Welcome, one and all, to the Easter 2012 edition of Movienalia! Today’s feature doesn’t take place around Easter. But, it does involve a rabbit. That’s close enough. This rabbit is a superhero. One with the power to turn into an American Flag and fly! Okay, so he’s about as cool as Squirrel Girl. That’s why his movie is being inducted.
So sit back, relax, bust out your Easter baskets and enjoy my torture of “The Adventures of the American Rabbit”!
-The Hoover Dam is exploding. Is this the beginning of “Waterworld”?
-Our hero’s magical power is being able to run so fast that he can turn into an American flag. How pathetic! If there’s a silver lining, Aquaman feels better about himself.
-The American Rabbit filled the hole in the Hoover Dam with a boulder he ripped off from a mountain. So, his solution to a problem is to destroy other property? He’s just like every other superhero. Clearly, he’s been doing his homework.
-They’re ripping off the “Superman” opening. If only they’d rip off that movie and make a good one.
-Even the theme is similar to “Superman”. There’s paying homage and then there’s taking liberty. I think this falls in line in taking that film’s innocence, if you catch my drift.
-Why would a bunny be wearing a tie?
-How the hell does a bunny have a mustache?!?
-Where do bunnies go to get glasses? Is there a bunny optometrist they go to?
-Wait a minute. This bunny couple only birthed one child? Don’t bunnies usually give birth to a large amount? I guess Papa Bunny had a low sperm count. Did I seriously just write that a bunny has a low sperm count?
-The baby bunny is now grown up and trying out for soccer. You know, if bunnies were to play a sport, soccer seems the most likely. Would be funny to watch them play (American) football, though.
-His name is Rob Rabbit? First off, are all of their last names Rabbit? If so, that’s ridiculous! Secondly, he doesn’t look like a Rob. Nothing against the name. It just seems so plain for a rabbit who is a superhero.
-So, Rob doesn’t cheat to win? I guess he’s not a Guerrero.
-Rob can play the piano, too. Is there anything he can’t do? Actually, there is. Have charisma. He’s about as exciting as expired milk.
-“You have to feel the music. You have to put your heart into it.” If that’s the case, explain Kesha’s success.
-Rob’s music is setting up two old rabbits. He’s the Elvis Presley of bunnies.
-Rob’s father wants him to be a professional rugby player. I don’t think I want to see rabbits beating the holy hell out of each other.
-A boulder is about to squash Rob’s parents. No wonder he destroyed one earlier. He was getting his revenge.
-Rob saved the day by morphing into an American flag and catching the boulder before it crushed his parents. I don’t know if they’re going to be in shock due to being saved or by seeing their son resembling a drunk man on the fourth of July.
-I just noticed that Rob has roller skates on to go with his American Rabbit gear. How is that patriotic?
-Rob’s parents don’t recognize him now that he’s the American Rabbit. Another rip-off of “Superman”.
-The old bunny from earlier just popped up from behind the rock dressed as a wizard. Did he just come from a “Lord of the Rings” convention?
-The only way for Rob to turn back to his normal self is for an old person to touch him? No wonder catholic boys never became superheroes.
-So, the old man was spying on them the whole time? Or did he unleash the boulder upon them to test Rob’s skill? What if he failed? His parents would be dead, you dick!
-Rob’s father had a hysterical, confused look on his face. It was similar to the look on my face.
-“What’s a legacy?” A group of men who don’t wear pants.
-The explanation given for Rob’s powers is that their village has a legacy. That legacy being to protect their village. They’ve chosen Rob to be their hero. That doesn’t explain much. When did this legacy begin? Why did they choose Rob? Was there another American Rabbit before Rob? This is a kids movie and it’s more confusing than a David Lynch film.
-Is there a superhero rabbit for every country? I desperately want to see “The Adventures of the Uzbekistanian Rabbit.”
-“It seems like just the other day Rob you were out fooling around with your other school pals.” I don’t know why, but this came across as dirty to me. Probably because I’m a pervert.
-“I don’t know what a father’s supposed to say to a son who’s been chosen to do what you’re doing.” You’re supposed to say, “You can save the day, but can’t clean your room?”
