Incase you haven't figured it out yet, this post is NOT about Basketball, but hey shout out to the UC Bearcats!!!
Its March and its time for MARCH MADNESS!
That’s right!!! The nation’s best college basketball teams will clash in the most intense tournament in sports, but here on the Freakin’ Awesome Network a clash of an epic proportion even more shocking, upsetting, and heartbreaking than the NCAA tournament will be taking place.
We (by we I mean I) have gathered 32 of the worst bands and artists in popular music to clash against one another to see who really is the worst band in the world. These 32 all have the credit they need to claim the top spot in cock-rock immortality, but only one will be crowned the king of pop trash.
First, a little serious talk: I omitted all Hip-hop and R&B (except Black Eyed Peas) and Country artists from this list. Hip-hop and R&B was omitted because I don’t know enough about the genre for my opinion to have any sort of weight in these critiques of horrible bands. Country music was omitted for a completely different reason. If I allowed Country music on this list my ego would not be able to withhold myself from making this bracket almost entirely Country Artists and that’s just not fair to all of the bands and artists in the rock, alternative, indie, and pop genres I wanted to include. So really this is the worst bands in Pop and Rock history.
Brief disclaimer: I am an asshole, this list was comprised completely based on my opinion, but to prove that I am not a complete douche I threw some artists that I like under the bus as well. For example, two of my favorite bands of all time, Stone Temple Pilots and Hole’s lead singer Courtney Love are on this bracket. Also, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Coldplay, The Eagles, Avenged Sevenfold, and, yes, even Kid Rock and Limp Bizkit are all bands that I enjoy and are on this bracket. I may be an ego maniac, but as a critic I give credit where credit is due, but I am also aware of their flaws and set backs. If there are bands you like on this list, I am truly sorry for insulting your taste, but I am not sorry for what I am about to say about these bands.
But hey, we got some matches to get to. I guarantee you that I really didn’t know how the bracket system I used worked so these match ups are all at random except for one that I manipulated because I wanted them to be up against each other. You’ll be able to figure out which one I set up, its pretty obvious. Without further adue lets take a look at our first round match ups.
Bold lettering means that the band is the winner.
1. Nickelback Vs. 32. Stone Temple Pilots – I admit it, STP’s first album was nothing but a collection of songs that for the most part mimicked all of the other bands of the 90’s that came before them like Nirvana, Alice in Chains, and, especially, Pearl Jam. Also, their latest self-titled album that came out in 2010 is not even worth going into why it isn’t good, but with their catalog between Core and the Self-titled sixth album and their influence on rock music, I feel like I don’t really need to explain why STP is better than Nickelback. Nickelback wins this one by a land slide.
16. Kid Rock vs. 17. Hoobastank – In what is sure to be the upset of the first round Hoobastank out cock-rocks the American Badass Kid Rock! While both rockers started their generically bland careers in the late 90s and early 2000s, Kid Rock has proven that he can bring his right winged, red-neck bigotry to places outside of his nu-metal and hip-hop roots. A guy who is willing to try new things deserves to be placed in higher esteem than the band behind “The Reason” and almost nothing else. Hoobastank advances to the next round.
8. Savavge Garden vs. 25. Poison – Bret Michaels and crew may have just been a band that was made for their time, but Savage Garden took alternative-rock and brought it to a place that it was never meant to go, boarder-line boy band.
9. Kings of Leon vs. 24. Bon Iver – “Don’t you just love Bon Iver, he’s such a great artist,” says half of his fans. When your fans can’t even tell your band name for a person’s name it truly shows how clueless people are about you. Kings of Leon may be the Nickelback of Indie-rock, but I’ll take them any day over a band with a guy who is trying way to hard to be Jeff Buckley. Bon Iver advances to the next round.
4. Dave Matthews Band vs. 29. Fun. – Its really a matter of Frat-rock vs. IndieFrat-rock. Fun. have become a household name literally overnight, but so did Dave Matthews Band. It’s a close match, but it really comes down to this: point to Dave Matthews Band for being the epitome of Bro-rape jokes and for their fans being so wasted at shows that they don’t even remember their concerts. I feel sorry for them, but they deserve the win.
