Welcome one and all to another edition of Movienalia. This week’s induction comes from my good friend Blake. He brought this film to my attention and noted that it’s being called the next “The Room”. With such a bold statement, I couldn’t pass this up.
The film is called “I Am Here…. Now”. It’s about God coming to Earth and contemplating destroying it. That may sound basic, but so was the plot to “The Room”. It’s all in the execution. Just like Tommy Wiseau, Neil Breen doesn’t have a good grasp on filmmaking or acting. His intentions may be better (in some eyes), but the outcome is just as painfully funny.
So sit back, relax, repent your sins and revel in my torture of “I Am Here…. Now”.
-God descending from the Heavens is a lot like a computer screensaver.
-Why are there two moons? Is the other one the New Moon Stephanie Myer was referring to? Does this mean there’s an entire planet filled with Cullens? If so, blow it up now.
-Did the second moon just blow up? If so, thanks!
-Why are there four dots in the title? Is the extra one for BYO.?
-I think this is the same way Thor came crashing to earth. Except with Windows Movie Maker effects.
-Church choir music doesn’t go well with images of the desert.
-Med Jast is an amazing name!
-The desert is lonelier than Clint Howard’s bachelor pad.
-The desert wasn’t hit this bad since “Kangaroo Jack”.
-God travels in a snow globe?
-Those with foot fetishes would love this movie. We’re getting some serious close-ups of them.
-Is God a robot?
-The inside of God is reminiscent of a computer mainframe.
-God looks like the lost Osmond brother.
-God transformed into a shoddy ape costume. Put a helmet on him.
-Either go with the Osmond look or the deformed ape look. Stop switching back and forth.
-Why does he have a motherboard attached to his chest? Is he trying to make his own Iron Man costume?
-Are we just going to keep getting panning shots of his body and transformations?
-Are we supposed to pray to that snow globe?
-Six crosses in a desert. This is how a lot of spaghetti westerns begin.
-One cross is taller than the other. What a show off!
-“I’m disappointed in your species.” It’s your fault. You created us.
-Why is there a rubber spider next to a skull? Was there a giant spider invasion in the desert? If so, why didn’t we see that instead?
-One random rose is growing in the desert. Who planted it and why?
-The rose was slumped down, then went erect when God walked by. God gives roses erections.
-“Other planets I created in the solar system are doing very well.” That’s probably because you didn’t drop humans on them.
-“They respect their species and their natural environment.” Who are they?
-Aw, sweet! Dolphins. They have nothing to do with this sequence, but they’re cool.
-God just grabbed the skull. Is he going to recite Shakespeare?
-He’s asking the skull why the humans are failing. Does he expect the skull to answer?
-“I’ve given them everything.” There are no Doritos in my cabinet. Therefore, you haven’t given me everything.
-Why are their baby doll heads lying around the desert?
-Did God place the baby dolls there or were they already when he arrived? If the answer is the latter, I’m more intrigued on the story on how that came to be then God being angry at humans.
-What was with the shot of the man walking away from the naked woman on his bed?
-Again with the transformation into the ape. Is this going to serve a purpose or is this God getting his rocks off?
-There’s a truck parked in the desert. Is the driver responsible for the skulls and doll heads?
-You know how you know you’re an alcoholic? When you take your spouse out into the middle of the desert to drink beers.
-Shooting a gun into the air doesn’t make you crazy.
-Playing Russian Roulette with yourself. Now that’s crazy!
-”I’m so fucking hot!” Then don’t go into the desert.
-He comes on to her, she accepts, then he stops. She gave you the okay. Why are you stopping? Did Little Jimmy run away scared?
-He’s shooting heroin. Guess he needs to do that before having sex.
-When you make yourself bleed (a lot), that means it’s time to take the needle out.
-Is God going to watch them have sex? What a peeping tom!
-He shot God. But, he didn’t shoot the deputy.
-God healed himself. I love how he played it off like a magic trick.
-“Are we in Heaven?” You’re in the desert. My first guess would be Hell.
