Welcome, one and all, to another edition of Movienalia! I was able to escape Camp Rock and hide out at a local camp. Unluckily for me, it turned out to be Camp Fred. Leaving Camp Rock was the biggest mistake of my life! I’d gladly take the Jonas Brothers over Fred Figglehorn any day of the week! But, I’m stuck here.
So kick back, relax, grab your bug spray and enjoy my torture of “Camp Fred”!
-We open with a shot of Fred sleeping. Give this film a few minutes and the audience will join him.
-Fred is singing. He’s not going to Camp Rock, is he?
-Fred wears his school clothes underneath his pajamas. Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?
-Fred wears a toupee to cover up not only his bald spot (!), but the phrase “I Love Today” written on his head in marker. Okay then.
-Why does Fred have dancers that live in his house, waiting for his queue for a musical number?
-Fred’s mother walked in on him singing and said he doesn’t need a flashy opening number to get people to like him. Trust me, she’s right. No matter what he does, I won’t like him.
-It’s the last day of school, hence why Fred is so excited. Is he so excited that his hair fell out, causing his baldness?
-“The best day of school is the last day of school!” Unless you’re a parent. Then the first day of school is the best day of school.
-“Goodbye geometry! Goodbye home room!” How does one lump home room in with geometry? One’s a class most people don’t like. The other’s the time of day when you sit with friends and do nothing.
-“No more wet willies, no more spitballs in your hair.” If I recall correctly, didn’t Fred’s bullies pick on him at home, too? If so, he’s in store for a summer full of wet willies and spitballs.
-Fred made a joke about bad lunch food. He’s like that stand up comedian nobody likes.
-Fred is going postal on meatloaf. I can’t wait for “Fred 4: Insane Asylum Fred”.
-If Fred is constantly bullied, how was he able to convince the entire school populace to partake in a huge musical number?
-It turns out the entire musical number was all in his head. He’s been sitting in his desk singing aloud to everybody’s chagrin. Once again, I can’t wait for “Fred 4: Insane Asylum Fred”.
-Kevin shot a spitball at Fred. Didn’t he become friends with him in the last movie? Or am I just imaging things? I’ve done my best to erase the last two films from my memory, so it’s possible I’m imagining things.
-Fred’s friend punched him for thinking about going to Camp Superior. A weird reason to punch someone, but I’ll let it slide (since Fred got punched).
-“I’m allergic to kumbaya.” Jokes like this were missing in my life since the last “Fred” film. I was hoping I would never find them.
-Fred believes that all camps have monkey butlers. I swear if they give him a monkey to partner with, I’m quitting Movienalia.
-“Things aren’t going to be the same without you around here, Figglehorn.” It’ll be peaceful.
-Fred got punched again. If this keeps up, this film will be tolerable.
-“Can you believe I’m actually going to Camp Superior?” I couldn’t care less, to be honest.
-There’s a Summer Camp magazine?
-Fred’s mother signed him up for Camp Iwannapeepee. Who the hell would name their camp that?!?
-Fred just asked the same question I did (without the hell). When the annoying main character thinks the camp name is dumb, that means you don’t use it.
-Fred passed out. Can he stay unconscious for the rest of the film, please?
-Fred’s fantasy consists of him dying and haunting his mother because she sent him to the wrong camp. What an asshole!
-“This is going to be the worst summer ever!” Mine was going fine until you churned out another film.
-Why doesn’t Fred just cancel his trip to Camp Iwannapeepee and get a refund?
-The Camp Iwannapeepee bus is broken down and driven by the chubby guy from “Accepted”. Oh, how his career has taken a turn for the worse.
-The bus driver just admitted to almost crashing the bus. Why would he admit to that?
-Fred is being forced onto the bus. Once again, why doesn’t he just cancel and get a refund? I guess his mother doesn’t want him around for the summer. Can’t say I blame her.
-Fred is throwing a hissyfit on the bus. Ugh!
-Fred whined the entire bus ride. Why didn’t somebody just smack him to shut him up?
-Tom Arnold works at Camp Iwannapeepee. Even for a D-list celebrity, this is sad.
