RAW is WAR
September 27th, 1999
“This Is Your Life, Rock!” episode
LIVE from the Greensboro Coliseum in Greensboro, North Carolina
Attendance: ???
Before we move onto the October PPV, No Mercy, I’d figure that the series could make a quick pit stop and take a look at one of the most famous segments in the history of Monday Night Raw. Of course, I’m talking about the “This Is Your Life, Rock” which is widely considered the highest rated segment in Raw history (which actually isn’t true, if my research is right. There were a handful of segments during the year that were rated higher than this segment). Although I’ve heard a lot about it, I’ve never actually seen the angle for myself so this should be fun. Also, keep in mind that this the show following Unforgiven so there should be some fallout from that show on here as well. Let’s go!
– The show opens up with a recap of the previous night’s Six Pack Challenge for the WWF Championship where HHH won the title for a second time. For some reason, they mainly use still shots in the recap. After the recap, we go to Vince McMahon’s office where he is seemingly coming to a compromise with the disgruntled refs that are on strike. Vince assures them that they will have all the power needed to do their jobs and that the WWF will back them every step of the way. So, the “refs on strike” angle is officially over. What cracked me up about this segment was that Jimmy Korderas, the ref that got murked by the other refs at Unforgiven for crossing the picket line, has his arm in a sling and is standing away from all the other refs, haha.
– After the opening video (THORN IN YOUR EYE~!), pyro & ballyhoo, “My Time” blares over the sound system as the newly crowned WWF champion comes out with his bae Chyna. Boo this man. It’s HHH promo time. He tells the crowd that he doesn’t give a crap what they think and tells them that every time he holds up the belt, they can kiss his ass! Or be like Chyna and give him some dome. Either one works, I would think.
– The Game rides his own nuts for a bit, using every heel HHH line you’ve ever heard. He’s that damn good, he’s the man, his dick ejaculates money and his balls are made of chocolate, blah blah blah. He might as well have said “who fresher than HHHov? Riddle me that.” At least that’d be different. HHH says that the best parts of his victory at Unforgiven was that it was Austin of all people that had to count the pin and that he got to pin that Jabroni The Rock to win the title. The champ promises to eventually beat Austin as a final notch on his belt of success before having his dull heel rabble cut off by the music of… The British Bulldog? Yep, Davey Boy Smith, dressed in street clothes, comes out to no reaction whatsoever from the crowd. Not exaggerating one bit, dude was met with dead silence. Despite that, he’s still got something to say as he gets in the ring and grabs a mic. Calling HHH “Mr. Gameboy”, Davey Boy reminds the champ that they made an agreement last night that if one of them won the title at Unforgiven, that person would defend the belt against the other guy the following night on Raw. Bulldog’s mic skills are atrocious, BTW. I know he has an accent which makes him a bit hard to understand at times but his delivery is really bad.
– HHH, in true heel fashion, straight up says that he lied to Bulldog and that he can GTFO. Bulldog spouts off some nonsense that basically amounts to “I can fight you now or I can fight you later but I’m getting my title shot, brah.” After HHH tells Davey Boy to sit and spin, Bulldog attacks the Game and tackles him to the mat before laying into him with punches. This doesn’t get anywhere near the reaction you’d think it would considering that HHH is the top heel in the company and this comes off like a babyface turn for Bulldog.
– After seeing her man get beat on for a bit, Chyna finally steps in and distracts Davey Boy long enough for HHH to get in a low blow. The dastardly heels stomp a mudhole in Bulldog before refs run down to defuse the situation. As the heels bicker with the officials, Vinnie Mac’s music hits! The Chairman comes out and goes, “HHH versus the fucking British Bulldog for the WWF championship? Hell nah” before booking The Game in a title match against The Rock tonight. lol, sucks to be Bulldog. The crowd loves it though as HHH throws a hissy fit inside the ring because of the announcement.
– Pretty weak opening segment, honestly. HHH cut the same boring heel promo he always cuts when he’s champion while Bulldog’s promo was trash on so many different levels. The show can only go up from here.
– According to a match graphic, Chris Jericho is set to take on the Big Show tonight. In addition to that, the New Age Outlaws have issued an open challenge to any team for their tag team titles. Also, in what will presumably be our train-wreck for the evening, Ivory takes on Mae Young and Moolah in a non-title handicap match.
“MATCH OF THE YEAR! MATCH OF THE YEAR!”
