Welcome to a special Holiday edition of Playing With Power. The review article that looks at all things Nintendo Entertainment System.
Remember the Ice Capades? Chances are most of you don’t, but just in case you need reminding, it was a yearly ice skating presentation featuring theatrical performances by Olympic and National figure skaters. The even lasted from 1940 until its eventual demise in 1995 when the popularity of figure skating rapidly declined.
So, why am I talking about this in an NES article? Well, besides just regular skating performances, the Ice Capades were known to do performances based on popular licensed properties like The Flintstones, The Snorks, Barbie, and even the world of the NES. In 1989 featured a performance that I can only really say is one of the strangest things to ever associate itself with the great gray box. So, let’s take a look.
Oh Alyssa Milano. You were the boss of many a horny 80's teenager.
The show was hosted by ABC alums Jason Bateman and Alyssa Milano. Put it back in your pants, a still not legal yet Alyssa Milano.
Is that a Nintendo? OMAGAWDNOWAI!!
The two bicker over something, until they notice a vast sea of Cosby sweaters. A bunch of people are huddled over a television playing Super Mario Bros. This gives Jason a massive joygasm, while Alyssa like a deer in the headlights has no clue what the fuss is about. Jason tells her not to worry, since she is in the presence of the self proclaimed video game prince. He gives her the most basic of Super Mario tutorials, and all seems well, until…
Dammit, somebody didn't blow into the cartridge well enough!
The screen starts to flicker as Jason says that the NES appears to be suffering from a computer virus (Because that can happen on an NES, I guess). Jason fears that this virus will cause all the evil to spread into the real world, while Alyssa just could not give a damn. Before anyone can thing of, oh I don’t know, just turning off the NES, King Koopa appears on the screen
Holy crap, that's Mr. Belvedere!
We then cut to the actual performance, as King Koopadere cuts a rather nonsensical promo about bugs in the ointment, and not really wanting to take over the world, but that he’s doing it for the sheer exquisite pleasure of making trouble. He rallies his minions, koopa troopas, hammer brothers, goombas, and a spiny, and sends them to destroy different computer parts. He sits upon his riding castle (be careful you don’t sit on your testicles there Koopadere), and sings about being evil.
That’s right. Mr. Belvedere, dressed as King Koopa, singing about being evil. If I died tomorrow, at least I know I have seen the greatest thing in mankind’s history.
Now you're playing with child labor.
Princess Toadstool, with a bunch of kids, wonders out loud about what to about the rampaging sitcom star wreaking havoc on her fair mushroom kingdom. She proclaims that this is clearly a job for… plumbers! Because lord knows maybe having a military on hand for situations like this wouldn’t have been a better idea. Eh, I guess she should just count her blessings she wasn’t kidnapped for once.
Mamma Mia!
This of course means it’s a job for the Super Mario Bros, who descend onto the ice like stereotypical Italian angels from Heaven. Princess Toadstool gives our plucky plumbers the heads up about Koopadere’s nefarious hacking acts, and the Marios, and a bunch of kids on riding blocks are on the way. Okay, so since they’re on ice skates, what are they gonna do? Jumping would be kinda tough, so maybe triple salchow them to death, or…
GREAT GANON'S GHOST!!!!
Oh yeah, the Mario’s are packin’ heat! Well, Luigi is at least. Koopadere sends more of his minions to attack, and Luigi blasts each of them with a bazooka blast to the face. After his entire fleet is wiped out, Koopadere drive into battle. But thanks to the children and their magic wrenches (I think), they quickly blow him up as well. The day is saved, and the children are carted around to fun music, as Princess Toadstool presents Mario and Luigi with the purple plungers of bravery. The two bicker as the performance comes to a close. Back in the “real world” Alyssa claims the winner by default, as Jason is absolutely confuzzled about the whole damn situation.
This was cheesy, dumb, and illogical. But by god was it entertaining. It’s one of those things I miss about television these days. That unashamed feeling of just having fun with what you’re making, without worry that it’s perceived as dumb by others. But then again, we just saw an ice performance with Mr. Belvedere as King Koopa, and a bazooka toting Luigi. That’s not dumb, that’s a work of art. And a great example of why I love the era of the NES.