Ah, the Super Bowl. Where heroes are made, tons of ad space is sold, and America consumes more calories than John Goodman at Thanksgiving dinner. It’s a game that unites us all, sports fans, non sports fans, and people who just want to get really drunk in a socially acceptable way. And this years game fixes to be a classic. It’ll be the Seattle Seahawks and the New England Patriots, and much has been said about both teams. Well, some has been said about the teams, most of the media has been talking about Deflategate

*gags*

Okay, I promise that’s the last time I’ll use the phrase Deflategate here. Or Ballghazi. Or any real reference to the ball deflation thing, actually. If I wanted to talk about redundant things that nobody cares about anymore, I’d do a feature on Lil Wayne. I digress. On with the show.

This year’s Super Bowl fixes to be a great one. So why not get pumped for the big game with…

15 REASONS TO CARE ABOUT THE SUPER BOWL!

1. Weird/Amazing Prop Bets

Like the bald eagle, the Star Spangled Banner, and public drunkenness, the Super Bowl is a hallmark of American culture. And you know what else is a hallmark of American culture? Gambling. Americans just love to gamble, and gambling on the big game is no different. Here are some winners.

 

 How long will it take Idina Menzel to sign the US National Anthem?

Over/Under                     2 minutes 1 second

Will Idina Menzel forget or omit at least 1 word of the official US National Anthem?         

Yes                            +400     (4/1)

No                             -600     (1/6)

 

Will Marshawn Lynch grab his crotch after scoring a TD in the game?         

Yes                              +400     (4/1)

No                                -600     (1/6)

 

Will Bill Belichick smile during the game on camera?

Yes                              +150     (3/2)

No                                -200     (1/2)

 

What will Katy Perry be wearing when she begins the Halftime show?   

Skirt or Dress                           4/5

Pants (below knees)                2/1

Shorts (above knees)               2/1

 

What color will Katy Perry’s hair be when she begins the Halftime show?      

Black/Brown             2/1

Pink/Red                    3/1

Blue/Green                3/1

Blonde                        4/1

Purple                         5/1

 

Who will the Super Bowl MVP mention first in his interview?      

Teammates                                         3/2

God                                                       5/1

Fans/City                                            15/2

Coach                                                   12/1

Family                                                 12/1

Owner                                                  12/1

Does not mention any of the above        2/1

 

14. A guy named Michael Hoomanawanui is playing

 

3. Arizona Super Bowls are weird.

In the past 20 years, there have been two Super Bowls held in the great (citation needed) state of Arizona. One was Super Bowl XXX, where the Barry Switzer led, slowly imploding Cowboys won a Super Bowl despite spending the whole year fighting with each other, and then doing more blow than the 1986 WWF locker room the week of the big game.

 

 

Then Larry Brown, an undrafted reserve cornerback, intercepted 3 horribly thrown Neil O’Donnell passes, which earned him a big contract from…The Oakland Raiders! That’s right, the Raiders personnel decisions are so awful they manage to worm their way into an article that’s not even about them.

 

The other Super Bowl held in ‘Zona? Well…

4. NBC!

NBC announcers are great. Screw Fox, screw CBS, and screw ESPN multiple times. Give me Football Night in America, 30 Rockefeller, and Carrie Underwood. Give me Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth on the call. Michaels is a veteran, who did play by play with John Madden and covered the Miracle on Ice and the infamous Earthquake Series. Collinsworth is a down to earth, likeable former pro, one of the best color guys out there. This commentary should be a treat to watch.

5. Seriously, Screw ESPN

Just wanted to reiterate that

6. MARSHAWN LYNCH!

 

 

7. It’s the only football around right now

College football season is over. A quick recap:

-Florida State came really close to losing pretty much every game but stayed undefeated long enough to get blown the hell out by Oregon

-Marcus Mariota won the Heisman but it was kinda anticlimactic so nobody was really making a big deal about it

-Notre Dame was really good for a bit but then they lost to FSU and started sucking.

-Ohio State had a dream season and overcame the doubters.

-Jameis Winston garnered nuclear levels of hate and jumped to the NFL after the year was done.

8. Richard Sherman

What will Richard Sherman do? Will he yell at the camera? Will he…well, actually, yeah, he’ll probably just yell at the camera. And then SportsNation will make memes about it because we live in the 24 hour media cycle and sports related humor was strangled to death in 2009 by Colin Cowherd.

9. The Halftime Show

If anyone expects this to be edgy or groundbreaking, they’re looking in the wrong place. The last time someone tried to do “edgy” at the Super Bowl halftime show,  Janet Jackson’s boob was shown on primetime network television. The boob showing days are over, people. This’ll be blander than a Scott Skiles highlight tape.

10. Commercials

Doritos will have a baby doing something and it’ll be really stupid and everyone will laugh. It’s science.

11. GRONK!

 

12. Tim Tebow won’t be there! (or will he?)

Timmy probably isn’t showing up on Sunday. He plays for neither team,  and is largely irrelevant. Still, being irrelevant hasn’t stopped him from showing up in two Super Bowl commercials in recent years. One was a Pro-Life statement, the other was a T-Mobile commercial. (Say what you want about Tebow’s on field skills, his acting range is at least above average.) So, maybe he’ll be there, maybe he won’t.

But he probably won’t.

13. Russell Wilson’s glorious tears

 

sidenote-thanks to this column, I now have a file on my laptop entitled “YOURTEARSAREDELICIOUS.jpg”. The things I do for you people…

14. Bill Belichick

Bill Belichick is grumpy. Real grumpy. Always. He’s never happy, and when he is, it looks creepy, Like watching a shark smile. It’s amazing that a multimillionare with a lasting legacy could be so pissed about everything, but I digress. The Hoodie has had an interesting go of things when it comes to the Super Bowl. His Pats beat the defending champion St. Louis Rams (and Kurt Warner, who in retrospect, was Tim Tebow if Tim Tebow were a good quarterback) in 2002, then they beat the Carolina Panthers in ’04, and the Eagles in ’05. Their next two Super Bowls? Well…they didn’t go as well. They were defeated by New York twice, and one of them was “that game” that ended the undefeated season. Their last Super Bowl berth was in 2012, and they lost to the Giants again. This year, they’re playing a better team than those Giants, Brady’s a little bit older, and the weapons from 2012 are mostly gone. Deion Branch retired, Wes Welker took the money and ran to Denver, Aaron Hernandez is in prison because he killed a guy, and Chad Ochocinco is in the CFL (so, kinda prison). Y’know, maybe Belichick has a good reason for being so grumpy.

15. Rosemary’s Richard Sherman’s baby

Will Richard Sherman play in the Super Bowl or watch his wife give birth? This is a serious, important decision for the man. What’s worth more to Sherman, the miracle of childbirth, or the miracle of slamming full speed into a pissed off Rob Gronkowski?

(spoiler: it’s the second one)

Well, all in all, whether you’re a latte-sipping, flannel wearing, die-hard Seahawks fan, or a tried and true New Englander, this game should be fun to watch. The two best teams in football, coming head to head on the biggest stage in sports. It’ll be a treat to watch. Happy Super Bowl, everybody!