– Backstage, Jeff Jarrett, accompanied by Miss Kitty, is talking to Tom Pritchard about something. In another part of the arena, Mankind is shown walking around with balloons and with something under a tarp. He says that whatever is under the tarp will more than make up for Foley DDT’ing the Rock during the title match at Unforgiven.
– A video is shown of Test and Steph looking at suits for their upcoming wedding. It’s so weird seeing Steph in 99’. She’s not slutty, she’s not bitchy, she…has no real personality of her own. She’s just a sweet, pretty white girl that comes off as super innocent. It’s interesting to see when you know what she would develop into as the years went on.
– Out comes Double J, Miss Kitty, and Tom Pritchard. Like a true gentleman, Jarrett promises that there “won’t be a skank in the house tonight to get hurt” if Chyna & Debra accept his challenge. He wants a “Battle of the Sexes” tag match where it will be himself and Pritchard versus the two girls, claiming that it’s time that the men showed the women their place after they almost cost him the IC title at Unforgiven. The trio leaves as the announcers inform us that they will try to get a response from Chyna and Debra as soon as possible.
– “I can’t stop looking at Miss Kitty.”- Jerry Lawler. Why am I not surprised?
Match #1
The Big Show vs. “Y2J” Chris Jericho (w/ Curtis Hughes)
– I like Mr. Hughes. He has the same sour look on his face anytime he’s on camera 0which makes me giggle. Before the match, Jericho cuts a promo where he brags about “ending” Ken Shamrock’s career. He also says that he gave Road Dogg a “career-ending injury” which is a hilarious heel thing to say considering that RD is scheduled to wrestle on this very show. Y2J rightfully calls Show the biggest waste of sperm in the WWF and says that he’s gonna end his career just like he did RD and “Ken Scamrock”. Chris Jericho: Ender of Careers (but not really) is an awesome gimmick.
– As soon as the bell rings, Jericho starts laying into Show with punches and chops in an attempt to knock the big man off his feet. While running the ropes, however, Y2J gets lifted into the air as if he was a small child and is sent crashing back down to earth, face-first. Also, Prince Albert has come out to do guest commentary for some reason. He claims that he’s here to scout Big Show. Basically, he’s jelly that Show is considered the top big man in the company and wants his spot.
– Meanwhile, back in the ring, Jericho has taken control after Mr. Hughes gets involved and distracts Show long enough for his client to knock Show off his feet. Jericho tries to apply some wacky arm submission but Show powers his way out of it. Show goozles Y2J for the Chokeslam but Albert stops him with an ugly Missile Dropkick off the top rope! Oddly enough, the ref immediately calls for the bell as soon as he saw Albert on the top rope. So, is that all it takes to get DQ’ed? No real interference is required, a man not involved in the match just has to be seen climbing on a part of the ring. In that case, why wasn’t Mr. Hughes DQ’ed when he hopped on the apron since his obvious intent was to interfere? I know, I know, I’m thinking too hard and it don’t matter. Also, I love Albert’s thought process. He decided that he was gonna interfere in the match but he couldn’t just punch Show or kick him or something like that. No, he had to get his shit in so he did a MISSILE DROPKICK. Seems overly complicated to me but hey, I’m not a world class piercest like Prince Albert.
– Jericho tries to retreat up the ramp with Mr. Hughes but they are cut off by Road Dogg! Y2J runs for the hills as RD gets in a few shots on Hughes. RD stands tall for like a second before we go TO THE BACK~! Well, that gave me no time to digest what I just saw, haha. Match itself went maybe two minutes before the lame DQ finish so I can’t really comment on that. It was fun for the 120 seconds or so it lasted though.
– Backstage, Mankind is talking to the person under the tarp, saying that the Rock is gonna freak when he sees who is under the tarp. Stevie Richards, cosplaying as Dude Love, walks up to Mankind and asks if he can borrow his gimmick. Not joking. Why does Stevie want to be Dude Love? “Because he’s a chick magnet.” Foley goes “lol” and allows Stevie to ape his gimmick. “The chicks hated Dude Love, it was all part of the gimmick!”, says Mankind after Stevie leaves. That segment happened.
– Stone Cold is shown BAMF-walking around backstage. It looks like he’s heading to the ring, NEXT! Or, it would be next if I actually had to watch commercials. Thank you, Based Network.
