Dearest love,
It has come to my attention that a new piece of entertainment has arrived at the château. My servant tells me that it is a box where pictures are shown in rather fast motion, not unlike the flipbook that we used to enjoy as children. To construct this in working condition has been a pain in the buttocks though. For one thing, it has some sort of tail coming out of it with a fork attached. I can’t for the life of me tell where it’s supposed to be. They say it’s supposed to be some kind of “elec-tricity” that the buffoon overseas Ben Franklin found about. I tried wetting it and putting into my maid’s mouth but now her hair stands at attention on a permanent basis…it (the box) works though.
The second trouble was getting people to appear. Unfortunately, I could only get the current weather conditions outside (it is snowing as I write this.) I tried thrusting my fists upon this wretched contraption but it did nothing. Finally, I called the butler to service and had him sit on it. Bizarrely enough, I finally got images. There are different forms of entertainment that is achieved by turning a knob. I shall explain all 9 “places of entertainment” right away.
The first was of the current events going on in real time. This struck me and I curse it as it could have served us well during the rebellion overseas. A man in France talked about revolution in “the country of France.” What this “country” is I don’t know. A real European man is supposed to be proud of the Kingdoms he serves…the land is secondary. The second was of a chambermaid put seltzer down the trousers of a poor beggar. I see no reason why this so unusual to the crowd and their laughter, doesn’t everyone do this? Third was of a situation where a man was caught in bed with the wife of another man and quipped, “I think I have occupied the wrong house of thou.” See the reaction of the second channel for what I thought.
Fourth of the nine was golf at St. Andrews. I must confess that place is an absolute hole madam. I highly doubt it will ever last for another hundred years. Fifth was a show with such horrible productions values I may retch like the Ancient Romans in their vomitoriums. It was like seeing the school play of my son…if he attended school like the other commoners that is. Sixth was just a series of bars coloured differently while a person went “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” over and over again. My ears are ringing.
The last three are not important to list. I had the butler jump off and sent him to more important tasks such as polishing the expensive china. I then threw this box out, hitting several protestors on the way (my aim is getting better these days) and went back to playing cards with the Earl of Sandwich and his suspicious new food creation that his predecessor came up with which looks absolutely ridiculous. I say, if you’re going to handle your food you handle the meats bare handed like a real man. In closing, I hope you are doing well in your imperialistic duties and are looking forward to seeing you in the near future.
I am truly yours,
Geo. Frederick of Hannover
Andrew Hersh lives in the wild and wacky world of NY (not counting NYC.) You can find him prancing with the bluebird at twitter.com/snesmaster