Welcome one and all to part three of Christmas Movienalia 2011. So far, Bill Goldberg was Santa Claus and went on a rampage and Hulk Hogan had amnesia and thought he was Old Saint Nick. This time around, a killer in a Santa suit traumatizes two young boys for life. They do some punishing around the holidays, in a Santa suit, naturally.
Despite being part two, half of this film is clips from the first. The other half barely takes place during Christmas (though garbage day makes up for that). It’s as if they were screwing with the audience that stuck through the controversial whirlwind the first one created. That or they were just lazy. Most likely the latter.
So kick back, relax, put on your santa suit and revel in my torture of “Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2”!
-The name of the production company is “Silent Night Releasing Corporation”. How fitting.
-Nothing says scary like a close-up of toe tapping.
-Who wears socks with slippers?
-Cigarettes will get you on Santa’s naughty list.
-I’d be depressed too if I were in this movie.
-He’s staring into my soul.
-Never before has plugging in a tape recorder been so intense.
-It took four people to write this. That means it took four people to write, “He plugs in the tape recorder, then walks away.”
-I swear he’s about to make out with the camera.
-What is this film’s obsession with close-ups of feet?
-He’s going to make him listen to “Alvin and the Chipmunks” albums as punishment, isn’t he?
-“You can leave now.” Sweet! I’m out of here. What do you mean he was talking to the security guard?
-“Fuck off, doc!” He’s like a more vulgar Bugs Bunny.
-Trash talking a serial killer. Not a good idea.
-“Your time is running out.” Your time is up, my time is now. You can’t see me! My time is now!
-“Pencil neck piece of shit!” Now he’s channeling “Classy” Freddie Blassie.
-Can the security guard talk or has he perfected the art of the Sin Cara finger pointing?
-It being Christmas Eve won’t be the only connection this film has to the holiday, will it?
-“Who killed your parents?” Joe Chill.
-I saw Mommy getting killed by Santa Claus…
-Flashback to the first movie. Wonderful.
-“I don’t know what made them stop. Actually, I do know what made them stop.” It took four people to write that line. Four!
-Santa’s packing heat.
-Smart idea, kid. Hide where the killer can clearly see you.
-Is Santa Claus going to have to choke a bitch?
-Your parents being killed by Santa Claus will scar you for life, Doc.
-Ricky is about as menacing as a Muppet.
-“Am I wasting your valuable time?” Yes.
-More clips from the first film. Really?!?
-Why did he draw a picture of Santa being stabbed? Shouldn’t Santa be the one doing the stabbing?
-Don’t let him build a snowman. He’ll probably stab it.
-Billy’s a peeping tom. That and I believe he just hit puberty.
-You know, whipping them with a belt might not be punishment for having sex. They may get off on it.
-“Punishment is good.” Once again, they may get off on that.
-Back to the interview. This better not be the only new footage.
-“You’re shrink number 13.” Damn! If he were number 12, they could have done a 12 Shrinks of Christmas song.
-Ricky sounded like a robot there.
-Back to clips from the first film. Why the hell didn’t I just pop that in instead?
-Who the hell ties a child to a bed?!? What is this, Penn State?
-Billy punching Santa Claus is one of the best moments in film history.
-Back to the interview. I give them three minutes until we’re back to old footage again.
-“Let’s jump ahead.” To new footage, I hope.
-Nope! More footage we’ve already seen.
-Billy is Santa Claus now. Will he punch himself?
-Telling children you’ll severely punish them is very creepy.
-18 year-old Billy slightly resembles Channing Tatum.
-“You remember what Santa Claus does on Christmas Eve, don’t you?” Make out with my mother?
-Santa sees you when you’re raping.
-Choking someone out with Christmas lights. Billy’s an improvement over his parents’ killer.
-What did Billy stab her with?
-At least Billy will give you a train show before you die. How courteous!
-Were those Halloween masks hanging on the wall?
-Stabbing someone with a hammer. Thor, eat your heart out!
-You’re supposed to stab her with the axe, not the table.
-How did those empty boxes hurt him?
-Holy shit! A crossbow. Billy’s not fucking around.
-That nutcracker can’t believe it.
-Back to the interview.
-Back to old footage. The new footage lasted about 15 seconds. What was the point?
-Poor guy. His pussy is leaving to retrieve her pet pussy.
-That tiger painting in the back screams douche bag.
-They missed a golden opportunity for Billy to say, “It’s Santa!” after chopping down the door.
-Impaling her on antlers. Billy is vicious!
-Stab Billy with the poker, moron!
-Santa just got kicked in the chestnuts.
-Karate Kid reject got chucked out the window. Meh.
-Back to new footage. Let’s see how long this lasts.
-Back to old footage. The only new footage we got was a close-up of the tape recorder and Ricky’s eyes. Very pointless.
-Way to almost shoot an innocent man, cops. This isn’t New York. That won’t fly here.
-How did they not see Billy? He was in plain view.
-“I feel like somebody’s watching me.” Private eyes! They’re watching you. They see your every move.
-Battle of the douche bags!
-“What if I hit a tree?” All three of your remaining brain cells will be killed.
-Beheaded while sledding. What a way to go.
-Back to new footage. This better not just be close-ups.
-“Maybe you weren’t just jerking off here.” I was. Don’t judge me.
-Back to old footage. How exactly is this a sequel?
-Nice of them to randomly throw in footage of Ricky saying “Billy?” Really gives you a bang for your buck.
-Ricky sees Santa get shot. What a Christmas story!
-Back to new footage. I think I just seen Ricky’s “O” face.
-Back to old footage again. That was quick and pointless (just like Pauly Shore’s career).
-First, you almost kill an innocent father. Now, you killed an innocent janitor. This police force sucks!
