Welcome one and all to another edition of Movienalia. In this month of February, love is in the air. To counter-act this, I present the “Love Sucks” month. The next few weeks will be filled with movies centered around love that are just terrible. Doesn’t matter what kind of love.
To kick us off is the sequel to the film that made John Travolta a star, “Grease 2”. He’s nowhere to be found, nor is the majority of the original cast. The film still takes place in Rydell High, still deals with love, is still filled with bubblegum musical numbers and is still a drag. Though I don’t like it, I can at least admit “Grease” hit the right notes with it’s core story and tone. This, however, skipped a beat and tripped over itself.
So sit back, relax, slick your hair back and enjoy my torture of “Grease 2”!
-“If the Russians can put a man in space, just imagine what our students at Rydell can do.” Make macaroni art depicting the Russians in space?
-Oh no! They’re dancing. Those hooligans!
-Why are they dancing? It’s the first day of school. They should be miserable.
-That pink buggy looks like a vagina.
-Is Michelle Pfieffer doing an impression of John Travolta?
-Is dancing supposed to be anti-establishment? If so, the High School Musical gang are nothing but no-good rebels.
-“What are you going to be when you grow up?” Not an actor, that’s for sure.
-It’s the twins from “The Shining” all grown up.
-Did that teacher just say she may bare all in music class?
-“Any cousin of yours is a cousin of mine.” That’s not how genetics work.
-Since he’s French, he’s going to be loved by the girls and hated by the guys, right?
-As terrible as the “I flunked out of beauty school after turning my hair pink” joke was, it could have been worse. It could have been “I flunked out of beauty school because I’m ugly.”
-“Think pink.” Think like a porn star?
-When are they going to stop dancing and go to class?
-You know what’s worse than going back to school? Watching this movie.
-These greasers are rebels without a clue.
-“You’re going to love Rydell.” I’m going to love it as much as I love dog shit.
-“From the front, this is a perfect nose.” I bet Triple H tells himself that in the mirror every morning.
-Steph gives lube jobs at a gas station. This can’t be misinterpreted in any way shape or form.
-“There’s no scene.” There’s no point, either.
-“You may turn up on the bandstand, but your beak will still be turning down.” Ooh, how edgy of those greasers. They’re not ones to be messed with. Be careful, they may stab you with their dull wit.
-“I wouldn’t fool around with Mother Nature if I were you.” Especially when it’s her time of the month.
-Michael, the French exchange student, has pissed off the greasers. Watch out, Mikey. They’ll gag you with hair gel.
-“Can’t you read?” I’m surprised these greasers can.
-Nobody is intimidating when they hum.
-“Standing me up is also bad for your health.” Is that a threat?
-Miss Mason has boobs. I get it. Move on.
-She’s had worse things than rats near her breasts.
-You’d have a nervous breakdown too if you had to be in this movie.
-“It’s better to play with a group than yourself.” I don’t know. Orgies can get pretty weird.
-Why would schools entrust students with chemicals that could cause an explosion? That’s like trusting a pedophile to watch your children.
-Michael gets straight A’s. He’ll get straight beatings because of this.
-The twins love Michael. Go figure.
-“I will not take no for an answer.” That’s how you wind up in prison.
-Why are their virgin alerts? It’s not like they’re going to spread anything.
-A whole week has passed already? But, how did the first day go? Did everybody randomly dance again? I need to know!
-Pink ladies are only allowed to date greasers. It’s discrimination that nobody cares about.
-“Football is like life. You’ve got to push.” Football is more like giving birth. Both involve ass slapping.
-This coach probably masturbates to the boys while they’re in the shower.
-Who are these guys? Top tier greasers? Do they have special privileges, like 25% off of hair gel?
-“Tonight, we bowl?” Do you bowl in hell?
-Why do I find it strange to see nuns bowling?
-“You’ve got to put your fingers in the holes.” A comment I’ve heard one too many times in my life.
-It’s been longer than ten minutes. You know what that means. Random musical number!
-A musical number about bowling. Really?!?
-“We’re going to score tonight.” Singing about bowling usually ensures you won’t score.
-This is like a bowling tutorial for the criminally insane.
-She wears her sunglasses indoors. That mean she’s cool and edgy.
-Nuns singing that they’re going to score is hilarious.
-I’d like to see a musical number fail. Somebody tries to start one, but everybody else laughs at him/her.
-“You bowl me over.” That sounds like a bad Hallmark card line.
