Sex, Swerves, and Stunners: No Mercy (Part 2~!)

No Mercy (Part 2)

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– Recap of Heat plays where Lawler is perving on Terri Runnels by getting her to climb up a ladder so he can look up her skirt. Talk about no chill button.

Match #6

Ladder Match

The Hardy Boyz (w/ Gangrel) vs. Edge & Christian

– This is the final match of the Terri Invitational Tournament. Get it? TIT? Dur hurr. The winners of this match get $100,000 and the managerial services of Terri. Fun fact: this is the first tag team ladder match in company history.

– The Hardys are still technically the New Brood at this point. Both teams have a staredown to start off the match. After getting shoved, E&C cause the Hardys to bounce off the ropes and mistime what I’m guessing was supposed to be simultaneous Back Body Drops. Jeff took one but Matt just got Hip Tossed instead. Some dicking around takes place in the ring before The Hardys take control and tell Gangrel to bring a ladder into the ring. Wait. The ref ain’t having that mess as he sends Gangrel to the back! Good because it would have made zero sense for Gangrel to be out there and not interfering the entire time.

– Meanwhile, Jeff takes a ridiculous bump out the ring (so lucky he didn’t blow out his ankles right there). Jeff tries to grab a ladder while he’s on the outside but Edge catches him with a dropkick off the apron. Matt and Christian also do dives to the outside because why not? The future Captain Charisma sets up a ladder in the ring and tries to climb but gets cut off by Jeff. Apparently, the LSD he took before this match wasn’t enough as Jeff tries to get higher by climbing but Edge stops him. Matt just goes “screw it” and tips the ladder over when Edge tries to climb.

– Christian traps Jeff in the corner by wedging him with the ladder before running up the ladder to do a Dropkick! Cool spot. E&C try to do their own version of Poetry in Motion while Matt is leaning against a ladder in the corner. I guess they didn’t realize that the Hardys almost never hit that move on PPV this year as Matt moves out of the way and Edge crashes into the ladder.

– Jeff takes a Reverse DDT off the ladder from Christian while trying to climb. Lots of MOVES~! are happening so please forgive me as it’s kinda hard to keep up with everything that’s going on. Matt gets Powerbombed off the ladder by Edge but is quickly avenged by his brother as Jeff Dropkicks Edge off the ladder when the blonde tried to get the money. With Christian down, the Hardys take advantage by double teaming Edge and having Jeff hit a Swanton Bomb while Edge is laying on a ladder!

– The Hardys show E&C how to fucking work by hitting the Poetry in Motion spot that the blondes attempted earlier. After Christian gets murked by having a ladder thrown into his face, Jeff hops over a standing ladder and does a Leg Drop onto Christian. If you’ve seen a Hardy Boyz ladder match before, you know the spot I’m talking about. It looked great nonetheless.The crowd is losing their shit after that one. Matt wants to get his high spot stuff in as well so he does a Moonsault onto a ladder that was placed on top of Christian. One of those dumb spots that would clearly hurt the dude doing the move than the person taking it but whatever.

– Edge rejoins the action by killing Jeff by tossing a ladder at him to knock him off another ladder. With both Hardys selling, Edge tries to get the cash prize but right before he can grab it, Matt knocks him off. Brutal match so far. These guys are killing themselves.

– The Hardys try to hit Edge with a ladder but the blonde ducks under it so his partner can come off the top and hit a Crossbody…onto the ladder? It takes out the Hardys but it hurts him as well. Hell, if Raw was any indication, that fatal shot to the gut should have been the end of Christian.

– E&C cause a ladder to go smashing into Matt’s nuts. What if this was all Edge’s dastardly plan to make sure that Matt won’t be able to satisfy his future girlfriend Lita so she has to come to him? Hmm… Either way, Jeff gets sandwhiched in a ladder and the crowd counts along as they smash it on his face 10 times. Just to ensure that Jeff is fully addicted to painkillers in 3-4 years, Christian splashes down on the trapped Hardy. Dude, Terri’s head game must leave you head over heels for these guys to be fighting this hard for her “services.”

