Welcome, one and all, to the third installment of “Love Sucks” month. Next week, we’ll be looking at whores, so to speak. This week, we’ll be covering a film starring a whore, whether that be attention seeking or literal. That’s right, it’s the Paris Hilton debacle, “The Hottie and the Nottie”.
So sit back, relax, grab your nottie and enjoy my torture of “The Hottie and the Nottie”:
-We’re starting in first grade. I think classifying children as hotties and notties is cruel and extremely creepy.
-“You know the girl. Your first vision of beauty.” I didn’t discover her in first grade. It wasn’t until my little buddy started noticing her.
-“The heavens opened and that was it. The moment I first fell in love.” Don’t you think you’re exaggerating a bit? Nobody falls in love in first grade. They fall on their faces, but not in love.
-I know the girl. Stop rambling about her.
-Valentine’s Day in first grade was weird. Getting candy hearts with “I love you” written on it was unsettling. Probably because they all came from my teacher.
-“But things don’t always work out like you think they would.” You mean like how you thought taking this role would be a career move?
-Twenty years later and we’re somewhere in Maine. That first grader grew up to be Stephen King?
-“She cries at the commercials of AT&T.” I know their service is bad, but not enough to make me cry at their commercials.
-He didn’t grow up to become Stephen King. He grew up to be a crappy singer.
-The girl he was singing about just broke the guitar over his head. She must be related to either Jeff Jarrett or the Honky Tonk Man.
-“Is everything okay, honey?” She just broke a guitar over your head. Call this a hunch, but I don’t think everything’s okay.
-She shaved his head. I wonder if she shaved the hair down under, too.
-You know a relationship is over when your girlfriend storms out of your apartment with a drawer.
-She spray painted ‘loser’ on his car. Why would she remind him of a Jason Biggs movie?
-“Are you going to keep the drawer?” That’s what you’re worried about right now?!?
-She just ran him over with her car. I guess this makes her a nottie.
-Being in love with someone but them not possibly loving you back isn’t a good enough reason to run them over with your car.
-“That’s when it hit me.” The car?
-He still has a photo of Cristabel, his first crush, when she was six. Chris Hansen would like for you to have a seat right over there.
-They made a first grader out to look ugly and be a nottie. All hope for this movie is lost.
-Now we’re somewhere in Los Angeles. Couldn’t they look up the street signs while they were filming?
-Did he hunt his best friend from first grade down to help him find Cristabel? It’s called a phone book, dude.
-His friend, Arno, still leaves at home with his mother (and everything’s the same). This is supposed to be funny.
-Arno likes holiday cookies, so they have them stocked year round. This is classified as comedy?
-Arno looks like a skinny Horatio Sanz.
-They’re looking at a picture of a thirteen year-old and fawning over how hot she is. This is creeping me out.
-A donkey sound just played because Nate seen June, the Nottie, and she’s really ugly. This is what I’m dealing with.
– “It’s a very well-known Law of Physics. The hotness of one girl is directly proportional to the ugliness of her best friend.” Or you’re just a chauvinistic pig. There’s always that.
-“She’s like some hideous dragon guarding the Princess from escape.” Arnie’s a pleasant and kind fellow. Also, this played over a clip of June as a first grader. How cruel and unfunny!
-Cristabel isn’t single because June is ugly. That’s preposterous.
-“This is fate.” No, this is terrible. Huge difference.
-Arno has a whole file about Cristabel and what she does in her daily life. Lock him behind bars, please.
-Cristabel is so hot that homeless people have signs asking to marry her. What a sweet proposal.
-Watching Paris Hilton jogging is like watching paint dry.
-I love how the expression on the guys sitting on the bench when Nate goes chasing after Cristabel. It’s like they’re thinking, “Why didn’t I think of that?”
-He’s smelling her hair. No matter who you are, that’s the creepiest thing you can ever do (without consent).
-She looked at him and he tackled her by accident. Wait, what?
-“Were you sniffing me?” A question you never want to ask.
-“Were you that guy that pop Vienna Sausage in his pants?” Anything to make your package seem bigger.
-How do these people remember their fellow first graders?
-“That’s just my stalker, Randall.” She said this so nonchalantly. It struck me as odd.
-She’s an event planner for charity. Unlike Paris in real life, who is an event crasher.
