Welcome to part two of Christmas Movienalia 2011! Last week, Bill Goldberg portrayed Santa Claus. This week, it’s Hulk Hogan’s turn. Only this time, he’s an evil billionaire suffering from amnesia who happens to think he’s Santa Claus. Yeah, somebody thought this was a good idea. I sure as hell don’t!
Kick back, relax, turn down the Christmas lights and enjoy my torture of “Santa with Muscles”!
-Cabin Fever Entertainment? Will there be pancakes?
-“I think they’re going to do something bad this Christmas.” The title card immediately followed this line. Is that an omen?
-Did we really have to name a character Mr. Frost?
-If the orphanage is shut down, wouldn’t the little girl be transferred to a better town? If so, let Mr. Frost abolish it. This town sounds terrible!
-How did he steal their Christmas tree? Was it outside or did he drive the truck into the house?
-“This may be the last Christmas I spend with my friends.” It’s Christmas 2012?
-The little girl’s initials are EWW. I don’t know why, but I find this funny.
-Is Hogan spying on children? Quick, get Chris Hansen!
-Hogan is fighting a gardener. This must be how he fires people.
-“Never stop to smell the roses.” That’s your badass one-liner? Really?!?
-You can’t sneak up on someone by screaming first, moron!
-Is there a reason Hogan is beating the hell out of these men?
-Why is Hogan wearing desert camouflage? You’re in California. They won’t do you very good.
-Using a weed whacker on Hogan. Pretty violent for a PG family film.
-Who combats a weed whacker with a silver platter?
-Silver platters are more powerful than weed whackers, apparently.
-That was a training session. For what, intruders with a gardening fetish?
-“If you guys are looking for a Christmas bonus, forget it.” The only thing you’re getting is unsold copies of “Thunder in Paradise”.
-“My picture on the can isn’t big enough.” Neither are you without the juice.
-“Business always calls when you’re having fun.” Oh, so that’s why it’s not calling me right now.
-Hogan has 386 rules. Half of them must be *insert wrestler here* can’t beat me.
-“Never give an inch, especially when you can take one.” That’s what she said!
-“Haven’t you learned anything?” I’d ask you the same thing about choosing roles, Hulk.
-Paintball is business? No wonder Enron went under.
-Hogan shot the guy immediately after explaining the rules. Dick move, Hulk!
-Clint Howard is the sheriff? How bad is this town’s police department?
-How do you mistake paintballers for terrorists?
-A game of paintball isn’t important enough to get arrested over.
-Why would you be stupid enough to shoot at the cops? What are you going to gain from this?
-Oh no! They’re heading for the North Pole. Whatcha gonna do Santa, when Hulkamania runs wild on you?!?
-How bad is your aim that you miss your target and shoot the sign that is quite a few feet away?
-The last time Santa went missing, Tim Allen killed him.
-“When in doubt, get out.” World’s worst parental advice.
-How was that jeep still driving if Hogan ditched it?
-Santa better come out soon. These kids are about to form a lynch mob.
-Why is that work area decorated so much to look like Santa’s house? No kid is going back there.
-Mr. Frost gives people hemorrhages and hangs them upside down. Weird tactics.
-There is saran wrap on the lawn statues. Doesn’t that render them useless?
-Where is that TV plugged into?
-Our villain is Ed Begley, Jr. I don’t think he’s going to put up much of a fight against Hogan.
-Smoke screen at the entrance. Does Frost make a grand entrance every time he leaves the house?
-Where did Frost get his henchman, the welfare office?
-The Canadian Chemist sounds like a bad wrestler gimmick.
-Is the Canadian Chemist being buck-toothed supposed to be a stereotype of Canadians?
-Electrical gloves. At least she has something useful. All the scientist has is a safari hat.
-That Santa suit is clearly too small for Hogan.
-If only Hulk would have been Xanta Claus.
-At least now I know what Hulk would look like with a beer belly.