– Michael “Black As” Cole makes his first appearance of the night as he’s in the interview pit with Chyna. Chyna accepts The Battle of the Sexes challenge but warns Debra that she should probably stay away as people can get hurt in the ring. It’s really odd how Chyna is a heel whenever she’s on-screen with HHH but is essentially treated like a babyface when she’s by herself and interacting with Jarrett.
– GLASS SHATTERS! After getting in the ring and grabbing a mic, Stone Cold says that he’s pretty pissed that the Rock is getting a WWF title match before him. He demands that Vince get in the ring and explain his actions. Sure enough, the Chairman comes out and gets in the ring with the Rattlesnake. After thanking Austin for getting him reinstated as Chairman of the WWF, Vince explains that even though he promised Austin a title shot, he never actually said WHEN Austin would get his title shot. Due to this, Vince says that Austin will have to wait until the upcoming No Mercy PPV to get his title shot. Suspicious of Vince, Austin clarifies that he will be getting his title shot at No Mercy and warns the Chairman that if he doesn’t, he “will, like never before, stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry!” Stone Cold gives this Bottom Line his official seal of approval before heading to the back. So, I get to review Austin vs. HHH after this show. That should be really really good.
– A GTV video airs. This one has the Mean Street Posse hanging out in their hotel room. Apparently, they ran a train on some blonde chick who comes out and asks them if they can do a favor for her in exchange for her banging them. Like total dudebros, two Posse members (no idea which one is which) tell her to hit the bricks. The girl, offended at being used, leaves the room in disgust. The third Posse member gets mad at the other two for sending the girl out before he got a chance to hit it and complains that he always has to be the “caboose”. That’s the end of the video. I swear on a stack of bibles, everything I just wrote is true. I don’t know what the point was but I laughed.
– An ad for the encore presentation of the Unforgiven PPV broadcast plays. I’ll be sure to check it out.
– HHH is shown getting dressed in his locker room in preparation for his big title defense tonight. In another part of the building, the Rock is walking around, possessing about as much as swag as a man could possibly have before it’s considered illegal.
Match #2
European Championship
Steve Blackman vs. D-Lo Brown(c)
– SO. Let me get this straight. Steve Blackman lost clean as a sheet at the PPV against Val Venis. He was rewarded for this loss by getting a European title match the next night. What does that say about the European title? I guess they are trying to get D-Lo over as a fighting champion that will defend the belt against anybody.
– Blackman puts D-Lo on the backfoot to start off the match as Droz saunters out to no reaction to do commentary. Droz actually says that he and Prince Albert weren’t booked for this show so he’s out here to get his face on TV. Taking it back to 99’, motherfuckers.
– Back in the ring, it’s black-on-brown violence as Blackman keeps working over the champ. Ahaha, I just realized that the ref is Jimmy Korderas who is reffing with his arm in a sling. Could they not get someone else to cover this match. Anyhoo, D-Lo starts making a comeback after snapping off a Hurricarana.
– The match soon spills out to ringside as the Brown Man gets sent into the ring steps. Despite the fact that he’s in control of the match, Blackman grabs his kendo stick and whacks D-Lo with it right in front of the ref for the DQ. Complete shit. Three things. 1. This buries the European title because Blackman cared so little about it that he was willing to get DQ’ed for no good reason. 2. Blackman looked like a goober. This idiot got DQ’ed in a title match WHEN HE WAS WINNING. He may be the second dumbest guy in the company behind Big Show after this. 3. This show is ⅓ over and we’ve had two matches. Both of them went two minutes or less and ended in a random DQ. Hello, Crash TV booking.
– After the match, Blackman decides that he’s gonna murk Jim Dotson, AKA WWF Gunner, for embarrassing him at the PPV and drags him over the barricade while whacking him with cane shots. Oh yeah and Droz is stomping on D-Lo on the other side of the ringside area. Lot of shit to keep track of in the angles on this show. Droz pukes on D-Lo. EW EW EW EW EW EW. I hope D-Lo got a bonus for that. Honestly, he’s an amazing professional because if a dude legit puked on me, planned or not, we’d be fighting for real.
– Just in case we didn’t have enough shit going on in this segment, Mark Henry runs out and seemingly tries to check on his former friend with genuine concern before D-Lo gets to his feet and pushes him off. If you take anything away from this segment, please let it be that there once was a wrestler who’s entire gimmick was that he could puke on cue. Not only that but said ability to puke on cue was supposed to get this wrestler heel heat and make you want to see him get beat up. Yeah.