– Two ladders are set up side by side in the ring prompting Edge and Jeff to each climb one. They dick around for a second before Edge hits the Downward Spiral off the ladder! After a Neckbreaker off the ladder takes both Matt and Edge out of the equation, Jeff and Christian slowly climb a ladder, selling all the damage that has been inflicted on them in this battle. A Hip Toss causes both men to go crashing back down to earth and these fans love it, Maggle.

– It looks like E&C are trying to hit a double team Superplex onto some contraption made using two ladders but Matt breaks it up. He and Christian dick around for a bit before Jeff jumps off the top rope onto one of the ladders, causing it to bounce up and smash both Matt and Christian in the face! That was awesome. Everybody is dead for a while before both teams end up climbing two ladders at the same time. They brawl for a bit before all of them die a death as both ladders fall over and all four men take wild bumps. Well, actually that’s not true. Edge and Jeff took relatively safe bumps and just necked themselves on the ring ropes. Christian crotched himself on the ropes which is somewhat risky but not very much so. Matt, on the other hand, clearly want to be in a wheelchair in 15 years and wildly lands on the ropes before tumbling to the outside.

– As all four men play dead, the crowd begs them to get up and continue the awesome match. All four men struggle to climb a ladder as it appears the match is heading towards the finishing stretch. The finish is so great. Matt and Edge are fighting on one ladder while Christan and Jeff fight on another. Matt gets knocked off the ladder but manages to bounce off the ropes and knock over the other ladder. Christian goes crashing down to the mat but Jeff, like Spiderman, jumps onto the ladder that is still standing. He quickly knocks Edge off and yanks down the money, awarding his team the hard fought victory!

– Fantastic match, one of the absolute best on PPV this year. All four guys had a star making performance. They really left it all out in the ring and cared more about having a great match than they did their own well beings. Everyone was on-point here. Watch this show just for this match. It’s that good.

– The Hardys run to the back to celebrate their hard-earned prize money while Edge and Christian get a standing applause in the ring for their efforts. I complain quite a bit about how they cut away from stuff too fast but they actually kept the camera on the ring for a few more seconds here and the entire post-match benefitted greatly from it. It made the great match that just happened seem even more important in hindsight.

– Backstage, The Hardys run up to Terri who is waiting for them with champagne. “TERRI, IT’S ALL ABOUT US AND IT’S ALL ABOUT YOU NOW!”- Matt Hardy. Matt sounds like a guy that’s gonna be fat in like 11 years. Does that make sense? Probably doesn’t but oh well.

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– We get a recap of Sunday Night Heat of Mankind looking for the Rock with a copy of his first book, “Have A Nice Day”, in his hands. He asks the Hollys who direct him down a corridor. Foley informs Hardcore that he’s in the book but Crash “didn’t make the cut.” lol. Foley walks into a bathroom where somebody is taking a dumpski in one of the stalls. Assuming it’s the Rock, Foley wishes him luck in his match and suggests that Rock should wear his half of the tag belts to show unity. He hands the man in the stall a copy of his book before walking out and running into…The Rock? What da hale? Foley is confused about he just gave a copy of his book to. Before The Great One can tell Mankind to shove his book up his poop chute, the best-selling author goes back to get his book. He finds it on the ground but, before he can retrieve it, he’s jumped by Val Venis! The porn star must have been in the stall as he puts the boots to Foley before stealing his book.

– Venis vs. Mankind is next but before it can get started, The Rock (still without his half of the tag titles) comes out. The People’s Champ does his “FINALLY…The Rock has come back to (insert hometown here)!” catchphrase before issuing a challenge to the winner of the main event tonight. He wants the title, daddy! Rock does his ventriloquist act again by getting the entire building to chant “Rocky!” at his command. Just amazing. I’ve never seen anything quite like it.

