It started out awesome, looks like Skyrim! But then...
I do not like this movie. For anyone who thought I would give a thumbs up to any porn movie, welcome to my breaking point.
Emotionally, I am furious, disgusted, and disappointed by this movie. So don’t expect this to be too much like my other reviews from earlier this year, because this movie doesn’t deserve the lavish fanboy comics lessons I had so much fun with before. I had planned on it; I was really looking forward to talking about Legends of the Dark Knight, the best Batman series of the 90’s, and it’s high points starring characters from this film. But no, I’ll be saving those for a more positive day.
There’s two sex scenes here, out of five total, that ruin the film for me. The first and the last. I’ll talk about them first.
The opening scene (after we see Bruce traipsing to High Hrothgar) shows the Joker holding both Commissioner Gordon and Batgirl captive. He unmasks Batgirl to discover he’s his daughter, and then rapes her in front of him. He follows this up by shooting her in the back.
I can't fap to this.
I guess they were going for a nod to ‘The Killing Joke’. But I don’t enjoy rape. And, my comic-sensibilities are forcing me to point out Joker did not rape Babs in that comic, as people mistakenly seem to believe. He’s many things, but not a rapist.
The final scene is Batman’s confrontation with Bane. It may seem like I’ve jumped ahead, but since there’s really no story at all you’re not missing anything. Batman beats Bane, then is betrayed by Catwoman. He beats her pretty easy, then frees Kathy Kane, his former fiancee. She proceeds to stab him, saying she likes a winner. Which Batman clearly fucking was in this situation. Then Bane nonchalently breaks his back, and Bane and the two woman have sex to celebrate.
The end.
Seriously? I know Batman can be dark, but this is ridiculous. Especially when compared to Axel Braun’s previous Batman movie, which was modeled after the 60’s tv show. I just hated the tone and the characters in this film so, so much.
The next most offensive scene involves Nightwing and Batman squaring off over Poison Ivy. Batman says she’s going to poison the city, Nightwing says “na-uh”. Then Batman beats him up, and leaves so Richard can dick Ivy’s flower. Then as soon as he does, Batman pops back in, knocks him out, and destroys a canister of something Ivy said would cure all illness. Then everything blows up. It’s not as utter dreary shit as the other things, just odd and very out-of-character. I kept expecting Batman to explain something. Why he knew it was a trap. Maybe Ivy’s toxin would be sweated out by Nightwing as they had sex, and he’d come to his senses. Something. Not just him assaulting him from behind, then watching Ivy explode.
The other scenes I’m okay with. There’s one with Bruce and Catwoman, where she’s trying to get him to come back to Gotham, which makes me wonder a few more things. Couldn’t she have killed him there, or, if he’s in exile, why bother bringing him back at all. Stupid shit like this wouldn’t bother me if the movie was good. And then there’s John Constantine/Zatanna, which is way outta left field, but nice for those of us that remember that they had hooked up before. It’s just a blowjob however, so I guess that’s a knock against it if you want to find one.
Now, I said emotionally this movie pisses me off, but in some other ways it’s really quite good. The costumes all look fantastic. I never have and never will like the Bane design, but it looks as good here as it does in Dark Knight Rises. All of the costumes look as good as their movie counterpart, except maybe Nightwing’s, and his by no means looks bad. I’m not thrilled by the Ivy design, but it still looks great. The performances are good too, and fit the tone that they were going for. It’s just not a tone I wanted to see in an adult film. I do have to admit to enjoying Joker’s line “looks like she took two in the back” though.
No doubt other people will enjoy this movie, but the fantasy situations presented here are just not to my taste. It’s the only one of these super-hero parodies from Vivid I’ve covered I can’t recommend, unless you know what you’re going into.
And I know this has been picture light, and i apologize but the cast is coming up next. It’s just hard for me to be as silly as I usually am with this content.
Giovanni Francesco makes an impressive but under-utilized Batman
Derrick Pierce sounds a lot less goofy then Tom Hardy
you may remember Dani Jenson from me gushing about her in Avengers XXX
Penny Pax - I've enjoyed her in other movies
I like that Brian Street Team really looks like he popped outta the comic with that hair
In Superman Andy's sex scene had that little voice-over the scoot the rape issue.
Christy Mack has some cool tats, and I do believe Batman made an Identity Crisis reference
Brendon Miller made an effective Joker, I'll give him that.