– Foley and his “surprise” are shown heading to the ring. It’s almost time for the segment! During the commercial break, Mankind invited Stone Cold to his party for the Rock. Austin was like “lolno.”
– Mankind comes out. After a quick cheap pop, Mankind reminds us how he slapped the Mandible Claw on the Rock in the WWF title match at Unforgiven. Foley says that he felt so bad about his actions that he stayed up all night thinking of a way to make it up to the Rock and convince him that the Rock N’ Sock Connection lives! He invites the Rock out to the ring. If Rock doesn’t come out, Foley will accept that their friendship is dead. The crowd hops to to their feet as The Great One obliges to Foley’s request. Apparently, in 99’, there was a site called TheRock.com. Unfortunately, I just tried it and it only leads to the WWE website in 2014.
– The People’s Champion basks in cheers for a bit before doing his “Finally, the Rock has come back to (insert town here)!” catchphrase. Rocky tells Mankind that he doesn’t need any apologies because he beat ass and got his ass beat by himself last night. After Rock demands to know why Foley brought him out to the ring, Foley says, “This is big, Rock. This is important. In fact, this…IS YOUR LIFE!” Suddenly, pyro goes off as cornball parade music starts playing.Confetti and balloons fall from the skies. I mean, a LOT of balloons. Some of them pop within seconds while others are popped by the fans in the crowd.
– Mankind wants to relive Rock’s past with him as he asks him if he recognizes a high-pitched female voice that calls him Dwayne. Mankind introduces her as Mrs. Betty Griffith but the graphic identifies her as “Mrs. Sherbert.” Also, Foley calls her Rock’s Home Economics teacher while the graphic says English. I don’t know if the joke is supposed to be that Foley didn’t know the teacher’s real name or that the WWF production crew, for some odd reason, knows the name of Rock’s 6th Grade English teacher. The old woman tries to hug Rock when she gets in the ring but Rocky curbs her.
Nas ain’t got shit on the Ether I’m bout to drop.
– Wait. Rock just identified her as Mrs. Griffith and said she was his home economics teacher. So, the production team messed up. Oh well, I’m guessing this is live so stuff like that happens sometimes. Rock asks his teacher if she remembers how he only wanted to make pancakes in her class. That bitch Mrs. Griffith only let The Great One make crap like chocolate chip cookies and blueberry muffins. Then, right before summer vacation, she told Rock that he could make his pancakes the next day in class. The next day, however, Mrs. Griffith informed the pubescent Rock that she was out of Aunt Jemima. Uh oh.
– The Rock asks if Mrs. Griffith knows her rolls since she’s into baking. Everybody in the building knows what’s coming next as Rock tells his former teacher to know her role, shut her mouth, and check her “Aunt Jemima no pancake-having ass into the Smackdown Hotel!” The woman sells the insults as if it physically hurt and looks like she’s about to have a heart attack. Awesome. Keep in mind, she hasn’t said a word since she came out here so I guess she does know her role. That’s kinda dickish, Rock.
– Mrs. Griffith wisely takes the Rock’s verbal assault as her cue to leave. “Rocky” chants fill the building as Mankind introduces another mystery voice. This one is a gruff, manly voice that demands “Johnson” to give him 20 pushups. It turns out to be Coach Everett Hart of the Freedom High School Warriors. Foley credits the coach as being partially responsible for the Rock’s testicular fortitude.
– Much like his former teacher, Rock blanks the coach when he goes for a handshake. Rock tells a story about how in the last game of the season, he got a quarterback sack in the last two minutes of the game. When the quarterback went for a handshake, The Great One made sure that Jabroni knew his role by hitting him with a DDT! Instead of congratulating the Rock for doing his part to rid the world of all it’s lame dudes, the coach made him run sprints in front of all the Rock’s fans later that night! Of course, this gets the coach a lot of boos from the crowd. After all, only nerds and commies like sportsmanship.
– The Rock comments on the coach’s nice whistle and asks if it’s the same whistle the coach used the night he ran sprints. Once the coach confirms it is, Rock asks him to blow it one more time just for old time’s sake. After the coach does so, Rocky lets him know that he’d like to do something…special with that whistle. Once again, the crowd and the announcers know what’s coming next but it doesn’t make it any less great as Rock says that he wants to shove the whistle up the coach’s candy ass! The coach hits the showers as Rock tells Mankind that was strike two.
