Welcome one and all to another edition of Movienalia. This week’s film is “Robo Vampire”. You hear a title like that and expect a movie about a robotic vampire. Not exactly. What you get is a Robocop versus a vampire. Wait, that sounds awesome. Once again, not exactly.
You see, this Robocop looks like a walking garbage can and the vampire(s) resemble zombies. Also, a good chunk of this movie revolves around drug smuggling and saving a damsel in distress. It’s easy to lose track (or not care) about it. Don’t take my word for it. Find out for yourself. Well, you’ll still be taking my word for it. You know what I mean.
So sit back, relax, grab your bootleg Robocop toy and enjoy my torture of “Robo Vampire”.
-Is that a casket? Is Richard Greico’s career in there?
-Why are they freaking out about dead bodies in caskets? What did they expect to be in there?
-Being afraid of the snakes is understandable.
-Did that snake just jump out of the casket?
-I can’t explain why, but shooting at snakes is funny. Not saying it’s humane, just funny in film. Don’t attack me, PETA.
-Now there’s zombies. Ones that look like somebody puked on them.
-After all of the zombie films out there, you’d think people would automatically shoot for the head.
-These zombies hop. This must have inspired “The Jitters.”
-These zombies don’t eat your brains. They simply choke you to death.
-They also breathe smoke. Did they die of lung cancer via cigarettes?
-When zombies and snakes are attacking you, it’s a good idea to focus on them. Don’t beat up on your captive.
-Zombies can tackle, too. I want to see a zombie football movie now.
-That was the funniest scream ever. Imagine Bulk & Skull from the “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers” screaming.
-The zombie just did a cartwheel. He must have been a gymnast in his past life.
-He chomped away on this guy. This zombie must be picky.
-The title card just popped up. This begs the question; what do zombies have to do with robo vampires?
-Now we’re witnessing what I believe is drug smuggling. That or they’re importing flour.
-The army brats got them.
-When being shot at, a nonchalant “Oh, fuck” doesn’t suffice.
-Is that Father Guido Sarducci?
-Wait a minute. What happened with the army brats and the drug smuggles? A shootout started, yet we panned to an underground meeting of bad guys. I’m confused.
-“He’ll train vampires to deal with him.” You can train vampires? If so, teach Edward how to emote.
-“Find a new way to smuggle the heroin in.” This moment was when smuggling anally was born.
-Did he say the Dallas Vampires? Sounds like a kick-ass basketball team.
-The delivery man gets eerie music. Does the truck driver get comical music?
-What did he freak out about? Oh my God, stairs!
-Is he talking to the dead bodies?
-Where did that guy come from? And why does he have an uncooked turkey in a bowl?
-Are they smuggling heroin in through turkeys? Talk about a messed up Thanksgiving dinner.
-When somebody becomes a zombie, crud magically appears on their faces. Okay then.
-Oh, they’re smuggling the heroin through caskets with dead bodies in them. Those zombies are going to get high.
-That zombie has novelty Halloween costume hands.
-Those are zombies, not vampires. This movie lied to me!
-“You start a fire, the vampires will wake up.” Burn, baby burn! Vampire inferno!
-Way to burn your cock on a cigarette.
-Holy shit! The turkey’s flying.
-The zombies are hurling turkey at them. Food fight!
-Also, I don’t care if they call them vampires. They’re zombies to me, damn it!
-The zombies have incredible leaping abilities, too.
-That zombie is spanking his ass.
-That zombie’s special power is the super push.
-How the hell did they get electrocuted?
-Stick paper with oriental writing (in blood) on the zombies and they will freeze. This is exactly like “The Jitters”. They were referred to as vampires, too, but at least resembled them more (they had fangs).
-We stopped the zombies. Time to shoot some heroin.
-That guy looks like a young Charles Bronson.
-Body smuggling? What are you going to do, sell them on the black market?
-If you’ve ever wanted to see the dissection of a cow, this is your mother.
-I wonder if cow intestines adds flavor to the heroin.
-Wouldn’t the authorities wonder why they’re smuggling dead cows?
-I get it. They’re smuggling drugs through cows. I don’t need to see the whole process.
-What is this? A tutorial for drug smuggling?
