Fully Loaded
July 25th, 1999
Live from the Marine Midland Arena in Buffalo, New York
Attendance: 16,605
After two bad shows in the row, I’m hoping that the third one is the charm and this turns out to be a good show. Fully Loaded 99’ was headlined by a First Blood match for the WWF title between the Undertaker and Stone Cold Steve Austin (Austin had won the title back on Raw in the build to this show). It also featured a Strap match between HHH and the Rock who had been feuding for a few months by this point. Other than those two matches, I have no real idea what is on this card. With that being said, into the Russo Zone I go!
– As always, the show starts out with a video package. It chronicles the war between Austin ad Vince McMahon over the past year and a half. Apparently, the title match between Taker and Austin tonight is a Loser Leaves WWF match. If Taker wins, Austin is gone. If Austin wins, Vinnie Mac is gone. One thing I will say about the video packages during this year is that they are all pretty unique. Opening video packages to PPVs nowadays seem so bland and generic when compared to this. Sunday Night Heat was actually kinda important in this era.
– After all the pyro and ballyhoo, a video recap is shown of Austin getting jumped by the Undertaker on Sunday Night Heat. Security rushes in to pull him off the champ but the Deadman manages to bust Austin wide open, putting him at a major disadvantage going into the main event tonight. Also, Shane and Vince were watching this scene unfold in the background so they obviously caused it.
I love it when a plan comes together.
– The show goes backstage where Austin is getting patched up by a medical person. Austin tells the stupid sum-bitch to to make his head vagina stop bleeding but the doctor tells him he’ll probably need stitches.
– We now go to another part of the building where Vince and Shane are watching the PPV broadcast on a tiny TV monitor. Seriously, these dudes looked like idiots staring down at that small screen while being billionaires. Michael Cole comes up and accuses Vince of setting up Taker’s attack on Austin. Like a sleazy politician, Vince denies any connection to the attack and promises that Austin will lose the title tonight.
Match #1
Intercontinental Championship
Edge(c) vs. Jeff Jarrett (w/ Debra)
– The story behind this match is that Edge, a last-minute replacement for Ken Shamrock, beat Jarrett at a house show in Toronto the previous night for the title.
– Lawler cracks me up by comparing Edge’s entrance through the crowd with the Price is Right. “Hey Edge, come on down!”
– Debra continues to amaze me with her “Trailer Park Queen” gear. ****½, maybe even ****¾.
– Before the match, Jarrett hops on a mic and basically cock-blocks everyone in the arena by saying that no one is gonna see Debra’s puppies because they belong to him! He also says that he’s the greatest IC champion of all time and other such heel rabble.
– After jaw-jacking for a bit, both guys start out the match with a lock-up sequence as the crowd immediately goes into”We Want Puppies.” The thirst is real, ya’ll.
– Edge shoves Jarrett down and, like a goddamn idiot, turns his back on the heel to get on the turnbuckle and pose. To the surprise of no one but Edge and Sting, Jarrett jumps Edge from behind.
– Edge shoots Jarrett off the ropes and catches him with a Spinning Heel Kick before getting a near-fall with a wacky looking cradle pin.
– A backslide and a Sunset Flip only gets Edge 2 counts before Jarrett decides to bail from the ring. He snatches up the I-C title along with Debra’s puppies and tries to head up the ramp. Well, that makes no sense. He’s the challenger, why would he ever want a count-out loss? The crowd chants for puppies as Jarrett heads back to the ring to continue the match.
– The fight spills out to ringside as Edge gets thrown hard into the steel steps. Jarrett throws Edge back in the ring and stays on offense for like 10 seconds before Edge gets another nearfall with a bridging Northern Lights Suplex.
– Jarrett starts working over Edge’s leg before being cradled AGAIN for a nearfall. This time, however, Jarrett actually sends Edge crashing shoulder-first into the ring post when he kicks out.
– Jarrett gets the heat on Edge for a few minutes, taking time out to do his awesome Double J strut. Edge tries to make a comeback here and there but is cut-off every time. Jarrett goes total Southern heel on the champ by slapping on some rest-holds. That may sound boring but it’s really well done as Jarrett actually knows how to work a sleeper and the crowd likes Edge meaning that they wanted see him get out of the dastardly heel’s hold.
– In a spot that makes no kind of sense, Jarrett bumps into Edge, who has his back to Double J, and suddenly faints for no reason. Edge then bounces off the turnbuckle and inadvertently smashes head-first into Jarrett’s crotch. It was one of those spots where both guys look like unathletic goobers so I’m not even sure what the point of it was. Because 99’ motherfuckers, I guess.
