The WWEk In Wrestling, June 6 – June 10

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
Nobody knoooow wants to know, where I’ve been! Forgive my absence from FAN, but I am back, and ready to recap the events of the past week, to get you ready for the coming one. I’m gonna take you on a wild ride!

Monday Night Raw

The Canadian feed begins as Vince McMahon and Steve Austin are toiling over the choice for the winner of Tough Enough 2011: Andy or Luke. Austin removes Vince from the decision process, calling him on his “bullshit suit” (unbleeped in Canada, *** ***** *******ers). Vince and Austin call for a drum roll, and after an eternity, Andy is deemed Tough Enough for the WWE. Andy of Asgard celebrates, and is elated (as I am). Luke leaves in the douchiest way he can muster; Vince welcomes Andy to WWE, then slaps him in the face, followed with a Stone Cold Stunner by Austin (bafflingly, Andy and Austin visibly shake hands afterward). Personally, Andy was my hope from day one to win it, and I’m very happy for him.

From the end of Tough Enough, we transition to Raw, and who is there to start us off, but…black Captain Crunch? No, it’s R-Truth in a Confederate outfit, complete with sword, chanting “When Little Jimmys Come Marching In” (a popular cover). Truth has come out to apologize to Big and Little Jimmy from last week, and he promises to be a “good R-Truth”. Truth explains he is dressed as a Confederate because he is Richmond, VA, where a bunch of “inbred rednecks” fought 150 years ago (ironic, since Truth is from North Carolina); Truth goes on to declare himself seceding from the WWE so that the company can’t make money off of him anymore. Vince cuts a weird promo addressing Truth as “R”, and it really feels like they’re killing time. To save the segment, The Miz arrives, waving away Truth’s conspiracy and blames his loss of champion status on one Alex Riley, demanding a rematch. A-Ri is quick to arrive, threatening Miz with a third beatdown. To add to this humdinger of a tableau, John Cena arrives and actually provides exposition to what is going on. This whole segment is bloody surreal. Cena hand-waves away Miz, gives begrudging respect to Riley, and insinuates R-Truth’s obvious insanity. At the GM’s signal, Vince tells Michael Cole to shut up, and personally makes the main event tag match of Miz and Truth vs. Cena and Riley, Steve Austin as guest referee (doesn’t ring a bell). This was like every Smackdown opening, but on Quaaludes.

Santino Marella vs. Michael-Joe McHennig. Santino clotheslines MJ outside and taunts; employing strategy from the Tao of N64. MJ briefly gains the upper hand with FCW offense (see: yawn); MJ misses a corner splash, and eventually gets hit with the Cobra for the win. Vladimir Kozlov pseudo-goose steps, and I check my watch. Two hours left.

Kelly Kelly and Beth Phoenix vs. The Bella Twins. Beeeeth? Why are you here? You’re better than this. For God’s sakes, The Bellas are wearing invisibility cloaks! YOU DESERVE BETTER. Kelly gets some decent offense (top-rope arm drag, hurricanrana), but the numbers game gets her down. Kelly tags to Beth; Beth uses a slingshot suplex, and I splooge a little. Beth hits the Glam Slam and kills a b**ch for the win. I am happier than when I started.

Backstage, Booker T and Trish Stratus commiserate on the invention of the Trish-A-Roonie (no, no, nooooooooo). Jack Swagger mercifully kills this segment, and challenges Booker to a match. Jack verbally walks into a “Now can you dig that, sucka?!”, and I face-palm. Jack ain’t the brightest.

CM Punk (with Mason Ryan) vs. Rey Mysterio. Punk comes out to cut a promo, to the delight of my senses. Punk says he will beat Rey tonight, to prove that the power and faith of the New Nexus is undying (like the undying flavor of New Coke). Punk and Mysterio are evenly matched from the get-go, displaying some fantastic wrestling, as has become the norm. Mysterio gets a headscissors to the floor and a vaulting leg drop for a 2 count. Punk hangs Rey in the tree of woe and hits a running knee. Rey escapes a scissor waist lock, but gets thrown into the ring post back-first. Rey manages to counter a superplex attempt with a torpedo shoulderblock (I’m claiming that term), followed by a springboard cross body for 2. Punk hits a powerslam and lowers his right knee pad; he gets primed for the 619 but Ryan blocks his path on the apron. Rey dodges a kick and hits a tornado DDT on Punk (hitting Ryan in the process) and nails a splash for the win. Another great match to add to their collection.
(Side note: In an unpublished article, I compared Punk’s slick-haired cult leader character to a fanatical marketing executive, warranting many New Nexus/New [X] jokes. If I do them again, that’s where they came from).