-A store Santa being an asshole isn’t weird. It’s normal.
-Why wouldn’t you hide the camouflage? Hanging it on your pants is a dead giveaway.
-Hogan has the power of invisibility!
-There’s a trash duct right next to you. Why not check for Hogan there? Beavis & Butt-head are smarter than these cops.
-“I’m not going to let this guy get away with Santa fraud.” Every single parent gets away with this.
-Hitting Hulk with a Santa decoration. Why didn’t Roddy Piper think of doing this?
-$300 doesn’t make you rich.
-Stealing from Hogan is not a good idea. Unless your name is Linda.
-Hogan’s driver’s license photo is hysterical.
-I wonder if anybody suffered amnesia and thought they were the Easter Bunny.
-Amnesia doesn’t cause you to walk into walls.
-Don Stark hoisted Hogan on his shoulder. He’s stronger than I thought.
-“Say ho, ho, ho a lot.” He’s Santa, not a pimp.
-I understand children cheering for Santa, but grown men? That’s ridiculous!
-Those punks may be stealing money, but at least they’re against drugs (according to their shirts).
-I wonder if Hogan autograph sessions require you to sit on his lap.
-Why would a little girl want an electric razor?
-Of course you can’t simply use an ATM to steal Hulk’s money. What bank allows that easy of access to someone’s account?
-Why not just take the money out of the bowl? Hiding it underneath your shirt makes it clear you’re stealing it.
-Santa delivers presents and ass kickings.
-I never expected to see a fight scene set to Christmas music.
-Since when do elves carry hedge clippers?
-“Watch out! He’s got a candy cane.” Never thought I’d hear that in my life.
-According to this movie, you get an ass kicking if you’re naughty.
-A scooter is not better than a sleigh.
-Old women love Hulk Hogan!
-Mr. Frost is suffers from misophobia. Why not just cast Howie Mandel?
-Mr. Frost’s henchmen are playing grab-ass with his captive.
-Don Stark and Hulk Hogan riding a scooter is a funny image.
-Why do bad guys always seem to drive ice cream trucks?
-A young Mila Kunis. Ironic that she’s starring in a film with Don Stark.
-I wouldn’t consider laughing like a hyena a maniacal laugh.
-Oh no! They’re stealing the statue. That won’t affect the orphanage in any way whatsoever.
-Hogan is playing tug of war with an ice cream truck. This must be his pre-match ritual.
-“They can’t start Christmas without me.” Sure they can! They have a backup. He’s called Billy the Christmas Cowboy.
-Nobody likes you, Lenny!
-“That was a very stupid thing you did out there.” Not as stupid as accepting this role.
-The sign said “Save the Children Mission”. That’s a good indicator that they need help.
-If he has amnesia, why would he remember he only eats healthy?
-Why are they laughing? He hasn’t finished the story yet.
-Why do they expect these two don’t have a place to stay?
-“Santa’s not a dog.” He’s not? Son of a bitch! I’ve been lied to all these years.
-“We’re the leftovers.” That’s also code for sloppy seconds.
-Hogan just had the weirdest reaction to being kissed. You would have thought he was kicked in the nuts.
-Don Stark is dressed as a bunny. Looks like my question from earlier has been answered.
-How are Hulk’s pajamas laughable? It’s just a robe.
-Does Hogan have a crush on a little girl?
-If this man is a billionaire, why does nobody recognize him without the suit on?
-You don’t recycle cereal boxes.
-I just seen Hulk Hogan drink milk in slow motion. My life is complete.
-There are Santa rules? One of them must be that breaking and entering is okay if you leave behind presents.
-“There are things you always do and things you never do.” One of the things you never do is a cheap hooker.
-Super Santa would have been a better title.
-Mega Man comics teach kids how to make clothes? What?!?
-“Santa isn’t coming.” Not without Viagra.
-“How did you get here?” When a man and a woman love each other…
-A Christmas rooster would be awesome!