-Camp Iwannapeepee doesn’t have smores because Tom Arnold is allergic to marshmallows. That doesn’t make any sense. As long as he doesn’t come into contact with them, he should be fine. Everybody else can still have some.
-Tom Arnold told the kids they can call him anything. Can I call him washed up?
-Camp Iwannapeepee is apparently an old Cherokee term for blessed ray of sunshine. I believe it’s actually a Nickelodeon term for cheap joke.
-The official camp greeting is “Iwannapeepee on you. Iwannapeepee on you. Iwannapeepee on all of you.” Not only is this a cheap joke, it’s also kind of creepy. Having a grown men say he wants to piss on children is disgusting and not age appropriate.
-They have a horse with three legs. Is that supposed to be funny?
-The only food they serve is gruel and gluten free gruel. At least they got something accurate.
-The chubby driver is also the cook, counselor, lifeguard and various other jobs. The one thing he is not is a successful actor.
-The cook made a needlepoint of him needle pointing. Redundant joke is redundant.
-They also serve bug juice and diet bug juice. That isn’t as accurate.
-Fred’s new friend is nicknamed Magoo because he wears glasses. Was four eyes taken?
-“That’s Chatter. Don’t mind him. He never talks.” Oh, I get it. He doesn’t talk, but his nickname is Chatter. It’s an oxymoron. It’s not funny, but I get it.
-The one girl’s nickname is Spoon because she’s always eating. She’s perfectly healthy, though. I guess it would have been too cruel to cast an overweight girl for the role. You know how they could have avoided that? By not creating the character in the first place.
-The one guy’s nickname is Dig because he digs holes. Does he have a friend nicknamed Dug?
-Of course the camp nurse is drop dead gorgeous. She’ll also probably make Fred feel good about himself and give him a peck on his cheek. I hate this movie!
-Chatter just burped. Laugh, damn you!
-Tom Arnold got a mosquito bite, which caused a huge bump on his forehead. Not only is this a clichéd joke, but it’s one that was never funny.
-Why would you order a trophy case if you don’t have any trophies? Does Camp Iwannapeepee like to remind themselves that they’re failures?
-Camp Superior has defeated Camp Iwannapeepee at the Summer Camp Games for sixty-nine years (I wonder if that’s an inside joke from the writers). Now that they have Fred, they’ll finally win. Ugh!
-Fred can’t find his cabin. Oh, the hilarity.
-There’s an old man in the bushes who wants to give Fred something. Since this is a Nickelodeon movie, all he wanted to give him was a map of the campground.
-The man trying to help Fred (by being creepy) is called Scary Gary. Oh, I get it. It rhymes. It’s not funny, but I get it.
-Murray (the cook) is dating the hot nurse. And by dating, he means he hasn’t even talked to her yet. This movie is funny! And by funny, I mean stupid!
-Fred’s cabin is a dump that has broken doors and wobbly beds. I know this is aimed at kids, but even they can spot these jokes coming from a mile away.
-The bathroom is a dirty outhouse. How much do you want to bet somebody gets stuck in there and it gets tipped over? I’m hoping it happens to Fred.
-“If you have to use it at night, bring a buddy.” I don’t like the idea of shit buddies.
-Murray fell into the outhouse years ago and got stuck there for five years. Will lightning strike twice for a cheap gag?
-Fred hates Camp Iwannapeepee. I hate him. The world keeps turning.
-“I can be a pretty bad dude if I want to be!” No, you can’t.
-Fred is trying to tunnel his way out of Camp Iwannapeepee. Couldn’t he just walk off camp and try to hitchhike? It’s not safe, but neither it tunneling.
-Fred got caught trying to escape by the counselors, who are sporting army gear and carrying guns. They’re taking their jobs way too seriously (and violently).
-“Do you know what happens to kids who try to escape Camp Iwannapeepee?” Murray never told us what happens to them. My guess is they get stuck making terrible Nickelodeon movies. Oh, wait…
-Murray actually did tell us what happens when kids try to escape. We’re shown Fred’s body parts cut up into the gruel, including a shot of his head in the gruel pan. A bit dark for a Nickelodeon film, don’t you think?
-Fred woke up from a nightmare at his house, but started speaking in a normal voice. He addressed this by saying, “I dreamt I had this sped-up chipmunk voice that got really annoying after awhile.” Instead of addressing the film’s faults, why not fix them?