-About time that scene ended.
-I love how everybody is dressed in suits, except for one guy wearing a Formula 1 Racing shirt.
-“Show us your vampire.” You’ll be disappointed. It’s a zombie instead.
-Garlic necklaces will protect you from vampires and attract guidos.
-The vampire is awoken by a sundial?
-Also, I’m warming up to calling them vampires.
-Is that the vampire’s brain pulsating or does he have a gigantic zit?
-It blew into a bubble and popped, causing an explosion. What the fuck?!?
-Where the hell did that witch come from?
-She’s a ghost whose husband is now the pet vampire. Now, she can’t be with him in the afterlife. But, you’re here now. Be with him now.
-“Orientals are a stubborn race.” Racist much?
-“I hold you responsible for my misery.” A line most commonly used in divorce cases.
-Stop twirling the sword and do something already.
-She bent his sword with magic. Suck it, Copperfield!
-He just went for the finger poke of doom.
-Why is the ground sparking?
-I haven’t seen a fight this badly choreographed since the last Steven Seagal film.
-Are they playing Patty Cake now?
-Your husband, the vampire, recognizes you. He’s getting revenge for making him miss the Super Bowl that one year to help you with your Tupperware party.
-Why is the vampire wearing an ape mask?
-Can you choke a ghost?
-Did he just extend his arm to catch her? What the fuck?!?
-These hopping vampires would kick ass at Hopscotch.
-How does he remember her tattoo, but not her face?
-“That lady ghost loves him deeply.“ The drug smuggler has a heart of gold? What?!?
-A vampire/ghost marriage would be the coolest thing ever.
-The drug smugglers got stopped by the authorities. Instead of shooting them, they ditch the car and run away, then shoot at them. Lay off the drugs and you’ll make smarter decisions.
-At least we’re getting to see this shootout.
-How did they not see him sneak around them? Seriously, lay off the drugs.
-I can’t be the only one who’s immediate reaction to the vampires hopping would be to laugh.
-The Robo Vampire (who, by the way, isn’t robotic like the title suggests) just killed a guy by shooting steamy smoke from his fingertips. What weird powers he has.
-He can also teleport and hang from trees like a monkey (which is fitting with the ape mask).
-Holy shit! He can shoot fireworks.
-Why is he leaving Robo Vampire behind? You need him, idiot!
-This must be the hospital where they steal the bodies.
-This hospital looks more like an abandoned factory.
-They’re going to use his body and make an android. So it’s Robo vs. Vampire. I thought it was both. Once again, this movie lied to me!
-We can rebuild him. We have the money (of a B-movie budget).
-Menacingly looking at a computer makes it stop? That guy’s got a badass stare, if that’s the case.
-You know how the cover makes the android look like Robocop? In actuality, he looks tin foil and garbage cans stuck together. He’s the homeless Robocop.
-Homeless Robocop can bend guns. This will come in handy when he enters the Strongest Man Alive competition.
-“You ask about drugs? I know nothing about drugs.” I’m straight edge. That means I’m better than you!
-The priest didn’t hide the drugs well. They found it in five seconds.
-Do I know who these people who are saving the priest are?
-Ran out of bullets? In an 80’s action movie?
-She said shoot her, not take her back to your rundown shack.
-“Your death won’t be so easy. For you, we have something special.” Ice cream!
-Aw, the Cheech Marin look-a-like wanted to have his way with her. But, his boss denied him.
-“I like a woman with spirit.” Then you’ll love the Vampire’s wife. She’s a ghost.
-He ripped her dress off with one swipe. Hulk Hogan would be jealous.
-We don’t need more characters. Focus on the (barely) established ones.
-Wait a minute. In trying to convince this agent to take the case, he tells him he pays one million dollars. But, this is in the hands of the government, so he’ll get paid twenty thousand dollars. Somehow, the agent thought this was a better deal.
-The agent demanded thirty thousand dollars. You could have a million, moron.
-They work in a black desktop background?
-Homeless Robocop to the rescue!
-You’re making it pretty obvious that you’re smuggling drugs.
-This guard looks like Christopher Titus.
-I just now realized that he keeps the Vampire in what appears to be a grenade.