– After asking the crowd if they smell what he’s cookin (with an extended pause between “is” and “cooking”), Rocky heads to the back. OH NO! HHH sneak attacks him as he’s walking through the curtain with that damn sledgehammer! He swings the weapon down like a hammer and boy, it looks phony. That’s why he stopped swinging it like that, it looks really hokey. Either way, Rock still has to sell it like death as refs run out to try and stop HHH. “Asshole!” chants rain down on HHH as medical staff check on the Rock. What a heel.

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Match #7

Val Venis (w/ “Have A Nice Day” book) vs. Mankind

– When Mankind’s music played, it’s revealed that he’s checking on his buddy The Rock in the back. As Rock writhes in pain on a stretcher, that goober Foley promises to keep his half of the tag titles safe.

– Venis tries to get the jump on Foley to start the match by cutting him off as he is coming down the ramp. Foley has him scouted, however, and fires off some shots of his own. They brawl on the outside for a bit before Venis tries to slam Foley but fails because he’s too much of a fatass. Foley takes advantage of his love handles by dropping Venis face-first on the barricade.

– The match officially starts as both men enter the ring. Lots of give and taking brawling early on. It kinda got lost in the gimmick but Venis is really freaking good. There’s a reason why he hung around until like 2008. He’s pretty unOH MY GOD, HIS TIGHTS ARE TOO SMALL, I CAN SEE HIS BUTT CHEEKS. EW EW EW.

– Mankind drops a leg on Venis’ nuts. If you thought that would be a DQ, lol. We then get, no joke on nothing, the most homosexual thing I’ve ever seen on a wrestling show. Mankind literally reaches his hand into Venis’ tights so he can get “Mr. Rocko”, the sock he gave to Rock during that “This Is Your Life” skit that Venis stole. After a long struggle, Foley slowly pulls the sock of out of The Big Valbowski’s tights. That sock has his ball sweat on it and everything, Mankind. You a nasty motherfucker. If you have to stop and say, “pause”, five times before continuing to read this review, I understand.

– Foley celebrates with the sweaty balls sock but pays the price as Venis gets off a low blow behind the ref’s back. The pornstar goes on the offensive as he works over Foley with stomps and chokes him with his boot. Lawler makes a hilarious joke about Mankind having a small penis as the action spills back out to ringside.

– After some brawling, Foley regains control as he slams Venis face-first onto the seat of an upright chair. Insane spot as Foley gets backdropped onto the upright chair. Only issue was, he was a little off balance so his head ended up smashing onto the black mats. Ouch.

– LMAO. After that devastating suplex, Foley pops right back up like ten seconds later because there are more spots to do. Davey Richards must have loved that spot as a kid. He tries to slap on the Mandible Claw but Venis stops him by slamming the back of his head into the ring post. Again, ouchie.

– Action goes back inside the ring as Venis tries to use a chair. Amazingly, the ref actually does his job by stopping him from using it. Val tries to get uppity about it but has to turn his attention back to Mankind as he gets back to his feet. Venis does a Russian Leg Sweep causing the back of Foley’s head to bounce off the chair on the ground. Instead of calling for the DQ, Ref Teddy Long just politely moves the chair out of the ring and lets the match continue. So stupid.

– Good psychology here as Venis continues to work over the back of Foley’s head with elbows. Mankind tries to hit the Double Arm DDT at one point but gets tripped up and hit with a barrage of punches for his efforts.

– The pornstarbeats on Mankind for a while before heading to the top to finish off the match with the Money Shot. Foley manages to stop him but Venis is still in control as he catches the babyface with a Bulldog.