– The ref comes close to counting both me out before Edge throws an arm over Jarrett but Double J kicks out.
– Edge starts making a comeback and wow, 95% of his offense in this match is entirely made up of roll-ups and cradles After running wild for a bit, he goes for the spear but Jarrett moves and uses his momentum to send the champ to the outside.
– Suddenly, the arena is covered in a flashing red light before the lights go out. Somebody, probably Gangrel, runs out from the back and attacks Edge.
– After a few seconds of darkness, the lights come back on to reveal that Edge has laid out Gangrel. LMAO, what a jobber. Dude went through the trouble of this super elaborate run-in and still got his ass beat.
– As Edge stares down at Gangrel’s beaten body thinking to himself, “damn, I’m a goon”, Jarrett jumps him from behind and sends him back in the ring. Double J goes off the top rope with a Crossbody but Edge rolls through with it for a close two count. SO, Gangrel’s interference had literally no effect on this match. #ShitThatVinceRussoBooks
– Edge does a couple more cradles and rollups before hitting the Spear. He can’t capitalize though because his shoulder had been injured when he got sent into the ring post.
– Seeing that her man is in trouble, Debra hops on the apron and offers Edge a slice of her poontang pie. Edge considers it before getting sucker punched by Jarrett right at the same time that he manages to fire off a punch of his own to Jeff. During the brief skirmish, Edge stumbles back into Debra before being necked on the top ring rope by a recovered Gangrel. Double J takes full advantage of the overbooking and hits the Stroke for the win. New champion!
– Goofy overbooking aside, that actually was a solid albeit basic PPV opener. I got no major problems with it.
– After the match, Jarrett goes “fuck a humble brag” and reminds the crowd that he is the greatest I-C champion of all time.
– Backstage, the doctor is finally finished patching up Stone Cold. Austin thanks the kind gentleman by telling him to get out of his way and storming out of the office. What a douche.
– Meanwhile, back in the ring, Jarrett is still celebrating with his gold and his ho before GLASS SHATTERS~! For seemingly no reason other than because he can, Austin runs into the ring and hits a Stunner on Jarrett. I would call it a burial but let’s be real, everyone in the company was vulnerable to random Stunners at this point.
– Austin gets tossed a mic and cuts a promo where he says that he’s gonna find Taker backstage and make him bleed so that they’ll be on an even-playing field in the main event.
Match #2
WWF Tag Team Championship
“Acolyte Rules” (No-DQ Handicap Match)
The Acolytes (Farooq & Bradshaw) vs. The Hardy Boys & Michael Hayes
– Before the match, The Hardys and P.S. Hayes are interviewed by Michael Cole. Hayes said that he took the Hardys from “curtain-jerkers” to champions and that he’ll lead his men into victory.
– Don’t even bother asking me who the faces and heels are here.
– All 5 men brawl on the ramp to start out the match. They brawl around ringside as the Acolytes, despite being at a man disadvantage, gain the upper hand and hit Hayes with the ring steps.
– Oh, the match just officially started.
– In the ring, Farooq tries to Clothesline Jeff but he ducks under it and does a cool looking dive to the outside onto Bradshaw. Farooq goes outside to kill whitey but Matt saves his brother by taking out the Acolytes with a Moonsault from the turnbuckle to the outside!
– Taking full advantage of the No-DQ stip, the Hardys double team Bradshaw in the ring. Farooq tries to make the save but Hayes shows that he’s more of a n**** than him by stopping him.
– The Carolina Crew triple-team Farooq, allowing Jeff to hit the Swanton off the top rope! Jeff is still a lower card guy at this point, however, meaning that Farooq kicks out.
– Bradshaw comes in the ring and starts bullying people, tossing Jeff out of the ring and causing him to take a nasty tumble to the floor.
– Bradshaw starts brawling with Hayes on the outside while Farooq kills Matt with a Spinebuster.
– One of my major wrestling pet-peeves occurs as this wild brawl breaks down into a regular tag match as all the competitors are now politely waiting on the apron for a tag despite not giving a shit about the rules for the first few minutes of the match. It happens all the time but man it’s stupid.
– The Acolytes work over Hayes for a while. Hayes makes a tag to Jeff but it’s sadly an ice-cold tag as Jeff immediately gets killed by a Powerslam from Farooq.
– Hayes, the world’s worst manager, tells his partner to “suck it up!” and stop getting his ass beat.
– It’s resthold time as the Acolytes (who are the heels I guess) cut the ring in half. Jeff finally tags in his brother and the match immediately breaks down into a brawl. Again, why even bother waiting for tags?
