Welcome one and all to another edition of Movienalia! “Love Sucks” month is over and I move on to a heavily requested movie. One of the two, at least. The past few months I’ve been bombarded with requests to do the “Fred” movies. I shall do the second, but am skipping the first. Why? I reviewed it back in 2010. What I haven’t reviewed was the sequel, “Night of the Living Fred”.
So sit back, relax, shut down your Youtube accounts and enjoy my torture of “Fred 2: Night of the Living Fred”!
-“Hey, it’s Fred! My life is a horror movie and it’s so scary! I‘m so scared!” Five seconds in and you’re already pissing me off with that annoying voice and drug-like behavior. This is going to be a long hour and twenty minutes.
-“You’ll be scared and scared.” I’m already scared. Not of this movie, but of the future. If this is what children find entertaining, what will they be like when they’re adults. I’ve watched some shitty programming when I was a child, but not this bad.
-“That’s a word I just made up. Scared and scarred combined.” So, you added an extra ‘c’ to scared? I’m confused.
-“Do you want to hear about it or not?” NOT!
-He’s cutting a Twinkie. High quality entertainment, folks.
-Fred has a girlfriend? Does he have to blow her up?
-Fred dumped his girlfriend. I’m sure that’s how it went. I hear Matt Hardy dumped Lita, too.
-A “Casablanca” reference. Really?!?
-Why is Fred dumping himself in drag? Are you telling me he dated himself and imagined himself as a woman? Does that mean he masturbated to himself? He was right. This movie is scarring me.
-“That wasn’t the scary part.” The scary part is that Fred has two movies. Two! Yet we never got a “Big Trouble in Little China” sequel. For shame!
-His music teacher is hard of hearing. It’s funny because she can’t hear the music. By funny, I mean it’s stupid.
-Fred’s music teacher disappeared. I’d disappear too if Fred was one of my students.
-Fred’s music teacher didn’t disappear. She quit and Mr. Devlin has replaced her. Fred can’t comprehend this. My head hurts.
-“He was so weird.” Look who’s talking.
-He put peanut butter and jelly into his Twinkie. Not going to lie, that sounds delicious.
-Fred has a stalker. Is he sure it’s not a hitman.
-Alex Dunphy from “Modern Family” is stalking Fred. I guess she has to pass the time during filming somehow.
-When did Fred learn parkour?
-Fred just jumped into a kiddy pool with a toddler and got pissed on. I’ll admit, I chuckled. This guy has pissed me off in the past. Watching him get pissed on is kind of gratifying.
-Why does Mr. Devlin has an umbrella? It’s sunny out.
-Mr. Devlin is moving in next door to Fred. The plot thickens.
-Fred’s “stalker” found him and he ran inside scared .We then got a repeat of the opening, You know, because I was pleading to see it again.
-Fred has a best friend? At least she doesn’t speak in a high-pitched voice and annoy the hell out of me?
-It’s not impossible for your music teacher to quit or get fired, Fred. If that were the case, pedophiles everywhere would become teachers.
-Fred wasn’t being followed by Talia, his “stalker”. She was just walking to school and home. Common sense must have left Fred a long time ago.
-Kevin, Fred’s enemy, is playing “Wang Chung Tonight” on the piano. I like him more than Fred already.
-Kevin is wearing a shirt that reads “Me” with the Facebook like symbol underneath. He’s a douche bag, but I still prefer him more than Fred.
-Kevin just bitch slapped Fred. He’s easily the most likable character in this movie.
-Kevin and Fred are having a piano duel. Least interesting battle ever.
-Kevin’s piano blew up (it’s a fantasy sequence). Fred planted a bomb in his piano. What a bastard!
-Fred just farted. How many more of these are we going to get?
-Fred’s not great at the piano, but he doesn’t suck. I wouldn’t laugh at him. Well, at least not for that.
-“Not everyone’s born with natural talent.” Or any talent, for Fred’s matter.
-Talia made Fred a cookie in chemical class. I bet she poisoned it.
-The cookie has Fred’s face plastered on it with icing. She’s obsessed with him. Why? I don’t know.
