Welcome one and all to week two of “Love Sucks” month. Last week, I dipped my head into hair gel and took a ride with the Cool Rider in “Grease 2”. This week, I dive into plastic and delve into the demented life of Jonathan Switcher in “Mannequin”. This romantic comedy follows a woman who travels through time and is locked inside the body of a mannequin. Jonathan, an aspiring sculptor and mannequin obsessed freak, is the only one who can see her. Are they meant to be together? Does anybody care?
That’s right, folks. It’s a romantic comedy on mannequin lovemaking. Only in the 80’s, folks. Despite the creepy premise, it does have a good cast (Andrew McCarthy, Kim Catrall, James Spader, Estelle Getty, D.W. Bailey). When they’re stuck in a movie like this, it doesn’t matter.
So sit back, relax, undress your mannequin(s) and enjoy my torture of “Mannequin”.
-I didn’t expect a movie about a mannequin fetish to start in ancient Egypt.
-It’s ironic that Kim Catrall is hiding from a man in a dusty chamber, considering that, on “Sex and the City”, she asked men to hide their penis in her dusty chamber.
-“He sells camel dung.” When was this ever an occupation?
-“I want to smoke and tell your father to go to hell.” Sounds like a typical marriage to me.
-“The Gods have bigger things to worry about than you.” For example, Thor has to worry about polishing his hammer.
-An earthquake made Emmy disappear? The Gods have weird ways of dealing with people.
-It wouldn’t be an 80’s movie without an opening done in animation.
-Is the cartoon insinuating that Emmy simply hopped on an elevator that took her into the future?
-Three dinosaurs hop onto an elevator…
-Emmy’s going through time and messing things up. What a selfish bitch.
-Why are they coloring the mannequins? There’s no reason to go that in depth for something that’s only supposed to sell clothing and strike fear in the hearts of confused children everywhere.
-Andrew McCarthy is flirting with a mannequin. This is how horror films start.
-A valley of mannequin body parts. The horror!
-“Nothing beats a great pair of legs.” Except for maybe therapy for you.
-Why does the mannequin have nipples?
-Nobody cares about style and grace on a mannequin. It’s product promotion, not high-class art.
-How many sculptors get their start with mannequins?
-Dead-eye stare from the mannequin. Chills just went up my spine. How is this a comedy again?
-Now Jonathan is a party host. He’s essentially doing the deeds of a clown, sans the makeup. Basically, he’s a pedophile for hire.
-What kind of an insult is biscuit brains?
-The giant balloon is carrying the snooty birthday boy into the sky. Now we know where Pixar got the idea for “Up.”
-Jon got fired due to giving away the boss’ balloon. How incredibly sad.
-He got a job as a gardener, but got fired for making a bunny out of a bush. I wonder if he does that to his bush.
-He got fired as a baker at a pizza shop for making art out of pizza. Stop making art and do your damn job!
-A guy this wimpy shouldn’t be riding a motorcycle.
-“Oh look, the Road Warrior.” Mad Max reference of Legion of Doom reference?
-Jon has a girlfriend?!? He doesn’t try to sculpt her too, does he?
-“Reality is very disappointing.” So is this movie.
-“I think you should see a professional.” His girlfriend is smart. Leave him now before he makes a mannequin out of you.
-She dumped him. I should feel bad, but I agree with her decision.
-Right as she gets in the cab, it starts to rain on Jon (who’s still riding the bike). Ah, movie clichés. What a love/hate relationship we have.
-The bike won’t start, so he has to push it in the rain (accompanied by sad music). Still don’t care for this creepazoid.
-“I wanted to take you home but they wouldn’t let me.” He’s saying this to a mannequin. Seriously, you need help.
-“You’re the first thing I created that ever made me feel like an artist.” That creepy mannequin made you feel like an artist? By that standard, whoever creates those creepy dolls that are sold at Goodwill is Picasso.
-I think that mannequin gave him an erection.
-Nothing beats a crotch shot.
-The building’s owner’s grandfather’s name was “Tough” Teddy Prince. Nothing says tough like Teddy. Oh no! Here comes Teddy. Watch out, guys. Teddy will mess you up.