-You guess the cop feels bad about accidentally shooting the janitor? Of course he felt bad!
-Mother Superior, you’re not above the law. Get over yourself.
-“Punish!” You know, that’s a pretty mediocre catchphrase.
-The cop got axed. I’m not referring to the body spray.
-Why did you chop off the snowman’s head, Billy? He wasn’t naughty. You’re a dick!
-If these kids seen Santa get shot earlier, shouldn’t they think this Santa is a hoax or a zombie?
-Pretty convenient for that cop to be there just in time to kill Billy and save the day.
-“You’re safe now. Santa Claus is gone.” Replacing him will be Charlie the Christmas Cat.
-Back to new footage. We should be done with old footage now, since the original’s ending just aired.
-More flashbacks. At least this is new footage.
-“I was finally able to act like a kid.” I was jumping off of roofs in no time.
-Ah, nuns! Run!
-The color red gives Ricky Christmas flashbacks. I hope he never becomes a rodeo clown.
-“The whole thing was forgotten.” Just like this sequel.
-Jumping ahead five years. About time this film picked up the pace.
-You never told anyone you used to go on long walks? Ooh, what a secret.
-“You get paranoid when everyone around you gets dead.” Here’s a homework assignment for you. Figure out what’s wrong with that sentence. First one to answer correctly wins absolutely nothing.
-Why do so many people secretly spy on others in this film?
-You’re out in broad daylight. Now’s not a good time to have sex.
-“If you don’t say I want it, you can’t have it.” I don’t want it!
-How is Ricky having flashbacks to his mother being killed? He was an infant and locked in the car. Not only didn’t he see anything, he couldn’t possibly remember it either.
-Ricky is running the drunk guy over with his car. Reverse drunk driving?
-Ricky was just thanked for murdering someone. I didn’t see that coming.
-Does red car need to be in big, bold letters, Doc? It’s not that important.
-“We were never blessed with children.” The little swimmers weren’t reaching the finish line, huh?
-Ricky, those who go to college also have jobs. You weren’t the only one to have one. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
-“I think you’ll enjoy this.” I think not.
-“Sounded like some squirrel getting his nuts squeezed.” When the hell did you hear that?
-I haven’t seen a beating this bad since Tonya Harding clubbed Nancy Kerrigan.
-Empty boxes aren’t painful!
-Stabbing someone with an umbrella, then opening it in their guts. Priceless!
-A “B” on a towel is frightening, apparently.
-“I’m finished talking, Henry!” Thank God!
-Ricky used to dress like a greaser. Go greased lightning!
-I wouldn’t consider nearly running someone over with your car “bumping into each other”.
-Ricky delivers his lines like a broken Furby doll.
-This movie has drifted away from being a Christmas film.
-This movie also doubles as bad softcore porn.
-“The motion picture you’ve been waiting for.” That’s certainly not this film.
-This guy’s going to talk during the movie? Who does that? ;)
-They’re watching a movie about a killer Santa Claus. Really?!?
-Chip looks like Ric Flair if he were a frat boy.
-“You stood me up. You cheated on me. You ruined my best sweater.” The standing up and cheating I can tolerate. Ruining sweaters is where I draw the line.
-Take a page out of Ricky’s book and simply clobber the speaker in the theater.
-This film is now taking place in summer. Christmas in July?
-I’ve seen better acting in an after school special.
-Applying jumper cables to Chip’s tongue and electrocuting him. Ricky is beginning to eclipse his brother.
-Chip’s eyes exploded. Some would wish the same happened to them during this movie.
-Jennifer being killed is the first time I felt for one of the characters. Maybe if this film invested more time into it’s characters instead of replaying clips from the first film, I’d feel this way more often.
-That cop looks like Ron Howard.
-Ricky made the cop shoot himself. It’s official; he’s usurped his brother.
-“Garbage day!” There needs to be a movie about a killer garbage man.
-At least he spared the little girl.
-“Bingo!” Punish is sounding a bit better now.
-Why did that car explode?
-Maniacal laugh!
-Why is the movie teasing us with Ricky shooting himself? We know he doesn’t do it. He’s alive and telling the story, for crying out loud!
-“Young and stupid.” An alternate title for “Teen Mom”.
-When did he kill the Doc? Please tell me he at least indulged him in garbage day. Let him go out on a high note.
-Why did they make it that easy for Ricky to escape? Simply lock the door.
-We’re finally getting back into the Christmas spirit.
-He’s going after Mother Superior. I’m surprised she’s still alive.
-It was inevitable that Ricky would wind up in a Santa suit.
-It looks like Mother Superior’s face is melting.
-A Christmas parade is sacrilegious? Really?!?
-That little Santa toy looked like it was masturbating.
-Isn’t drinking wine a sin?
-Her house number is 666? Really?!?
-She’s an old woman in a wheelchair. Why are you having trouble overpowering her?
-Ricky hates television, apparently.
-Mother Superior falling down the stairs made me laugh. I know I’m going to Hell.
-When two people try to murder you, you may want to readjust your attitude. Just saying.
-I really don’t think he cares that he’s being naughty.
-Way to arrive a few minutes late, cops. You had a headstart, too. You knew where Mother Superior lived before Ricky did.
-There goes Mother Superior’s head. Rule of thumb: You rarely survive two horror movies in a row.
-I’ve seen more Santas get shot in this film than in Detroit.
That’s “Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2”. More like Part 1.5, since half of the film is clips from the first one. The new footage is decent, but not worth waiting for (sans garbage day). Eric Freeman churns out a terrible performance, though it’s good for a few laughs. If you must see this film, skip the first half (unless you haven’t seen the first one).
I’ll see you next week for the finale of Christmas Movienalia 2011.