-“There’s a world out there that needs saving.” And Superman’s on vacation, so we need to hop to it.
-Rob walked away and the landscape changed around him. This wasn’t a passage of time, as he acknowledged the change of scenery. All I can ask is, what the fuck?!?
-Rob’s first mission is to tangle with a group of thug foxes who just drove by on the Golden Gate Bridge. Have animals devoured humans and taken over the world?
-The main fox just argued with Rob that he’s wearing a kettle, not a helmet. If you’re using it as a helmet, it’s a helmet. Though I can see where it’s a kettle. He most likely fried his brains in it.
-You know these foxes are badasses. They’re using insults like “Fluffy” and “Pipsqueak”. The Hell’s Angels look like little girls compared to these guys.
-Did the main fox just ask Rob out to dinner? This took a radical turn.
-Rob is taking a job as a piano player at a bar. Even superheroes need to make money. At least he’s not selling his body like Pumaman had to.
-A panda is running a bar that employs dogs. Don’t ask me why, but this is freaking me out.
-Why is this panda’s head so huge? You can project movies off of it.
-Their booker’s name is Bunny O’Hare. Was Female Rabbit taken?
-Are they trying to make Bunny O’Hare seductive and sexy? It’s a female rabbit, you sickos!
-They just shit on his classical music. Rock and roll for life, sucka!
-Rob doesn’t know a lick of playing rock on piano, yet can perform it perfectly on his first try. I’d complain about illogicality, but this is a movie about a bunny who turns into an American flag. That’d be like complaining about the cinematography in a porno.
-The fox gang just crashed the joint. I wonder if they’ll call the panda cuddly?
-They called the panda wimpo. I guess that’s a notch better than cuddly.
-The bar is called Pandamonium because it’s run by a Panda. Get it? Laugh, damn you!
-“You never know when an accident’s going to break out?” You mean like this movie?
-They’re breaking glasses. Those hooligans! How will they ever replace those? Pandamonium is ruined!
-“You need to think of as your insurance breakers.” There’s corny and there’s that line.
-“Five hundred bucks keeps the joint from getting trashed.” I believe five hundred bucks was also the budget of this movie.
-Why does that fox has wavy, black hair? Is that even possible? Why am I asking this? It’s a cartoon!
-“You never know when something awful is going to happen.” Tell me about it.
-They broke a few more glasses, then left. They destroyed about ten bucks of damage, not five hundred. Foxes suck at math!
-Rob and Bunny are flirting. Watching bunnies flirt is really uncomfortable.
-“You play a whole lot of piano.” What does that even mean? Was that supposed to be a come on?
-Pandamonium is packed with hipster farm animals. I can now die a happy man for having seen this.
-The band is called “The White Brothers Band”. That’s racist!
-I love how the foxes are crashing the bar, yet “The White Brothers Band” are continuing their set. Nothing will stop rock and roll!
-It turns out a curtain dropping will stop rock and roll.
-I can’t tell if that’s a female pig or Willard Scott.
-Did they seriously just ask for directions to the library? Either they’re going there to trash it or pick up a copy of “A Tail of Two Cities.”
-Did Rob just grope Bunny?
-“If you want to stay healthy, don’t mess with the Jackals.” Actually, if you don’t want your glasses broken, don’t mess with the Jackals.
-The place has been trashed and everybody left. Stop playing music and clean up!
-Your solution to end the Jackals’ tyranny is to hold a rally voicing your discontent about them? How do I say this nicely? Bunny, using your brain won’t get you far.
-“If we all band together, they’ll see that we’re not just a bunch of wimpy scaredy cats.” They’ll still think you’re scaredy cats. They’ll just think you’re a bunch of scaredy cats throwing a rally.
-“If we go on the march, we could be in trouble.” Your credibility would be in trouble, that’s for sure.
-Of course the Jackals hang out in an abandoned warehouse. That doesn’t scream villainous hideout at all. If they truly wanted to hide out, they’d reside in a coffee shop. Nobody would expect to look there.