– After dropping an elbow off the second rope on the back of Foley’s head, Venis goes for the Money Shot again after making sure that Foley is knocked out this time around. Great little touch as Venis lifts up Mankind’s arm just like a ref would if a wrestler was in a sleeper. The Money Shot turns out be worth no money as Foley moves out of the way. After both men staggers to their feet, Foley connects with the Double Arm DDT! Mankind barely drapes an arm over Venis’ chest and the ref counts one-two-thrNO! Venis kicks out!

– Just noticed Foley is wearing a Cactus Jack shirt under his Mankind get-up. Nice touch. Foley pulls out Mr. Socko but, at the same time, Venis pulls out Mr. Rocko (I guess he got it back at some point). Both men have similar intentions and Foley slaps on the Mandible Claw at the same time that Venis applies the Testicular Claw!!! I guess Mankind is related to the Human Tornado because he’s still standing despite his balls getting squeezed. Must be all that testicular fortitude he has. It’s a test of endurance as both men have their respective Claws locked in. Eventually, both men collapse and, by pure luck, Venis winds up on top of the pile so the ref counts three and awards him the victory! …Upset, I guess?

– That very well may have been the most ridiculous finish I’ve seen in this entire series. I…hated it. It didn’t look good and the crowd had no idea what to make of it. You have never truly experienced a mild crowd reaction until they are basically sitting on their hands while one man has a handful of balls in the middle of the squared circle. Not to mention, and I’m just now thinking about this, how the hell was the Testicular Claw not an immediate DQ!? On top of all of that, this was basically a squash match. Venis dominated 90% of the match and then won. Weird finish to an odd match. As wonky as the story may be, the action was really good, I have to say. A for effort but I’m not sure if I can, in all honestly, call it a good match with all the stupidity surrounding it.

– LOL. The crowd seems so confused right now. What a rotten finish.

– As if this whole thing couldn’t get dumber, Foley, who has just finished gotten his ass kicked for several minutes, beats up Venis after the match. God bless Mick but he no sold like crazy there.. He’s not John Cena or anything but he has his moments. Even though he didn’t win the match, Mankind has managed to get his book and sock back. yay

– Backstage, the Rock is still getting checked out by the medical staff. LMAO, JR calls out the incompetence of the staff by questioning why they haven’t taken Rock to the hospital at this point. It’s been like 15 minutes since his ribs got caved in by a Sledgehammer, you’d think they’d have a little more urgency.

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Match #8

Four Corner Elimination Match

Bradshaw vs. Farooq vs. X-Pac vs. Kane

– …What in the world is this match?

– On the Smackdown before this show, The Acolytes beat Kane in a handicap match. They tried to murk him after the match but Pac made the save with a chair. Bradshaw took an unprotected chair shot to the head like a complete moron. …Ok, that recap video did absolutely nothing to explain why this match is happening.

– The announcers inform us that the Rock is refusing to go to the hospital.

– The crowds still love X-Pac. Despite it being every man for themselves, The Acolytes come out together. All four men brawl to start the match as Pac tries to do a Plancha onto Bradshaw but gets caught. The degenerate goes back-first into the ring post before getting slammed onto the black mats.

– Back in the ring, The Acolytes double-team Kane before the ref finally gets some order and forces Farooq out. Kane and Bradshaw are the legal men. The Acolytes are treating this like a tag match as Bradshaw forces Kane into Farooq’s corner and tags his partner in. Just in case I forgot during my break from reviews, Kane reminds me how much of a goon he is by doing an Enziguri on Farooq. Farooq sold it so hard, he practically did a flip.

– Pac blind-tags Farooq and forces his way into the match. He has no problems fighting his (former?) partner but Kane is hesitant. A couple of shoves from Pac changes Kane’s mind, however, and he decides that he’s gonna have to catch three bodies instead of two. To his credit, Pac gets the advantage early on by using his educated feet. He’s quickly cut off by a Clothesline from the bigger man. The Big Red Machine tries to go for the Chokeslam but Bradshaw blind-tags his way in and goes after Pac. The degenerate wisely tags out to Farooq who has no problem fighting Bradshaw despite the fact that they came out together and have been working together this entire match with absolutely no sign of dissension. I’m so confused.