-She’s pregnant and doesn’t know who the father is? You know what that means. Maury!
-She was kidding. Weird joke.
-“Are you still into finger painting and Smurfs?” No, he just likes to finger Smurfs now.
-He lied about being a personal trainer. Why not just say musician? That’s not a bad job. You may suck at it, but it’s a good job.
-“Who wants adult acne and a shrunken penis?” Who doesn’t want that?
-I’ll never understand why somebody lies about their job status when trying to woo someone? I can understand if it’s a fling, but not when it’s someone you love and want to be with.
-“You are what you eat.” Oh, so that’s why Paris is a dick.
-June’s a vegan. Her boyfriend must be Daniel Bryan.
-Nate, Cristabel and June are all going to the gym. Who doesn’t want to impress someone by showing them how weak you are?
-Is the donkey noise going to play every time June appears?
-This sounds horrible, but at least they made June ugly and not Hollywood ugly. The one thing this movie has done right so far.
-Somebody accidentally pushed Nate into June, causing him to kiss her. Oh, the hilarity.
-I love how June seemed offended. If I can give this movie any credit, they’re making June actually ugly (which is a strange compliment) and they’re not making her into a “if anybody loves me, I’ll be happy” character.
-What the hell is wrong with June’s toe?!? Did she dip it in tar?
-June’s a handler at the zoo. There’s a crass joke in there.
-“The only downside is that I’m constantly covered in hair.” Just like the wife of an 80’s metal band singer.
-Now they played a wolf noise while she was talking. This better not be a running gag.
-Now for some Yoga. I expect many gross gags centering around June.
-Can’t forget the sexy poses from Paris. It’s as if she’s training for a porno shoot, not doing Yoga.
-June’s dirty sock is in Nate’s face. The dreadful gags begin.
-June’s never had a boyfriend. I’m sure Chris Kattan is still available. After all, she kind of resembles his monkey boy persona.
-Damn it! They played the animal noises again.
-“I didn’t know the meaning of the word no.” That’s an excuse rapists use in court.
-“I’m not going to date anyone again until June has someone special in her life.” How sweet. Paris had this same promise with Nicole Richie. It didn’t last long.
-“That could be a very, very long time.” Way to be an asshole, Nate.
-“The hardest part is going without the sex.” You don’t have to date someone to have sex. Just saying.
-Even Arno’s mother is making fun of June. Maybe Nate should stop surrounding himself with assholes.
-“Has she tried the new lasers? Worked great on my bikini line. Grew back in like peach fuzz.” The fact that Arno agreed with his mother with glee is creepy.
-“You want to fix this chick you have to do more than mow the lawn.” You also have to trim the hedges.
-“What if I paid someone to go out with her?” If she found out, you’d look like the biggest jerk in the world.
-Who sets up a picnic to tell someone they’re going to hook up their friend?
-“I think that I have found the perfect guy for her.” He has to be alive, Nate.
-Why would you make up a guy? She’s eventually going to have to meet him, you moron.
-“It would be a major step if we can get her laid.” If Gilbert Gottfried can get laid, June can too.
-“A life without orgasms is like a life without flowers.” Even Shakespeare couldn’t come up with something so poetic and lovely.
-Nate just put up an ad for medical experimentation. He’s offering five hundred a week. He’s a failed musician. Where’s he getting this money from?
-Why is he watching the sign to see if there are any takers? They’ll call you.
-I see. He’s offering him the five hundred a week to go out with June. Guess it would have been illegal to put that on a sign.
-“Does she have a vagina?” Yes, but it bites.
-“Is this woman you in a dress?” No. It’s Nate in a mini-skirt and high heels.
-“None of my girlfriends have been pretty.” Probably because you assume their men in dresses.
-A guy at the restaurant came up to Cristabel with this pick-up line: “Oh, those are shoulder blades. I thought they were wings.” Really?!?
-June just burned the guy. Not literally.
-“My God! It has whiskers.” Are animal jokes all they could come up with?
-Since he’s being founded out for paying someone to date June, that means they’ll both hate him and this movie will end, right?
-Nope, it continues. Damn it!
-I get it. June is ugly. Not everybody has to freak out about it.
-“I also have a problem with irritable bowel syndrome.” How fitting. This movie does too. It continually spews out crap.
-“We’re going to play a game.” I’m next to positive this is one of Jigsaw’s games.