-“It’s idiots like you that give evil a bad name!” Was the Jackals’ boss talking to them or the Foot Clan?
-The Jackals’ boss is a fat cat (I believe) that’s face is obscured by glasses that shine, a top hat and a ridiculously large suit. He also has a vulture as a pet. He doesn’t scream evil. He screams “former Enron employee”.
-The Jackals are going to march too. Are they going to have a dance off as the final battle?
-There’s a gorilla in the rally with a large head. Is there some type of inbreeding going on in this town? A lot of these animals look deformed.
-They take notice to the Jackals marching in the back of their rally and take this is a good sign? I’ve got some time shares I’d like to sell these schmucks.
-“Hey, that’s not nice. That’s mean. What they’re doing is mean.” I wonder how long it took them to come up with that line.
-The vulture just pecked away a supporting structure of the Golden Gate Bridge. That’s right, the bridge can easily be disabled by a vulture. They shouldn’t be worried about the Jackals. They should be worried about the town’s architect.
-It’s about damn time Rob turned into the American Rabbit! Why not save the day earlier, jackass?!?
-One of the American Rabbit’s powers is the incredible gift of tying knots.
-How do the townsfolk know he’s the American Rabbit? I know the look gives it away, but shouldn’t they be seeing him for the first time? If so, they shouldn’t be casual, as if he’s been saving their asses for years.
-The American Rabbit suddenly appears just as Rob disappears. Hmmm. I wonder if there’s a connection? Nah! That would make too much sense.
-Bunny believes they all have the courage to stick together and stand up to the Jackals. If they’re as courageous as they are smart, they’re in deep trouble.
-Why are the townsfolk so confused when the panda brings up the Jackals? You think they would know what’s going on by now.
-“We’re going to rebuild the Pandamonium.” That’s great! The first thing you should redo is the name.
-“Where are you going to get the money to rebuild that club of yours?” Since this is a movie, he can easily just pull it out of his ass. Maybe that’s one of Bunny’s tricks.
-“I’ll just have to put it on my charge card.” Wocka wocka!
-They’re going to raise the money by doing a world tour with “The White Brothers Band”. It would cost a lot of more money to send an unknown group on tour than to rebuild a bar.
-One of the venues they have booked is the Grand Canyon. Who’s going to attend that, donkeys?
-One of the Jackals looks a lot like James Franco. This is bothering me.
-“That red, white and blue rabbit is going to wish his Aunt Anges never let him out of the hutch.” Wait, what?
-The leader of the Jackals is named Rodney. Bwahahahaha!
-The Jackals’ most vicious member (who has yet to be seen) is named Ping Pong. Does he have a partner named Hockey Puck?
-Ping Pong isn’t a member of the Jackals. He’s one of the townsfolk. They’re just going to force him to become a member. They better force him to change his name, too.
-Ping Pong is the gorilla with the huge head. Now I know why he’s called that. You could play ping pong off the top of his head.
-“Everybody calls me Ping. Or Pong.” Did they let a child write his dialogue?
-I love how Rodney is reading off a fake telegram to Ping Pong. On his piece of paper, all he has written is telegram. If Ping Pong was never going to read it, why go to the trouble of writing telegram on it? In case you would forget and think you’re reading him your shopping list?
-How does Ping Pong not notice that Rodney is disguised as a messenger? His costume is about as subtle as a politician during an election year.
-They just drugged Ping Pong. They’re not going to make him earn his stripes, if you know what I mean? If you don’t, I’m referring to rape.
-There’s a needle, Ping Pong’s comb and one of the Jackals motorcycle by the train tracks and the townsfolk can’t put two and two together. No wonder Rob was chosen to be the American Rabbit. He’s the only animal in this film with a brain.
-The Grand Canyon has a club named “The Trap Door”. Let me repeat that. The Grand Canyon has a club named “The Trap Door”. Can you tell what’s wrong with that?
-Rob went from being worried about Ping Pong to not giving a shit and going to the Grand Canyon in a matter of seconds.
-Did Bunny seriously just ask if they’re at the right place? There’s only one Grand Canyon. You can’t accidentally go to the wrong one.