-“This is not the way I intended my experiment in creating this planet.” He was hoping there would be more parades and raves.
-Does God’s hand need to shine every time he performs an act?
-God just froze them. He’s the master at freeze tag.
-He’s taking the guy’s clothes off. This is getting kinky.
-He took off his clothes too. God’s punishments are severe.
-He’s just stealing his clothes. Why doesn’t he just make his own?
-How did he knock them out?
-“I’ve had to freeze you and make you disappear.” For my next trick, I’ll a rabbit out of my hat.
-I don’t know why, but God in civilian clothes makes me laugh.
-Now he’s stealing their truck. You’re God. Just float to wherever you need to go. No need for grand theft auto.
-Enough with the shots of the desert and move on with the plot.
“The humans have taken far too long to understand solar energy.” Is this a movie on religion or a commercial for solar energy?
-Also, who exactly is God talking to? He’s alone in the desert.
-Did God seriously stop driving to stand by a fence and admire solar energy, then continue on with his drive?
-God’s going to Las Vegas. He’s going to hit up the casinos and then try his hand at stand-up comedy.
-This film lingers on shots for far too long.
-There’s also something very funny about God driving a truck. It’d be even better if he turned on country music.
-Women sunbathing in the pool. How humanity has fallen!
-Three businessmen in suits. Shit’s about to go down.
-“They think they may have an opportunity to use it now. But, they’re in for a surprise.” A line only businessmen and hookers can use.
-That was the entire conversation? Okay then.
-Why do people feel the need to take a picture of the Las Vegas sign? You can easily find it online. Unless you’re going to put yourself in it, it’s quite pointless.
-Now three businesswomen are talking. Is God eavesdropping on people?
“The country is finally seriously addressing sustainability and respecting the planet’s natural resources.” What planet are you living on? It certainly isn’t Earth.
-They work at a solar energy facility. God is going to become friends with them, isn’t he?
-End of that conversation. Now, for more random shots of Las Vegas.
-Back to the businessmen.
-All we got was the men walking up stairs, then a close-up of money. Symbolism or terrible editing?
-God is lecturing us on criminal on Wall Street. I expect a Gordon Gecko cameo.
-Greed is destroying this planet. That’s right, folks. The final WCW PPV was so bad it’s destroying this planet.
-“I will eliminate them all if the humans cannot.” God just became a hitman.
-Businessmen talking business. Exciting!
-When your actors flub lines, you yell cut and restart. You don’t continue rolling the camera and let it slide.
-“It’ll take a power greater than ours to get rid of us.” Foreshadowing!
-The two women are being laid off. Weren’t they just hired?
-God coming out of nowhere and giving the boss of the solar energy facility a rose and telling her to not give up is oddly hysterical.
-Did God just disappear and reappear? Also, when someone’s hand shines like that, you may want to get tested.
-Why is it raining blood in the desert?
-Random shot of people loading guns.
-Random shot of a bloody knife.
-The woman who got fired is taking her baby (doll) for a stroll.
-You were laid off because the company didn’t have enough funding. It doesn’t matter if what you were doing was good or not. They couldn’t pay you, so they had to let you go. It’s not that hard to understand.
-“I have this baby. How am I supposed to support her if I’m all alone?” It’s called getting another job.
-“You’re my twin sister. You’re pretty and smart. You’re hot. We’re hot!” That doesn’t solve her problems.
-You’re afraid you won’t find anything half as interesting? You have a kid. You don’t look for interesting jobs. You look for ones that pay. The majority of this country works shitty jobs to support their family. You’re not excluded.
-What kind of a sister recommends her sibling to become a stripper/escort?
-“There’s no way I’m going to become a stripper. I’m a mother. I have a baby.” A lot of strippers are mothers.
-Strippers aren’t secrets in Sin City. They are Sin City!
-A guy on his bike rode by, yelled “Wow”, then crashed. What the fuck?!?
-Why is this man so amazed by two women walking?