-“Howdy, fellas. Let’s bowl some balls.” That sounds like it would hurt.
-What kind of a nickname is Goose? Was Swan taken?
-Steph is kissing Michael to make Johnny jealous. Oh no she didn’t!
-Yelling “Boom” isn’t intimidating.
-What would a pink lady mascot even be? A giant tampon?
-Did Michael just ask a 12 year-old out on a date? This just got creepy.
-They park in the faculty parking lot. Take that, establishment!
-“Could you imagine dying a virgin?” I’d rather not imagine that I’m Rocky Dennis.
-Mr. Stuart and Ms. Mason are going to get it on.
-Nothing says anti-establishment like entering a talent show.
-Why are these teachers taking crap from the students? It’s the 60’s. Beat their asses.
-A good way not to get caught smoking in school is to not smoke in school. That or go to the bathroom.
-Swallowing cigarettes is a trick Nick Nolte invented.
-These twins creep me out.
-I’d rather be called Woodchuck than Dolores.
-If you ever wanted to see a talent show full of talent less hacks, this movie’s got you covered.
-“I’m free everyday. It’s in the Constitution.” Did Steph really think that was witty?
-That has to be the worst tree costume I’ve ever seen. It’s a box with the word tree written on it.
-He rescued her book. It’s true love!
-Yay! Random musical number.
-Steph wants a Cool Rider. What about an easy one?
-Why is she still singing? Everybody left.
-Where’s that echo coming from?
-The whole point she started this song was to tell Michael what she’s looking for in a guy. She’s all alone now, yet she’s still singing about what she wants in a guy. Who is she telling this to, the ghosts of Rydell? On that note, imagine if Casper was a greaser.
-How is calling someone English an insult?
-The key to a woman’s heart is a motorcycle, apparently.
-Some schools have drug dealers. This one has essay dealers. How edgy.
-Does Michael live in a fallout shelter?
-I wonder how long until Michael starts singing about doing homework.
-How many dots is Mr. Stuart going to draw on that vagina?
-The best time to conceive is when I have an erection.
-“Where do babies come from?” A stork named Phil.
-Mr. Stuart is singing about reproduction. This is fucking glorious!
-Sex Education would have been so much better if the teacher sang euphemisms.
-Why is he only yelling at Goose for getting out of his seat? All of them are out of their seats and dancing.
-Where did he get that bunny from?
-“What’s the rush? You gotta take a pill?” Singing about sex doesn’t make you pregnant, moron.
-A montage set to fixing a motorcycle. How riveting.
-I haven’t seen someone crash that bad since Mel Gibson.
-After “Halloween”, Mr. Sandman will always creep me out. Three suave men singing it only makes it worse.
-T-Bones is a better gang name than T-Birds.
-This movie’s so bad that Michelle Pfieffer fell asleep.
-Never play “Mr. Sandman” while four men watch other men in the shower.
-Is this gang rivalry between the T-Birds and whoever the hell these other greasers are going to amount to anything?
-Michael just did a drive-by crane kick on a bike. I have to admit, that’s pretty badass!
-A good way to kill that bad-assery is to insert a musical number.
-“Who’s that guy?” Nobody important.
-“It doesn’t really matter that I haven’t seen his face.” He could be Darkman, for all you know.
-Now that the stand-off is over, it’s time to bowl.
-“I don’t know what I’m feeling.” I know what I’m feeling. It’s contempt.
-First, he rescued her book. Now, he’s lighting her cigarette. Next, he’ll buy her a pack of gum and win her heart.
-He just drove over the cop car. He’s getting some later.
-“Have you ever read a Superman comic?” What kind of a pick-up line is that?
-Nose job, walking into a door. Same difference.
-Did the Coach just tell his players that, if the Russians bomb them, to catch the bomb?
-“A bomb’s a bomb.” This movie is a bomb.
-A song about tricking a woman into sex by faking a nuclear war. What the fuck?!?
-Bullets don’t explode, you buffoon.
-“It’d be like we’re doing it for the Statue of Liberty.” I hear she puts out.
-America wants you to have sex.
-Fifty cents for gas? Hot damn!
-Blowing your lube job for a ride is not the best idea. Also, I couldn’t have worded that worse.
-Cowgirl position while riding on a bike. How kinky.
-Why would you take her back to work?
-How does she not recognize it’s Michael? All he’s wearing are goggles and a helmet. No wonder he asked her if she read Superman comics. He’s stealing Clark Kent’s moves.