-Both Nate and June want to go to Venice. This means they’ll end up together.
-Now for the completely pointless sunbathing scene for Paris to flaunt off.
-Can’t forget hideous imagery of June.
-June’s infected toenail just shot into Cole’s mouth. Disgusting, not funny.
-He’s freaking out as if he’s just been shot. Also, jumping into the water won’t help.
-Stop staring at old photos seductively. It’s disturbing.
-How did Nate get the money for two thousand dollars worth of spa treatment? Is he selling his sperm?
-Offering to remove someone’s mole is not flirting.
-“Nothing says subtle like an infected toenail in your chapstick.” Coming this spring, the infected toenail chapstick. For when you want your lips to be as smooth as a nail dipped in tar.
-Stop being philosophical, Paris!
-“I’m such a bad friend.” I should have never let Nicole Richie do “The Simple Life”.
-Cristabel also kept a photo of Nate to look over. At least she admitted it was creepy.
-Cole is tied up in Arno’s living room. First, I thought Nate was a pedophile. Now, I think he’s a rapist.
-Do it yourself hypnosis doesn’t seem too plausible.
-They’re going to shock him every time he sees a hot woman. Even Buffalo Bill would find this sick and twisted.
-They treat him to dessert every time he looks at June. I don’t think this will make him become attracted to her. It’ll just make him hungry every time he sees her.
-“I don’t think I can do this.” I’ve been saying the same thing for the past thirty minutes.
-“Let’s not dwell in the negative.” It’s hard not to when there’s not much positive to dwell in.
-Now they’re hypnotizing him. If they wanted him to get sleepy, they should have shown him this movie.
-Every time Cole sees June, he’ll see a supermodel. Or, in this case, a space lady. Yeah, I don’t get it, either.
-He’ll be broken out of this trance every time he hears the phrase, “I love midget mimes.” Why pick such a common phrase?
-Why didn’t Nate get “loser” taken off of his car? It’s called a paint job.
-June’s getting her mole removed. So sexy.
-“You saucy minx.” I’d avoid someone who used this phrase as a compliment.
-“Cole is a trekkie.” Don’t pin Cole’s crazy behavior on Star Trek fans.
-Stop making weird space sexual innuendos. It’s not funny.
-There’s a midget mime at the carnival. Are you freaking kidding me?!?
-“They’re called little people, honey”. At least this movie is politically correct.
-I’d rather see a movie about a man traumatized by midget mimes.
-The mime just drew a picture of June as a donkey. Stop beating this joke into the ground! It’s already six feet under.
-A hunk just made the save by clubbing the mime and comforting June. What the hell?
-“It can get a little lonely when you’re single.” You don’t say.
-The hunk is a dentist. He does kind of look like Hermey from “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”.
-“Have you ever done any modeling? You have amazing bone structure.” I’m going to start using this line and see how it works out.
-Who would trade places with someone with hideous teeth simply to not have a cavity?
-Arno’s mother keeps issues of Mens Abs under her bed. I guess since Playgirl has been discontinued, she needs some type of fap material.
-“He’s a back door man.” I’d be disappointed if they didn’t mean for that to be an innuendo.
-Poking out Cristabel’s eyes isn’t a good method to prevent her from falling in love with the hunk.
-“This is awful.” Tell me something I don’t already know.
-Why would you lie about being able to fly planes? Stop putting yourself in situations that could possibly get you killed later.
-“You’re not a professional pilot, yet you risk the lives of children by doing dangerous stunts in mid-air.” We’re supposed to back you, Nick, but this hunk has a good point. He seems like a nice guy and you’re an asshole.
-You dream of kids riding you? You’re a despicable human being, Nate.
-The hunk was about to take his shirt off, so Nate tackled him. He blamed it on a scorpion. Are there even scorpions around them?
-“We need to figure out something you’re good at.” This will take awhile.
-Women don’t find kazoos sexy (unless Edge and Christian are playing them).
-Nate taped his guitar back together. Hopefully, it’ll get broken on his head again.
-The hunk can play the guitar, too. What can’t he do?
-He has the whole coffee shop dancing in unison to his music. This is sickeningly cheesy.
-Is this club playing techno rap?
-“Back in the playground days, I used to woo the ladies.” All you had to do back then was buy them a pack of gum to woo them. Stop bragging.