-Another one eats the steam.
-Fireworks to the back. What a way to go.
-Here comes Homeless Robocop. Time for a showdown!
-The Vampire is avoiding the bullets by rolling on the ground. Just teleport.
-Now he teleported. Took him long enough.
-That fight was quicker than the Lesnar/Overeem match.
-You’re not Robo Warrior. You’re Homeless Robocop.
-Did they steal this music from a Nintendo game?
-Oh no! They’re shooting at us while we’re canoeing. Quick, paddle faster!
-“What do we do?” Not get shot.
-When your escape plan is a motor boat, you may want to rethink things.
-Their motorboat was shot at and exploded. Told you so.
-That agent’s name is Andy. Doesn’t sound intimidating enough. Nobody fears and respects Andy Bond.
-His torture plan for her is to drip water on her. Why is she freaking out?
-Water makes her pass out.
-The man with the tattooed hand would love Lisbeth Salander.
-Arm wrestling contest? Somebody call Sylvester Stallone.
-“Go and see what’s happening.” He got punched. That’s what’s happening.
-Knife duel!
-That went fast. Do any of the fights in this movie last longer than me in bed?
-A soldier was hiding in the panels of the gazebo. That dude must have owned at hide and seek when he was a kid.
-The problem with using the “Talk or I’ll kill you” routine is that, if you kill him, you won’t get the information. Therefore, there’s no reason for him to talk. He knows you’ll keep him alive.
-A kick to the balls is a heel move. You’re the hero. You kick him in the shin.
-Who the hell is she? Where are these random characters coming from?
-She’s Wendy, Andy’s sister. Are we going to meet any more relatives or can we move on with the story?
-He had a stick. All you had to do was warn your partner that he was going to hit him. You didn’t have to shoot the stick. You could have missed and shot your partner. Over a stick.
-Instead of making robotic noises, Homeless Robocop should make tin foil crunching noises.
-When did they start that fire?
-Did Homeless Robocop stop the fire by crawling in the sand beneath it?
-I don’t think hopping vampires will do much harm to Homeless Robocop.
-Can these vampires disappear too or was that simply a bad edit?
-Can’t shoot them; stab them with the gun instead.
-They blew Homeless Robocop up with a bazooka. His demise looked like tin foil was rotting.
-The robot blew up. You should have called for emergency backup earlier.
-How can you rebuild him? He was blown to smithereens.
-Are they welding him together with fireworks?
-They revived him and now he walks like a zombie.
-How can you trash a town that’s already filthy?
-Never fuck with a flea market dealer. He’ll kick your ass sideways.
-Instead of taking a beating one at a time, why not just gang up on him?
-They shot the wall next to you. How did that hurt you?
-You have to have pride for it to be hurt.
-You’re waging a war against them and you’re surprised they ambushed your village?
-If you’re afraid the grenade is unpinned, run. Don’t stand next to it.
-Now’s not the best time to go skinny dipping.
-When a woman is bathing nude and tells you to go away, you don’t jump in naked yourself. That could land you in jail.
-Of course, this is a movie. So, she goes from disgusted to pleased within a matter of seconds.
-This man is the Iron Chef of vampire resurrections. All flash for a simple task.
-Should a ghost being seductive turn me on?
-When most men are horny, they don’t flap their arms.
-Can a ghost and a vampire even have sex?
-Here comes Homeless Robocop to crash the party. Maybe he’ll join. Threesome!
-I’ll laugh if he just watches them have sex.
-Homeless Robocop won’t kill them because they’re in love. Does everybody succumb to the power of love in this movie?
-I don’t care about Homeless Robocop’s past. If you wanted me to, you should have developed him from the start.
-“As long as you’re a cop, I never want to see you again.” If that’s the case, then you’re arrested. I’ll make sure to check up on you every hour, that way you have to see me.
-You didn’t know marrying a cop would be dangerous? What did you think he was, a meter maid?
-Back to the present. The cop with marital issues is now a robot. Him being a cop is looking up now.
-He let you live. Don’t be a bitch and attack him.
-She used her powers to tie his feet together in a rope. That’s the best she can do?
-Now it’s a handicap match. Her vampire husband attacked Homeless Robocop from behind.