– “What the H E double hockey sticks is going on here?” If you can’t say hell, just say heck.
-Fred believes Talia disappeared. You turned to look at a crow and she walked home. Use some common sense already!
-Fred is seeing a ghost that resembles Talia. The ghost effect is worse than most 80’s direct to video movies.
-Talia died because she shopped till she dropped. Did they just find one of those corny joke books and write a script around it?
-She is doomed to walk this Earth until her fashionable shoes go out of style. What a dumb reason to be forced to roam the Earth.
-She died because she shopped in a mall without a food court and died. How long was she shopping?
-“That’s so tragic!” No, it’s stupid.
-Fred went to hug her but fell down the steps. Any time he gets hurt, I laugh. I should feel horrible, but I don’t.
-Fred’s mother wishes she could afford professional help for her son. We all do.
-Holy shit, it’s Flo from Progressive! I guess she needed the extra work.
-Flo is the wealthy annoying neighbor that rubs her wealth into everyone’s face. I wonder if she has good car insurance.
-Fred has to go to a party at Kevin’s house. He’s whining; I’m wishing he falls down the stairs again.
-John Cena just came out of Fred’s fridge. How did he fit in there?
-For those wondering, John Cena is Fred’s imaginary father. Mine is Robert Loggia.
-John Cena wants Fred to go to Kevin’s party to learn his weaknesses. Also, he doesn’t like cottage cheese.
-John Cena lives in Fred’s fridge. How horrible is he with his money that he can’t afford a house?
-Cena did his “You Can’t See Me” taunt and Fred said, “Yes, I can.” If only The Rock came in and laid the Smackdown on both of their candy asses.
-Cena gave Fred some Sunny D. He should have given him the purple stuff.
-You could argue that Kevin is butchering “Wang Chung Tonight”. I’d say it was butchered from the start.
-Fred’s mother is flirting with Mr. Devlin. She’s creepy at it.
-“You look like Robert Pattinson if he were stupid.” If he were stupid?
-Talia is Kevin’s sister. Fred freaked out and ran into a screen door. I’d laugh, but his high-pitched shriek nearly made me go deaf. Therefore, I didn’t care that he ran into a door.
-Don’t start singing! I like having hearing.
-John Cena isn’t in the fridge anymore. He must have moved to the closet.
-“If you switch around the letters you get Devil with an extra N”. Then you don’t get Devil at all.
-10:30 isn’t the middle of the night, Fred. A lot of people are still awake. If you want to spy on Mr. Devil, wait until around 2.
-Why does Fred sleep in his clothes?
-Fred is wearing an invisibility cloak. Oh, how I wish it worked.
-Fred just did the “You Can’t See Me” taunt. The Rock should use this to his defense.
-Why is Fred playing with giant teeth? For that matter, why does he own giant teeth?
-Mr. Devil is filling a hole in his backyard. He must be burying the acting career he thought he was going to have.
-The former music teacher’s cat was in Devlin’s yard. You know, because there are no cats that look the same.
-Fred’s former music teacher just crawled out of his pancakes. What the fuck?!?
-She’s warning him about Devlin. That doesn’t explain why she was in the pancakes.
-I don’t remember the piano being such a popular instrument in school.
-Fred believes Mr. Devlin is an alien. Maybe an illegal one.
-Mr. Devil revealed himself to be Mansquito. I love how they get the creature effects correct, but not anything else.
-Devlin is drinking Fred’s blood. Yay!
-I get that Fred fantasized that whole scenario. What I don’t understand is why he was sleeping on the floor of the school hallway,
-Fred never took notice that Talia lived across the street from him his whole life. He probably never noticed his shadow before, either.
-Kevin’s not a psycho, Fred. You are.
-Why would somebody want to marry Fred? Talia is the true crazy one in this film.
-Fred is eating Count Dracula. Count Chocula doesn’t want anything to do with Fred’s shit.
-Fred believes Mr. Devlin is a vampire. But, he doesn’t sparkle.
-Fred isn’t wearing a shirt and he’s ripped. These fantasy sequences are freaking me out.