– Eventually, it comes down to just Matt and Farooq in the ring. Farooq tries to murk Matt with a Dominator but the Carolina native slips out of the hold and hits the Twist of Fate. Bradshaw comes in so he can dick around with Matt and I have no clue who is the legal man for the Acolytes.
– Bradshaw hits Matt with a Back Suplex off the top and goes for the cover but Jeff makes the save. Jeff nails Bradshaw with Hayes’ walking stick but the future Wrestling Gawd kicks out. Also, the ref has lost track of who is supposed to be the legal man as well since he just counted a pin for Jeff despite Matt never tagging out.
– Great spot as the Hardys go for Poetry in Motion on JBL but, for the second month in a row, it backfires as Jeff gets killed by a Clothesline from Hell. Much like KOTR last month, it’s stupid this month too since that’s not the finish. This match has gone on too long. They are having all these false finishes and the crowd does not care at all.
– With both of his young boys down and out, Hayes goes on a Kamikaze mission as he runs in with his cane and tries to attack the Acolytes. Of course, he gets his ass beat and is quickly killed with a Double Powerbomb to give Bradshaw and Farooq the win. We’re 2/2 when it comes to title changes!
– A mess of a match. There was no thought put into anything they did, they just dicked around for several minutes and had a finish. The Clothesline From Hell spot was awesome but that should have been the end.
– We go TO THE BACK~! where Austin is still searching for Taker’s ass so he can beat it.
– In the interview pit, Kevin Kelly (the only man that’s softer than Drake) is standing by with D-Lo to ask him about his thoughts about his upcoming European Championship match. D-Lo basically says he’s gonna take Mideon’s belt.
Match #3
European Championship
D-Lo Brown vs. Mideon ©
– You know, for all the talk about how over everyone was in the Attitude Era, these crowds do not give a fuck about most of the Ministry of Darkness
– Both men trade punches to start out the match before D-Lo muscles his opponent into the corner and does the 10-punches deal.
– D-Lo continues to run wild as he sends Mideon to the outside and hits him with an impressive Suicide Dive.
– The Brown Man poses for the crowd before getting cut off by the heel and sent into the ring steps. He does it John Cena-style as he basically Shoulder-Tackles the steps and sends them flying.
– Mideon beats on D-Lo on the outside before sending him back into the ring. RESTHOLD TIME~! Randy Orton loves this show.
– D-Lo fights out of a sleeper before getting sent back down to the mat with a Neckbreaker.
– After getting beat on for a bit, D-Lo makes a brief comeback with some Overhand Chops before getting cut off again.
– The announcers speculate on the meaning of Mideon’s shirt.
– D-Lo hits a horrible looking Tornado DDT. They dick around for another minute before D-Lo hits his Sky High powerbomb out of nowhere to no reaction whatsoever. The challenger heads up to the top rope and hits the Frog Splash for the win. NEW CHAMPION!!!
– A nothing match but it was completely inoffensive. For what it’s worth, D-Lo got a good reaction when he won.
– Boy, I can’t think of a better person to represent Europe as it’s champion than a black man from Chicago.
– Austin is still roaming the backstage area for Taker.
– Michael Cole is backstage with Hardcore Champion Al Snow and his trusty companion, Head. Last week on Raw, Snow had Bossman beat him up because he wanted to be put out of his misery. Snow is in full-on psycho mode as he says that he can’t think because of the voices in his head and screams at Cole that he wants Bossman to end it. Um…ok.
Match #4
Hardcore Championship
Al Snow(c) vs. The Big Bossman
– Snow is going cray-cray because someone drove a spike through Head.
“I stand alone in my four cornered room staring at candles.”
– Snow meets Bossman on the ramp as he makes his entrance and begs Bossman to end his suffering. Bossman, being an meanie, decides to beat on Head with his nighstick before finishing Snow off. The champ sells each shot to Head like he is being hit. Eventually, Snow snaps and starts attacking the former CO.
– Bossman starts tossing the champ into various parts of the set before both men brawl their way to the backstage area. Snow briefly gets the upper hand before Bossman uppercuts him in the nuts.
– Bossman hilariously censors himself while trash-talking.
– Snow throws hot coffee all over Bossman who eloquently sells the pain by screaming, “AH SHIT!” To be fair, that’s what everyone says when hot coffee gets spilled on them.
– Snow suplexes Bossman through a table in catering. Bossman no-sells it and somehow gains the advantage, beating on Snow with a sign.
– Bossman tries to run over Snow with a golf cart but it won’t start. This gives Snow the opening he needs to whack Bossman with a plant. Seriously.