I have to mention yet another of those Obama Capitol Punishment promos, because this one features R-Truth. And it’s damn hilarious. What makes it great is Obama’s facial reactions to Truth’s insanity; check it out, definitely (“I don’t even like boats!”).

Alberto Del Rioooooo comes out for a promo. ADR addresses the “slander” that he is a “hit-and-run coward”, referring to the (still-funny) incident with Big Show two weeks ago. ADR calls out Show so he can accept his apology, but we instead get Ricardo Rodriguez with a singlet, bald cap, hot dog, stomach padding, crutches, and a catcher’s mitt on his right hand (actually clever). Ricard-Show’s only response to ADR’s questions is raising his mitt and yelling. After sufficient humiliation, ADR impresses on the real Show not to make an enemy of him. Well, that ate up ten minutes.

Kofi Kingston vs. Zack Ryder. We got a totally necessary Kofi video reel before the commercial. Also, Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero are on commentary. Also, Woo Woo Woo You Know It. Zack takes exception to Kofi’s winning ways, and hits a hangman’s neckbreaker for 2. Zack hits a corner boot (No Mercy style), but Kofi comes back with the Boom Drop and Trouble In Paradise for the win (people, I have the sad face). Vickie with the line of the night, in reference to Ryder: “Look at all that failure”.

Jack Swagger vs. Booker T. Booker’s first match on Raw in four years; I thought it had been longer. Booker gets some of his classic offense, like the chops and the arm twist hook kick. Jack hits shoulders to the mid-section outside; Booker comes back with a spinning heel kick to chants of “Let’s Go, Booker”. Jack dodges the Scissors Kick and wheels outside, eventually deciding to never mind this s**t, and gets counted out. As he prepares to leave, Evan Bourne brings him back into the ring, where he eats a Scissors Kick and Air Bourne. Evan and Booker then indulge in a double Spin-A-Roonie; Booker’s a textbook example, Evan’s more of an elaborate backward roll. Oh well, better than my flabby ass can muster.

John Cena and Alex Riley vs. R-Truth and The Miz, Steve Austin as guest referee. Miz and Cena face off, but both quickly tag to “R” and Riley. Both get in standard offense, and tag again to their partners. Cena hits a bulldog and tags Riley, imploring him to sic Miz, but Truth blasts him with a clothesline. Back from break, Miz is all over Riley, but is halted by Austin, who is taking no guff (…I mean, s**t!). Miz tags Truth, as Cena shucks and jives for the tag. Cena finally gets the fabled tag and hits 4/5 moves on Miz (no FUAA), but Miz reaches the ropes on the STF No U. Riley comes in with a briefcase, teases hitting Cena, but hits Miz instead. Stone Cold then hits a Stunner on Miz and Cena hits the FUAA for the win. Where is this Austin special ref bit going? Anywhere? I’unno. Beer bash to end. This was not great. Cole gets an email, where the GM disqualifies Cena and Riley for blatant abuse of authority by Austin, and appoints Austin the special guest GM for next week. Yeah, that’ll…teach him? Cole gets doused in beer and receives a Stunner (which he GETS BACK UP FROM?!) and an FUAA. Hey, I don’t like Michael Cole, but that seemed excessive.
Well, not a great episode. Punk/Mysterio and R-Truth’s promos are worth revisiting yourself, but nothing else.

Impact Wrestling

The Impact theme music reminds me of the music they had while on FSN: Ineffectual and mediocre as crap. We begin with Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff, thank God, gettin’ on some mad struts to the ring. Both men salute the Network for firing the “evil” Foley; Bischoff then blows smoke up the fan’s asses about the name “Impact Wrestling”, the slogan, and the respectful treatment of the X Division (did you know the pay-per-view’s in 3 days? Yeah, me neither). Bischoff then invites Mr. Anderson (in normal Dane Cook mode) and Sting to the ring for a segment. Hogan says that at Slammiversary, he promises a winner in the “biggest main event in Impact Wrestling” (technically, maybe; non-technically, BULL S**T). Hogan willingly gives Anderson the mike (I thought he hated him?), who derides Sting as “a joke”. Anderson says he’s honest enough to call himself an asshole, and he’ll win at the PPV. Sting retorts that he “can’t lose” because he has to stay champion in order to keep Hogan and Eric in check (yeah, he’s still on that rag). Sting then calls out Hogan to become the Hulk Hogan of old that the fans “respect” (who are these people?), and to “cut away the cancer” of Bischoff. It’s a shoot, brother?

