"Bitch please!"
There have been many female artists over the last twenty or so years who have lain claim to the title, “bad bitch”. Lil Kim and her Hip-Hop mini-me Nicki Minaj both think they are, but just because you are bad at what you do and are bitchy about it, doesn’t make you a “bad bitch”. Beyonce has also been known to be a self-proclaimed “Bad Bitch”, which is really undeniable. Not only did she make songs like “Say My Name” and “Irreplaceable” (solidifying her place as the strongest, most independent woman on the planet who doesn’t need to be) but she also snagged one of our generations greatest Emcees in Jay-Z and then even had the gall to procreate with him (making two super babies, who will either save the music industry or with the help of North West, destroy the world). But there is one lady in the music industry who has never claimed to be a “bad bitch” and that’s because she never had to.
Yeah, you're fierce as fuck. But that's not what this is about.
Loretta Lynn has been putting hoes in their place since the start of her career over 50 years ago. It didn’t matter if her husband, Doolittle “Doo” Lynn, was out drinking on the town looking for strange or some trashy hussy was trying to squeeze her way in between Loretta and her man, because Mrs. Lynn always had a two part answer to these problems; a comeback that started with her first and ended with a song. So here’s an ode to you Loretta, the “baddest bitch” to ever come out of Butcher Hollow (Holler or however you hilljacks say it) or anywhere else.
5. “Women’s Prison”; Van Lear Rose –Loretta caught her husband cheatin’ in a Honky-Tonk with a girl she used to know. Now he’s dead and she’s on death row (I didn’t mean for that to rhyme but for any aspiring rappers reading this, you’re welcome, just put my name somewhere in the liner notes). Moral of the story: Loretta Lynn will catch a case if she catches you running around. How much harder could you be?
Was it worth it? Yes, now you're a movie star too.
4. “Family Tree”; Van Lear Rose – This song is probably her deepest burn on all the woman that have (or have tried to) sleep with her man. She shows up at this hoes house with her kids, but no, she’s not there to fight her (because he isn’t a good enough man for all that trouble), but to show her children the woman that’s destroying their family. That’s got to hurt worse than any verbal or physical abuse Loretta could dish out, then again, those corn-fed country gals probably pack a mean punch.
3. “Fist City”; Fist City – Although this title sounds something in the way of very painful pornography, Loretta is always poised and ready to dish out a good ol’ fashioned, homemade, country-style ass-whoopin’ to any sleazy hussy who tries to get with her hubby. That’s really all you can say, this song (and her fists) speak for themselves.
2. “Don’t Come Home A Drinkin’ (With Lovin’ On Your Mind)”; Don’t Come Home A Drinkin’ (With Lovin’ On Your Mind) – You think you can go out drinkin’ and schemin’ with other girls all night and come back and get some love from your steady woman, Doo? Aww hell no, Loretta don’t play that. This one is for all the man-hoes out there. Loretta’s got your number playas and she don’t want no scrubs (R.I.P. Left Eye).
Sometimes drinking does pay off though...
1. “You Ain’t Woman Enough (To Take My Man)”; You Ain’t Woman Enough – This is number one because it has to be. Loretta is pretty much saying that this girl is like her man’s platonic, ugly friend from high school that never got a shot at him and never will. Basically, she’s not even threatened by her being around. In fact, Loretta is so undaunted by this broad that the girl might as well not even have a vagina because, let’s be real here, she’d have the same chances of stealing her husband if she was a dude (insert “Brokeback Mountain” joke here…lol “insert”). Is she explicitly saying all of these horrible things about this woman on this track? No. But hey, she isn’t not saying them either, am I right?
Author’s note: I couldn’t find any good versions of the first three songs on Youtube because Jack White helped make Van Lear Rose and he’s a dick about copyright. But nonetheless, you guys should check them out :).