-“He died the way he wanted to; in women’s lingerie.” What?!?
-“Heart attack while walking through the women’s lingerie section.” Was he stiff in both senses of the word?
-The sign got knocked down. Jon tried to catch it (it’s gigantic, so what a dumb move on his part), but is now swinging on it. Harold Lloyd is rolling in his grave.
-He just got shocked. Why did I cheer this?
-Swinging on a sign gets you a job? I think we just found the solution to the recession.
-“I don’t sleep much at night.” Neither do I. Nightmares of this movie keep me awake.
-“I don’t know how we’re going to make this store great again.” Sex. Lots of sex.
-What 80’s comedy wouldn’t be complete without a snooty businessman trying to corrupt the business in order to sell it for profit? At least this snotball is played by James Spader.
-He’s setting up a date with what’s-her-face. I thought she was smart and dumped him?
-His new job is handling lingerie. I think we finally discovered what Victoria’s Secret is; sticky fingers from the male workers.
-His girlfriend’s co-worker wants to satisfy her sexually. He even gave her a visual example by humping the air. Because nothing says sexy like thrusting oxygen.
-“I want to sink my teeth into your little bottom.” Kinky!
-Jon, you can’t secretly fondle the mannequins when they’re in plain view.
-“I was just looking for panties.” He says it and he gets a slap on the wrist. I say it and I’m slapped with a harassment lawsuit.
-“I must be losing my mind.” Trust me. You lost that a long time ago.
-“I guess all artists fall in love with their creations.” I don’t think Michelangelo wanted to fuck David.
-Mesach Taylor just popped out of nowhere and scared the hell out of me. His attire scares me the most. It’s as if the 80’s had a bad case of diarrhea and this was what got shat out.
-His name is Hollywood? Is his last name Land?
-“I’m a window dresser. We’re going to have so much fun, fun, fun.” Great, Another character that needs psychiatric help. Just what we need.
-Holy shit! It’s Captain Harris. He must have lost his job at the police academy and is now a security guard at this lingerie store.
-His dog’s name is Rambo. That’s awesome!
-“I call him that because he likes to draw first blood.” Even I wouldn’t make a joke that corny.
-Crazy people come from Ohio, apparently.
-Hollywood just had a random freak out about his thighs. I’m scared.
-I’m sure jelly donuts call to you at night, Hollywood.
-Hollywood wants to know if you can perform liposuction with a vacuum cleaner. I don’t even need to make a joke.
-“I’m a dream that once was.” More like a gaudy nightmare that never stops.
-Ah! The mannequin turned into Kim Catrall. Run!
-“Am I in the Twilight Zone or just nuts?” Just nuts.
-“Does this feel like a hallucination?” More like a bad acid trip.
-Jonathan is blowing off his date to spend the night with a mannequin. This has horror movie written all over it.
-Mannequins love power tools.
-If she could feel Jon putting her together, does that mean he got to second base with her?
-“Tonight, we’re going to do something different. Something special. Something this store has never seen before.” Customers?
-“You’re a mannequin. You’ll always have work.” Not if she gets put in a wood chipper.
-“I’m going to wind up in the nuthouse after this.” Rightfully so.
-Now she’s flashing him. Mannequins are horny.
-Jon slept with a hobo, not the mannequin. I think that may be crazier.
-Honestly, if somebody’s going to stand me up, I hope they say it’s because they spent the night partying with a mannequin that came to life. At least I got a good story out of it.
-“I’m not lying. I’m insane.” Insane people can lie.
-Did Jonathan really call his mother to ask if his grandparents had an incestuous relationship?
-What kind of city gets excited for a mannequin display?
-If the most amazing thing you ever seen was a mannequin display, you live a sad life.
-You can take classes on ass-kissing?
-They’re having a meeting on mannequin displays. What the hell?
-Hollywood’s dialogue is like Randy Savage’s promos, but with the energy and finesse taken out of them.
-Superman takes his suit off to reveal his costume. Hollywood takes his tacky attire off to reveal a business suit.
-“Please don’t tell anybody you seen me like this. I have a reputation to uphold.” What reputation?
-Hollywood’s plan is to threaten jumping off a building if Jon loses his job? This just got depressing.