-Scary Gary was dressed as Fred’s mother. Way to give children worldwide nightmares, Nickelodeon.
-Fred woke up screaming in his chipmunk voice. If they’re willing to address it’s annoying, why not have him stop using it? Just say he hit puberty and his voice developed.
-Why would you announce to the entire camp that it’s a good day to go swimming, only to immediately follow that up by stating not to as they you haven’t finished cleaning up an oil spill? Oh, right, so you can have a cheap gag of a kid jumping into the water and emerging all messy.
-John Cena emerged from a random refrigerator in the woods (just go with it) to give Fred an inspirational speech. Please beat the snot out of him again!
-“Life gives you a problem, you just have to put it in a headlock.” What happens when life gives you lemons, John? Do you put it in a sloppy STF?
-Cena body slammed Fred. Hooray!
-“You got problems with your girl son, I’m there for you! You think your music teacher’s a vampire, I’ve got no problem body slamming him! But, this place, you’re on your own.” You heard it here, folks. John Cena’s kryptonite is summer camps. If you ever wind up wrestling him, make sure to drag him to a summer camp.
-Wait a minute. Does this mean Cena’s not showing up again in the film? Son of a bitch! He was the only tolerable thing about the first two films.
-John Cena couldn’t leave without saying his catchphrase. What, no plug for WWEShop.com?
-We cut to a random scene of Fred’s mother forcing a pizza delivery guy to give her a massage. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go throw up.
-According to Spoon, Fred sounds like a little girl laughing when he cries.
-Fred wiped his tears with poison ivy. Another telegraphed joke, another eye roll from me.
-Why does the poison ivy rash make Fred look like a lesser Freddy Krueger?
-“Who knew something called poison ivy would hurt so much?” Uma Thurman apparently didn’t know.
-The nurse is so stupid she gave Fred toothpaste to cure his poison ivy. Let that be a lesson to you girls out there. If you’re pretty, you don’t have to be smart. This message brought to you by your good friends at Nickelodeon.
-Tom Arnold is telling a ghost story. Is it about his marriage to Roseanne Barr?
-Scary Gary has a scary story to tell. No kidding?
-Why does Scary Gary’s story include a flashback to Fred in 1988? Is he insinuating there’s more than one Fred? That is scary!
-The story revolves around a monster with a crocodile’s head, the body of a bear and the antlers of a moose. This creature will soon have his own movie on the SyFy network.
-Fred got his head bitten off. Hooray!
-Who the hell goes to the length of creating a crocodile headed, bear bodied and antlered suit for a cheap scare/gag?
-Fred started beating the creature with a stick. It turned out to be Murray .Beat him some more!
-“I’m really sorry for beating you senseless with a log!” Don’t apologize. That was actually funny, which doesn’t happen often in your films.
-Fred spotted his new friends and Scary Gary carrying around what appears to be a body. Maybe the director passed out after he finally realized what film he was directing.
-The campers keep getting sick as each day goes by. They’re probably faking it so they can get out of this movie.
-Fred spotted Tom Arnold and Murray sneaking pills into the gruel. Why not report it to the cops? We just seen one catch you after trying to escape.
-Fred got his hand stuck in a mouse trap. Woo hoo!
-Fred sent his mother a letter via slingshoted mouse. Why not just mail it like a normal person?
-“Time to put on my thinking mustache!” You need a mustache to think?
-“Okay mustache, time to get to thinking!” Swimming in cow manure sounds more appealing than watching this at this point.
-Fred is telling us what cheeses he likes. How thin was the script?
-Fred came to the conclusion that Tom Arnold’s joke about one of the campers brain turning into melted swiss cheese means that he’s killing them with the blue pills (by turning their brain into swiss cheese) and buries them in a rat hole for Tom Arnold, who‘s actually a giant rat, to eat the corpse. Once again, I can’t wait for “Fred 4: Insane Asylum Fred”.
-Fred’s hamster made it to his house, but his mother is too busy eating pizza with the pizza delivery guy to notice it. I repeat, the hamster actually made it to his house. I’m more interested in it’s journey there than Fred’s ordeal at Camp Iwannapeepee.
