This WWEek In Wrestling, Amigos!

This WWEek in WresTliNg, Amigos!

May 9-13, 2011

by WillTheWriter

LLLLLLADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

6 hours of professional wrestling condensed into 6 minutes…maybe. Ready? Too bad, let’s go!

RAW

Alberto del Rio cuts a promo, blaming “Etch” that his World Title destiny was “estolen”, and that he should face “Yohn Cena” for the WWE Title. Mysterio comes out and challenges Alberto for a #1 contender’s match. He is in turn interrupted by Miz, proclaiming that if A-Ri hadn’t fumbled, he’d still be champion. R-Truth then comes out (with no music, and preceded by last week’s quote, “The Truth has set me free!”), and after going on a rant about hospital food (yep) and John Morrison (get it? JoMo is eating hospital food because he is in the hospital and that is all he can eat because he is in the hospital), Truth insults all three men (worth looking up; his delivery is great). When an angry black man is talking, remember to “shut it up”. The Anon. Raw GM makes a triple-threat #1 contender’s match featuring Miz, Del Rio and Mysterio…but not Truth. Truth rape faces his way outta here, and the other three end up brawling. Worth checking out for R-Truth’s promo.

The Bellas vs. Eve and Kelly x2. Nunzio is the referee! YEAH. Kelly wins for her team with a small package. Kharma then comes out, the Bellas and Kelly (Belly?) bail, and Eve gets the Implant Buster. Why do I fear that Kelly will be the one to stand up to Kharma?

Mason Ryan (with Punk) vs. Kane (with Big Show). Show ends up decking Punk after he tries to interfere. Kane wins by DQ thanks to Otunga and the other guy, and the tag champs give a double chokeslam to Mason Ryan. Damn you, 50/50 booking! Also, Show and Kane are now in a feud with both the real Nexus (Corre) and the Nexuggggh.

Santino vs. Dolph “Air” Ziggler. And yes, since Dolph’s hair lost its Hennig, he’s reduced to squash matches. All the man needs is the jawbone of an ass (where’s Orton?), and the Samson reference is complete. Dolph wins.

After recapping Christian/Orton from last week, R-Truth says backstage (humorously) that he will make sure that Rey, Del Rio and Miz will “get got”. Also, ZACK RYDER gets to talk, and teaches John Cena how to fist-pump! Woo Woo Woo, You Know It!

After the break, Miz berates A-Ri, referring to him as both an amoeba and an orang-utan (you figure it out). Determined to make it up to his wife, Riley hen-pecks himself out to the ring, and challenges John Cena to a match. And, as was mandated in the federal Cena Law of 2005, John wins said match. To quote a certain Sniper: Now that’s downright embarrassing.

In the ring, Cole is talking. Yes, God, I hear you; very funny. Basically, Cole wants to retire undefeated and go into the Hall of Fame as both announcer and “performer”; Lawler challenges Cole to a match, putting his HoF ring up for grabs, which Cole declines, and proceeds to insult Lawler and bring up his mother, which makes Jerry go berzerk. Swagger attacks Lawler from behind, end of segment. *fingers to bridge of nose*

Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger, for the United States Championship. A surprise title match kind of picks up the pace of tonight. Swagger takes control fairly quickly, working on the ankle. Kofi is vulnerable for a bit, but Swagger gets distracted by a returning Lawler, and Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise for the win. Lawler dispatches of Swagger, and starts choking Cole with his tie through the Cole Mine, for another goofy Cole face. Swagger volunteers Cole for one more match with Lawler. Please end this program.

The Miz vs. Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio, #1 Contender’s Match. Match is pretty good throughout, nothing amazing but solid. Del Rio gets the Cross arm breaker on Rey but Miz breaks it up. Rey hits the 619 and frog splash, but Alex Riley breaks up the pin, allowing Miz to roll up Mysterio for the win and the right to face Cena at Over The Limit. After the win, Cena comes out and announces that their PPV match will be a “Cena Won’t Lose” match; also known as an “I Quit” match. Miz reacts the same way I am: mildly perturbed. Suddenly, R-Truth! One of him! He attacks Rey Mysterio, because that’s what’s up.

 

IMPACT

Hogan’s waiting backstage, brother. Episode title: “The Network’s Revenge”.