-A mannequin display just saved this company from folding. My head hurts.
-If you were born to make mannequin displays, I pity you.
-After being told by Richards to keep an eye on Jonathan, Felix asked, with a smile on his face, if he wanted to strip search him. I’m uncomfortable.
-“You people that work at night scare me.” Fuck you, too!
-Emmy dated Christopher Columbus. Any other historical figures she hooked up with. Did she have an affair with Abraham Lincoln?
-“He wasn’t interested in me. He was involved with some guy named David.” I already made that joke earlier.
-Emmy’s dancing. It wouldn’t be an 80’s comedy without dancing.
-Why are they dressed as Bonnie and Clyde?
-Are they just playing dress up now?
-Are they just showing us the music video made to promote this movie?
-Shouldn’t Felix have heard the music and tracked them down by now?
– Hollywood appears and Emmy freezes. Hints at Jon being crazy or just cheap effect for jokes?
– “Maybe I can get G.I. Joe and we’ll double date.” Cheap jokes it is.
-“I’m going to go meet Albert for dinner. I hope he doesn’t mind.” Hollywood is stalking his ex. Why does the “humor” in this film seem better acquainted for a thriller?
-Jonathan is the only one that can see Emmy alive because the Gods say so. Don’t these Gods have more important things to do than mess around with an “artist” with a creepy mannequin fetish?
-Mannequins scare dogs.
-Jonathan lost his pants. Cue the laugh track.
-The new display is bicyclists. How exciting.
-Old people trying to use new slang is never funny.
-Those of us that work nights don’t wake up for lunch. We’re either going to bed by then or waking up a few hours later.
-I think if you nearly burn down a restaurant, they won’t let you back in.
-Roxanne is offering Jonathan a job at her store. Never before has a mannequin display worker been such a hot commodity.
-Is Jonathan about to tell her he’s seeing another woman and that’s it a mannequin?
-“I finally found a place where I belong.” The loony bin?
-Jonathan nearly set the restaurant on fire again. How hard is it not to set a building on fire?
-Felix fell out of a plane and landed on his face during the war. That doesn’t explain his excitement for strip searches.
-Ventriloquists aren’t mad geniuses.
-“Tonight we nail that little fart blossom.” That’s going in my vocabulary.
-The new display is that of a beach. They’re pretending to be sunbathing. The audience is pretending to care.
-Sunbathing a mannequin is a dirty job.
-Felix is wheeling Rambo around. I’ll admit, that’s funny.
-Roxanne and her creepy co-worker are spying on Jonathan. Of course, they’re right next to Felix, yet he doesn’t spot them.
-“I’ve always wanted to make love in the middle of a ladies shoe department.” Snitsky, is that you?
-“You mean you took me serious.” I’m not taking anything in this movie serious.
-Did Emmy just go after Jonathan’s crotch?
-Rambo ran in the other direction and Felix is throwing a hissy fit. Bless G.W. Bailey. He’s doing his best to save this movie. He can’t salvage this garbage, but he’s making it a tad tolerable.
-Felix caught Jonathan rolling around with the mannequin. There’s comedy there, but I still feel this is better suited for a horror movie.
-Roxxy just found out she was dumped for a mannequin. Instead of getting jealous, I’d be glad I escaped the grasp of a psychopath.
-Her sleazy coworker is taking pictures. Blackmail or fap material?
-“Oh, my camera.” You don’t nonchalantly say this when you break your camera.
-Felix is saying he’s going to handle things his own way while cracking his knuckles and seductively licking his lips. I don’t like where this is going.
-He punched him in the back. I’m relieved.
-“This is for my momma!” What?!?
-Jon is using the tennis ball machine on Felix. A good way to avoid it is to step aside.
-He tackled Felix through the soccer balls. Spear! Spear! Spear!
-Emmy kicked Felix. Jon had it under control, though.
-“How did you do that?” You can accept the fact that she came to life, but are puzzled by how she can kick someone. You really need help.
-“That will teach him to mess with his man and his mannequin.” You know those people that make terrible jokes and think they’re funny (besides me)? Those people happen to be the writers for this movie.
-Why are they riding bikes in the store? Also, why is Hollywood there? Why do I care?