-Fred is eating grass and tree bark. This is fucking stupid!
-Fred wasn’t sure if the berries he was about to eat were poisonous or not, so his master plan to find out is to eat them to see if they are or not. If he keeps doing stupid stuff like this, he’ll be dead by twenty-one.
-The berries are making Fred hallucinate. What?!?
-Fred is rapping with the crocodile headed, bear bodies and antlered creature. HELP ME!
-Fred just puked onto the camera. Funny, I feel like doing the same thing right about now.
-The nurse misheard Murray asking her out as licking a possum baby. What?!?
-How do you mishear “Go on a date with me?” as “Goat meat”? She’s making Fred look like a genius.
-The kids are taking Fred to the rat hole. I hope they lock him in there for the rest of the movie! Fill up the rest of the time with a match between John Cena and Tom Arnold.
-It turns out the rat hole is a secret hangout that they’ve allowed Fred access to. What convinced them that he’s cool enough for the rat hole? Was it drying his tears with poison ivy or eating poisoned berries?
-They have a soda shooter in the rat hole and a can hit Fred in the head at full force. That almost makes up for the many dumb jokes I’ve endured. Almost.
-The kids give Scary Gary money to get them supplies for the rat hole. Where are they getting the money?
-The pills being inserted into the gruel are multi vitamins. So, there’s no conflict at all for this film outside of the fact that Fred sucks?
-All of the kids getting sick was them just faking it to see the hot nurse. I was close.
-Scary Gary got them a firework called “El Diablo”. If they set it off, wouldn’t that kind of blow their cover? Tom Arnold would assume something fishy was going in and most likely stumble upon their scheme.
-“El Diablo” was a dud, just like this movie.
-Turns out “El Diablo” just has a delayed start. I’d like to say just like this movie, but this film will never pick up.
-The firework blew up the outhouse to reveal a kid reading a magazine while pooping. How pleasant.
-I completely forgot about the Summer Camp Games. Way to build that up.
-“Yeah, because losing is so cool!” Is it really smart to have Fred make this sarcastic comment when playing this character is the pure definition of losing? Fine, so it’s given the actor a career and financial gain, which technically isn’t losing. It’s just so stupid! Let me be angry!
-I forgot to mention there’s a camper at the camp that can do everything and looks to be giving Camp Iwannapeepee their first victory. I’d rather watch a film about him.
-Fred couldn’t think of the antonym for inferior, so he used the made up word ‘beterrer’. If I pretend to be sick like the kids from earlier, can I go to the nurse and not have to finish this movie?
-“What does Camp Superior have that we don’t have here?” Talent and a budget.
-Fred’s friends signed up for the Summer Camp Games, but he didn’t because he didn’t want to lose. But, he’s losing by not even trying.
-Kevin, Fred’s bully, is the team captain for Camp Superior. Shouldn’t this make him happy that he didn’t attend a camp where his enemy could constantly harass him?
-Fred didn’t care about Camp Iwannapeepee until Kevin said it stinked. What camp spirit.
-Fred’s going to compete in the Summer Camp Games to beat Kevin. Oh joy.
-Fred and Kevin are having a dance off. It’s like watching two fish suffocating on dry land.
-“Mostly, I’ll do it for me, because man do I hate Kevin!” Fred is a selfish prick.
-Why isn’t the talented hunk on Camp Iwannapeepee’s team? Did he break his leg off screen?
-Tom Arnold got a bee sting and he now resembles a blowfish. Laugh, damn you!
-“I can’t wait to watch you watch me win that trophy!” What?!?
-Tom Arnold’s inspirational speech is “I’ve got nothing!” Was he quoting the writers?
-It turns out the hunk is on the team. Where was he during the stare off?
-Fred accidentally hit the hunk with a javelin. Oh come on!
-Fred threw the javelin backwards and almost impaled one of his teammates. STOP LETTING HIM DO THINGS!
-“If sports movies have taught us anything, it’s that the underdogs always win.” Except for the movies where the underdogs lose, but go down with a fight.
-Camp Superior is up by ten points. My IQ is down by ten points.
-What Summer Camp Games has checkers as part of it’s competition?
