That’s right boys and girls, you are tuned into MJZZ and you’re listening to Nocturnal Ned here with all the smooth blast from the past Nicktoons you can handle. Okay, I’m not Ned, and you can read this at any time, so nocturnal may not be the best descriptive word, but nonetheless it’s time to talk about Hey Arnold!
As far as Nickelodeon shows go, a lot of people and I would consider young Arnold and his friends characters in the best they’ve ever come up with. It had a lot of qualities a certain sponge has, but with better writing and less absurdity. First of all, it was funny. That should be the number one goal for a kids cartoon. It did so without all the randomness and colors to keep attention. It was about a smart, thoughtful kid growing up in an urban environment. It was just plain funny. (Grandma was a little random, but I’d say her attribution is less than 5% of the show).
Along with the funny came just plain weird.
Second and third qualities; it was smart and daring. I don’t watch a ton of little kid’s shows these days, but I’d venture to say none of them are as well written and as thought provoking as this show. I re-watched the whole series this year, and it was just as good as I remember. I tried that with Doug, despite a reaffirmation of Patti’s lesbianism, I got nothing out of that. There are myriad examples of my point, I can name a few. The references in character names may not be considered smart, but the butcher is named after the 1955 movie Marty, Oskar Kokoschka is the name of a 20th century Viennese painter, and Eugene is named after Michael Landon. Come on, you need more proof of their cunning?
If you do, Arnold will put a smile on your face one way or the other.
Probably as well as this.
The Christmas episode was centered on a child being rescued in the middle of the Vietnam War for god sake. You need more, an episode about coping with death in the form of a pet fish, ransom money and kidnapping with Gerald’s (Arnold’s best friend) sister…and her stuffed toy, stealing poetry and demonic statues when classmate Phoebe steals work, and lest we forget the cut throat world of Chinese checkers and the underbelly dealings of one Steely Phil.
Quit calling me Phil!
I mentioned some names back there that may not be familiar to you, let’s say your forgot them or you have no idea what show I’m talking about. I talked about Arnold before, so I’ll skip him. Granted he’s the main man of the show, but he’s a little milquetoast kid that always does the right thing, BORING. Let’s get to where the action, and by action I mean flawed and scarring personality traits, is. There is Arnold’s best friend Gerald. He’s a hip kid, and has a few issues, but his biggest flaw is he’s a big whiner and thinks his family life sucks. Boring again.
The real meat comes from Helga Pataki…
Meat? You calling me fat? I'll introduce you to old Betsy!
No, but once episodes were centered around you the show went downhill quicker than Big Patti in a wheel barrow….
Am I gonna have to sock you?
NO! Sorry, no one beat me up. God there were a lot of bullies in this show. Anyways, back to Helga. She is extremely emotional while being a tomboy. She’s very smart, but it tortures her more than helps. She treats people she cares about with hate because she has never been shown love. She punches a boy who likes her all the time, bullies a boy she loves (Arnold) and treats her best friend like crap. Her family is the reason people blame everything on kid’s parents and not the kid. She was screwed from the word “go.” The least of the offenders is her sister Olga, who is so perfect and nice Helga can’t live up to her. It’s not her fault, but she’s the reason for Helga’s main problems, her parents Bob and Miriam. Bob is the beeper king (oh what the world was over a decade ago) and he doesn’t care about Helga. He forgets her name and ignores her because she’s not perfect. Her mother exhibits the same detest for her seconds daughter, but mainly because she’s an alcoholic. That’s only implied, but it’s super obvious. Almost as obvious as the homosexual school teacher.
That math quiz sure looks hot right?
Helga may be the most sympathetic antagonist of all time. The mental illness runs deep in this one city. I could write about 100 words on each of these people, but I’ll keep it short for you. I’ll break it up into kids and adults.
Adults:
Grandma and Grandpa: Arnold’s crazy grandparents. They’re awesome, but just insane. Grandpa gives horrible advice, except when about raspberries and grandma, well, she is not aware of what day it is.
Oskar and Suzie Kokoschka: He can’t read, never works and cons everyone into doing everything for him, like his wife who works and slaves for him.
Ernie Potts: A midget construction worker with a bad temper.
Mr. Huynh: A Vietnamese man that also has outbursts of rage and sings like Randy Travis.