-Now Emmy’s paragliding through the store. Why does this store sell these things?!?
-“We take him or we die trying.” Imagine dying after trying to take down a man and his mannequin. That’s quite the obituary.
-She purposely crashed into Felix. Couldn’t she break doing so?
-“Did you see how high I was?” Not as high as the writers were.
-He wants to have children with her? How does that even work? Will they be half human, half mannequin? I guess plastic surgery would never be an option.
-“There could never be anything better than being here with you?” Really? You can travel through time and can’t find someone better than Jonathan? Genghis Khan would be a better spouse than him.
-The new display is half naked mannequins? How is that original and unique?
-Oh, there’s a bus and a crossing guard. Doesn’t explain why the other mannequins are nearly naked. A nudist colony?
-You suck at life when you break a lamp simply by touching it.
-“I caught him doing horrible things to a half naked dummy.” This is how they find me every Tuesday morning.
-They’re going to fire Felix? No!
-“I don’t care if he wears a rubber glove on his head and runs around naked in the store yelling, “Hi, I’m a squid!” What the fuck?!?
-Richards is getting fired, too. I guess I can sacrifice Felix for that.
-Jonathan is making headlines? It must be a slow news day.
-Are they standing by a door trying to take a peak into Jonathan’s work? Don’t these people have anything else better to do.
-It still baffles me that mannequin displays equal success.
-Making mannequin displays netted Jonathan a Vice President job. I’ve going about my life all wrong.
-How did Roxanne get those photos developed? I thought she broke her camera.
-“I don’t want to ruin his life. I just want to hire him.” By doing so, you’d be ruining his life.
-They allow Jonathan into the women’s room? That’s creepy.
-If they all know he talks to the dummy, they won’t be surprised to find out he gets freaky with it.
-Do they not hear Emmy’s voice, too?
-Hollywood walked in on Jonathan making out with the mannequin. At least he had his pants on.
-“You know I would never bother you when you’re getting a piece of wood.” Did he just insinuate what I think he was insinuating?
-Hollywood’s cry sounds like a goat being mutilated.
-“Come on. Hollywood’s waiting.” They named him that simply so they could have that line, didn’t they?
-Did Jonathan just call Hollywood sugar?
-Felix is working with Richards in bringing Jonathan down. Yay! Felix isn’t leaving.
-They’re going to smuggle Emmy into their store in hopes of drawing in Jonathan. I’m surprised they didn’t just try to get him a hooker mannequin.
-The new display is a photo shoot. I have to admit, it looks nice.
-He’s going to drive Emmy around town. Just because it’s night doesn’t people aren’t out.
-“You’re driving around town with a mannequin on the back of your motorcycle. What’s wrong with this picture?” The mannequin has clothes on?
-You know you’re a bad girlfriend when a mannequin makes your hubby feel better.
-Roxxy is going to sleep with her sleazy coworker. Somehow, that’s worse than screwing a mannequin.
-“Look at him with the dummy.” “Who are you to criticize?” That exchange made me laugh harder than it should have.
-Felix and Richards are chasing Jonathan and the mannequin. This is unbridled insanity.
-The mannequin is flipping them off. Now that’s funny!
-“Felix Maxwell takes this from no mannequin.” If any other character said this, I’d roll my eyes. Yet, Bailey makes it work.
-Felix and Richards are crashing into dozens of cars. Did they let Kelsey Grammar drive?
-They drove into a back alley and got the car stuck between two walls (a few feet off the ground, no less). Can’t wait for them to explain to the police that they were chasing a mannequin.
-Her coworker can’t get it up. It adds nothing to this film but a cheap laugh. Eh, I guess it worked.
-Kim Catrall is entranced by the city. Give her a few more years and she’ll be having sex in it.
-Jon and Emmy are having sex in a tent in the store. Does he have to wear protection?
-Now they’re lying naked in a hammock. Somebody’s going to walk in, aren’t they?
-“I feel like I can do anything. Windows are only the start.” He’ll be doing entranceways next. Maybe he’ll hook up with one of those high-class mannequins that accompany it.
-How did Felix and Richards get out of the car? They were caved in.