-Rob’s dad used to be in the Navy. I’m more interested in a movie about rabbits in the Navy than I am in this.
-Rob’s brilliant idea is to let his friends and band mates stream down river and meet there later. If he wasn’t the hero, I’d believe he’s setting them up to be stranded.
-It took only five seconds, give or take, for the Jackals to attack Rob after his friends left. That was fast!
-Rob is mistaking the Jackals for employees of “The Trap Door”. They’re not in disguise. How do you not recognize them? He needs to get a new pair of glasses.
-They just threw Rob down into the sewer. Get it? That’s the trap door. Laugh, damn you!
-They’re keeping Ping Pong locked under the sewers in a glass chamber that’s being filled with water. I thought they were using him to fight their battles, not drown him.
-“I don’t know why you’re doing this. I don’t know what you want from me. I just want you to know I can’t swim. And I really don‘t like it in here.” I take back that child line from earlier. A child is too intelligent to write insipid dialogue like this. Ping Pong’s dialogue must have been written by Jessica Simpson.
-Ah, they’re trying to coax Ping Pong into joining by threatening to drown him. What if he doesn’t oblige?
-Ping Pong must have been dropped on his head a lot when he was a kid.
-They’re drowning Ping Pong because he didn’t join them. So, how are they going to fight the American Rabbit? Guns, perhaps?
-Rob just convinced the Jackals that he’s the tap dancer for “The White Brothers Band”. That way, he can tap dance his way into turning into the American Rabbit. Alrighty then.
-The American Rabbit just speared them. SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!
-AR just saved Ping Pong by breaking the glass chamber. Are we sure he wasn’t the one that broke the Hoover Dam earlier?
-Rob’s friends are shipwrecked. No wonder he didn’t tag along. He knew it was dangerous. The selfish prick.
-I guess saving them makes up for putting them in danger. A bit redundant, but whatever.
-Bunny just seductively asked the American Rabbit to sit by the fire with her and get warm. I’m a little creeped out.
-Rob once again missed the American Rabbit. Put two and two together, you dolts!
-They’re still continuing with the tour? It’s obvious all of their gigs have been set up by The Jackals.
-They’re going to New Orleans. I don’t want to see what their Mardi Gras’ are like.
-They got booked at a club called “The Hog & Frog”. Is it owned by Miss Piggy and Kermit?
-The “Hog & Frog” burns to the ground and Bunny is complaining (in front of the owner) that she’s ruined. What a bitch!
-“Your gig at the “Hog & Frog” just went up in smoke.” Your club just burned down and your making jokes? What’s wrong with you?
-“You may not realize it, but I’m a pig. That’s what I am.” Seriously! Who wrote this dialogue?
-The pig just asked them if an airline would expect him to fly if he became a pilot. I don’t even need to make a joke. The movie is making a joke of it’s self for me.
-The Jackals have set up a fake club called “Paddlewheel to Paradise”. They’re tricking our heroes into playing a gig for them. Here’s an idea; instead of ruining their tour, just beat them up. It’ll be quicker and less painful for all involved.
-How do they not recognize the James Franco looking Jackal? He’s not even disguised. Our heroes are as gullible as Kelso from “That 70’s Show”.
-We get it. They want to audition, but the Jackals just want to automatically hire them. There’s tension between the two groups. Get on with it!
-Why are they boarding a cruise ship? They got the gig at the club, not on a cruise.
-They’re on a cruise ship now. It doesn’t make sense, but that’s where they’re at. Just go with it.
-“I believe these Jackals, as nice as they are, are just as rotten as the other Jackals.” They’re the same jackals, you moron! They don’t look or act differently at all.
-Why aren’t they concerned that there are no passengers on this cruise ship?
-“I want those decks washed in gasoline.” That line was one ‘I’ away from being kinky.
-“I guess you could say their goose is cooked.” Just shut up. You have nothing interesting to say.
-The Jackals set the cruise ship ablaze. Why not just drive it into an iceberg?
-Here comes the American Rabbit to save the day. Maybe he’ll use this movie to extinguish the fire. After all, this movie does blow.
