In what is being called surprising news to say the least, the WWE has parted ways with the audience participation vacuum known as Alberto Del Rio over a backstage incident which occurred Monday night at a live RAW event. We hereat Wrestletaint.gov have been working feverishly trying to out-scoop all our competitors and we may have just done it.
Rumor is that Alberto Del Rio had pimp slapped WWE Executive and long-time personal hemorrhoid remover for Vince McMahon, Kevin Dunn.
This may or may not be actual evidence in .gif form
According to one of our backstage reporters who pretends to be Brie Bella’s acting coach in order to get behind the scenes, after the Del Rio-Ambrose match Monday night, Del Rio became visibly frustrated over the culmination of months of neglect from the WWE creative staff and decided to take it out on the wimpiest man backstage like it was his first day in prison.
“It looked like a scene from ‘Dynasty'” said our source. “Del Rio came in, sweaty and shirtless looking like a young, Mexican John Forsythe and walked up to Dunn and slapped him across his smacker so fast, I was expecting Dunn to stumble over like Linda Evans and fall over a fancy nightstand holding an antique vase and turn around glassy-eyed with a red hand print covering 60% of his rodent-accented facial features.”
“Everybody was stunned in silence,” said another one of our sources who always tells anyone he meets that he fingerblasted Anna Chlumsky inside a carpet and rug emporium in 2001. “Nobody has ever done anything like that. I mean, sure, everyone has wanted to do it. Jim Cornette said it’s the only thing that can keep him erect anymore. But for someone to finally do it, it was quite an amazing thing to witness. It was the second greatest thing I’ve ever had the pleasure of being a part of, just behind the time I satisfied Anna Chlumsky on top of a bunch of Armenian rugs at a store called Carpet Diem 13 years ago.
The WWE front office had no choice but to terminate Del Rio’s contract. It was seen as a particularly defiant and aggressive move that went beyond holding a fake arm bar hold several seconds after a referee calls for the timekeeper’s bell to be rung.
“His attitude and demeanor has been quite nasty as of late,” said a red-headed, Irish upper midcarder who wished to remain anonymous. “He shows up late, he doesn’t shake anyone’s hand. He called Vince McMahon a Jew a couple of times. He flipped off a Make-a-Wish kid and told the kid that lymphoma was God’s way of separating the weak and timid. And the worst? The guy RSVP’d for my pool party, then didn’t show up. First class asshole if you ask me.”
One thing is for certain. If the reports are true, it’s hard to imagine a man with his attitude finding work in the wrestling business. A business where respect and humility is important to the workplace environment. And if he does find work, it’s gonna be a company that’s insanely desperate for a relatively big name free agent.
TAINTBITS: TNA wants to sign Alberto Del Rio….Speaking of TNA, how bad of shape are they in in you ask? Well Spike TV, the network that gaves us programming involving rednecks getting arrested 12 hours a day, would rather have rednecks getting arrested 14 hours on Thursdays starting in October….Daniel Bryan’s recovery process has been described as ‘turtle-paced’. The company is hoping that he will be back in time for the Royal Rumble. More so because they’re afraid of the fans’ reaction again if those tools foolishly expect for him to show up at the 30 spot without any sort of sign or hint….the WWE Network numbers are very disappointing, but Vince tried to paint a positive spin during the shareholders’ meeting by reminding people that things could be worse and that at least he doesn’t have to be powerbombed through a table. The stock went up $1.25 after this statement…..Expect more plugging for the WWE Network in the coming weeks ahead. Zack Ryder has even offered to get a tattoo of the Network logo on his forehead to get more TV time. Triple H feels that the idea won’t get over…..Cesaro’s push is over. The company was very unhappy with the fans’ positive reaction with Cesaro during Wrestlemania season…..Sting will make his TV debut the night after Summerslam where he will challenge the Undertaker to a First Man Standing match at Wrestlemania 31…..plans are still 50/50 on the WWE Heavyweight Title match later this month between Cena and Lesnar. Because of Lesnar’s part-time schedule, they don’t like the champion being invisible for weeks on end. This is the same reason why the WWE would never give the belt to Kofi Kingston.