-Fred’s pecs are dancing. MY EYES! THEY BURN!
-Fred turned into a small puppy to fight the vampires. I knew it wouldn’t be long until we got a “Twilight” spoof.
-You know how you can tell someone’s not a vampire, Fred? You come to grips with reality and realize vampires don’t exist.
-Fred’s mom has a date with Mr. Devlin. That poor bastard.
-Fred has to invite Devlin in, which means he’s not safe in his own home. I’m beginning to hope Devlin is a vampire and converts Fred.
-There’s a Fred Cycle? I hope it gets run over by the Batmobile.
-Fred and Bertha are stalking his mother and Mr. Devlin. That’s not creepy at all.
-“Girls like me, Bertha. I’m hot.” If Fred is hot, then I’m the world’s sexiest man.
-Fred is mistaken for a chef. Watch out. He’ll make pancakes with little women in them.
-“I can make anything taste good.” You can’t make anything funny, though.
-Fred is going to try to make a man’s dirty sock tasty. It’ll probably taste like this movie; terrible.
-Fred pretended to cut his finger off. How hilarious.
-How do you become a water snob?
-Bertha is disguised as a waitress. They recognized her immediately, but she said she was her mother. Eh, I’ll buy it.
-Fred’s mother isn’t much of an eater. She’s a former supermodel?
-Devlin wants a bloody steak and no garlic fries. He must be a vampire!
-Did that chef believe Fred when he said his mother was dating a vampire?
-“I guess I sucked the life out of those kids.” Devlin is going to say a lot of these vampire puns, isn’t he?
-Fred made the sock taste good. You can now sleep easy tonight.
-Why are Devlin and his mother leaving? They haven’t even eaten yet.
-Bertha has a crush on Fred, too. What is wrong with these people?
-Fred is pretending to read Cosmopolitan. I guess he wants to know fifty ways to please his man.
-Fred just made the same joke I just did. This means me and him think alike. Somebody help me!
-Never check your mother from marks after a date. You give off the wrong vibes.
-Fred is spying on Devlin again. He came out of his house with a bloody knife. He also seen his former music teacher’s jacket. Maybe they’re having a fling and they’re both very kinky.
-John Cena needs Fred’s help. Fred just came out to a sold out crowd for Smackdown. The wrestling fan in me weeps.
-Fred and John Cena are the tag team champions. The tag team division has hit a new low.
-They’re wrestling Mr. Devlin and Kevin. I’d rather watch Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar from Wrestlemania XX.
-They’re using Gangrel’s music as their theme. The New Brood sucks!
-Fred wrestling makes me yearn for David Arquette as WCW Champion.
-I pity the crowd who had to watch this crap get filmed. I would have laughed if they all got up and left.
-Fred got thrown over the top rope and into his bed. Thank the Lord that segment ended.
-Mr. Devlin needs Fred and Bertha’s blood. For the blood drive, of course.
-How is giving blood to save someone’s life anything like a vampire?
-Talia made hand puppets of her and Fred. She’s making them fall in love. She’s succeeded in making Fred seem less creepy and crazy.
-Puppet cooties are better than Mr. Socko cooties.
-John Cena wants Fred to suck Mr. Devlin’s blood. I don’t think he’s a good role model anymore.
-Cena just body slammed Fred through a table. I’m now a fan of his.
-Red hot motor oil milkshake? What the hell does Cena drink?
-Vampires hate baseball players? If that’s a “Twilight” reference, they played baseball. It’s sad that I know that.
-Cena mistook umpires as vampires. Wait, what?
-Fred just crashed his skateboard into his fence. He can’t do anything right.
-Oh no! Bertha is taking piano lessons with Mr. Devlin. The horror!
-Fred needs a cross to use on Devlin. He’s using a crossing sign. Get it? Laugh damn it!
-Fred has a friend named Derf. How appropriate.
-“No one has ever learned how to kill a vampire from the internet.” They have learned how to drive their stake into someone, if you catch my drift.
-The cops are after Fred for stealing the sign. Go cops!
-Fred is trying to buy garlic sauce from a Chinese restaurant. Just go to the grocery store, you imbecile.
