Hollywood has a tendency of taking a pop culture trend and running it into the ground. They’ve been doing this for decades and show no signs of stopping. Whether it be disaster flicks, superhero movies or talking animal comedies, if a product is red hot, they’ll shove it down our throats. With “Twilight” being all the rage, it comes as no surprise that they’ve taken fairy tales and converted them into tween sensations.
The latest victim is the classic tale of “Little Red Riding Hood”. If you’re unfamiliar with it (which would surprise me), Little Red Riding Hood is off to her Grandmother’s house when she’s pursued by a wolf. She outruns the creature and makes it safely to her destination. Once inside, she discovers that her grandmother has been eaten by the wolf. Not before being a complete imbecile and thinking the wolf was her grandmother because he was wearing her clothing. I don’t care if she was young, there’s no way in hell she could mistake a wolf for a human being unless her IQ is smaller than her shoe size.
Anyway, back on topic. This short and sweet tale has now been adapted into an hour and forty minute movie. How can they drag this out for that long? The same way they did with “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and “Cat in the Hat”; by adding useless characters and subplots. At least with those films, they tied in nicely with the main story. Here, it feels as if they stole a script from an episode of “Gossip Girl” and threw a wolf in for good measure.
Valerie (Amanda Seyfried) is Red Riding Hood, the daughter of Cesaire (Billy Burke), a woodcutter and Suzette (Virginia Madsen), a housewife (this is set in Medieval times, where women didn’t do anything outside of their husbands). She is set to marry Henry (Max Irons), but is madly in love with Peter (Shiloh Fernandez). Despite her love, her parents forbid her to see him, as he’s nothing but a lowly woodcutter who won’t give her the life she deserves. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
How does this make her Red Riding Hood, you ask? It doesn’t, hence why the writer, David Johnson, threw in this cheap excuse; her Grandmother (Julie Christie) made her a red cloak for her wedding day. You know, because nobody wears white to their wedding. This is the type of ineptitude that plagues this movie like gingivitis on your gums.
How does the Big Bad Wolf play in all of this, you ask (by the way, if you’re not asking these questions, play along and pretend you are)? Simply put, a wolf shows up and causes havoc, leaving the townsfolk in a state of worry. They believe they’ve killed the beast early on, only for Solomon (Gary Oldman, who dresses like Professor Plum) to crush their joy. It turns out the wolf attacking them is also human and transforms upon a full moon. If you kill it, it’s dead carcass will morph back into it’s human form. Since their dead wolf is still a dead wolf, it’s not the killer.
There are a few things wrong with this plot device. One; Solomon shows up out of the blue and struts around as if he owns the place (if his presence was revealed with a reason, I must have coughed and missed it). Two; there’s no proof that a werewolf is attacking the village. It could simply be a wolf who preys on human flesh. Three; the townsfolk are a bunch of morons for believing a man they’re not familiar with simply because he shows them his dead wife’s arm and claims she was a werewolf. I swear, the cast of “Jersey Shore” are smarter than these people!
Luckily for them, Solomon was correct. Their killer is a werewolf, one who lives amongst them. They spend the majority of the film accusing each other and trying to figure out who the assailant is. As dumb as they are, they’re at least reasonable when it comes to interrogating. Solomon, on the other hand, throws his suspects into an elephant fire chamber (you read that right) and lets them burn to death unless they give him information. If it turns out they knew nothing, he simply washes the blood off his hands and apologizes.
When the Big Bad Wolf attacks Valerie, he/she spares her life and asks her to run away with him/her. That’s right, she can talk to the wolf. She’s the only one who can understand him/her, which prompts the others to believe she’s a witch. For once, I don’t blame their accusation. I do find it hysterical they relate her wearing red to being in a pact with the devil, though.
They hold Valerie captive and Peter and Henry both fight over her love and to save her life. All the while, Gary Oldman chews up scenery, the Big Bad Wolf and his terrible CGI render chews up humans and the director, Catherine Hardwicke, chews up common sense and makes up crap as she goes. Half the time she forgets the Grandmother even exists, only bringing her in to the equation to keep the story close to the original as possible (which is kind of sad, when you think of it).
Everybody involved is clearly in this for the paycheck. Amanda Seyfried, who is normally a good actress, phones in her performance by blankly staring into the camera. If it worked for Kristen Stewart in “Twilight”, then it can work for Amanda here. Gary Oldman chews up the scenery, but at least has a blast in doing so. Shiloh Fernandez and Max Irons are both bland as can be as Valerie’s love interests. Billy Burke and Virginia Madsen are forgettable as Valerie’s parents. Julie Christie doesn’t get enough to work with to even prove her worth. Everybody else is meaningless.
The only reason to watch “Red Riding Hood” is for it’s unintentional hilarity. The cheesy dialogue, terrible CGI, hokey acting and overall mess of a script make for an amusing experience. This would be perfect viewing for a party, so you and your friends can tear it to shreds. If, however, you’re expecting a well-told rendition on the “Little Red Riding Hood” story, you’ll be severely disappointed, as they failed miserably when it came to doing that.
Final Grade: D