-“The humans still haven’t built a justice system that punishes the guilty and protects the innocent.” They have built a dozen Starbucks, though. That has to count for something.
-When people are talking, it’s nice to know what they’re saying.
-One second the guy is holding the gun, the next he isn’t. Talk about terrible editing.
-“Very hot. I’d like to do any of these two guys at the same time.” What a slut!
-That one guy looks like Weird Al Yankovich.
-“Hell yeah! I’ll do her.” The way he said this was hilarious.
-These twins don’t look anything alike. This would be fine if everybody didn’t assume they did.
-He didn’t even shoot the guy in the hand. He shot his gun. Also, if you want her first, you don’t have to shoot the guy. Just punch him.
-She’s now an official escort. All she had to do was go to a back alley and have guys shoot each other for her. Easiest job interview ever.
-Stop showing people talking to each other from afar. Just zoom in on them and let me hear their conversation. An infant could do a better job at editing than Neil Breen.
-Lawyers bribing politicians. Well I’ll be damned!
-“They’re going to have an unfortunate accident.” They’re going to appear in this movie.
-So, the blood from earlier was from a businessman’s murder. Why were we shown it earlier out of context?
-The props they got for severed ears and hands look like they were purchases at a dollar store.
-We get it. He’s dead. Stop lingering on his dead body.
-“I’d like to arrange for a thank you gift to be given to you later today.” He’s getting him a pony, isn’t he?
-He got him hookers. That’s even better than a pony! Wait a minute. I just had a great idea for a show. “My Little Hooker”.
-It’s the twin sisters. The one that got fired is going to find out he’s a greedy politician and bite his dick off, isn’t she?
-He’s going to watch them go swimming? What kind of an escort service is this?
-“Double my pleasure!” How is them swimming pleasurable for you?
-Watching women jump on rafts isn’t exciting.
-He loosened his tie. Is that all he’s going to get to do?
-Now they’re stripping for him. The point of swimming beforehand was…?
-Why are they covering their tits? You’re escorts. You’re supposed to let it show.
-They laughed for a minute, then got back into the pool. This is terrible service!
-Remember that shot I mentioned earlier of women sunbathing in a pool? It was these two. Once again, there was no need to see it earlier out of context.
-Back to them laughing and covering their tits. This is fucking pointless.
-Out comes the champagne. Maybe if the get drunk they’ll do their job.
-Stop lingering on him pouring the champagne and get to the fucking point!
-I think all we’re going to get to see is side boob. What a cop out.
-We interrupt this three way of nothingness to show you a demolished building.
-The homeless man sleeping inside of the demolished building looks like a skinny Wilford Brimley.
-A homeless man in a wheelchair is really depressing.
-Close-up on the leaving Las Vegas sign. Point being…?
-It’s pretty sad when God doesn’t look out of place at a demolished building.
-The homeless man ran over a guy’s foot and he tipped him over. Sounds funny, but is actually kind of sad.
-Here’s God to save the day! About time he did something other than whine.
-He used his powers to make the guy’s eyes bleed. Badass!
-God is freezing more people. It looks as if they’re doing the robot dance.
-“I don’t feel so good.” Neither am I. I think this movie is making me ill.
-The homeless man only has a month to live and wants to see Las Vegas. God better give him the time of his life, equipped with a cheery montage.
-All God did was wheel him over to the sign, then took him back to the building. I don’t think that’s all he wanted to do in his final month.
-More lingering shots on the building. If you took these shots out, the film would probably only be half an hour.
-They’re selling guns behind the demolished building. This may be a good time to step in and do some elimination, God.
-It’s really irritating me that I can see them talking, but not hear what they’re saying. I don’t care if it’s small talk that adds nothing to the film. If you’re going to show it, let me hear it.
-Another returning shot from earlier. The men loading their guns is part of this gun selling scene.
-A fight’s breaking out (for no apparent reason).
-Now the fight is over. That was quick and pointless (just like “The Paul Reiser Show”).
