Believe it or not, there is something more frightening than the fact that a fourth “Spy Kids” movie has been made. I know that’s hard to imagine, as the last one came out in 2003 and the “kids” are all grown up (one was a druggie in “Machete”, for crying out loud). They’re a bit too young to have their own kids, so you’d think that trump that issue. Instead, we’re being treated to an entirely new family. At least, that’s what the posters for the film lead me to believe.
They also make me believe that this movie plans on giving children more nightmares than Charlie Sheen has given porn stars “tiger blood”. To prove this, I shall dissect each poster that has been revealed so far. Considering how many have been made, I don’t see any more nightmare fuel being produced. If there is, I may make a sequel.
Let’s start with the first character poster.
Before I begin, I might as well tackle the 4D Aroma-Scope now, since it’s present on each poster. According to http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/spy-kids-4-will-feature-4d-aromascope-2303923.html, it’s 3D with Smell-O-Vision added in. All you have to do is swipe your finger and get the scent. That’s going to be one smelly finger afterward.
Skipping over the dumb 4D moniker, we see a young girl who is going to kick it up a gear. I’m not entirely sure what that’s what referring to or why she’s doing so. Is it referring to the toy gun that’s horribly photoshopped on her hand? Speaking of which, why exactly is she shooting out thunder? I understand bullets are violent, but forced electrocution doesn’t sound too kid friendly?
Also, what’s with the flame near her foot? Is that apart of the clock background or is the villain this time Satan himself? It does look as if the flames are trying to consume her. I’d do research into the project, but feel it would tamper with this article. I’m trying to get a feel for the film from the posters, considering that’s their job. So far, I’m expecting Satan to be devouring little children. Where’s Chris Hansen when you need him?
Let’s meet her brother in our next character poster.
For starters, the gloves aren’t coming off. They’re clearly still on his hands and he’s shooting what looks to be perfume out of them. Shouldn’t that be his sister’s weapon? Maybe I’m wrong and he’s the villain. He’s got a mini-Whiplash vibe going. Probably not, as this is “Spy Kids”, meaning more than one.
Those three people chasing him also lead me to believe he’s a spy kid. Why they’re riding on skateboards through the Matrix and he’s simply floating is beyond me. Maybe that’s the villain(s) this time around. The Cobra Kai from “The Karate Kid” who stole Marty McFly’s Delorean and traveled to the year 2015 and acquired some hover boards. It would explain the “All the Time in the World” subtitle.
Let’s meet their parents.
Jessica Alba and Joel McHale? I can understand Jessica Alba, since she has a kid and a knack for picking horrible movies. But, why Joel McHale? Wasn’t “The Soup” and “Community” paying you enough? I can’t be angry or disappointed, as I know every actor needs a paycheck. I just wish you’d get better roles. Unlike “Open Season 2”, at least this one’s going to be in theaters.
At least the tagline makes sense this time, though them holding a brown bag and a laptop would help. It seems as if Joel is holding a gun that’s shooting lighting (just like his daughter). If not that, he has the ability to shoot lightning out of his cock and not even have to take off his pants. Maybe that’s how his kids were received. Would explain Floating Boy Wonder from earlier.
Let’s see the entire family all together.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT DOG?!? Why are his eyes glowing? Is it possessed? What’s that strapped to it’s chest? Is it a real dog or robotic? If he’s real, I’m sure that’s a form of animal abuse. Maybe they let Michael Vick watch him for a weekend and this is what they came home to. That or Cesar Milan’s tactics are becoming very drastic.
Ignore the dog, as I’ve learned staring at it for too long makes your eyes burn (and the goggles do nothing). I notice Jessica Alba has a baby strapped to her, meaning they’re endangering the life of an instant in this one. I guess it’s a spy, too. If “Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2” has taught me anything (outside of the fact that Jon Voight will take any paycheck and that I hate whoever came up with that movie), it’s that babies can kick ass. They’re also smarter than us. Wrap your ahead around that.
The other characters are basically the same from their other posters, including Cock Lightning himself, Joel McHale. The little boy’s gloves are in better view this time and actually seem to be eliciting lightning, not perfume. They also look as if he bought them from Tony Stark.
Right under the kids’ legs (that sounded very wrong, I apologize), you can see what appears to be paparazzi. I take it this means they’re famous. Maybe they’re a hit reality TV stars. Think “Keeping Up with the Kardashians”, this time with the stars actually doing something. Their idea of family time is saving the world (with the Kardashians idea being getting married to athletes).
How about another family poster, this time with a possible villain.
WHY IS THE DOG’S HEAD OFF?!? This at least answers my previous question; it’s obviously a robot. Still absolutely terrifying! I’m starting to believe maybe the dog is the villain. Maybe he’s in cahoots with Mr. Tinkles (that’s right, a “Cats & Dogs” reference. Want to fight about it?). All I know is that, good or bad, that dog will replace the whale in my nightmares.
Once again doing my best to ignore the dog (which is becoming increasingly hard), I do notice a villain is present in the background. He’s wearing goggles with the world on them. I wonder what his plan is going to be? My best is on robbing a Wendy’s. Can’t wait to see if his mug shot is better than Booker T’s.
His henchman appear to be jet fighter pilots and grid fighters from “Tron”. Mom and Dad are shoved into the background, as the kids take center stage (for a big adventure, apparently). The girl lost the gun and the boy continues to raid Tony Stark’s closest.
That about does it for the “Spy Kids 4” posters. I hope you enjoyed this article and…
THE DOG HAS IT’S OWN DAMN POSTER?!? Why would you traumatize people like that? It’s bad enough it’s sharing space on the two family ones. At least on those, you could look away and distract yourself. Here, it’s upfront and center. It’s glowing eyes staring blankly into your soul.
By the way, I don’t want a dog to be that wired. I don’t want a dog to be wired at all! I want an actual dog that rolls around, plays fetch and is always by my side. I don’t want one that could shoot laser beams at me, head butt me from across the room, scan my computer and raid my porn collection and break my leg from humping it.
I sincerely hope they don’t plan on selling that poster. The only buyers I could imagine would be abusive parents who stick this on their child’s wall in order to torture them. Just imagine waking up to that each and every morning. Hell, you probably wouldn’t be able to fall asleep with that staring at you.
I apologize for all of you readers out there who have been traumatized by this article. I myself may need to see a therapist to overcome this newfound fear. I should have been a better person and kept this to myself. However, I’m a jerk and decided to pass the nightmares off on you. Good luck trying to sleep tonight!