For those of you who followed my writing last year (all five of you), you’ll remember my short lived series, Movienalia. A take off on the word marginalia (notes written in a margin), it was a collection of my thoughts during a bad movie. The only six movies to be featured were “Star Crystal”, “A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge”, “Jaws: The Revenge”, “Halloween III: Season of the Witch” “Super Mario Bros.” and “Batman & Robin”. I halted production of the series due to time constraints and it hasn’t seen the light of day since.
Until now! I’ve decided to resurrect Movienalia from the dead and bring it to it’s new home, the Freakin’ Awesome Network. What better way to restart than with another constantly resurrected character, Jason Voorhees, and his trip to Hell. This was supposed to be the final “Friday the 13th” film, but we all know how that went.
So sit back, make some popcorn and enjoy my torture and snippy remarks on “Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday”.
-It’s weird seeing the New Line Cinema logo before a “Friday the 13th” movie.
-Farfield and Westport are much scarier than Crystal Lake.
-Hasn’t that cabin been destroyed by now? Is Jason personally repairing it?
-Since when does slamming a door blow out a light bulb?
-How many Jason victims does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-Didn’t take long for there to be nudity.
-Did Jason just mumble something to her?
-Why the hell would you stop running?!?
-Jason, you’re on Candid Camera!
-Nine movies in and the cops finally decided to show up and do something.
-Why did nobody think to blow Jason up before?
-Is that Billy Dee Williams hiding in the bushes?
-Remember the last time the word ‘Final’ was in a “Friday the 13th” title?
-That cop looks like Elvis Presley.
-Aw, I was hoping this was for “Noses Only”.
-Are they trying to market a “Friday the 13th” Operation game?
-I don’t think you need a doctor’s professional opinion to know a person without a head is dead.
-If Jason’s heart is twice the size of a normal one, wouldn’t that make him a sickeningly sweet person? If “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” has taught me anything…
-I never thought I would say this, but a “Friday the 13th” film made me think of an Edgar Allen Poe story (“The Tell-Tale Heart” due to Jason’s heart beating).
-WHAT THE HELL POSSESSED THE DOCTOR TO EAT JASON’S HEART?!?
-Just what I want from a “Friday the 13th” movie; Jason in someone else’s body.
-If Jason is going to shape shift, then he should do it with Freddy Krueger. Make it a body swap comedy and watch the grosses soar.
-Who doesn’t want to take a crap on Jason’s mask?
-At least we get to see Jason Voorhees’ actual form in mirror reflections. OH JOY!
-I love the fact that Jason was fine with the cops living until they called him a pussy. Also, nice touch having Kane Hodder play one of them.
-Is a coroner being dead considered ironic?
-I know it’s Jason Voorhees, but being disappointed that an 11-year old didn’t die is cruel.
-I hope they actually aired this mock news story on TV to promote this movie.
-The first thing that comes to my mind when I hear “Jason Voorhees” is bikinis. Is that weird?
-Since when has Jason ever lived inside someone else’s body, Duke?
-The true Jason Voorhees is actually Luke Skywalker’s father. SWERVE!
-Are we going to see the rest of “American Case Files”?
-The fact that Jason being dead means there’s a “2 for 1” burger deal is hysterical!
-The next time Friday the 13th strolls along, I’m making Jason Burgers.
-“Everyone has a price!” Creighton Duke is Ted Dibiase!
-I had a taste of the Duke. He tasted like pork rinds.
-Hide yo kids, hide you wives, because Jason be killing everybody up in here!
-We interrupt this “Friday the 13th” film to bring you a deleted scene from “The Hitcher”.
-As we all know, you can only smoke dope and have premarital sex at Camp Crystal Lake.
-It’s the new porno craze that’s sweeping the nation; Shadow Sex!
-It’s a random guy Jason!
-Another reason I’m glad to be a guy; taking a leak outside is easy.
-Nothing can go wrong if you don’t wear a condom. Idiots!