Angelina Love and Winter vs. Mickie James and Tara. I feel this should be iterated: For as unattractive as Angelina has grown to me, Winter has only increased in hotness. She is…something else. Mickie and Tara rough up Winter for a good while, which brings in Angelina. The dead crowd pleases me. Angelina points that she wants Mickie (“tonight…you.”), but is also over-powered by the two, getting hit by the ol’ E&C roll splash. Mickie and Winter fight clumsily; Winter hits a powerbomb with assistance from Love for 2. Angelina is in, and hits a side slam for 2 as well. Mickie fights back with a neckbreaker/dropkick on both women and goes to tag Tara, but Madison Rayne attacks Tara, leading to what I will call a twisting backstabber by Angelina for the win. It’s better than that falling dropkick to the side she did last week. Love chokes out Mickie afterward.

If I was sick of Mexican America before, now I’m diseased. Mexican America gave me syphilis. They are that bad.
Also, remember that nonsense with Crimson and Joe getting in a bar fight? They showed it. Work.

Mexican America vs. Motor City Beer (with Robert Roode). Brutus Magnus and Doug Williams are out for commentary; not as good as them wrestling, but at least they’re here. Shelley double-stomps Anarquia (thanks!), and Storm modifies the Muta Lock/dropkick combo with an eye. Hernandez nails Shelley with a vaulting shoulder for a 2 count, followed up with a body splash and an Anarquia butterfly suplex. The pink writing on Hernandez’s tan shorts looks stupid. Storm gets the hot tag and fires up on Anarquia; Shelley hits a suicide dive on Hernandez. Storm hits a lungblower, but the ref is distracted by Sarita and Rosita; Storm responds classily by misting some beer their way. Shelley accidentally nails Storm with a superkick, allowing Anarquia to pin him and pick up the win. Good to see Alex Shelley back in action again.

Backstage, Anderson conspires with former mortal enemy Gunner to hurt Sting. I can’t say I care at this blatant lack of continuity; at least, not here I don’t.
Also, my hatred for Mexican America actually cancels out my moderate contempt for Hulk Hogan, as I’m actually on Hogan’s side when both parties have a promo.

Jeff Jarrett and Kurt Angle are set for their final confrontation before the PPV. I know it’s terrible, but every time JJ mentions that Karen is “gone” or “won’t be at Slammiversary”, I really want him to just yell out “because she’s DEAD!” I’d still laugh. Jarrett puts over Angle, calling him “the best in-ring performer this business has ever produced”; he may not be far off, though I’m sure lots would disagree (myself included). He then buries him, calling him an “egotistical son-of-a-bitch” because he tried to make people believe that Jeff didn’t exist. In response, Jeff took his family, and his jerb as a wrestler. Now, he wants the medals, so that he can finally be the better man. Angle takes the mike, and thanks Jeff for taking Karen out of his life. Kurt is as brief as his name (get it? “curt”?), telling him that at the PPV, it will be damn real. For as much crap as Jarrett takes from a lot of people, I thought his promo here was very effective, and I think he’s quite an underrated talker.

Bully Ray Open Challenge. Ray goes back to calling AJ Styles (age 33) a “boy”, says he’ll win at the PPV, and issues a challenge to anyone in the back, except D-Von. Rob Van Dam answers the challenge, and we got us a match. Ray powerbombs RVD for a quick 2-count. He proceeds to beat up Van Dam for a bit, hitting a clothesline in the corner. AJ appears in the crowd, gaining the attention of Bully Ray. RVD back drops out of a piledriver attempt, hits a springboard side kick and hits the Five-Star Frog Splash for the win. Guess who’s winning at Slammiversary?

For future reference, Kurt Angle has put on camera that he feels he can compete at the Olympics in his 40’s, and he plans to. For when he reneges on this, we have video proof of what he said.
Backstage, Kendrick and Kazarian are searching for Abyss (unsurprisingly, at Kendrick’s suggestion). Upon finding him, Abyss re-names the X Division Title the X-Treme Title, and single-handedly books a triple threat for the title at Slammiversary. Why am I afraid that the new name for the title will never change?

