In a rare list edition of my review (review) I take a look at some of the best programming that pregnant women and old people have to pick from in-between “The Price is Right” and the evening news. I’ve spent a lot of afternoons as a kid and then a lazy college student watching daytime television. I would normally go outside or play video games because the choices are awful. For that pregnant woman or old person who can’t go outside or play video games (confirmed by my mom) the soap opera is the only alternative. Granted the last time my mom was pregnant was 1989 before the internet and I’m fairly certain she’d pick that now. Without further stalling, here are the top ten soap operas of all time….according to what comes up first in a Google search IN THE TITLE OF THE LINK when simply searching the words “soap opera” (in descending order of course).
10. “Guiding Light”
Barely beating out two shows with the word world in them, “Guiding Light” is the tenth show title I found when Google searching the words “soap opera”. Starting as a radio show in 1937, this program amassed a whopping 18,262 episodes by the time it went off CBS’ airwaves in 2009. It really ran too long for me to dive into any story or character development (like most of these thank god) but ending the show with a picnic sounds about right.
9. “Days of Our Lives”
One of the few survivors of the recent soap opera purge that networks are doing, “Days of Our Lives” continues to provide a place for actors that aren’t very good. This program focuses on the Horton family and the Brady tribe. I’m sure they’re at odds. Wikipedia seems very impressed that Julia Roberts appeared on the show. They are at 12,000 episodes and running. Macdonald Carey starred as the main character Dr. Horton from 1965 to 1994 until he died due to complications from lung cancer.
8. “All My Circuits”
Oh my was I excited when this came up. This “show” I know something about. Set in the “Futurama” universe, “All My Circuits” stars numerous robot actors and one human. Calculon stars in this fantastically dramatic series. His twin brother and wife often fool around behind his back and the whole cast has been stricken with amnesia multiple times. I assume the show is cancelled because in recent “Futurama” episodes Calculon has perished; in a most dramatic way. And so has the show having been cancelled again. Dave is sad.
7. “All My Children”
Ending with a meager 10,712 episodes, “All My Children” ended its 41 year run on ABC in 2011. Don’t be too sad because The Online Netowork is set to start airing new episodes in 2013. This is perfect for someone who wants to watch soap operas and play Farmville at the same time. The program ended with a cliffhanger so thank god I’m not going to be left hanging.
6. “One Life to Live”
Here we have another production being re-launched on the web this year that barely cracked the 11,000 episode mark. I don’t like soap operas, but it’s kind of sad to see something that’s been in existence since 1968 just get smacked around and ended. This show features more wealthy white people doing scandalous things. The only thing interesting here is when in 2002 when they released a doll based on character Todd Manning as he was super cool at the time. The bored citizens of the world said he shouldn’t be marketed since his character raped someone in 1993. That’s a load! Ray Lewis can testify that if enough time passes even a suspected murderer can be the star of the Super Bowl.
5. “Muhtesem Yuzyil”
I know the four of you still reading are like, “What the hell is that?” To you I repsond: A soap opera glamorizing and dramatizing the Ottoman Empire’s Sultan Suleyman and his life. If you are still curious, Google brought this program up because RTUK and Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan threatened the show for misrepresenting historical figures and making a mockery of a great historical figure. Despite the protests from a group designed to censor, the show remains popular. TAKE THAT TIPPY GORE!
4. “Passions”
If I remember right this is the only soap opera I’ve really seen any of. That’s because I’d come home from high school and my sister would be watching it. I’ll clarify that I mean daytime soap opera. She’s had me sit through “Degrassi”, “One Tree Hill” and other teenage dramas, but I think this is the only soap she submitted to. Luckily she’s over it. I did appreciate the diversity of this program though. They had a white family, a black family, a Hispanic/Irish family and even a town witch. Talk about mixed!
3. “General Hospital”
This show has been running since 1963. It’s listed as the longest running soap opera on the air by Guinness (according to Wikipedia) which seems to be inaccurate based on the very little research I’ve done for this. Oh well. The only reason I’ve ever noticed the show is because James Franco was on it for some reason.
2. “The Bold and the Beautiful”
This only has 6,000 episodes? Really? You call yourself the second thing Google brings up when I searched “soap operas” this particular day? You’re less impressive than any other “Five times weekly airing episodic staged drama” I’ve ever seen. This program also only predates my life by two years! Most of this list predates my mother’s birth by decades. This is the sister show to #1 on my list. William and Lee Bell sure know how to write meaningless dreck. If there is anything I’d rather be than bold and beautiful it’s…
1. “The Young and the Restless”
I know that was sloppy. “I’d rather be the young and the restless” doesn’t make sense. I took a shot. I’m only expecting my mom to be reading still anyway and she’ll forgive me. I think the Bells discovered the key to naming a soap opera; use two adjectives. That’s it. I’m developing the show “Listless and Attractive” coming out this fall. That’s a lie. Calling some of the people featured in the show “young” is a lie too. They may or may not be restless.
That’s my venture into the world of list making and soap operas. I’m not so comfortable with either. I hope you enjoyed it. Next week I’ll likely go back to being verbose about a cartoon.
