Halfway through “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” I came to a revelation. The protagonist’s name is Justin Henry Carver (Dylan & Cole Sprouse). In the film, he goes to war with Santa. His initials are JHC, the same as Jesus H. Christ. Some say Santa overshadows Jesus’ birthday. In this film, JHC battles Santa. Jesus goes to war with Santa!
Obviously, the filmmakers weren’t attempting to pull that off. The only reason I came to that conclusion was because of how bored I had gotten during this film. It should be noted that “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is one of my least favorite Christmas songs, so taking inspiration from that for a film is a bad sign. Granted, I tolerated this film much more than that dreadful song. Not by much, though.
The story centers around Justin, a precocious (and kind of annoying) goody two-shoes who’s worried his parents may be getting divorced. The thought never crossed his mind until his friend’s parents did. Once that happened, he took every fight his parents had as a sign of divorce. A particular nasty one ends with David (Corbin Bernsen) dressing up as Santa and making out with his wife, Stephanie (Connie Sellecca), to make up. Justin spots this and assumes Santa Claus is trying to steal his mother away from his father.
The first problem I have with this film is the premise that a child wouldn’t want Santa Claus for a father. Don’t get me wrong, I understand Justin loves both of his parents. However, the thought of Santa being your new dad is the ultimate gift for most children. While it would’ve been a much crueler film, I would’ve found it more amusing had Justin tried to make his parents get a divorce, that way Santa can move in.
Instead, we get Justin acting naughty and terrorizing a local mall Santa. His plan is to be so bad that Santa will skip his house this year, thus not being able to see his mother again. This is a novel idea, until you take into account that Santa is still going to come to his house to deliver him some coal. That and nothing will prevent Santa from going down Stephanie’s chimney if he really wants to. A crass joke, I know, but it’s easing the pain.
I’m going to backtrack to Justin waging war with a local mall Santa. To be more specific, it’s a union worker portraying Santa throughout town. His first gig is collecting change outside of a toy store. In the film’s only good joke, Justin confronts him and warns him to stay away from his mother. It’s all downhill from here, as the little kid constantly pelts him with snowballs, causing the man to chase him throughout town. Think “Home Alone” pranks, but not funny. This concludes with a chase through the mall that has Santa ride a scooter. His plan is to catch up with the kid, but everybody knows scooter’s suck and don’t go fast. Stupid Santa!
In between these Santa chases, John Shepphird (who directed and co-wrote with Randy Vampotic, Mike Sorrentino & Steve Jankowski) forces the idea of Santa stealing Stephanie away down our throats. Justin mistakes a call to David as a call to Santa, gets worried when his mother gets a gig at a toy shop and freaks out when his father has to go away on business (thinking he’s been kicked out). This stretches the idea too far and becomes grating.
It baffles me that it took four men to write this script. How hard is it to knock out such a simple premise? Maybe they were all friends and simply started exchanging ideas for the Santa chases. Those pranks are the only thought put into the film and they become redundant. They try to instill some heart into the film, but it comes off like a cheesy Hallmark card. Which is the best way to describe this film.
Final Rating: D+