ODB vs. Velvet Sky. Because ODB is “not under contract”, she enters ramp-side with no music. Oh wow, no. Velvet attacks ODB from behind, and beats her up toward the ring before getting whipped into the steps. Oh hey, now I get it: ODB is R-Truth with a vagina. How predictably bankrupt of TNA Creative. ODB chokes Velvet, but the ref stops her; but if she isn’t under contract, why does she have to listen to him? Watch out for snakes holes! Velvet and ODB stagger around and fight; I want to die. All they’re doing is brawling in all four corners. This is the worst thing. After slamming her into the ring post, ODB hits a fallaway slam. Another thing: Why is Tenay saying (positively) “there’s no one like ODB”, when an non-contracted wrestler is beating up your talent? I am shocked at the lack of brand loyalty in TNA. Velvet hits a surprise DDT for the win. I’d be angrier if this didn’t mean the ending of this.

Backstage, Sting implores Eric to “forget the comedy” and have Sting’s back in the main event. I guess all anyone needs to do with Sidney Crosby is yell at him and tell him to stop being concussed.

Does anybody care that D-Von and Pope are having an angle on Xplosion? I’ll answer for you.

Sting and Eric Young vs. Mr. Anderson and Gunner. Tenay calls Gunner “Mr. Intensity”; Taz calls him a “dude bro”. Ah, so I do hate him; good to know. Also, as much as I say that EY can do better, he IS a champion in the second biggest company in wrestling. It may be worth less than a title elsewhere, but it’s something. Sting quickly hits two Stinger Splashes on Gunner, but they have as much effect as a Mick Foley double-arm DDT. Anderson tags in, and interest in the main event for your company’s biggest PPV dips. Idiots. Sting is playing face-in-peril as Gunner applies an abdominal stretch. Sting tags Eric after a clothesline to Anderson, and Young fires up on both opponents. Young nails a top rope elbow on Gunner and a dropkick on Anderson (faking him out with a Great Muta throat taunt), but Gunner comes from behind and shoves Young into Sting, forcing a tag. Gunner hits an F5 on Sting, and PINS THE MOTHERF***ING CHAMPION. Whether this is meant to push Gunner or whether it’ll mean nothing, f**k all of this. Sting is pissed at Eric, and shoves him to end this travesty; at least, in the ring.

Here’s what everyone says to end the show: Eric thought he and Sting won (ha ha head injuries); Simon Diamond and Kazarian pull Ray and AJ apart; Sting attacks Anderson and smears red paint on his and Ken’s face, putting him in a sleeper (kind of interesting, but far too late); WillTheFighter drinks himself to sleep.

Friday Night Smackdown

Christian is first to arrive to the ring for the episode. In no uncertain terms, Christian says that he is “through” with his Peeps, and he doesn’t want to talk to us anymore (also, he said we look like dorks). He invites Michael Cole into the ring to talk, criticising Teddy Long’s managing in general (get it?), and (rightfully) calling him on allowing the fans to decide so many things in his brief title run. Christian feels disrespected, and asks Cole to ask them if he deserves to be World Champion. Christian is in full-on 2003 heel mode, and I like it; it’s like he never left. Cole reiterates the question to expected boos, and Christian says that when he wins the World title, he’ll be doing it for just himself. I’ll make sure to order my next pizza with extra…Peep-A-Roonie.

The Corre vs. Ezekiel Jackson and The Usos. Oy [J]ey, the Usos. Way to pick, Zeke. Zeke expectedly murders Slater a bit before tagging to one of the Usos, who lights up Heath with some quick offense. Tag in to Gabriel, who gets hit with a high leg lariat after some ill-advised dancing. Tag to the…other one, who gets hot-shot onto the announce table outside. Back from break, and not even the announcers know which Uso is getting beat up by Barrett. Barrett-Man Slam for a 2 count (sorry, best I could think of). Heath takes the “rest” out of “rest hold” by applying a phenomenally quick one, and hits a running neckbreaker. Some quick tags back and forth between the three, and the Uso tags to Zeke, as Wade bails off the apron and from the match entirely. Zeke body slams Slater who also gets hit with a double superkick by the Usos. Zeke then hits two body slams on Gabriel followed by the torture rack for the win.

Backstage, Sheamus wants a match with Christian “tah-noyt”. T-Lo instead puts him in a match with Randy Orton, no disqualification. I’m calling it now: Even in a No DQ match, Sheamus doesn’t get a “clean” win.
After the break, Gabriel and Slater officially leave Barrett and the Corre (Smackdown pop).

Trent Barreta vs. Jinder Mahal (with Great Khali). Mahal’s ring jacket looks like what Justin Gabriel used to wear on NXT. Huge back body drop to Trent from the start, but Trent scores with an enziguiri. Trent goes for a high-risk move, but is distracted by Khali, giving Mahal time to recover and hit his finisher (a sky-lift full nelson slam) for the win. Khali does his best Kids in the Hall impression and crushes Barreta’s head afterward.