-I swear Jason just attempted the Vince McMahon strut.
-If Tango the dog has a baby, they better name it Cash.
-Remember when “Friday the 13th” movies actually showed the kills?
-Since when did Jason take victims and tie them up? Does he have a new S&M fetish?
-Now Jason is shaving the guy. WTF?
-So, Jason transfers his soul into the cop’s (tied up victim) body. What I want to know is how he untied himself, since the cop was still tied up.
-Other people can see Jason’s reflection in the mirror? That doesn’t make sense! Not that the rest of this movie does.
-I’m so happy to discover that Jason uses tongue.
-Did Jason just get sentimental over his reflection?
-Save Jessica Rabbit!
-Adding a baby into the mix can only spell trouble.
-There are a lot of stupid things you can do while locked in a jail cell. One of them is called Bubba.
-It was beauty that killed the beast. I mean, it was Jason that killed Diana.
-Duke’s method of payment is similar to Raven’s in ECW.
-Duke could be lying to you, Steven. I’d find that out first before letting him break your fingers.
-Jason having a sister doesn’t explain his shape shifting.
-I wouldn’t consider the officer trying to help free you from prison an asshole.
-Why would you offer to baby-sit if you have to work?
-The guy’s name is Pookie. I can’t stop laughing!
-Leaving a baby by itself in the back of a restaurant, where there are dozens of hazardous material, is one of the dumbest things you can do.
–CAT! IRONING BOARD!
-The Necronomicon makes an appearance. Somebody call Ash Williams.
-Of course the reporter is an asshole.
-Jason just played tonsil hockey with the reporter. Sexiest “Friday the 13th” scene ever! :p
-The point of Jason’s cop body melting is…?
-Jessica crying while showering is the least sexiest “Friday the 13th” scene ever.
-This movie has more power outages than Brazil.
-If blowing up Jason won’t kill him, neither will running him over.
-Marvel at two grown men fighting like little girls.
-Jason should have used the palm punch more often.
-Shooting him won’t kill him, either.
-Double Noggin Knocker!
-“Watch the Willy!” That’s the best line so far.
-Was there any point to that bullet POV?
-Jason’s handshakes are deadly!
-Quentin Tarantino presents: Friday the 13th.
-It’s like a game of Hot Potato with a gun.
–Sweep Shoot the leg!
-Jason’s version of the javelin throw is frowned upon.
-Why is there a machete in the back of a restaurant?
-If he would have asked for three minutes, I would have had the perfect joke.
-Only a Voorhees can kill Jason. What a pathetic excuse!
-Are they trying to market a “Friday the 13th” Guess Who game?
-What in the blue hell is that?!? A Jason slug?
-Did the Jason slug just go through Diane’s vagina?
-That’s what this movie needed; Jason in his own body. Who would have guessed it?
-Now, Jason is using a bear hug. If this movie has given us anything, it’s the moveset for a Jason Voorhees CAW.
-Jason can punch a person’s head off, but can’t kill Steven with a shovel. Wrap your head around that.
-Why the hell are you wrestling him, Jason?!?
-The special effects are laughable.
-Why are the demons dragging Steven down, too?
-It’s a game of Human Tug of War. Somehow, Jason is losing.
-I wonder if Satan will make Jason his personal bitch.
-That dog is going to do the coroner a favor and crap on Jason’s mask.
-As it turns out, that wasn’t Freddy Krueger dragging Jason’s mask down to hell. Satan is a big Freddy fan and bought a replica glove and sweater.
Thus ends “Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday”, easily the worst “Friday the 13th” film. It featured the iconic character on screen (in his own body) for approximately fifteen minutes. The rest is devoted to him shape shifting and causing (mostly) unforeseen damage. You know, just what you’d expect from a “Friday the 13th” film! It’s poorly written, badly acted and ludicrous. That may be more up the series’ alley, but at least most of the other films were fun. This was simply torture!