13. N-Sync vs. 20. Backstreet Boys – The most interesting and possibly most important match up today. Truthfully, Backstreet Boys is better than N-Sync in every way. Catchier songs, catchier name, and for their time they were about as marketable as unicorn that shat gold bricks, but unfortunately for the Backstreet Boys, N-Sync has an ace in the hole. With no JT there would be no Social Network and there would certainly be no “FutureSex/LoveSounds.” N-Sync introduced us to one of the greatest pop-icons of all time. Backstreet Boys gave us Lance Bass……. BSB advances!
5. The Eagles vs. Mumford and Sons – Truly the Eagles pioneered the repetitive and generic “pop sound” and The Dude really doesn’t abide to their music, but The Eagles also had Joe Walsh and Joe Walsh is the man. Mumford and Sons have single after single of chew it up and spit it out of American Red-Neck wannabe folk-pop. Seriously, the Brits can do so much better. On goes Mumford and Sons.
12. Jonas Brothers vs. 3 Days Grace – Nickelback is diet Creed and 3 Days Grace is Diet Nickelback. Diet is always worse, but 3 Days Grace has a little more integrity than the Jonas Brothers and even singer Adam Grontier knew when it was time quit. Also, they weren’t responsible for the dark-side of the empire that is Disney. As for the Joe Bros, I’m a type 1 diabetic too and I’m sorry Nick Jonas, but its not nearly as big of a deal as you made it out to be. Joe Bros FTW-ish.
2. Creed vs. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Creed advances… I can’t say it any better than that.
15. Fall Out Boy vs. 18. Owl City – Fall Out Boy, that’s the punch-line, it doesn’t even need a set up, but hey Owl City? Postal Service called and they want their songs back. Go forth Owl City and take your place of “greatness.”
7. Coldplay vs. 26. Phish – I don’t get Phish. I really don’t. I really don’t get jam bands in general, but I do know one thing. Phish at least knows that a song doesn’t have to be the same chord progression over and over again for 5 minutes. Coldplay advances.
10. Avril Lavinge vs. 23. Courtney Love – To this day, people still believe that Courtney Love is responsible for Kurt Cobain’s death, but she’s also an Oscar nominated Actress for her role in a great movie and is the voice behind Hole and their albums “Pretty on the Inside” and “Live Through This.” However, the main reason why Avril Lavinge advances to the next round is because un-like the allegations against Love (which I personally do not believe), Avril Lavinge isn’t responsible for the death of her own rock-star sweetheart yet (Chad Kroeger of Nickelback).
3. Limp Bizkit vs. Death Cab For Cutie – Death Cab for Cutie is the most boring band I have ever listened to, but they don’t make me cringe like some of Fred Durst’s lyrical non-sense. Limp Bizkit Keeps on Rollin’ to the next round baby!
14. New Metallica vs. 19 LMFAO – Well, New Metallica is still Metallica (“Kill em’ All” that is all) and fortunately for them LMFAO is still LMFAO. LMFAO advances!
6. Black Eyed Peas vs. 27. 311 – Listen up stoners, there are literally dozens of better options for your stoner rock fix than 311 (Incubus, Queens of the Stone Age, hell even Phish), but the Black Eyed Peas have been responsible for some of the most horrendous and despicable songs ever put in pop music radio’s rotation. Fergie pissing herself was more artistic than anything her band has put out. Black Eyed Peas advance.
11. One Direction vs. 22. Avenged Sevenfold – My heart and soul goes out to the Rev who was probably the best drummer in modern popular metal, but after “Waking The Fallen” Avenged’s career took a turn to the New Metallica. However as tacky and witless the lyrics “YOUR FUCKIN’ NIGHTMARE” are for a chorus, “You don’t know you’re beautiful, that’s what makes you beautiful” has to be the most hilariously degrading and ignorant lines to describe women ever to grace the pop charts. The final match of round 1 goes to One Direction.
And there you have it folks, round one has officially come to a close. Be sure to join me next week as I break down the quarter-finals, also known as “The Sickening Sixteen.”
Follow the bracket here.