The Frozen Envelope

By Zachary Rettig and Liam Bodlak

Return of the King
Z: Last week, the ongoing NBA Silly Season hit its peak when LeBron James announced to Sports Illustrated that he was taking his talents to the frozen wasteland of Northeast Ohio to return to the Cleveland Cavaliers. This is automatically the biggest moment in Cleveland Sporting History, topping the Browns drafting Johnny Manziel. Their pre-Super Bowl NFL Championship ranks third, and the Browns having a competent QB for all of three weeks (how ya doin’ Brian Hoyer?) is fourth. And to think this time a year ago, the only thing Cleveland had going for it in athletic competition was Johnny Gargano. Of course, the forgiveness was shown early and often, reminding me of doing damage control after talking shit about your ex on social media after a few too many drinks. A nearby theme park renamed one of it’s roller coasters after James. Sales of homemade T-Shirts reading (and yes, this is verbatim) “FOR6IVEN, THE KINGDOM RESTORED” went through the roof. And most importantly, we got images like this:

Now this has some serious ramifications, of course. The Cavs are going from laughingstock to contender once again (especially with the pending addition of Kevin Love, who’s currently getting more heat from the T-Wolves faithful than Rusev on the 4th of July), the Heat have been reduced to a Big Two of Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade, and Ohio has somehow become worthy of paying attention to sports-wise outside of College Football season.

Screw You, I’m Going to China: The Emmanuel Mudiay Story
L: Going into this years college basketball season, there were a few givens. Duke, led by the Midwestern connection of Jahlil Okafor and Tyus Jones, would be at least a contender. Kentucky’s stacked team would impress, while visions of NBA groupies and max contracts danced in their heads. ESPN analyst Skip Bayless would have a coronary talking about a draft prospect. Ohio State would have a resurgent season, because God apparently became an Ohio sports fan a few months ago.

But one of the more interesting stories going into the season was Larry Brown’s SMU Mustangs. SMU was mainly known for having such a corrupt football team that they were shut down for a season. Not exactly a great legacy. But, in 2012, they scored big with the hiring of Larry Brown, a coaching vagabond with 13 coaching stops to his name (so far). He’s been around more than Missy Hyatt.

Larry Brown is, without a doubt, one of the greatest coaches in basketball history. He’s won an NBA championship and a NCAA title, and is the only coach ever to do this. So, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that he’s been able to lure top flight talent to SMU. Namely, Emmanuel Mudiay, rivals.com’s number two overall player in the class of 2014. He’s quick, athletic, and unselfish. He’s drawn comparisons to players like John Wall and Penny Hardaway. He’s the centerpiece of Larry Brown’s SMU team, and looks to lead them to new heights. He’s a potential top pick in the 2015 NBA draft. Oh yeah, and he’s skipping college to play overseas.

Yep. Mudiay decided Monday that he wouldn’t go to college, and would instead play overseas. He never specified where, but the Chinese Basketball League has been mentioned as a possible destination. The reasons for this choice are being speculated. Some say he was worried about an NCAA investigation, some say he wasn’t academically eligible to begin with, but family members are saying that he needed the money to provide for his family. Regardless of the reason behind this decision, SMU basketball has been hit hard by the loss of their best player. And Mudiay will have to be content with traveling the world and making hundreds of thousands of dollars straight out of high school.

Die Mannschaft Uber Alles
Z: It’s been about a week since the World Cup Final aired so odds are good most of America has forgotten that it’s happened by now. Heck, I could just turn this segment into “Top Five Internet Reactions to Germany/Brazil” (which I might still do, stay tuned), and nobody will be the wiser because hey, laughing at Brazil has become the it thing to do right now.

But beyond the virtuoso destruction of every Brazilian’s hopes and dreams, you can’t really overstate just how good the Germans were this World Cup. Going by the numbers: 6: Total wins over the entire competition, marred only by a baffling-even-as-it-was-happening draw with Ghana in the Group Stage. 18: Goals scored over the course of the tournament, as opposed to only 4 given up, making for a differential of +14. 1: Goal allowed over their final three games (oddly enough to designated internet punching bag Brazil). 2: Dream scenarios crushed (Brazil goes to the finals, Lionel Messi wins the World Cup and finally takes Argentina from Diego Maradona). 35 Million: United States Dollars that the Germans will be getting for winning the World Cup. Compare that to, say, Spain, who will be getting $8 Million for being miserable failures that couldn’t even beat Chile.

But to their legions of fans, the biggest number of them all is 4. That signifies both the number of World Cups they’ve now won (tying them for 3rd most of any country) and the number of stars they’ll have on their kits when Russia 2018 rolls around. …And since I intended to write more for this, but lost my train of thought, here’s that Top Five I mentioned earlier.