-He carried them away to safety. Well, except for Rob. Which, by the way, it’s going to be hard for him to explain away him getting to safety without the American Rabbit’s help.
-“That was the most marvelous thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life.” Clearly, Bunny isn’t watching this movie.
-Rob is trying to explain his mysterious rescue away as swimming. Who would have thought swimming would save you from a burning ship?
-The Jackals are celebrating their murder by going to New York. Just like every homicidal maniac. There are a few things this film gets right.
-The Jackals are going to make life miserable for all New Yorkers. They’re going to make them move to New Jersey?
-“We’re going to lie, cheat and steal.” Ah, so the Jackals are Guerreros. If Rob and company don’t partake in that, what does that make them? Relatives of Kurt Angle?
-“We’re going to rule New York with an iron will.” Most rule with an iron fist, but whatever floats your boat, I guess.
-If the American Rabbit can fly, why does he have roller blades?
-Here comes Rob casually swimming to shore. Clearly, he has nothing to do with the American Rabbit. That would just be ludicrous.
-“We were really worried about you Rob and feel really bad about running off and leaving you.” You didn’t run off. You were carried to shore. Big difference.
-“Those Jackals wanted to kill us.” Luckily for you guys, they’re not too bright. If they really wanted to kill you, they would have done so back in town. Not by following you around and ruining your tour.
-Rob is suggesting they go to New York because he knows they’re there. Nice of him to lead his friends into danger. What a hero!
-“Nobody said we’re going to walk away. We’re going to run!” I understand this is intended for children. However, the dialogue could be better written. Even children will find it lame.
-“We have an obligation to oppose evil.” Since when, Bunny? The only obligation you have is booking musical acts for Pandamonium.
-“I love New York, but we don’t have any instruments.” Funny. I don’t remember having to have an instrument to enter New York.
-Did they just hitch a ride with the old wizard from earlier?
-Why did he drop them off fifty miles from New York? The whole point of hitchhiking is to not have to walk to your destination.
-They hitched another ride. This time with Bullwinkle’s cousins, who drive a chocolate truck. I would have preferred an ice cream truck filled with Moose Tracks. They missed an obvious pun.
-Never before has New York been drawn so blandly.
-The Jackals just jumped the chocolate moose. Even evil foxes have a craving for chocolate.
-The panda is friends with a group of penguins. I wonder if they’ll march with them.
-So, penguins in this universe are record label businessmen? You know, I find that accurate, for some reason.
-The Jackals are trying to rent the Statue of Liberty from a music label. This doesn’t make any sense!
-The Jackals’ plan is to trick people into believing their renting the statue for children to see. Then, when they have their attention, they’ll make their move. Good luck figuring this one out.
-The moose are chained in a basement. How long until the chains, whips and R-rating are busted out?
-“I do know this. These are mean guys and I’m pretty sure they’re evil.” They abducted you and chained you in a basement. Of course they’re evil, Captain Obvious!
-“I think they want to use our chocolate as delicious blackmail.” Now they’re using chocolate as blackmail? What is going on?!?
-“Chocolates supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be a pleasure.” With the obesity pandemic in America currently, chocolate isn’t fun. It’s enemy number one.
-“He who controls chocolate controls everything.” That’s your master plan? Control the world via chocolate? If that’s the case, Milton Hershey is a criminal mastermind.
-“The road to power is paved with chocolate.” No, that’s the road to diabetes.
-“Today, chocolate. Tomorrow, the world.” Isn’t that the Hershey slogan?
-The Statue of Liberty looks depressed. Even she doesn’t want to be in this movie.
-The Jackals placed bombs inside the Statue of Liberty. Why did they need chocolate then? They’re already going to lure people in to the Statue of Liberty for the novelty of it. Why waste time on making chocolate when you’re going to blow everybody up? Why is their plan so needlessly excessive?
-Rob sneaks away and the American Rabbit comes out to play. If only Rob were there to see him in action. I wonder why he’s never there.
-The American Rabbit just cleaned house. It only took an hour for him to finally lay the Smackdown on some Jackal asses.
-AR just ripped the glasses off of Vultar’s face, causing him to explode. What the fuck?!?