Crazy
The Jolly Olly Man: An evil ice cream truck driver that hates kids. He is maniacal and laughs manically when he ruins the children’s day. He rips off the kids and stole Grandpa’s car once.
Martin Johansen: A veteran of the Vietnam War, he is obsessed with saving money to the point of forcing his 8 year old son Gerald to move out.
Marilyn and Harold Berman: There son is Herald, and he’s fat and dumb. He seems to be both because his parents tend to argue and make him very unsure of himself.
Brooke and Buckley Lloyd: Their daughter Rhonda is a snob and treats everyone like dirt thanks to her rich parents.
Lila’s Father: A Model of the Economic Recession; Facebook group here: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/group.php?gid=62951652936
Stinky Peterson Sr.: A hillbilly that squashes his son’s dreams and steals his cheese sandwiches.
Sheena’s Uncle Earl: A crazy guy that takes the children to an abandoned island and leaves them to be attacked by criminals while he spends counterfeit money.
What a shady guy. He doesn't even have pants!
Miss Slovak-: Arnold’s first teacher in 4th grade, she left to be a golfer. She didn’t like the kids and ran out of the room at the bell.
Principal Wartz: A strict, idiotic man that is not fit to help kids. He likes to lounge sing and garden.
Monkey Man:
Need I say more?
Dino Spumoni: “I always hated him. He’s a selfish, low-life ingrate. I hope he’s dead” – Don Reynolds
Now, the kids; this is where the insanity really steps up:
Harold Berman: Is very insecure about how dumb and fat he is. He beats up kids to make up for it. He is infantile and has obsessive behavior.
Straight up crazy.
Phoebe Heyerdahl: Her parents seem normal enough, but she allows Helga to order her around and is a real submissive. Despite this, she has cultivated a need to be the best at everything, and will steal to accomplish that.
Rhonda Wellington Lloyd: Obsessed with material things and is dependent on having money. She often teases the dorks or poor kids and is mean to the kid that’s in love with her.
Thaddeus “Curly” Gammelthorpe: I really don’t blame Rhonda for not liking he admirer, because it’s Curly, and he’s $@$%# crazy. He locks himself in a room and throws playground balls, he framed a kid who stole his pencil for pulling a fire alarm, he let all the animals out of the zoo, and stalks old Rhonda endlessly taking her hair and kissing her against her will. I’ll just leave this here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YM4UZsqc3oM
Brainy: Barely talks, he’s also a masochist
Or a lover?
The Camp Fire Lass: Sells chocolate turtles and beats the crap out of people.
Sid: Is superstitious, paranoid and evil little boy. He practices voodoo and will sell out whomever it takes to make it to the hire rung of life. Makes sense living in a cut throad place.
Sid got mugged too. This show was brutal on a kid. Taught me more than most teachers.
Eugene Horowitz: A happy little boy who does not understand the reality of life. Is bounds to die by the time he’s 18.
Chocolate Boy: He’s obsessed with chocolate and will dig and garbage and dance for it. He’s sure fired to be a crack addict.
And finally, Stink Peterson: A poor country bumpkin living in the city. He has horribly low self-esteem and is very gullible. He also shared his name with characters from Doug and Recess.
Look at how sad he is.
To finally summarize these unfortunate souls, they are all crazy and stupid and need Arnold to help them. He is important in keeping these people alive, so he should be commended. Even though the show took a dip in quality at the end of its run and made a pretty bad movie, it is still an amazing series. They should replay it today as I would hope kids would like a smart show. It’s a little dated, but I think it could work. It gets a little annoying re-watching the series with all the different voice actors. Arnold alone is voiced by 5 different kids, which can be distracting, but not a big deal. Them’s the breaks when kids do the acting. Overall, this show should live on for a long time. They way its channel tends to do business it probably won’t, but my article will, so take that.
Hey Arnold! is truley one of a kind. I can’t sing praise loud enough for it. I will say, it has spawned some of the
Wait, I forgot Abner, Arnold’s pet pig. I think he’s around here somewhere. ABNER!
ABNER!
ABNER!
COME HERE ABNER!
ABNER!
Oh leave me alone!
Photos courtesy of Nick.com, Livejournal.com, sidereel.com, the90sareallthat.net, tumblr.com, hey-arnold.com, and my good pals Eric and Craig “Yo, Dino, Stylin” Schonberger.