– Bossman decides that Snow needs a good ol-fashioned, Cobb County-style ass whooping as he takes off his belt and begins whipping him with it.
– Bossman chokes Snow with the belt before Snow fights back with some wacky martial arts strikes. The match goes out of the building as Bossman hits a Bulldog on the concrete for a near-fall. The challenger threatens to beat the ref’s ass before getting whacked in the head with a Hubcap by Snow.
– I will say, the Hardcore goofiness has lost it’s appeal to me but the verbal exchanges between these two as they beat on each other is pretty entertaining.
– It’s a real-life version of Street Fighter as both men brawl in the streets of Buffalo.
– Snow clearly loves the pain as he has a big smile plastered on his face after getting a bottle broken over his head.
– Time for some police brutality as Bossman handcuffs both of Snow’s arms to a fence and starts beating on him with his riot baton. Snow is eventually knocked unconscious as Bossman puts his foot on Snow’s throat as he is leaning against the fence. For some odd reason, the ref considers this a legal pin, despite Snow’s shoulders not being down at all, and counts the pin. Four title matches, four new champions. This is a very happening show if nothing else.
Snow: Fuck the Police
– In the most disturbing scene that I’ve seen in this review series, Snow has a huge smile on his face with some kind of white liquid dripping down his chin. Thank god, I think it’s just spit. I would post a picture but I’m seriously worried that it might be too much for the site. I have standards, damn it! (EXPERT TIP: Go on the FAN Forums into the thread for this series if you want to see it)
– Match itself was…eh. If you liked the hardcore wackiness of this time, you’ll probably like this match. It didn’t really do anything for me.
– LMAO, Bossman jogs back to the ring to collect his newly won title.
– We get a graphic for our next match, Kane vs. Big Show w/ Hardcore Holly as the special ref. “Up next, what a colossal matchup”- JR. I’m pretty sure that’s the first time anyone has said that about a match involving Holly.
– A video recap explains that Kane and Show have been beefing for a couple of months at this point. At one point, Kane re-aligned with Taker and together, they bloodied up Show.
– SWERVE~! Shortly after that, Kane turned on Taker and laid him out with a Chokeslam after finding out that Taker had taken out his bestie, X-Pac.
Match #5
Special Ref: Hardcore Holly
Kane vs. Big Show
– Before the match, Holly cuts his usual bad promo with Kevin Kelly backstage. He says that he’ll call the match right down the middle and beat the hell out of both men if it comes down to it. lol.
– This match was freaking horrendous last month so let’s hope they can do better this time around.
– Holly gets in both men’s faces before the match.
– Mother of Christ, Show’s tights do not cover his ass well. Oh yeah and he also Gorilla Press Slams Kane to the outside. It was pretty impressive to watch.
– Match goes back in the ring as Kane rattles Show with some open-handed strikes. A brief distraction by Holly, however, puts Show back in control.
– Show chokes Kane with his foot in the corner. Some fan is passionately shouting that Show is a “big homo.”
– Show drops a knee on Kane’s…upper-thigh, I guess.
– Show works over the Big Red Machine for a little bit before telling Holly that he is gonna Powerslam Kane’s ass. He lives up to his promise but it only results in a two count. Holly tells Show that he should have hooked the leg.
– Show tries to drop an elbow on his opponent but Kane moves out of the way. Kane starts making a comeback, culminating in him planting Show with a DDT. Holly gets uppity with Kane for “pulling Show’s hair.”
– “The Kane Clothesline” off the top rope connects as the Big Red Machine looks ready to put this match to bed. He goozles Show for a Chokeslam but is suddenly taken down by a Chop Block from Holly! LOOK AT THE 100 DOLLAR BILLS FALLING FROM HIS POCKETS, BROTHER! This gives Show the opening he needs to hit a Chokeslam of his own and pick up the win after Holly fast-counts a 3.
– Seeing that his big homie is in trouble, X-Pac hits the ring and lays out Holly with a punch before telling him to suck it. The good times don’t last long as the Undertaker hits the ring and lays out Pac with a Chokeslam.
– Show and Taker start double-teaming the babyfaces and the crowd does not like it one bit. Holly apparently has a glass jaw as he is still down from a single punch. Taker leaves the good guys in a broken heap before heading to the back, letting Show celebrate his tainted victory.
– Because he’s a nice guy, Show helps his buddy Holly to the back. The match was a perfectly acceptable big man battle.
– AUSTIN FINALLY FOUND TAKER! In the Gorilla position, The Rattlesnake opens up a fresh can of whoop-ass on Taker, making him bleed in the process. True to his word, Austin has made the main event an even playing field. And I think that’s a damn fine place to take a break.