-“That dummy of his has got to be here.” That’s not a nice thing to say about Hollywood. Oh, you meant the mannequin. Never mind.
-“I put the future in the hands of a vegetable.” Big Idea Entertainment put vegetables in stories of the past.
-Richards has his face dug in the ass of a mannequin.
-“Did you ever notice how they all sort of look alike?” That’s discrimination.
-Nobody caught Jonathan naked with the mannequin. An entire crowd just found him naked in the morning.
-They’re applauding him. What the hell?
-Why are they so forgiving of a mannequin display worker. The society in this film scares the hell out of me.
-“You know what works for me? Crying shamelessly.” I’m crying in shame simply from watching this movie.
-Of course Hollywood has a hot pink car with a license plate that reads “Bad Girl”.
-Why is he hiding his car under a polka dotted blanket that says “Hollywood” on it?
-Why did they go to all of this trouble of stealing the mannequin(s) just to get Jonathan in their office? Why not just abduct him and blackmail him with the photos? Then again, if those photos went wide, they’d probably just give Jonathan the Nobel Peace Prize.
-“How does fifty-five thousand a year sound to you?” Not as good as having sex with a mannequin.
-Jon just punched Richards. I didn’t know he had it in him.
-Normally when a man chases a woman, it’s because he loves her. Not because he wants his mannequin back.
-Felix has a new dog named Terminator. I miss Rambo.
-Terminator just runs by Jonathan. Felix’s dogs don’t follow orders.
-How many security guards does this store have?
-These are the bumbling guards that run into each other and slip and slide.
-Roxxy is going to destroy the mannequins. Oh, the inhumanity!
-She’s putting them into the wood chipper. Called it!
-Hollywood to save the day with a hose.
-“This is what being a man’s all about, honey.” Being a man is all about spraying other men with a hose? I need to reevaluate my life.
-“Mine’s is bigger than yours is.” We know he’s referencing his penis. Does that mean Hollywood is happy to be spraying his “white liquid” onto disenchanted men? Couldn’t that be considered rape?
-Watching a man risk his life for a mannequin is depressing.
-Why is he struggling on lifting a mannequin? It’s not that heavy.
-Emmy coming to life didn’t help matters. She just added more weight.
-It’s about time that factory worker turned the wood chipper off. A man was only risking his life for a mannequin. Have some compassion.
-It took them this long to think of turning off the water supply to stop Hollywood. What a bunch of morons!
-Why did he snap his fingers at them?
-The Gods have decided it’s okay for everybody to see Emmy now. Why did it take them this long? Are you telling me men such as Christopher Columbus weren’t good enough to break their illustrious spell, but a creepy mannequin worker was? This movie is giving me a headache.
-“Now you’ll have to love me forever.” Realizing this, Jonathan throws her in the wood chipper. Okay, he doesn’t and that joke was really dark. Even so, I thought it would be a funny twist.
-The factory worker wants a mannequin of his own. Will the Gods give him a bride?
-The factory worker mistook Roxxy for a mannequin. Well, her performance was as wooden as one.
-“Momma put the coins on my eyes cause I surely don’t believe what I’m seeing.” What?!?
-They found Jonathan, only for his manager to save him by having video footage of Felix and Richards stealing her mannequins. Nobody seems to care Emmy, a random woman to them, has her arms wrapped around Jonathan (though Felix did say she’s the dummy). My head is really hurting thanks to this movie, so screw it.
-“Where did you come from?” “Roxxy, you would never understand.” You would probably think it’s the plot to a dumb romantic comedy.
-We’re going to end with the factory worker cleaning up the mess (with funky music playing)? Really?!?
-He’s going to dry hump the mannequins first.
-Jonathan and Emmy get married in the window display. Blah.
That’s “Mannequin”. A romantic comedy that’s better suited for a horror movie. Think about it. A man, obsessed with mannequins, believes one comes to life. The further he falls into dementia, the more those around him are harmed. The sex scenes were already creepy. At least now they would have a reason to be. Of course, this means we’d probably lose G.W. Bailey, the film’s only shining spot. We’d most likely gain a good production, so I think it’d be worth it.
I’ll see you all next week as “Love Sucks” month rolls on.