– Trying to prove to Rock that none of this is a joke, Mankind tries to steal the Rock’s “millions and millions of fans” catchphrase but Rock stops him before he can finish it and tells him never to do it again. As if a sign was hanging above the ring that said “POP FOR BABYFACE NOW”, more “Rocky” chants break out. In a final ditch effort to impress the Rock, Foley introduces a third voice. This one is female and begs “Dwayne” to let her run her hands through his hair one more time. It’s the Rock’s old high school sweetheart, an attractive blond named Joanne Imbriani (probably didn’t spell that right but don’t care). Just like all the others, Rock stops her before she can make physical contact with him and the crowd pops as they can already sense that Rock is about to drop that Ether on this chick.
Rock didn’t Chris Brown to tell him these hoes ain’t loyal.
– The Rock talks about how they used to make out on her parent’s couch and she’d literally beg him to “go for second base.” But, Joanne committed the biggest heel move that you could possibly do to a horny teenager. She cut him off at second base! The girl gets MASSIVE boos for giving teenage Rock blue balls. The Rock says that despite being a cock block years ago, now that Rocky was rich and successful, here she was ready to give the People’s Champ a slice of her poontang pie. Huge pop from the crowd for the poontang pie reference. Lawler, in particular, laughs his fat face off. Lawler’s laughter is infectious. It’s the exact opposite of Michael Cole’s laugh on Raw nowadays. Cole’s laugh is so phony that it actually brings down any segment where he does it and makes it come off as unfunny. Lawler’s laughter, on the other hand, is clearly genuine which causes me to start laughing right along with him. Even JR gets in on the dirty jokes.
– Even though the Rock loves pie, he tells the blonde to poontang her ass out of the ring. Having got put on blast on national TV, the chick leaves with a quickness. Mankind tries to apologize for the bad guests but the Rock tells him to shut up because the crowd is chanting his name. Unbeknownst to all of us, The Rock is actually a ventriloquist that has invisible wires that he uses to control the crowd so he causes the crowd to erupt into “Rocky” chants right then and there. Like those ninjas in Naruto. Foley begs for forgiveness since he didn’t know that his old teacher was a bitch, his old coach was a jerk, and that his old girlfriend was a complete skank. Wait, she’s a skank because she wouldn’t have sex with Rock? Don’t think you thought that one through, Foley.
– In an attempt to save the party, Foley says that it’s time to open the People’s presents! The first present is a nifty Rock N’ Sock Connection jacket. After putting on his own jacket, Mankind gets the crowd to chant for Rock N’ Sock. The second gift is Mr. Rocko, a specialized version of Mr. Socko that has the Rock’s face on it. Even though Rock still doesn’t look pleased, Foley decides it’s time to introduce his “surprise” that’s he’s been hiding under the tarp. No, it’s not the fat chick that Billy Gunn hid at Summerslam. It’s Yurple, a clown decked out in purple and pink. Of course, no clown appearance would work without Doink’s theme music playing.
– Yurple puts a “IYQ” sticker on the Rock’s shirt as pretty much everyone in the building is begging Rock to layeth the Smackdown on this Jabroni. The Rock does his “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!” schtick on Yurple before Mankind jumps in and tells Rock that he worked really hard to get Yurple here. He starts getting uppity with The Great One for shitting on every guest that he brought out and basically being super ungrateful for all the work that Foley put in to make this party happen. The reason why Foley brought Yurple in is so that she can lead the crowd in performing the “Happy Birthday!” song for the crowd. The crowd sings the song as some backstage Jabroni wheels out a cake.
– Having had enough foolishness for one night, the Rock drops a pipebomb on Foley. “The Rock’s birthday is May 2nd, you stupid son of a bitch!” Foley admits that he knew that but says that every day he gets to hang out with Rock, it feels like somebody’s birthday. Pause. SUDDENLY, A WILD HHH APPEARS! Armed with his sledgehammer, The Game hits the ring and causes the babyfaces to bail. Yes, the heel caused two babyfaces to retreat. Welcome to bizarro world. Standing on the ramp, Rocky has a staredown with HHH as the announcers hype up the WWF title match in the main event. Angered at HHH bringing an end to a pretty entertaining segment, the crowd rains “asshole!” chants down on the champ as he tries to pop the balloons still in the ring. It’s about to be on like a pot of neckbones, daddy!
– Great segment. In reality, it went over 20 minutes but that time just flew by. The Rock is outstanding. I’ve said it before but whether or not you like the guy, you have to respect his ability to get any crowd eating out of his hands and getting them to chant whatever he wants whenever he wants them to.