-Weird Al Yankovich is the international importer. He can get you anything. Except a better movie.
-We’re just now seeing the single mother escorting her first client. Why didn’t we see this earlier when it was going down?
-He gets cockblocked. Why we had to wait to see this stunning revelation is beyond me.
-“I can’t do this.” I’ve been telling myself this since I started the movie.
-“Once you’re high, you won’t remember a thing.” I’m against drugs, but the thought of being able to forget this movie is tempting.
-God just sits in his truck all day waiting for something interesting to happen. Is this the long lost second sequel to “Stakeout”?
-The homeless man almost got ran over. He should watch where he’s going.
-Is God the homeless man’s personal bodyguard now? He’s following him everywhere and rescuing him every time he gets into trouble.
-God froze the punks and made their eyes bleed. Double whammy!
-The homeless man wheeling away quickly made me chuckle a bit.
-More shots of solar energy in progress. A.k.a. more padding.
-More solar energy workers getting laid off. This is becoming the poor man’s version of “Up in the Air”.
-We get it. Greed is destroying the country. Stop reiterating it.
-I swear this movie is on repeat now.
-What do you mean the slutty sister lost her job as an environmental activist? Since when was she one?
-You know what you do when you’re unemployed? Look for another job.
-We’re going back in time to when the slutty sister became a hooker. Why exactly? It’s not like I care about her origins.
-She became a hooker and didn’t tell her boyfriend. He became a car thief and didn’t tell her the truth. They’re the perfect couple.
-Stop and stare at God ominously. There’s nothing creepy about that.
-“I think I know him. That face.” I’m telling you. He looks like an Osmond.
-Close-up on the baby doll head from earlier. I have a feeling this won’t serve a purpose (yet).
-God is sleeping in the back of the truck. I guess it’s the seventh day.
-More of that freaky transformation crap from earlier. When will we see him walking around as a depressed ape?
-Slutty sister is laying naked in bed. Of course, we see nothing.
-God slept with the slutty sister. What the fuck?!?
-He’s the creepy ape man now. I didn’t want to see that appear during a sex scene (of sorts).
-That scene from earlier of the man walking away from the naked woman takes place now. The only good thing about this editing job is that I’m curious to see the baby doll head story.
-God seems disgusted with what he just did. As he should be. He’s God. He shouldn’t be paying for sex.
-Now he’s sleeping in his truck again. All that sex must have made him exhausted.
-The homeless man saved the escort mother’s baby toy. Yay.
-The homeless man smiling at her while thinking “This cancer chemo is kicking my ass!” may be one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.
-God healed the homeless man and made him an attractive twenty year old. If he can do that, why doesn’t he just make everybody good?
-God is the best matchmaker ever. Suck it, Match.com!
-Shouldn’t she be concerned that he was an old man a minute ago?
-Is he just going to leave that wheelchair there? Yes, this is my biggest concern right now.
-Never mind. God made it disappear.
-When he said he was becoming a car thief, I thought he meant stealing cars. Not stealing the crap inside of them.
-Where did he put the boxes he stole?
-He should have stole the fuzzy dice.
-If slutty sister’s boyfriend is joining the gang that she “frequents”, shouldn’t they bump into each other?
-“Fuck respect! It’s about business.” Ring of Honor disapproves of this statement.
-“No. It’s family.” What kind of fucked up family is this?
-They slit his throat. At least he won’t have to have that awkward moment where he realizes his girlfriend is a hooker.
-“We eliminated our problem.” No you didn’t. You’re still stuck in this shitty movie.
-Instead of that awkward hooker realization I was talking about, we get the depressing “discovering your boyfriend is dead” scenario.
-I love how she screams, then smiles. Way to show emotion and heartbreak.
-She vomited what looks like cream of broccoli soup.
-“Those who don’t play by our rules lose.” I don’t play by your rules. Did I lose by having to watch this movie?
-God is watching this entire murder go down and is doing nothing about it. Dick move!
-The random close-up of money makes it’s triumphant return.