Backstage, AJ is…just adorable.

AJ (with Natalya) vs. Tamina (with Rosa Mendes). I dig AJ’s new theme, it’s almost as cutecutecute as she is. AJ has the quick offense on Tamina, but gets hit with a Samoan headbutt (instant concussion). Tamina misses a running splash and nails a Shining Wizard for a 2-count. Tamina catches AJ mid-cross body, but still gets rolled up by AJ for the 3 count. Yay! (I never promised unbiased reporting)

Randy Orton is out to respond to Christian. If he starts this with “allow me to retort”, he’ll get major bonus points. Orton calls Christian out to say what he has to say, to his face. Christian instead appears on the Titantron, mocking the fans and impersonating Teddy Long in a deprecating fashion. Christian asks for one more match, saying that he showed mercy on Randy by not counting his shoulders down last week, and that he knows he can beat him. Christian challenges Orton for the title at Capitol Punishment; Orton accepts, and Christian drives away.

Backstage, Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase (after apparently looking at the infamous Anthony Weiner picture) talk about who should take the lead in tonight’s match. Ted calls Cody “nuts”; Cody calls it “premature enlightenment”, because only after he lost everything was he free to do anything. Reminds me of the audio clip from the audience you could get in WWF Warzone when you played as Mankind: “He’s not crazy, he’s a genius!” S**t, I’m geeky.

Sin Cara vs. Ted Dibiase (with Cody Rhodes). SC nails a springboard cross body from the get-go, as well as his twisting springboard arm drag and a head-scissors takedown. Dibiase goes for Dream Street, but SC hits his rope-assist enziguiri, only for Cody to take him off the apron, giving Sin Cara the DQ win. RHODES! DIBIASE! LEGACY! beat down SC, but Daniel Bryan comes out to save his masked friend. Teddy Long comes out, and makes a tag team match between the four for after the break.
Sin Cara and Daniel Bryan vs. Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes. Dibiase tags Cody in, who eats some stiff kicks and a European uppercut. Bryan slyly tags Sin Cara, who hits a springboard (surprise!) missile dropkick. Rhodes tags in Dibiase, who works on the left arm. Tag to Cody (with the Legacy double gut shot), who continues working the left arm. Tag to Ted, as Booker T rambles on like a crazy man on commentary. Sin Cara hits an enziguiri and gets the hot tag to Bryan, who hits a heat-seeking dropkick in the corner for a 2 count. As SC hits a suicide dive, Daniel Bryan reverses a reversal off the top rope into the Lebell Lock for the tap (no snap) win. Fine match, if a bit slow.

Johnny Curtis has a potato chip on his shoulder. Heh heh…heh, heh.
Matt Striker interviews Orton backstage, who says that the match tonight will be “therapy” for his “anger management issues”. Randy Orton is friend to psychiatrists!

Randy Orton vs. Sheamus, No DQ match. Sheamus brawls it up to begin, but Orton comes back with a Lou Thesz press with punches (“don’t take this ass whippin’ personally, son”). Orton brings Sheamus outside, hits him a bunch, and brings him back in. Orton is way off on a knee drop, allowing Sheamus to hit a knee lift from the apron. Orton blocks the vaulting shoulder block with a dropkick, but is clearly favouring his knee. Orton gets hot-shot onto the steel steps; back from break, Sheamus is all about the chin locks. Sheamus hits the shoulder block and gets Orton to eat an Irish hammer for 2. Orton gets out of a chin lock with a back suplex. Orton with the powerslam, and he be hearing dem voices (aw, shucky-ducky quack quack). Sheamus counters the draping DDT and whips Orton into the steps outside. Sheamus grabs the top steps, but gets hit with the Orton backbreaker for 2. Sheamus goes for a powerslam onto the steps, but Orton is able to hit his own onto them, earning only a near-fall. Really good match so far; Sheamus looks very strong. Sheamus hits the Irish Curse for 2; he then goes for a Singapore cane, nailing Orton in the back, ribs and shoulder multiple times, ending with a head shot. Sheamus misses the Brogue Kick and has his foot tied up in the rope, allowing Orton to get a crazy amount of shots to the head and ribs with the cane. Orton hits the DDT, but does not connect with the RKO thanks to interference from Christian. Sheamus misses both the Brogue Kick and Pale Justice, allowing Orton to hit the RKO, but he is in turn nailed with the World Title by Christian. Sheamus capitalizes to pin Orton (called it), as Christian taunts Orton with the belt to end the show.

The WWEk In Wrestling, now with 100% more Acclaim references than the competing TV run-down!