-The Vulture was Vultar this whole time. Get it? His name is Vultar, which is very close to vulture. What’s that? You get it, but think it’s stupid? So do I!
-Vultar just called the American Rabbit a dismal disease. I’m snagging that.
-“I’d never do anything crazy.” You just do things that are incredibly excessive and complex for no apparent reason.
-AR is being forced to make an announcement praising Vultar or else the Statue of Liberty, and everybody inside, will be blown to smithereens. If the latter happens, that means this movie will end sooner. Therefore, I choose the latter.
-Ah, so if you comply and do Vultar’s dirty work, you’ll be rewarded with chocolate. That seems like a good deal!
-Did they just show a dog drinking booze? Didn’t expect that.
-So, the townsfolk are doing Vultar’s bidding. Since I’m watching this garbage, will he reward me with chocolate?
-A dog in makeup is creepy.
-The townsfolk are staging a revolt. I guess since they’re not stuck in the Statue of Bombs, they figure they won’t blow up. The fact that there’s such a huge flaw in Vultar’s plan goes to show the thought put into this film.
-The chocolate moose have been saved. Hooray! Where’s my chocolate?
-Are the Jackals trying to give a moral speech about the American Rabbit? Where did this come from?
-At this point, I’m hoping Vultar just pulls the Doomsday switch and ends this dreck.
-The old wizard is now a cabby in New York. The recession is hitting everybody, even wizards.
-The old wizard is trying to convince Rob that he didn’t fail. Sure, he didn’t defeat Vultar, but he saved lives. However, he didn’t defeat Vultar, so he did kind of fail. Just saying.
-“Did you have any other choices? No.” Yes he did. Use his lightning speed to knock out Vultar before he pulled the switch. I guess that was too easy.
-“You don’t get to win them all, Rob.” Unfortunately for you, there’s no sequel. Therefore, you’re not winning anything.
-The American Rabbit’s plan to save the day is cut the water off from Niagra Falls that produces the electricity for the whole city. This will disable the Doomsday switch, allowing him to take out Vultar. An easier solution would be to just knock out Vultar. He’s not perched on the switch all day long.
-Vultar just broke the Doomsday switch out of anger. You know how you won’t like Hulk when he’s angry? You won’t like Vultar when he’s angry, either. That’s because he becomes an (even bigger) idiot.
-Vultar abducted the moose child. Who knew being a villain was so easy?
-Vultar put him on a rock that was easily accessible to get to. Ooh, how evil.
-Is the American Rabbit accidentally drowning the moose? He is a failure!
-“Do what you have to do.” You and your son are drowning and you’re telling the American Rabbit to do what he has to do? He has to save you two, that’s what he has to do!
-“Run away, just like you did at the Statue of Liberty.” If he runs away, can we please just end this movie? I don’t care if it’s a happy ending or a sad one. I just want it to end!
-Are the moose asking the American Rabbit to drown them to prevent Vultar from winning? He already broke his Doomsday switch. All AR has to do is let the water flow, but quickly save the moose. There’s nothing Vultar can do about it. It’s so freaking simple!
-Look at that. Ping Pong saved them. How the dimmest of the bunch figured this out before the smartest bulb is beyond me.
-Why is it snowing, all of a sudden? Is that supposed to make the final battle (which is essentially a slow chase) between the American Rabbit and Vultar epic? If so, it’s failing miserably.
-American Rabbit’s attack was to dodge Vultar’s dodge and have him crash into the ground. It was that easy to defeat him! You know what, I don’t care. As long as this ends, he can be defeated as easily as they want. Have him choke on bird seed for all I care.
-Rob gets a smooch from Bunny, his identity as the American Rabbit is kept secret and adults all over are celebrating that this movie is finally over.
That’s “The Adventures of the American Rabbit”. Honestly, it’s not terrible. It’s just really bland and needlessly excessive and confusing. It is colorful and kids will like it. I know I would have had I seen it when I were a child. Even so, there are so many other better films out there to show your children. This isn’t worth the time.
That’s all folks! Have a happy Easter and I’ll see you all next week!
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