-Fred is scaring the restaurant workers. What a dick!
-Fred’s fortune cookie said “Your neighbor is a vampire”. Mine said “You are not the father!”
-Fred has super soakers. He’s planning on going postal on Mr. Devlin.
-“Are you pretending you’re in a movie or something?” Get it. He’s in a movie. Laugh damn it!
-How many times are we going to hear “Wang Chung Tonight” in this movie?
-Fred crashed the recital dressed like an action hero reject. It’s terribly glorious.
-“First of all, I don’t have any friends, Mom.” I almost feel compelled to feel sorry for Fred with that comment. Almost.
-“You’ll get this over my dead hot body.” The way Fred says hot creeps me out.
-“I’m just worried about your personal safety, Fred.” I’m not.
-“He hasn’t been himself since the day he was born.” That doesn’t make any sense.
-Mr. Devlin doesn’t have a reflection. They’re actually making him a vampire. Really?!?
-Kevin’s a vampire, too. He and Fred are flying through the air. None of this makes sense.
-Fred shot Kevin with garlic sauce and he dissipated. Flo is frightened. At least she has Progressive.
-Devlin has Talia hostage. How gripping.
-“It’s over, Fred. You lost.” Yay! Fred lost.
-Damn it! Fred won. He blasted Devlin and he dissipated. Considering we still have half an hour left (ugh), I’m guessing this is a fantasy.
-Yep, fantasy sequence. He’s just now entering the building. This better end with him being humiliated.
-Fred is spraying the audience with garlic sauce. Worst concert ever!
-Just take the water gun from him. It’s not that hard.
-Fred’s mother carted him out of the auditorium, making him look like an (even bigger) idiot.
-“I smell like a used napkin at a pizza parlor.” That should be a perfume.
-Talia is afraid of Fred. She finally came to her senses.
-Kevin and his crew are mocking Fred with fake bats. One of them should have dressed as Ozzy Osbourne.
-If somebody accused me of being a vampire and doused the entire town with garlic sauce, I wouldn’t reason with him. I’d send him to a psychiatrist.
-Devlin is inviting Fred to dinner. I wonder if they’ll have garlic.
-“He wants to bury the hatchet. Probably into my head.” One can hope.
-Fred is going to transmit a live video feed of his dinner with Devlin. That way, he can catch him being a vampire on camera. The only problem with this plan is that nobody in the town will watch his videos because they hate him.
-“If you combine Devil with Kevin, you get Devlin.” What about the ‘K’? Is it special?
-Does Devlin just play the piano all day?
-“Time to dig up dinner.” They’re going to Taco Bell?
-People are watching the video feed and are being scared. If they see this movie, they’ll be scared too. Scared that a third one will be made.
-“I can’t wait to sink my teeth into this.” Enough with the vampire puns!
-“He’s going to make me dig up dead bodies and eat them.” At least they’re dead. Hannibal Lecter would make you eat live ones.
-Of course Devlin has a bat in his house. Why wouldn’t he?
-Devlin has a revolving hidden wall. He’s either a vampire or a child molester. Wow, two pedophile jokes in one Movienalia. I’m not sure if I should be proud of that.
-He’s found a secret stash of meat. Devlin moonlights as a butcher?
-How could they see Devlin’s shadow behind Fred? The camera was pointed in the opposite direction.
-Fred dropped the camera into a tub of water. No more video feed. I wish the same went for the film.
-This is Devlin’s secret kitchen. Why would he need a secret one?
-Devlin buried Korean coleslaw in the ground. Just go with it.
-So, Devlin is a Korean nut. I know a few podcasts he would like.
-The bat in Devlin’s house was injured. He nursed it back to health, but the bat didn’t want to leave. The explanations for these mysteries are really weird.
-Devlin’s father was in the army and stationed in South Korea. Hence the love of Korean food. Makes sense.
-Fred and Devlin are bonding over both missing their fathers. I see where this is going. Devlin reveals himself to be a vampire and bites Fred’s neck. Or Devlin marries Fred’s mom and the two become good friends and good father and son. I’m praying for the former.