-Do we need slow motion of Paris dancing?
-At least we got some hunky nipples. I can’t believe I just typed that.
-Nate just accidentally tackled Cristabel. Can’t blame it on a scorpion this time.
-“The man sweats urine.” What?!?
-Note to Paris: you can’t act. You may have been able to hide this during those sexy poses earlier, but not when you’re supposed to be emotional.
-You tackled her. Of course she doesn’t want to be with you.
-Three weeks later and Nate is crashing on Arno’s couch watching abs workout videos. How most men spend their Saturday afternoon.
-Arno just slapped Nate. I applaud.
-June got hot. Go figure.
-June is proud she got cat called by a man with a rat tail. You know what they say. Rat tails and cat calls are the two signs of love.
-“Sarcasm will get you everywhere.” It will? Then why am I still stuck in my rut?
-They’re going to have a costume party. Will Paris dress as a whore?
-Nate is kissing June so she can have her first kiss. Glimmers of kindness doesn’t mean you’re not an asshole.
-He made things worse by saying, “I don’t know why I did that.” I’m terrible with women and even I know that’s a dumb line to say.
-In California, costume parties are just wearing your normal attire.
-Nate is dressed as Speed Racer. At least now he has an excuse to be quick, if you know what I mean.
-June is dating the hunk now. Good for her.
-Cristabel is dressed as a bride. Is she a slutty bride?
-Did Paris just fart? Did we have to resort to that?
-Oh, he spilled red wine on her. I seriously thought it was her time of the month.
-Nate is getting jealous of the hunk being with June. You got Cristabel. Shut up and take her!
-“When I set my mind to it, I always get what I want/” Now the hunk is sounding like a douche. Fantastic.
-I know they were trying to make the hunk out as an asshole by making comments like, “She’s almost beautiful.” However, saying stuff like, “She worked hard for this” and “Tonight, it’s time for her reward” make him seem like a nice guy with bad wording earlier.
-Nate is fighting the hunk in June’s honor. There are mariachis playing in the background, for some reason.
-The party’s over. But, the fun had yet to begin.
-Nate trying to say that the hunk doesn’t deserve June is so strained. He only just now started caring for her. Why are we supposed to be rooting for him?
-“Knowing what you are is also knowing what you’re not.” I am a human. I am not a unicorn.
-“Most of us are just happy to date a guy who brushes his teeth.” Does he have to take a shower, too?
-“That’s one thing I hate about fairy tales. They’re just not true.” Hence why they’re fairy tales and not true stories.
-If Nate can fall in love so quickly, maybe he’ll fall in love with the waitress at Denny’s next.
-Did Cristabel just call June Jen?
-Cristabel has been testing Nate all night (acting drunk, using a whoopee cushion, etc.). Has she been testing him this whole time?
-“Here’s to finding your perfect match.” This movie found it’s perfect enemy in Paris Hilton.
-The hunk just used a piss-poor pick-up line. Why he busted one out when he already has June is beyond me.
-Nate found the Valentine that he made for June in her drawer. How sweet. By sweet, I mean sappy and bland.
-Paris is in lingerie. I’m surprised it took this long.
-Nate just revealed he stalked Cristabel. I love how quickly she became disgusted. Like when a snooty airhead discovers the man she’s marrying for the fame and fortune is actually poor.
-“I think I gave my Valentine to the right girl.” That makes every cheesy line ever uttered seem like a masterpiece crafted by the Gods and sent down to Earth to us puny minions to salivate over.
-Nate went to find June, but she left the hunk to go to her secret hiding spot (which is in plain view). Nate is going to be her Prince Charming. This film is being drowned in saccharine.
-“My last girlfriend’s name was Jane. That’s one letter off.” That’s not fate. That’s a coincidence.
-They kiss and everybody goes home happy. That’s because everybody else at the theater was seeing something else.
That’s “The Hottie and the Nottie”. A film so repulsive in it’s nature and tone with writing that rivals the scribbling of an infant. The only good thing this film did was by making June an actual ugly girl (which is sad, when you think of it). Even so, she’s drop dead gorgeous by the end, which is only when Nate discovers he’s in love with her. What message is that sending? The only message I can send is to avoid this atrocity.
I’ll see you all next week for the conclusion of “Love Sucks” month.
/p