Double J and Karen out, hilarious spot where Jeff does a half-hearted peace-sign pose for his apparently-obligatory fireworks. Jeff offers a truce to Kurt, indicating that he is super serial this time, totally not like the last time. He only wants Karen’s safety because he loves her; Karen only wants her safety because she loves her (self).Angle comes out, and says that Karen shouldn’t have kept pushing him. Kurt comes across like the kind of guy who would have bought some Nerf stairs while he was married to Karen. Apparently, the “Network executive” said to leave the reveal of Kurt’s mistress to much later, because now pacing means something.

Tara and Madison Rayne vs. Mickie James and Miss Tessmacher (…wait…). Christy is way too excited for a Knockouts tag match, but bless her. Why Mickie and Brooke avec le Butt are teaming confuses me. Back and forth between Mickie and Tara leads to both teams tagging out; Madison (understandably) laughs at MT, but ends up getting pinned after the victory roll out of the corner.

Backstage, Hogan yells at Flair, but then apologizes. Progress!

After the break, Tara says she looks forward to being free of Madison, and Tommy Dreamer has a confrontation with AJ Styles. Dreamer says words to the effect of “no one understands me”, and backs down from a fight with AJ. ANOTHER backstage segment is Sting getting off a photo shoot, saying he’ll be fighting for his life at Sacrifice. All of this? An entire chunk of Impact between commercials.

Fantastic promo for Beer Money vs. Hardy and mystery opponent for Sacrifice, putting over how awesome Beer Money is. This, I can dig. Speaking of which, Beer Money to the ring to cut a promo on their PPV opponents. Roode seems to think he knows who the partner is, implying it’s Jeff Hardy, but Matt comes out and calls both his opponents “worthless nobodies”; Storm a “drunk cowboy full of hot air” and Roode an “annoying Canadian…and an arrogant egomaniac”. As Storm talks, I notice his cowboy hat is both green and has spikes. Necessary. Storm cuts a great angry promo on Matt, and implies that he likes to be watched while having sex (his words, not mine). Matt denies that his partner is Jeff, but it is someone who knows Storm very well…and out comes fucking “Wildcat” Chris Harris. Hard to really judge how he looks because he’s fully clothed (that didn’t sound right), but this actually interests me. And, scene.

 

Sangriento vs. Suicide. The tassels on the back of Sang-red-ento’s mask makes the whole costume look really cheap. Relatively short, but exciting, match between the two; Sangriento wins with the springboard cutter. Reminded me of a match between two junior-heavyweights in Fire Pro Wrestling at times, the most fun kind. Hogan, Flair and Bischoff interrupt the victory celebration, Flair kicks Suicide in the nut-bag. Hogan calls out the Network executive, as we cut to commercial.

Back, and Mick Foley (with horrendous haircut) is the Network executive. Foley pie-faces Bischoff (that must have felt great!), and dares Hogan to hit him. Foley, as representative of the Network, now has the power to fire people. Remember this, fans, for when they forget, neglect, or invert this. Foley intimates that on this show, “wrestling matters”, and with that, TNA is now Impact Wrestling; which means that the joke in my article title is now moot, but the hell if I’m changing it now. Foley announces a 25-man battle royal for the #1 contendership to the World Title tonight, and then…and then. Foley announces Kurt Angle’s partner at Sacrifice…

 

 

CHYNA. Yep. To my surprise, she doesn’t look overly terrible (better than Angelina, for DAMN sure), but looks are less than half of how we will remember this when it’s all over.

Apparently, Mike Tenay needs to narrate things that happened five FUCKING minutes ago. Backstage, Foley is with Chyna, saying that it’s damn good to be back, and says that he wants Chyna to be where Karen Angle will be. Chyna, to her credit, says nothing and smiles; Foley acknowledging the “sexual tension” between them. Cut to Anderson, who even though he is in the battle royal tonight, is still talking in his whiny voice. Oh right, same voice.