-Devlin plays music to not be weird. I wonder if other favorite musicians did the same.
-Devlin uses an umbrella in broad daylight to protect his skin. They have lotion for that.
-Fred and Devlin are officially friends. Boo!
-Fred’s a hero now for risking his life for everybody else’s. These people are morons!
-Music class is suspended. Damn those budget cuts!
-Fred’s video backfired and now people are afraid of Devlin. Way to go, Fred.
-Fred earned Kevin’s respect. The highest praise one can receive.
-Devlin is watching the video now. He knows he can watch porn, right?
-“I need to take down my site before it does any more damage.” You should have done that a long time ago.
-Fred seen the amount of views he has and thinks he can become a star if it keeps growing. I’ve got to give it to them. That inside joke was pretty good.
-He deleted the video and gave up fame and fortune. Can he do that in real life, as well? Please!
-Devlin’s leaving. Hopefully to a better movie.
-Fred’s mom is depressed because Devlin’s leaving. She comes across as a crazy bitch, so I don’t care.
-Fred’s crying sounds like a moose being shot.
-“I would trade places with him in a second.” There’s the plot to the third film. A body swap comedy.
-Stop saying “Wait a minute” and “Wait a second”.
-Fred is going to pretend to be a vampire so people like Devlin again. They would just hate the both of you, that’s all.
-A montage of becoming a fake vampire. Ugh.
-You’re supposed to make Fred into a vampire, not a mummy. Stop goofing off and finish this!
-Talia and her sock puppets have arrived. Oh joy.
-“Everybody’s weird. There’s just some people that like to act like their normal.” You can’t be philosophical. This is a “Fred” movie. That is not allowed.
-Fred as a vampire looks like Don Knotts after a lobotomy.
-Kevin makes his sister judge his fart smells. I don’t know what to make of this.
-Kevin believes Devlin abducted his sister. Only in this movie would they believe it’s because he’s a vampire and not a pedophile.
-Kevin is recruiting a gang to take out Devlin. More garlic sauce water guns?
-I haven’t seen a stable this weak since the JOB Squad.
-Did Fred just mumble, “We’re going to scare the shit out of them”?
-Fred is pretending to be a vampire and Talia’s pretending to be his victim. This is going to end with Fred having a stake driven through him, isn’t it?
-Fred is so weak he can’t even carry Talia.
-“Stop me if you can, but you can’t.” Wait, what?
-Kevin stabbed Fred. He’s bleeding red food coloring. I’m losing brain cells.
-A jump scare in a “Fred” movie. How pathetic.
-It may have worked, but they’re probably going to call the cops on you since they believe you abducted Talia.
-“Everyone’s going to be talking about me now.” I really hope they don’t.
-John Cena moved back into the fridge. He’s also proud of Fred. Not a fan anymore.
-“You know what they say. Cold hands, warm heart.” Who says that?
-The fridge is Cena’s office. Is that where he comes up with his material?
-Devlin is still moving. He was never fired, he quit. He decided it’s time for him to move on. The past hour and eighteen minutes was entirely pointless.
-“I don’t want to live in a place where I have to force people to accept me.” Then you don’t want to live on Earth.
-Devlin forgives Fred for trying to fix his mistake. Embrace the hate, Devlin.
-They’re hinting at a Fred and Bertha relationship. Poor girl.
-Fred can scare Kevin whenever he wants now. I didn’t know dressing up like a cheap vampire had that much power.
-Fred’s mom has one last date with Devlin. Leave with some dignity, man.
-Why did Devlin do a robot impression to mock vampires? He must be a big fan of “Robo Vampire”.
-“I’ve been working on being more humorous.” You’re failing so far.
-Devlin doesn’t have a reflection. Oh, come on!
That’s “Fred 2: Night of the Living Fred”. Just like the first, the only thing saving it from being a complete dud is Fred continually getting hurt. I can’t decide if this one’s better or worse. Does it really matter? That’s like trying to decide which is better to eat; horse dung or cow dung? At the end of the day, they’re both shit!
That’s all, folks! I’ll see you all next week.