-Camp Superior is destroying Camp Iwannapeepee. I shouldn’t be happy about this, as they’re the villains, yet I am.
-Tom Arnold is celebrating his team having zero points. Was that supposed to be funny?
-There’s a running gag of Kevin and his partner having a secret handshake that they both can’t remember. I’d complain about it being inane, but that’s becoming redundant.
-“We’re not the worst. We’re the best at being the worst!” Just shut up, Fred!
-If you’re the best at being the worst, that means you’re terrible. Stop making it sound as if you’re not.
-If they wanted an unorthodox inspirational speech, why not have Fred say they may not be physically gifted, but are talented in other departments and should focus on that.
-A burping contest? Really?!?
-Camp Iwannapeepee won the burping contest. Is that even an accomplishment?
-Spoon won the pie eating contest. This made Chatter fall in love with her. Whatever.
-Dig won the arm wrestling contest. He must have been trained by Sylvester Stallone.
-Chatter won the jousting competition after his opponent said Spoon looked like a man. That joke doesn’t even work as she clearly looks like a girl.
-They’re having an archery competition to tap into “The Hunger Games” crowd, aren’t they?
-Fred’s peaceful, serene place to focus is a white room where a monkey butler (a man in a terrifying monkey costume) feeds him. His peaceful place is my new nightmare fuel. Wonderfu.
-I know I said I’d quit Movienalia if Fred teamed up with a monkey, but this isn’t a real monkey. Therefore, Movienalia continues.
-Fred won the archery competition. I’m willing to suspend disbelief, but this is stretching it.
-Tom Arnold thinks Fred is the One. I too think he’s the One. The One to make me lose faith in humanity.
-The final competition is a song writing competition. If Fred raps again, I’m going to be pissed!
-Fred just said he’s the best singer in the world. William Hung is better than he is.
-“It’s not my fault I’ve got this gift.” You call this a gift, Fred?
-Kevin has a Plan B. What is it, fire his agent?
-Camp Superior is rapping. They’re better than Fred rapping, at least.
-Simon Cowell is a celebrity judge for the games. And by Simon Cowell, they mean a stoner that just happens to be named Simon Cowell. What a lame joke!
-Camp Iwannapeepee’s song is called “The Loser Song”. Who wrote it, Peter DeLuise?
-Kevin’s Plan B is a gruel blaster. Really?!?
-Fred’s singing makes me want to cut my ears off with a rusty nail.
-Remember that scene in “Revenge of the Nerds” where the nerds perform that awesome concert? This scene is a lot like that, except this time it’s not entertaining.
-“There’s nothing wrong with being losers.” Except for the losing part. That sucks!
-Not only can Spoon eat a lot, but she can sing too. Not only do I not care about Fred, but I don’t care about Spoon, either.
-Chatter is singing. Oh my God! What a stunning revelation! And by stunning revelation, I mean telegraphed stupidity.
-Camp Iwannapeepee wins the trophy. Iwannapukepuke.
-Kevin’s gruel blaster failed to work until he got on stage. It still malfunctioned, but it sucked off his clothes (sans his boxers) instead. How does that even work?
-Spoon kissed Chatter. What a great finish for a storyline that got barely any build.
-Tom Arnold is sad that the summer is over. Why? Now he can pick up his paycheck and pretend this never happened.
-Murray got the hot nurse. Boo!
-Tom Arnold crying while saying he wants to pee on his campers is downright frightening.
-Fred made a joke that it’s hard to keep in touch these days by naming off the many ways to do so. I’ll give them credit for attempting to make a clever joke, but they still failed.
-Fred’s mother (who somehow got a tan indoors) is picking him up at Camp Iwannapeepee with the pizza delivery guy. Is she blackmailing him or is he just insane?
-Fred hasn’t pooped since he got to Camp Iwannapeepee. He may want to get that checked.
That’s “Camp Fred”! I really hope there isn’t a fourth one, as I don’t know how much more I can stomach. At least the first two had John Cena beating the crap out of Fred. He only shows up once and hits a measly body slam. What we get in return is Tom Arnold, who I actually like, but is utterly wasted here. I’m at the one point where I can’t even get angry at Fred anymore. I’m just sadly numb to him.
I’ll see you all next week!
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