Abyss vs. Crimson (WHY?!) vs. Samoa Joe. But Abyss/Crimson is at Sacrifice, why are they giving it away for free?! For that matter, why are they giving away any combination of these three for free?! Impact, you were doing…better, up to this point. Also, bullshit that attractive women voluntarily go to the Impact Zone front row. Joe goes to town on both men (he’s not on the PPV, why?), but gets knocked down by a big boot by Crimson (he’s 6’6”, big enough). They seem to want to get over Crimson’s knees-to-the-head, as both Abyss and Joe are staggered by them. Abyss hits the Black Hole Slam, but Crimson spears him and pins Joe for the win. Well, that settles that feud that barely every happened, right? Abyss blindsides Crimson afterward, and Joe leaves them both as Abyss hits the BHS on Crimson (Joe: “You live by the sword, you die by the sword”). Abyss is missing his bottom teeth; shit, that’s nasty!

Backstage (tired of saying that), RVD is busy not worrying about Sting.

25-man battle royal. Fortune get their own entrance, as do Immortal, fucking Anderson (which I’m sure he’ll find some way to whine about), and Angle. You know what I’m looking forward to? Weeks of Taz saying “Chy-ner”. Big schmoz, so don’t expect me to tell you every goober eliminated. Eric Young is generally acting weird, eventually eliminating himself (I miss World Elite) and stealing the TV Title, as Gunner gives chase. Foley joins the commentary as Hardy eliminates Beer Money and gets chased backstage. Matt Morgan is eliminated and helps Bully Ray eliminate Scott Steiner, and Morgan and Steiner brawl outside. This is GSP/Shields boring, but none of these guys have the excuse of a damaged eye. Back from commercial #2, and the final four ends up as Angle, Jarrett, Ray and Anderson (Ray eliminating Dreamer himself, FYI). This thing is draggin’ like Smaug. Angle goes to eliminate Jarrett, but Karen…taps Angle’s kneepads or something to “stop” him. Kurt goes to drag Karen inside, but Jeff eliminates him before he can. The Jarretts celebrate, but Chyna comes in and eliminates Jeff, and goozles Karen before both run the hell away. Down to Ray and Anderson, who conveniently went through the middle ropes to give Chyna room. We got us an AvP situation: Whoever wins, we lose (game over, man! Game over!). After MUUUCH hemming and hawing, Anderson eliminates Ray with the Benoit Royal Rumble 2004 facelock elimination, and my rage is boiling the beer in my stomach. Speaking of hemming and hawing, Anderson talks to end the show, comparing himself to the Navy Seals and Sting to bin Laden, offending my sensibilities yet again (and I’m not even American!). Go away, Ken.

Back-friggin’-stage, Sting is happy for Anderson, but RVD interrupts, only to be (almost immediately) interrupted by ANDERSONNNN (gritted teeth), who says he will be in “rare form” come Slammiversary. Assholeassholeasshole. Kiss my ass, this show wrestler sucks.

SMACKDOWN!

We begin by reliving the last two weeks of Christian’s life. Hey, WWE? Too soon. The funeral’s still going on.

 

Christian out first for a promo, and he looks…okay? He respects Teddy Long’s decision to make the title match, and he’s cool that it happened because he knew it was the most entertaining for the fans. He says that, at his title rematch at Over The Limit, he knows a 100% Christian can beat Randy Orton. Sheamus interrupts (and you may as well forget about his US attire), and basically says, “I laugh at you!” like he’s doing a voiceover for Sid, and wants a match with Christian right now. Next, Mark Henry (big grin) essentially laughs at Christian too, and says that everyone came to see him, adding in an Orton pose. Henry challenges Sheamus, and does a great “At first I lol’d, then I serious’d” face. Sheamus and Henry then double-team Christian, but Randy Riker Orton comes to his aid and they clean house.

 

After the break, T-Lo (Brown) makes the Orton/Christian vs. Henry/Sheamus match official. Christian says thanks, but Orton assures him that he is making sure Christian will be 100%, so Orton can beat him at his best.

Sin Cara vs. Daniel Bryan. Mess. In. My Pants! SC is introduced by Chavo Guerrero as “the man following in my footsteps”; Michael Cole notes that all Mexicans have ring announcers. I’ve met Mexicans, and I can assert that this is true. Either that, or I’ve never met a Mexican in my life. Sin Cara and DBD are working at a great pace; there’s no one who can get SC over better than Bryan. Sin Cara follows up a handspring back elbow with a tremendous no-hands tope! Back from commercial, Bryan regains control and busts out the ol’ Aberdeen Surfboard. Sin Cara is able to come back after a while, hitting a crisp springboard cross body for a near-fall. Great reversal of the handspring into a LeBell Lock attempt, but Sin Cara escapes. Going to the top rope, Chavo distracts Bryan long enough for Sin Cara to hit his Spanish Fly for the victory. Sin Cara actually sees the replay of Chavo’s involvement, and shoves him down. Tremendous match, with some great set-up for Sin Cara’s future; THIS is what I wanna see on TV!