– The Acolytes dick around for a few seconds before Farooq tags Pac back in. SWERVE~! He shoves Pac directly into a Clothesline From Hell. SO ARE THEY WORKING TOGETHER OR NOT!?!?! Bradshaw covers Pac but Farooq, like a goddamn idiot, just stands in the ring so the ref is distracted and can’t count the pin. Just when the ref turns around to count, Kane decides to break up the pin.

– Bradshaw tags in Farooq. Him and Pac dick around for a bit before Bradshaw gets tagged back in for some more dicking around. OK, from what I’ve gathered, Pac asked for this match because he wanted to prove that he could hang with three big men. Kane helps out his big homie by Big Booting Bradshaw but the Texan kicks out of a pin attempt.

– Just like a tag match, The Acolytes cut the ring in half and work over X-Pac. Eventually, Pac manages to catch Bradshaw with a Tornado DDT off the top rope. Pac doesn’t want to tag out because of his pride but Kane goes “you can have a seat, brah” and tags himself in. The Big Red Machine runs wild on the Acolytes. He sends Farooq out of the ring before sending Bradshaw all the way to hell with a Chokeslam! Bradshaw is the first one eliminated, Maggle.

– As soon as Kane gets to his feet, he’s met by a Spin Kick off the top rope by X-Pac. The degenerate gets a flash pinfall as Kane kicks out at 3.1 but either way, Kane is eliminated! Kane is super salty at getting pinned but heads to the back without any trouble. It’s down to Farooq and X-Pac as the big man beats on the smaller man near the announce table. He tries to Powerbomb Pac through the announce table but Pac slips out the back and catches him with a DDT!

– The action goes back in the ring as X-Pac goes for the Bronco Buster but gets murked by a Spinebuster. Farooq decides that isn’t enough, however, as he drags Pac onto his shoulders and heads to the top rope. Pac falls back to the mat causing Farooq to go for a Shoulder Block off the top. X-FACTOR OUTTA NOWHERE! They screwed that up something fierce, haha. It looked awful but poor JR has to sell it like it was devastating. Thankfully, the crowd cheered when Pac covered him and got the win.

– The match was…fine, I guess. Nothing special but it wasn’t bad other than the botched finish. It told the story of Pac surviving a match with three men much bigger than him well but it didn’t really do anything for me.

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– Backstage, the Rock is heated at the medical staff for being so awful at their jobs.

– A recap of the feud between HHH and Austin is played. It highlights HHH messing up Austin’s knee back at Summerslam and what a colossal d-bag HHH is. Austin is coming for that ass, Hunter. You gonna pay what you owe. Really good hype video.

Match #9

No Holds Barred

WWF Championship

Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. HHH(c)

– Not surprisingly, the biggest pop of the night goes to Austin. Hahaha, HHH isn’t even trying to be subtle and comes out with his Sledgehammer. If you’re gonna be a heel, be a heel. Vince comes out and tries to take the hammer away from the Game but HHH lays him out for getting uppity. HERE COMES AUSTIN! He attacks HHH on the soundstage and this match is underway!

– HHH barely has time to take his belt off as they brawl near sound equipment. They trade blows with Austin getting the better of the exchange. The Rattlesnake is in control as he does a Clothesline off the rail that keeps the fans at bay! These guys are brawling on a hardwood floor so it would suck to get slammed on that.

– Austin continues to open a can of whoop ass on The Game as the fight spills into the crowd. Duh, it’s an Austin match on PPV in 99’. Amidst a sea of some of the biggest pieces of white trash you’ll ever see, Austin nails HHH with a fan’s crutch. Tiny Tim rocked an Austin 3:16 shirt.

– LOL, Austin hits HHH with the boom mic. This match has been all Austin so far. Say what you will about HHH but the man knows how to take a good beating. HHH takes a Suplex on the ramp and boy, I hope Austin is gonna recycle all these whoop ass cans he’s opening.