-“I love to eat a lot of reindeer meat.” Would Rudolph be classified as a bloody steak?
-Laughing keeps you in shape, apparently.
-Even the television is saran wrapped. Mr. Frost is taking his misophobia too far.
-Don Stark is going to snap.
-Did they just take Stark hostage with a sock?
-Is that the same ice cream truck Clint Howard drives in “Ice Cream Man”?
-How is that TV working? Not only that, but how is it making video conference calls?
-“I want that Santa with muscles.” Why did that sound sexual?
-You have amnesia, yet remember a song called “Angel Baby”? I’m not suffering from amnesia and even I don’t remember that!
-Those aren’t fairies in the windows. Those are pedophiles.
-“Even if you don’t have a beard, you’d still be Santa. Right?” Wrong! Now he’s Clark Kent.
-Hulk Hogan Karaoke; coming soon to toy stores everywhere.
-Why did the room just turn purple?
-At least they returned the statue head. Sure, they threw it through the window. But, it’s the thought that counts.
-“I thought it was Christmas, not Halloween.” Really?!?
-Hogan vs. Skinny Henchman. I haven’t seen a more one-sided battle since Ric Flair took on retirement.
-Yay violence! What a good message.
-Stop being depressed, Taylor. You just seen Santa kick some ass.
-Did Mr. Frost leave his address on the statue head?
-There is such a thing as climbing a fence. You don’t have to chuck Don Stark over it, then leap over it yourself.
-“What are you trying to do, smother me?” If it will shut you up.
-Let me get this straight. It’s okay for Hogan to kick ass, but naughty for everybody else to do so? Talk about double standards.
-Self defense, my ass! You hunted the henchman down.
-“Something’s going on.” They’re walking. How is that suspicious?
-What exactly is Mr. Frost’s plan after owning the entire town? A gigantic frat party?
-“What’s under the orphanage?” Ground.
-How do the kids know the combination to the vault, but not the adults?
-You let the kids hang out in these catacombs? They could get lost, or worse, die from sarin gas.
-How did they figure out that those numbers worked?
-Did they just find the lost city of Atlantis?
-I think I just seen a dark crystal.
-“You don’t know where that’s been.” Yes he does. It’s been in the vault.
-Is Mila Kunis going to have all of the answers?
-The crystal just blew up. I have a feeling they’ll be used as bombs later on.
-“I want to know how I opened the vault.” You put in the combination and it opened. It’s not rocket science.
-“I don’t have all the answers.” The writers don’t have a clue.
-“If I want your opinion, I’ll have it surgically removed.” That doesn’t make sense.
-This guy isn’t intimidating! Stop treating him like he is.
-“What are you looking at?” A terrible movie.
-“I have a Christmas wish, Santa. Get out of my life!” My Christmas wish is that this movie ends.
-You’re on the roof. There’s no way down (outside of jumping). You don’t need to be a genius to figure this out.
-“Afraid of heights, Santa?” That would suck, considering he flies in the sky via reindeer.
-Is this scene trying to be reminiscent of the fight between Batman and The Joker in Tim Burton’s “Batman”?
-A Christmas ornament just pushed Hogan off of the roof. What the fuck?!?
-Thank you for saving Hulk, conveniently placed garbage truck!
-Hogan being taken to the garbage dump is a fantasy for many angry wrestling fans.
-How did Hogan get home?
-Who the hell says “Happy Christmas”?
-Did nobody notice Hogan was missing for the last few days?
-When did they get Leslie’s voice recorded? Also, how did they know Hulk was going to call?
-“There’s no such thing as Santa.” First you tell me he’s not a dog. Now, you’re telling me he’s not real. Stop breaking my heart!
-Door explosion!
-What is he spraying, bug spray?
-“He’ll kick your butt to New Year’s”. I know you’re just a kid, but I’m not letting it slide. That was terrible!
-A villain isn’t threatening if simply touching him defeats him.
-“Who’s going to do my mining?” Your henchman. That’s why you hired them.