-He knocked the ape mask off. Shit just got real.
-How did they shock him?
-Homeless Robocop has been locked in the casket.
-Does this rescue of Sophie have anything to do with the rest of this movie?
-Do these guys aim or just shoot aimlessly? They’ve been out of sight for the past ten seconds.
-The heroes just hijacked a man’s monorail. That just makes them easier to shoot at.
-They just barely dodged a bazooka blast by jumping out in the nick of time. I told you riding the monorail was a dumb idea. Nobody listens to me.
-How convenient for them that they fell into a lake.
-They got captured. I guess it was pretty easy to simply walk down. Why they hopped into the monorail in the first place is beyond me.
-Why does this water freak people out?
-Oh great. Another random character. Did they forget they needed somebody to rescue the heroes, so they hired a random extra to do it?
-If kicking the guard won’t hurt him, lightly tapping him won’t either.
-Tearing out his eyes will do the trick.
-The other villains are having a shootout… somewhere. I’ve lost track of what’s going on by now.
-Does he have a grenade launcher?
-Dumbass got himself killed by running into the line of fire.
-“It’s my turn.” To get shot?
-He leaped over the bullets. That’s awesome!
-He climbed the building and dropped a grenade on them. Why didn’t they leave their post and hunt him down?
-Way to “save” your teammates and attack their killer five seconds after he dropped by the bomb.
-So the good guys are being saved by their partners. I could have sworn I seen the bad guys trying to infiltrate the building a few minutes ago. What the hell is going on?
-You know what? People are dying. I don’t care whether they’re good or bad. I’m done trying to follow this plot. Linear Algebra would be an easier task.
-When did Sophie escape? I thought they got locked in with her. I’m already breaking my promise from the last line. Forget I asked.
-He got knocked into tar and is selling it like death.
-Why are you yelling at each other? You’re right next to each other.
-Tar Man is back and is completely cleaned off.
-Now he got shot. So much for that second wind.
-That was the worst building explosion I’ve ever seen. The building is still standing.
-Homeless Robocop is taking out the bad guys. Wasn’t he locked in a casket?
-The Vampire and Homeless Robocop resume their fight from earlier.
-The Vampire can become invisible? Why the hell is he just now using it?
-Fireworks are no match for Homeless Robocop.
-A bitch slap is, though.
-Airplane spin!
-Where did that other vampire come from? Why isn’t he just using his wife as a tag team partner again?
-A couple walking by just got attacked by the vampire. Why they were walking by an abandoned building is left unanswered.
-Another couple gets attacked. How are they not noticing a vampire in an ape mask and an android rummaging about?
-Into the city they go.
-They should fight in Club Paradise.
-Now they’re on a bridge. Pick a location and fight.
-Why is Homeless Robocop following him? Just shoot him!
-That bridge was empty a second ago. Where did those people come from?
-When taking hostages, you don’t let them go and leave yourself open.
-I forgot that bullets have no affect on the Vampire.
-Either the Vampire missed with that fireball or he hated that window.
-Where did those four vampires come from? Why does everybody randomly appear out of thin air in this movie?
-He’s puking up worms. Yum yum!
-They’re going to White Castle. Look out for Harold and Kumar.
-The Vampire’s creator just got swung around on rope by the ghost wife.
-Why does his sword produce sparks?
-I just seen ghost breasts.
-He just painted on her chest with his fingers. There’s no other way for me to describe it.
-Stop producing more vampires. They’re doing no harm to Homeless Robocop.
-Hopping around him is their game plan? No wonder they constantly lose.
-The ghost wife cut the Vampire’s creator in the face.
-Homeless Robocop’s gun is also a flamethrower. Once again, something he could have used earlier.
-Vampire gets roasted. Didn’t his wife technically help make that happen? What a way to divorce someone.
-We’re going to end without finding out what happened to the ghost wife? Whatever.
That’s “Robo Vampire”. It’s nowhere near as amazing as the box art and title suggests. It’s still slightly entertaining in a cheesy way. It just doesn’t make a lick of sense. If you can trudge through the perplexity, you may enjoy it. Granted, you have to like watching B-movie garbage, though.
I’ll see you all next week!