-It’s meeting time. I hope they brought cupcakes.
-“There’s a rat among us.” One of the guys looks like a rat. Does that count?
-They’re beating the shit out of who they believe to be an undercover cop. The irony is the guy that looks like a rat is beating up the rat.
-“We trusted you like a brother.” Just like Emilio Estevez trusted Charlie Sheen to check into rehab.
-It’s clear they’re not even connecting with their punches.
-The greedy businessmen are now feeling sorrow and remorse. So, you don’t mind endangering the lives of many for a profit. But, one undercover cop being beaten is crossing the line?
-Weird Al Yankovich likes what he sees.
-Stop watching and help the man, God!
-They cut off his finger. Of course, they use the same scream from the earlier murder. At least use the Wilhelm Scream if you’re going to constantly recycle.
-God finally stepped in and froze the thugs and businessmen.
-The one guy is doing jazz hands.
-He cured the undercover cop and set him free. Though admirable, it would have been nicer to prevent the beating in the first place.
-He’s taking the slutty sister away. Is he going to fuck her again?
-All of the thugs and businessmen are hanging on the crosses from earlier. That’s a bit offensive for a religious movie such as this.
-Clip show of Wall Street and corporate America. Wonderful.
-At least he put them all in nice suits.
-“I have eliminated all the corrupt politicians and lawyers.” Took you long enough.
-“I have eliminated those who believe in violence towards mankind.” By violently hanging them from crosses. Kind of hypocritical.
-God is repeating everything he said from the beginning. This movie has a bad tendency to replay events over and over again.
-He set the slutty sister free and told her she has so much to offer. You know, like her body.
-God is sleeping again. This movie is about to put me to sleep.
-Did he just drunkenly jump out of the back of his truck?
-“Respect yourselves.” But, I suck!
-“Have I failed them?” Yes.
-He ditched the civilian clothes, put his back on and unfroze the couple from the beginning of the film. I think this movie is now going in reverse.
-“Make the best of what I’ve created for you.” In other words, don’t make a terrible movie like this.
-He gave them back their truck too. I hope he filled the gas tank.
-The erect rose returns. That sounds like a nickname.
-The doll heads are back. Are we finally going to get an explanation for them?
-Nope. Just more random desert shots. Just end this already.
-He better be getting back into that snow globe and going back to Heaven.
-Somebody is yelling “Wait for me!” It better not be that slutty sister.
-The dolphins are back!
-We already heard this “love the planet” speech. No need to hear it again.
-“They must use their intelligence to further humanity.” What intelligence?
-He’s doing that freaky transformation again. I’d like an explanation of this, as well.
-What’s he reaching for? The sky?
-Damn it! The slutty sister followed him. He set you free. Let him free and me free by ending this movie.
-Is he going to take her to Heaven with him?
-Flashback to them having sex. Stop showing me old footage and end this already!
-What the fuck is the point of those damned doll heads?!? It’s starting to piss me off!
-He’s in full ape form finally.
-She’s touching him and teasing a kiss. Just do it already!
-“The humans’ dreams. They can come true.” My dream is for this movie to end. Can you please make that come true?
-More shots of solar energy. Why won’t this end?
-“I will give them one more chance.” The happy ending would have been him destroying Earth.
-“Man has the responsibility, not the power.” What about women? How could you exclude them? Are you sexist, God?
“I will come back.” You better not!
-“I hope humanity has learned it’s lesson.” That lesson being that Neil Breen shouldn’t be allowed to make movies.
-He busted out the hardware again. That must be how he controls the snow globe.
-He’s finally going back to Heaven. Hooray!
That’s “I Am Here…. Now”. A film where God is portrayed as an android transforming ape who can sometimes be a dick. It has about thirty minutes of story and an hour of needless filler. The acting is terribly hilarious, as is the direction. That alone puts this on par with “The Room”. Just be forewarned. This one is harder to sit through, simply due to the terrible editing and many plot holes.
I’ll see you all next week!