– After a commercial for Smackdown, we come back to see the New Age Outlaws making their entrance. It should go without saying but Road Dogg cuts a “Rah-Rah” promo. He trashes every team in the back and extends an open challenge to any team that wants to take on the champs. Backstage, the Holly Cousins are watching the show on a small monitor like every other goober does while watching the show backstage. They want to see if the Outlaws meet the “Super Heavyweight” requirement so it looks like they are accepting the challenge.
Match #3
WWF Tag Team Championship
The New Age Outlaws(c) vs. Kane-Pac
– LMAO, so I guess the Holly Cousins didn’t move fast enough as Kane-Pac beat them to the punch and come out for the match instead. SWERVE~!
– DX members are pitted against each other as Pac and Road Dogg start out the match. They shake hands before Dogg slaps on a headlock. Here comes those goobers the Holly Cousins. Crash is carrying a scale as the duo comes out to ringside while Pac and Dogg do battle in the ring. The Hollys each grab a headset at the commentary table as Hardcore whines that they should be getting this tag title shot instead of Kane-Pac.
– Gunn gets tagged in prompting Pac to tag in the big man of his team, Kane, who comes in to a big reaction. Kane goozles Mr. Ass for a Chokeslam but RD comes in to break it up. Hardcore is still complaining on commentary. Brah, you lost a foot race to KANE. You don’t deserve anything.
– Anyhoo, match breaks down as all four guys get involved. Pac nuts himself after missing a Bronco Buster on Jesse James giving the Outlaws the opening needed to double team Kane. They send the Big Red Machine to the outside before Gunn tosses his former fellow degenerate onto Dogg’s knee. Since no match on this show can go past the three minute mark, the Hollys hit the ring and attack the Outlaws for the DQ. Three matches, three DQ’s. Taking it back to 99’. Action was fine but what the hell can you do in two minutes?
– The segments ends on a happy note as the babyfaces team up to take out the Hollys. Hardcore eats a Chokeslam while Crash gets a mouthful of salty X-Pac balls from a Bronco Buster. Despite fighting moments earlier, the good guys all kiss and make up as they celebrate in the ring. Well, Pac, Dogg, and Gunn celebrate. Kane is too cool for that and just chills in the background.
– In the interview pit, Terry Taylor is backstage with Mae and Moolah. Moolah says they are here to teach Ivory some respect for her elders. “She’s a tramp!”, Mae helpfully adds.
Match #4
Non-Title Evening Gown Handicap Match
Ivory vs. Mae & Moolah
– Jeez, another one? We just had one of these on Smackdown last month. JR informs us that both Mae and Moolah are in their 70’s. Ivory starts off the match with some hoodrat tactics as she jumps Moolah from behind with her shoe. She tries to get off the other one to attack Mae but the AARP version of Goldberg spears the champ and starts beating on her. They have an awful catfight before Ivory starts choking out Mae with her boa and feathers. That may not sound like much but keep in mind that the woman being choked and tossed around is your grandma’s age.
– Ivory tries to yank off Mae’s clothes but the OG counters with a Bodyslam. Despite the fact that you can’t win by pinfall in this match, Mae tries to cover Ivory and for some incredibly odd reason, the ref tries to count the pin. Ivory hits the ropes but gets cut off by Moolah who hits her while standing on the apron. Mae tries to make the champ go night night with a Sleeper but Ivory slips out the back and quickly takes Mae’s dress off! Grody. OH MY GOD, THAT WAS ALMOST A NIP SLIP. Mae gets sent over the top rope as it’s down to Moolah and Ivory.
– Fueled by babyface fire, Moolah runs wild on the champ and yanks the lovely young lady’s dress off! Moolah and Mae win! Angered at being stripped of her clothes, Ivory tries to jump Moolah after the match but gets sent packing by Mae. Well, that sucked.
– Chyna is shown walking towards the ring. Wow, her fake boobs have this huge gap in them, it’s super obvious here.
– Another GTV video. This one shows Val Venis throwing some trash into a trash can backstage. In the can, he finds Mr. Rocko. He rolls it up and sticks it into his pants, presumably so his junk will look bigger. Exposed. As Holden Caulfield would say, what a phony.