– Austin Clothesline HHH over the barricade. Ivan Drago probably thinks Austin is being a bit too aggressive. In the crowd, Austin goes for a Piledriver but HHH back-drops his way out of it. The champ goes for the Pedigree but Austin counters and Catapults HHH over the barricade. The ref catches an L as he gets hit by HHH and takes a bump.

– The ref is still down as HHH throws Austin into the ring for the first time in this match. The Game chokes Austin before shooting him off the ropes. STUNNER! STONE COLD! STONE COLD! But wait, there’s no ref! Stone Cold gets a visual pin before realizing what’s up and heading outside of the ring to revive the ref. Just as the ref is about to get back in the ring, HHH counters a Stunner causing Austin to bounce into the ref and sending the striped official back into night night mode.

– It’s HHH’s turn to get a visual pin as he hits the Pedigree but has no ref to count the pin. BOOOOOOOOO. Earl Hebner runs out from the back to make the count but Austin kicks out. HHH starts getting uppity with Hebner because he thinks that should have been 3 but Hebner, to his credit, ain’t trying to be soft like Drake as he shoves HHH back. Hebner stands his ground as Austin gets back to his feet and starts brawling with the champ.

– Austin connects with the “Dick to the Mouth” AKA the Lou Thesz Press before raining down punches on the Game. After doing whacky forearm strike for a nearfall, he sends HHH back out to ringside. They brawl over to the announce team and causes JR to drop his headset. HHH is bleeding as Stone Cold lays into him with some vicious right hands. After tossing HHH back into the ring, he beats on the champ some more before covering him for a couple of nearfalls.

– Back to ringside, Austin takes a moment to flex for the gram with a two-finger salute before choking him with a camera wire. Desperate, HHH nails Austin with the ringbell. He clearly didn’t watch Friday, he should have gotten a brick. Austin gets suplexed onto the Spanish Announce Table which doesn’t break. That must have sucked to take.

– In the ring, HHH starts stomping a mudhole in Austin before choking him with his boot like a true heel. HHH puts Stone Cold on the backfoot as he catches him with a Chop Block to his bad knee. The champ slows down the pace of the match by working over Austin’s knee with submissions.

– HHH tries to head to the top but gets cut off by Austin. After punching and chopping at a perched HHH, he brings him back down to earth with a Superplex! It only gets a nearfall though. As both men stagger to their feet, they fight over a chair that has somehow made it into the ring. Austin wins the tug of war and blasts the champ in the head with the chair! The Rattlesnake could potentially gets the win now but he wants revenge as he starts going HAM on HHH’s knee with the chair!

– The crowd is going nuts but are soon quieted down by HHH getting in a low blow. Someone’s coming down the ramp. It’s the Rock! With his ribs taped, he comes down the ramp with HHH’s precious sledgehammer. Like a complete goober, he winds up hitting Austin after trying to hit HHH. HHH plants Rock with a Pedigree before covering Austin for the win! HHH sneaks away with the title!

– Well, that made Rock look like an idiot, haha. He came down to this huge pop only to totally screw up a run-in and get laid out. Other than that, great match. If you’re into give-and-take brawls, you’ll love this one.

– Wait. Austin isn’t done with HHH as he attacks him while he’s celebrating up the ramp! Austin beats on the Game backstage before he flees to a limo where Chyna is waiting for him. The limo speeds off as Austin is left in the dust, promising himself to never celebrate Black History Month again.

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I didn’t have particularly high expectations for this show but this was really good. Probably the second best show I’ve seen so far behind Summerslam which I liked a tad bit more than this show. The only outright bad match was Moolah/Ivory, everything else was either acceptable or good. The ladder match, in particular, was fantastic.

Match of the Night: E&C vs.The Hardys

Worst Match of the Night: Fabulous Moolah vs. Ivory