle
– After another botched spot (this time, Bulldog screws up taking a Double Hip Toss), the faces redeem themselves with a Stalling Double Suplex to the champ. Creative spot where the face agrees to splash onto Bulldog but D-Lo waits a second after Venis attacks so he can drop an Elbow on Val. The fans rally behind Brown as he trades blows (not the ‘job” kind though) with the porn star. Soon, D-Lo gets nutted on the turnbuckle but takes a page out of the Human Tornado’s book to no-sell testicular trauma and hit a Sunset Flip Powerbomb! That could be it but Bulldog pulls the ref out of the ring! I did laugh at Davey Boy claiming that a fan had pulled the ref out. Like I’ve said before in this series, he’s not a bad worker necessarily. He’s just out of place.
– It’s D-Lo’s turn to get double-teamed as he gets WAY up there for a Double Back Body Drop. Venis and Davey Boy fight for a bit before the porn star gets planted with a Running Powerslam. The champ makes the cover but D-Lo stops it by placing Venis’ foot on the ropes. Bulldog tries to get uppity with the ref but soon ends up eating a (sloppy) Sky High Powerbomb. It might be time for the Lo-Down! The Frog Splash (which looks pretty bad because Bulldog is too close to the corner) connects but Venis breaks up the pin by crashing down onto D-Lo with the Money Shot! Three seconds later, we got a new champion!
– Really sloppy match. Not horrible but it wasn’t really any good.
– Backstage, “Casual Turtleneck” Michael Cole is standing by with X-Pac, talking about his upcoming Steel Cage match with Kane. Basically, in exchange for accepting this cage match, X-Pac has added the stip that Kane can only win via pinfall. He also tells Tori to stop calling his hotel room asking for the D. It was a bad promo but oh well.
About to roll up to the club like…
Match #6
Steel Cage Match (Kane Can Only Win Via Pinfall)
X-Pac vs. Kane (w/Tori)
– Pac is the second man and tries to mack on Tori, causing Kane to climb over the cage to save his bae. They brawl on the outside (match hasn’t started yet) which leads to Pac nailing Kane in the head with the ring bell. When he goes to crotch chop, Kane just goes “lol” and sits back up. Terrified of The Big Red Machine, the degenerate climbs into the cage for the first time. Kane follows him in and this match is officially underway!
– Kane no sells some shots before taking control of the match, muscling around his much smaller opponent. Pac turns the tide, however, by sending Kane face first into the steel and catching him with a Spinning Heel Kick. Pac tries to escape but gets stopped by Kane. They battle on the ropes for a bit before Kane ends up getting crotched. Like a goddamn idiot, X-Pac decides to jump down and beat on Kane instead of just escaping.
– After a Leg Drop off the top earns Pac a nearfall, The degenerate takes one too many risks and ends up getting goozled on an attempt to dive off the top rope. Kane starts making a comeback and sends Pac into the cage a couple of times before catching him with a Big Boot. Hogan is sitting on the couch at home saying, “Drop the leg, brother!” Unfortunately, the Hulkster is denied as the New Age Outlaws run out with bolt cutters. Kane tries to stop them but only gets the cage door slammed in his face as the Outlaws break the lock and slid a chair into the ring.
– Pac ends up hitting the X-Factor on the chair before handcuffing Kane to the ring ropes. Pac could easily escape now but he has a much more dastardly plan as he picks up the chair and whacks Kane with it a couple of times. Not nearly as bad as Rock/Foley at the Rumble but these aren’t wimpy shots either. With Kane down and helpless, Pac tries to climb out the cage again but gets stopped by Tori, who got in through the door. That damn degenerate just spits in Tori’s face and hits the X-Factor!
– Pac tries to get in one last swing on Kane with the chair but he ends up tasting the chair due to his opponent kicking it into his face. Having caught enough L’s for one match, Pac decides to just climb out again but Kane manages to break the handcuffs! He heads out of the cage (remember, he can’t win via escape) and catches Pac before he hits the floor, carrying him all the way back to the door before throwing him back in. Creative spot to make the stips actually mean something.
– Once they are both back in the ring, just like almost every major cage match in WWE over the past two decades, Kane decides he must do a dive off the top of the cage. Since he doesn’t want to bite off Kurt Angle, he just does the Kane Clothesline. Immediately after hitting it, he scoops Pac up and hits the Tombstone Piledriver for the win! The crowd loves it.
– Good match. It was a bit short but the action was good and the storytelling made sense. Easily the best on this show so far. Plus, pretty impressive for a 7-footer like Kane to jump off the cage. After the match, Kane celebrates with his main squeeze as they head up the ramp.