THE TOP FIVE INTERNET REACTIONS TO GERMANY 7-BRAZIL 1

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

Now I would’ve posted that picture from that site, but last I checked this is a family-friendly article. If you’re that desperate to see it again, Google it. It’s not hard.

Trophies
L: Ah, the ESPYs. Where athletes come to awkwardly laugh at jokes about themselves, grown adults wear Ah, the ESPYs. Where athletes come to awkwardly laugh at jokes about themselves, grown adults wear camouflage tuxedos, and the whole shindig is hosted by a Canadian Jewish rapper.

Yep, that’s right. Drizzy Drake was in the house, and he was ready to deliver a kickass opening monologue. And deliver he did. Following in the footsteps of men like Jeff Foxworthy (which is probably the only thing Drake and Jeff Foxworthy have in common), Drake proceeded to monologue like he had never monologued before. Highlights were:

• Drake mentioning LeBron’s return to Cleveland, the crowd popping, and the camera panning to Shabazz Napier looking like he’d rather be anywhere else.

• Drake making a really awkward joke about the Redskins name being racist and the crowd getting really quiet.
• Drake claiming that Johnny Manziel asked Drake to watch the ESPYs and do shrooms with him, with half the crowd laughing and the other half wondering whether or not that was a joke.

• “Richard Sherman pissed off more white people than a Whole Foods parking lot.“
• Drake blowing in Lance Stephenson’s ear, and the both of them double teaming a visibly frightened Paul George. Y’know, last years host sucked, but this one just blows!

• Side note: “A visibly frightened Paul George” describes half of last year’s Eastern Conference Finals.
• Blake Griffin laughing at a Donald Sterling joke, seeing the camera was on him, trying to keep a straight face, then laughing again.

And that was just the opening monologue! The show itself was great. The best parts were:

• Stu Scott and Michael Sam giving “You can cry and nobody will blame you” speeches. Just awesome stuff.

• Kevin Durant winning Best NBA Player. Man, that KD kid can win anything. Except a championship. He can’t win that.
• The Drake vs. Blake skit, featuring Drake and Blake Griffin attempting to ruin each others lives. Highlights of that were Drake (as Blake) claiming that Blake looked like “a black guy who fell in a pit of Cheetos and lied there for like ten days“, and Drake having his appendix removed only to find out the doctors were Blake and Chris Brown.

• Doug McDermott winning Best Male College Athlete. Not bad for a guy who claims to have looked up to Wally Szczerbiak growing up.
• Best Championship Performance went to Kawhi Leonard.
• Worst Championship Performance went to Peyton Manning. Well, it didn’t. But it should have.
• Best NHL Player went to Sidney Crosby. And, if Worst Attempt at Growing a Playoff Beard was an award, he’d have won that too.

All in all, it was a great ESPYs. It had laughter, tears, and everything in between. And, if ESPN decides that Drake won’t be returning as next year’s host, they know who to call to take his place.

R-E-2-P-E-C-T
Z: Our final story this time around takes us to the diamond, Derek Jeter in particular. The soon-to-be-former Yankees Captain’s retirement tour has been the biggest hit in New York since…well, the last Yankee Retirement Tour.

Now look, I’m a Yankee fan myself. I couldn’t be happier that Jeter’s getting a send-off like this, and it really couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. But I’m getting a pretty bad feeling of deja vu from this whole thing. And based upon the media coverage from the past…oh let’s hedge our bets and call it two months, Jeter’s 2-for-2 performance in the All-Star Game this year might be some kind of baseball record for Best Performance in a Game After Being Orally Pleasured.

Anyway, it says something about how ridiculous this is getting when you look at the biggest story people are taking away from the All-Star Game. Now in any other year, the big story would be “Trout Wins MVP”, because that was the type of game that cements a star. Mike Trout has seemingly been “The Man” since he came up for Los Angeles in 2011. And that fact that he’s just 22 years old means that he’s got a long, possibly-legendary career ahead of him. If anything, Trout is going to be the face of the MLB for years to come. But alas, Trout’s game wasn’t the big story coming out of this year’s game.

Yep. Due respect to Clash, but the fact that Wainwright, jokingly or not, grooved a pitch for the Captain’s double in his first at-bat has become the story. And if it were, say, Matt Wieters, on the receiving end a pitch like that, I’d be hard-pressed to find anybody who cared. And this isn’t even the first time this has happened! Remember Cal Ripken Jr? You can bet that he got served up a meatball for that home run he hit in the 2000 All-Star Game. So this isn’t a scenario the likes of which we’ve never seen. The point I’m trying to make is this: it’s OK to talk about the past and the present. But don’t look so far in the past you can’t see what’s coming in the future. That was Trout’s moment, and the post-game hype was surrounding Jeter. Despite my upbringing as a Yankees fan, that just isn’t right to me.