-“Talent show? How’d he know?” It’s not hard to find out about a talent show. It’s not a secret.
-“We don’t care, Sharon!” My sentiments exactly.
“He’s a dead man. D-E-D.” I knew he couldn’t spell.
-A musical number on a greaser’s guide to getting lucky. These keep getting weirder and weirder.
-Silhouettes of women running register. What the hell?
-Have they been carrying around that street sign this whole time?
-Michael is as smooth as molasses when not riding the bike.
-“What if he’s just a normal guy under the helmet?” That’s the least of your worries. What you should be worried about is if he’s a she under the helmet.
-“You must think I’m some kind of dummy, don’t you?” Pretty much.
-Nothing says love like double ketchup.
-“What is this? A nerds night out?” That’s the best you could come up with?
-“I’ve got a reputation to protect.” Not much of one.
-Why is everything in this movie pink? It’s like a Barbie dollhouse.
-Is Michael singing a musical number in his mind?
-Why is his voice so low? I can barely make out what he’s saying.
-Behind my charades sounds like the title of a Harry Houdini biography.
-You know he’s upset when he slams a random locker shut.
-If he could kick an entire gang’s ass, I don’t think the Cool Rider would have any problem with the T-Birds. Hell, the Jonas Brothers wouldn’t have a problem dealing with the T-Birds.
-“I’m going to die and I’m wearing my mother’s underwear.” This dialogue is giving me a headache.
-Cool Rider could have easily turned left. Why do they automatically assume he drove into the pit?
-“Where did he go? Biker Heaven?” There’s a separate heaven for bikers? Are only Harley Davidsons allowed?
-Cool Rider may have died. Now enjoy the talent show!
-Can accordions even be red hot?
-You’re being tied up. Stop singing “Mr. Sandman”.
-Oh no! They turned water on them. How cruel those T-Birds are.
-Where the hell did they get enough cash for that lavish set?
-The girl for all seasons? Is there a girl for just winter?
-The woman dressed up as a coin is freaking me out.
-Steph is having Nam… er, Cool Rider flashbacks.
-“I’m going to miss all the things we won’t be able to do.” You can’t miss something you didn’t do. That’s like saying I’ll miss never being rich.
-Holy shit! They actually made a Biker Heaven for the film. Granted, it’s just a pile of bikes smothered in smoke. Even so, the fact they went through with it is ridiculous.
-“The only thing that matters is that I love you.” That and taxes.
-“Turn back the hands of time.” Can I turn back the hands of time to before I seen this film? I was happier then.
-How can two people win a talent show? What a cop out.
-Ah,, it’s the twins! They came out of nowhere.
-Wait a minute. If Michael disappeared due to the “accident”, who played the piano at the talent show? He was the pianist for all of the acts, after all.
-Why are we luauing?
-You know what would be better than summer coming? The ending of this movie coming.
-“Think not what your country can do for you. Think what you can do for country.” What not to do for your country: make “Grease 2”.
-How far ahead in time did we go? Has Michael been missing for months?
-It’s that random biker gang from earlier coming to crash the party. Will they finally serve a purpose?
-Throwing cake is not a good defense strategy.
-Here’s Cool Rider to save the day. Sans his helmet, for some reason.
-He drove right over the pool. Fonzie, eat your heart out.
-Michael revealed himself as the Cool Rider right after making the bad bikers fall into the pool. Why is getting wet such a hazard in this film?
-He took out an entire gang. Johnny, you’re about as much as a threat to him as Betty White is to Mike Tyson.
-Michael is now a T-Bird. Wouldn’t it have been better if they broke the stupid Pink Angels rule and let Steph date him because she loved him?
-“I’ve never been certainer.” Certainer’s not a word. I do think you’re a dummy.
-Can’t end the movie without one more musical number.
-I get it. You two can love each other by being yourselves and not care what others think about it. We don’t need a soapy song about it.
-“I like what you got. I guess it’s alright if you show it.” That Johnny is one smooth cat.
-Why does Michael look drunk?
-Now they’re graduating. They’re still singing the song, leading me to believe they’ve been singing it for weeks now.
-Why are they jumping into the camera? This isn’t 3D.
That’s “Grease 2”. A thin plot somehow stretched out to two hours. As insipid as it was, I can’t help but admire a film that has a musical number about sex. There’s not much else to admire, though. Well, outside of a young Christopher McDonald hamming it up as a T-Bird. Other than that, this film was just plain greasy. See what I did there?
I’ll see you all next week as “Love Sucks” month rolls on.