-“We don’t know anything. We’re just kids.” About time you figured out your place.
-Can we please avoid the misunderstanding? It’s so annoying!
-Is Hogan eating gruel?
-Whenever I want to cheer up a friend, I too attack him with a spatula.
-“I don’t know what’s wrong with the boss. He loves to hit me!” That right there might be the problem.
-Instead of calling Hogan, why didn’t you call the cops?
-I know I’ve already said it, but I can’t stress this enough; these bad guys aren’t intimidating! No wonder Clint is the sheriff. If this is the worst he gets, he can handle any criminal.
-I understand you’re angry, but breaking the phone was asinine.
-When did that guy grow a Fu Manchu?
-Is the chef really bring a cooking utensil to a fight?
-Hey guys! Remember Clint Howard? He’s back!
-Does Clint spend his days acting out cop scenarios?
-Speeding doesn’t make someone a terrorist.
-Where did those other cop cars come from? Were they just sitting around, waiting for Hogan?
-Stop fucking with the cops! That will only get you in trouble.
-Clint Howard was in Desert Storm? Now there’s a movie!
-Is everybody in this town as threatening as a Care Bear?
-Why does that cop have a bazooka?
-I never expected to see a bazooka blow up a car in a movie called “Santa with Muscles”.
-“Which one of you turkeys is responsible for this?” The one holding the bazooka. How hard is that to figure out?
-Where did that henchman come from? I don’t remember seeing him earlier.
-Way to blow your cover, Hulk.
-“You’re not Santa. You’re better!” Hulk Hogan is better than Santa Claus. Talk about an ego stroke.
-Engulfing the henchman with a fire extinguisher was pointless. He’s wearing a gas mask. It shouldn’t affect him.
-You inflated his suit? Really?!? Why not just kick his ass like everybody else?
-These henchman are easier to defeat than jobbers.
Did they just kill her via electrocution?
-Hogan doesn’t open doors. He kicks them open.
-Hogan and Mr. Frost grew up together in the orphanage. What a stupid twist!
-Don’t take your anger out on the Pringles cans. They didn’t do anything to deserve that.
-“That’s not funny!” I’ve been saying this since the beginning.
-Did Don Stark just yell “Yee Haw!”
-“Will you shut up already?” I wish he would.
-“This is about money. Lots of money.” Lots of money down the drain.
-“I had to cheat and steal to claw my way out of here.” You’re a Guerrero?
-“Being Santa opened my eyes. I didn’t like what I saw.” Two things. 1) You had to be Santa to see this was a terrible career move? 2) It’s seen, not saw.
-They’re fighting with the crystals. Called it!
-I don’t think a head butt from Ed Begley, Jr. would do much damage to Hogan.
-Oh no! Hogan lost his crystal. He’s doomed! Oh wait, he’s surrounded by them. Just grab another one, you idiot!
-The crystals are just now creating an energy buildup? Of course! We need it to blow up now.
-Why are you saving Mr. Frost? He’s the bad guy!
-Why is the building being electrocuted?
-I’d rather the building explode instead of simply crumbling.
-Why is Clint driving the destroyed car? Why not just drive a different one or hitch a ride with a fellow cop? Also, why are the windshield wipers on?
-“I guess he’ll have a chance to defrost himself.” Hulk, never make puns.
-“It stinks in here.” That’s the stench of this movie you’re smelling.
-Hogan owning an orphanage would make for a good reality show.
Thus concludes “Santa with Muscles”. Out of Hogan’s flexography (which includes “Mr. Nanny” and “Secret Agent Club”), this one ranks pretty low. It’s not that it’s amazingly dumb (though it has it’s moments). It’s simply boring. The film moves at a snail’s pace and the laughs never come. It felt thrown together at the last second, just to get a Hulk Hogan Christmas movie out in time. Who knows, maybe if they put more effort into it, it would have been better. Probably not.
Join me next week as Christmas Movienalia 2011 continues.