Match #5
Battle of the Sexes Tag Match
Chyna & Debra vs. Jeff Jarrett & Tom Pritchard (w/ Miss Kitty)
– Before his opponents come out, Jarrett gets on the mic and dares Chyna to come out. When nobody initially comes out, Jarrett says that it’s proof that women are only good for three things. Cooking, cleaning, and…presumably humping but who knows as Double J is cut off by “My Time.” Chyna comes out with a mic and challenges Jeff to add a stip to the match. If she can pin Jarrett, she gets another shot at the IC title at No Mercy! After having his testicular fortitude questioned, Jarrett accepts.
– Distracting Pritchard, Debra shows off her puppies as soon she comes out. Chyna takes advantage of the distraction with a low blow but gets chop blocked by the champ. Double J briefly works over the knee before slapping on the Figure Four. Seeing her partner in trouble, Debra pulls on Jarrett’s hair and ears to get him to break the hold causing Miss Kitty to come in the ring and start getting uppity with Debra. Not a DQ for some reason.
– Miss Kitty’s short dress has gone up to the point where we can see her thong as she gets into a cat fight with Debra. Distracted by the catfight, Jarrett falls victim to a low blow from Chyna. No wonder she became a porn star, she seemingly wants to touch the genitals of every man in the WWF. In the midst of all this chaos, Pritchard sneaks into the ring with Jarrett’s guitar and does his best El Kabong impression. In a stroke of pure luck, however, Chyna falls on top of Jarrett prompting the ref to make the three count! Chyna gets her rematch at No Mercy.
– A bunch of shit happened in 60 seconds. That’s the only way I can describe this match.
– Both guys in the main event are shown walking towards the ring. HHH doesn’t seem concerned at all that his boo just got a guitar smashed over the back of her head.
Match #6
WWF Championship
The Rock vs. HHH(c)
– Before the match, Stone Cold comes out to do commentary and scout his opponent at No Mercy.
– Rocky starts swinging as soon the champ gets in the ring and our main event is underway. HHH quickly returns fire and both men engage in a give and take brawl. The match heads outside of the ring as Rocky tosses HHH over the barricade. The Great One soon goes for a Suplex on the black mats but HHH counters it.
– Ref Earl Hebner isn’t even trying to count either guy out (not even worth getting mad about at this point) as both men head back into the crowd for some more brawling. After fighting in a penalty box, they go back into the ring. The Game connects with his signature facebuster only to walk right into a Rock Bottom! NO! HHH fights out of it and goes for the Pedigree but Rocky comes up with his own counter as he catapults the champ into the turnbuckle.
– Crowd is hot as Rocky gets nearfalls with a DDT and a Samoan Drop. After sending the Game to the outside, the People’s Champ gets his face smashed off the announce table. Knowing that he’s in danger of losing his title, HHH goes, “fuck the rules, I’m the Game” and grabs a chair to use. Hebner tries to stop him but gets laid out with a punch for his efforts. So much for that new found authority that refs have. HHH whacks Rock in the head with the chair (a protected one, I should note, so shout out to Rock).
– With no ref to count the pin due to his own stupidity, HHH decides that this is a good time to trash talk Stone Cold. Austin is like “if you want beef, bring the ruckus” and hits the ring to fight HHH. After a brief scuffle, Austin hits a Stunner on HHH who pops right back up to his feet just in time to take a Rock Bottom! The place is going nuts at this point.
– All 3 men involved in the match (including the ref) are down on the mat as Austin, on commentary, screams at Rock to pin that sumbitch. They all play dead for a long time (kinda silly that Rock sold that long for a single chair shot to the head but hey, whatever) before Rocky finally starts to stir and drapes his arm over HHH. A wounded Earl Hebner makes the slowest count ever.
One.
Two.
ThrWHATDAHATLE, THAT’S THE BRITISH BULLDOG! He hits the ring and begins attacking the Rock, forcing Earl Hebner to call for the DQ! Boooooooooooo.
– Just to prove that he has no allegiances, Bulldog also starts stomping on HHH and lays him out with the Running Powerslam. Then…the show just ends as the crowd dies a death. Yeah.
Pretty lame ending to a bad show, honestly. Every single match ended in a DQ and only one of those matches made it past the three minute mark. Almost every segment had a bunch of stuff going on at once making it hard to digest any of it and really become invested in the angle. The only thing on this show that was worth anything was the “This is Your Life, Rock” segment and even then, it wasn’t show-savingly good. Great segment that was sandwiched between a lot of bad stuff. This show really did emphasize the best and worst aspects of Crash TV booking.