A replay of last week’s Corre angle is shown. Zeke corpsing? You know what to do.

 

Trace Adkins in the house! If they didn’t say anything, I would have thought it was Steve-Dave. In the ring, Layla (helloooo) is smiling about winning her match at Extreme Rules, but says that she did hurt her knee. Michael Coooole (gritted teeth) interrupts, and begins gummin’ his flaps about (“whadda ya think?!”) Lawler. For some reason, Cole is cutting a promo on Lawler to Layla, as if he’s feuding with her (Law-la? Lay-ler?). Cole hates the Divas, and right on time, Kharma strikes. Cole actually trips Layla as she tries to escape, allowing Kharma time to hit the Implant Buster. Cole is enjoying this in a really uncomfortable way. Kharma sets her sights on Cole (PLEASE God!), but she backs off (damn, it).

Wade Barrett (with Slabriel) vs. Kane. Barrett says beforehand that, without Zeke, the Corre is better than ever. Booker cites that Slater and Gabriel don’t have a “manager’s license”, and I wish this actually existed in wrestling. Kane is dominant into the break, but Barrett is on offense afterward (I wish I could edit in a “scene missing” card for that commercial). Barrett attempts Waste Land but Kane blocks, going outside to level Slabriel. Inside, Kane goes for the Chokeslam but Slabriel come back in and beat up Kane for the DQ, leading to Barrett hitting Waste Land. Gabriel goes for the 450, but Zeke runs out and clumsily beats them all up. Corre comes back, though, and Slabriel hit their finishers on him. Okay…now what, guys? Guys?

Khali and Ranjin Singh out after break for the Khali Kiss Cam. Jinder Mahal comes out, slaps him twice and yells at him. That there’s a segment.

Ted Dibiase vs. Cody Rhodes. Before the match, Cody cuts a promo calling the Tennessee crowd “freaks” and has his assistants hand out paper bags. I love Cody; he hands Dibiase a bag and basically calls him ugly (nailed that one). Dibiase has no heat; even during face spots and during a recorded show, the crowd is lifeless for him. Decent back-and-forth match between the two; Cody wins with Cross Rhodes. As solid a wrestler that Dibiase may be, the dude is done, and has been since he lost “Muh-reese”.

Backstage, Matt Striker interviews The Corre, for some much-needed exposition. They are pleased with themselves for beating Zeke up, and Barrett challenges Zeke to a match at Over The Limit (Heath suggests for the “Innerconenennal Tahtle”). They go off to “make more statements”, like more than one fuck is given by anyone outside WWE about three white guys beating up a black guy. Have fun in your upside-down world!

 

Randy Orton and Christian vs. Mark Henry and Sheamus. Orton gets a MASSIVE pop that actually kind of surprises me, though I suppose it shouldn’t; dude’s over like Rover. Henry and Sheamus are like dark and white chocolate: One’s quite bitter, the other’s not too sweet (HAHA yes! I’m hungry…). Christian is your face-in-peril tonight, ladies and gentlemen, as Mark Henry asserts himself. But maybe not, as Christian tags to Orton rather quickly. Sheamus goes to cheap-shot Orton outside, but Christian protects him, as we cut to break. Back, and Christian hot-tags in, lighting up Mark Henry with some hit-and-run offense. The heels get the advantage back; there’s a moment where Orton sees Christian being pinned, but decides to do nothing that made me laugh. Christian with a reverse DDT on Sheamus that leads to the hot tag, and Orton’s hearing t’em voices, as he is wont to do. Sheamus misses a Brogue Kick and Orton hits the draping DDT. Christian blind tags, and both he and Orton simultaneously hit their finishers, and Orton (?) gets the pin. I’m guessing/hoping that Orton getting the pin when he wasn’t legal will lead to something, but just remember that, dear reader; in case they don’t.

That’s it for this week, kids. Keep fighting!