While perusing around my local Goodwill, I stumbled upon something magical. Something that took me on a time warp back to when I was a youngster. Back when I had no worries, except for not missing the latest Raw or Nitro event. More importantly, a time when Valentine’s Day didn’t suck, solely because I hadn’t discovered the tingling feeling between my legs when aroused. Ladies and gentlemen, I stumbled upon this:
That’s right, folks. Valentine’s Day cards from the Attitude Era. Back when expletives wear spouted ad nauseam and everybody wanted head. The Rattlesnake was on top while the Viper was still in high school. The Brahma Bull was raising an eyebrow while John Cena was still learning ropes. The Undertaker was… well, he’s still here. You catch my drift. These are Valentine’s Day cards when wrestling was “cool”, by a lot of people’s standards.
For starters, the fact there are Valentine’s Day cards for elementary school students of the Attitude Era makes me laugh. I’m not surprised, as we all watched it at that young of age. I know I sure did. Even so, marketing a hard TV14 program for a TVY7 crowd is hilarious in and of itself. Let’s cut this mumbo jumbo and get straight to the cards.
Front
I love the look on Austin’s face on this card. It’s as if he’s demanding you to have a happy Valentine’s Day. If you don’t, he’ll stomp a mudhole in your ass. Especially if your name is Debra. If you didn’t follow wrestling and received this card, you’d probably think the person who gave it to you wants to rape you. Just look at those eyes and angry stare. That’s the face of a man who’s going to get some, whether or not the recipient allows him.
The back doesn’t help matters.
Front
Here’s another card that’s message could be misconstrued. We know “Know Your Role!” is one of The Rock’s catchphrases. To an unsuspecting recipient, it may be taken as sexism. Think about it. A muscled, nearly naked man telling you to know your role. That men are the dominant species and women belong in the kitchen. It even looks like The Rock is about to say, “Make me a sandwich, woman”. Maybe I’m looking too deeply into it.
Know your role, bitch! I do have to admit the outline of The Rock is pretty cool.
Front
Nothing says love like a dirty sock that’s been in a greasy man’s pocket all day. I love that it’s Socko that’s saying “Here’s Your Valentine!” As if Mankind could give two shits about you. Sure, the smile says otherwise, but still. As for the clueless recipient, she’ll be more confused than Tara Reid at a Harvard class.
Nothing to say about the back. It’s cool.
This one is easily the best of the bunch. You get two of these, meaning a student has their own version of Sophie’s Choice to play. The irony in this one being that Austin is the anti-authority hero. Considering a teacher is a student’s boss, per se, having him complimenting one as being great is hysterical. That’s like giving a deaf person a new album to listen to.
Back
That’s right. No other teacher is great and that’s the bottom line. Except for the other lucky teacher who received card number two of the collection. The two great teachers will have to duke it out inside of a steel cage a.k.a. the jungle gym in the playground for top honors of being the greatest teacher ever.
That’s the cards. You get thirty-two of them to pass around. I would have liked more variety in them. Maybe an Undertaker card that says “You’ll Rest In Peace Because You’re My Valentine!” or a Kane one that says “My fire burns for you!” Beggars can’t be choosers. At least the four we got were golden. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to dump these in random mailboxes around town. Have a happy Valentine’s Day!