Strange Behaviour LOVES the post-nuclear wasteland. For reasons best left unexplored I have always had an affinity for movies, games, books set after the end of the world. It’s not that I’m enough of a misanthropic nutter to actively want to bring about the end of the world, but I am enough of a misanthropic nutter to be looking forward to it, quietly, deep down. I have read books, played games and watched movies themed along the afterlife of our great cities and plains, and I think I’ve gotten myself a rather nifty book of sneaky tricks. So pack up your car with tinned food, camping gear, fuel and long lasting weapons (Like mine is. No, really.) and put on some hardy leatherwear that will outlast your frail diseased form and take note. I would like to share, with you, dear FANs 4 and a half of my sneaky post-nuclear sneaky tricks. I could share more, but then when the war comes, you would be able to predict my movements. This I can not allow.
Sneaky trick the first. NEVER TRUST POSH PEOPLE. This works pretty well before post apocalyptia happens truth be known, but it’s downright essential afterwards. Think about it, if they’ve spent the apocalypse in some safe bunker, eating fine food and then eventually, their butler, by the time they emerge they’ll be ruthless, hungry and ready to crush you to achieve the continuation of their life. Like now, but with more eating. For proof look at the posh bird in ’48. ’48 is a novel by James Herbert, but also a bit of a rough guide to London after lots of death and destruction. Like a somewhat warped travel-guide. Posh people would sell your blood off to Nazi-bloodletting villains as soon as look at you. And they probably voted for tax breaks for the ultra rich which helped the world get to the cesspit it’s in now anyway.
Sneaky trick the second. DON’T RESPECT THE NEW ESTABLISHMENT. Capitalism off the rails and bartering in the ruins at gunpoint, that’s the stuff a shopping trip in Fallout New Vegas is made of. But given that more of the old world isn’t necessarily what we’re after in life, why stick to conventional methods of shopping? Try this method. Take a stroll to The Silver Rush, the energy weapon emporium in New Vegas’ Freeside, and look the proprietor square in the eye. Shopkeepers respect that. Look at the expensive looking items on the counter before you, beautiful shooty things, yes? While looking at a plasma shootydeathgun click your right analog stick (Assuming you’re playing on an Xbox 360) and you will “pick up” the item. That is to say, it will float before your eyes in a manner most sinister. Stroll casually into the toilets and crouch down behind a bin, when your HUD says ‘Hidden’ simply steal it from the air in front of you. Wander back out and repeat to fade. The service in this place is excellent because she will also happily buy the stuff you just pinched back from you.
Shopping, wasteland-style.
Sneaky trick the third. NEVER LET A CORPSE GO TO WASTE. In Fallout 3, (And it’s gambling-tastic younger brother) a corpse need never go to waste. Imagine for a moment, that you are strolling through the wastes, enjoying a yellowy ugly sunrise and the smoggy dirty sky over the ruins of human achievement. Let’s say that some bad, bad men accost you in an attempt to take your possessions. “You like the taste of your own blood?” they may growl. The irony is delicious. So are their spleens. When the red mist clears and you have bloody hands, a belly full of raider and lots of new loot, you realise that you need something to carry it all in. What did we tell you about that corpse not going to waste? Punch one of you recently deceased chums into paste and then use that sneaky old right click on the analog, pick up a piece of cadaver. If your crosshairs caresses the floaty bodybit, you’ll see you “can search” it. You can load up all your heavy loot, armor, guns, crunchy fruit and the like onto this tiny body part and march happily across the wasteland with it, moving quicker than you would encumbered.
For a handy snack, or trendy carry-on luggage.
Sneaky trick the 4th. BECOME A FAIRLY DECENT COOK. It’s inevitable, there comes a time when paying attention in cookery class (Or Home Economics as we called it.) will pay off tenfold. The shockumockumentary Threads has shown us that soon after the country is blown to bits, it will come a time when raw irridiated sheep is on the menu. Now, when you’re pawing through the ruins of Sheffield, screeching “Coney! Gizzit! Share!” at a bleeding pregnant woman, while trying to snatch a slender rabbit’s body from her withered hands, think how much better it would go if you could screech “Coney! Gizzit! Share! I can stew it Gozitan style with a lovely onion gravy!”. Delicious dinner, and maybe a date. When the other savages claw in the dark at a raw sheep, and you’ve got raw sheep with a sprig of parsley, you can look down your nose at them. Animals.
Sheffield, England, before...no wait, after the attack.
Sneaky trick the 4 and a halfth. th…th. – USE YOUR MISSILES AS THEY TAKE A CORNER. Another sure thing to come of the end of the world will be modified cars so that they feature spikes and rockets. Sure as eggs is eggs. I’ll admit this is only half a sneaky trick. In that it isn’t especially sneaky, and does rely on you having a fully functioning racecar with missile launchers attached. However, if this state of events does crop up, and you happen to be in a race for some kind of prize, like in Badlands or Mad Max 2, for heaven sake shoot them as they take a corner. Not only does it provide a wider target as you come up behind another racer, but it also slows them down at a crucial point. This all frankly seems only marginally less likely than the Nazi-bloodletting.
Race race race, shoot shoot shoot...
Strange Behaviour is the alter-ego of Alexander Page, whose understanding of pop culture and finger on the pulse of new releases is by and large non existent. He resides in Cambridge, England and doesn’t really understand what all the fuss is about. He can also be found on Multimediamouth.com where the site owners let him go and spend time with people and objects unsupervised.